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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  No Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 11th, 2005, 5:52am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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No by Helio J Cordeiro - Short, Drama - NO, a short word that many people don’t like to hear, but on the other hand, some take great pleasure in using! - pdf, format


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jerdol
Posted: September 11th, 2005, 9:10am Report to Moderator
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This movie has no purpose, no aim.  All it seems to be about is the same character saying "no" repeatedly, annoyingly, and arbitrarily over and over again.  What should the viewer understand from this?  What's the underlying message?

I don't know what your vision was when you thought of this, but it needs to be more clearly explained in the script.  The way it is now, the script is basically as interesting as a black screen with the same voice just repeating the same mantra repeatedly.

Right now:  1/5


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greg
Posted: September 11th, 2005, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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This was a rather strange screenplay.  At first I thought it was a serious drama piece, but then at the end you hint that it was a comedy, and I just don't know.  If you give it more of a purpose then it could be more enjoyable, but right now it's just confusing.

Additionally, your characters deserve names.  It gets confusing to read about these people when they don't have names, just descriptions.  And also, don't refer to a guy as "The Young Man in Army Officer's Uniform"  That's way too long and we don't care to read it on every line.  

So yeah, work on that.


Be excellent to each other

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greg  -  September 11th, 2005, 6:14pm
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Helio
Posted: September 12th, 2005, 9:26am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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I’m not sure about if it is a normal script or perhaps something different, untried, a new way just to say in script formating one simple idea onwards of a single word: No...
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spencerforhire
Posted: September 13th, 2005, 9:53pm Report to Moderator
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Write NOW! Perfect LATER!

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Helio

Sorry. I have to agree with the masses on this one. Sounds like you had screenwriting on your mind while watching that Capital One commercial. You know the one where they are trained to say "No" to everything.

Even in a short you can have a beginning, middle, and end with conviction and a map. This short has NO map.

I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

Spencer

Read: "Open Casket"


I got nothing.  
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Helio
Posted: September 14th, 2005, 9:36am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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I'm very confuse...If It was all about Ethel (since 1941 until her death) and her son Gabriel which life was hearing NO from his mum...
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greg
Posted: September 14th, 2005, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Helio, you were the one who wrote this, how can you be confused?  Ethel and Gabriel weren't even in this story so I don't know who you're pretaining to.  Basically this needs a beginning, middle, and end.  It had an ending, I'll give you that, but the beginning and middle didn't make any sense, so the ending didn't really matter.


Be excellent to each other
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Helio
Posted: September 16th, 2005, 10:02am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Okay, Greg I appreciate your comments about my no-Aristotelian script.
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: September 16th, 2005, 11:55pm Report to Moderator
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I was confused by a few things.

I felt that thirteen was a little old for some of the boy’s behavior. I don’t know everything about male development but isn’t thirteen a little old to be sneaking out of your room to play with toys?

Also, since when does a young man let his mother keep him from a girl? When I was, say seventeen, I don’t recall a lot of boys who simply gave up on something every time his mother said no, especially when she said it so often. He can sneak out to play with toys but he won’t sneak out to meet a girl he apparently knows well enough that she would drop by his house to see him?

The young man seemed to be a bit weak to me. He never once really even argued. He just submitted every time with little or no question.

And were all these instances of being told no really so bad as for him to be overjoyed by his mother’s death? It really just served to make the boy look like a weak ingrate to me.



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Breanne Mattson  -  September 17th, 2005, 12:00am
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Helio
Posted: September 17th, 2005, 9:00am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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YES! That's it, Breanne! Finally, someone catch the meaning of that NO-Aristotalian script! Wait, wait...I now that it isn't a normal screenwriting but I really did my best in order to write something intriguing and different. By the way, also I think that teen was more than weak... He was sick!
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