The News by Helio J Cordeiro - Short, Drama - Take care! Good news may be just a trap. - pdf, format

Nice Short Script.

The ending needs to be better like showing the wife running after him only to see the accident

Hi, alvarado! Good option to the final scene. I'll think about it, bud! Is the rest  of the script okay?

Helio

Ok I like this one. Good twilight zone ending. I will keep reading your shorts.

Spencer

Okay, Spencer, thanks a lot!

This is just like a twilight zone episode. Rod Serling himself would probably have liked it.

*spoiler*
I believe there is/was a television program about a guy who receives a future newspaper, but this obviously is different from that in every other respect.

I don’t really think you need to change the ending as long as the wife shows indifference by trying to remember the lottery numbers. As long as she’s more concerned about the lottery numbers (which I think makes it more interesting, dehumanizing), I think the ending is better as is.

You touched in the point Breanne; "dehumanizing" is the word that transforms it in a blackstory. In the end he is a burden in his wife life, isn't he?

Hey Helio,

Good work here!  I like how you have a broad liking of different genres and are able to compress them into pretty decent shorts.  Anyway, for 8 pages, this was pretty good.  Had a beginning, middle, end and all were pretty well developed.

There were things that you could have gone more into, like who was this homeless guy or was it purely situational?  At the very end, I don't think you need to describe the television program, because after finishing I had to go back to make sure I didn't miss anything.

The characters were built up very well here; unemployed drunk, an annoyed housewife, plays the newspaper scenario loosely--these were all very believable, so great job there.  Echoing other posts, this was a pretty good Twilight Zone-like story.  Overall, it was an easy read and a gripping twist, good job!

Thanks Greg I'm proud with your comments! I think when I start to go more and more into my stories it becomes painfull...maybe I'm a writer of 10 pages maximum!

One of them idea's I wish I'd have thought of, cause I got a twist for this story out of this world crazy.  Love'd the concept but I don't think it was realized in the 8 pages. It needs to be longer, bigger and more in depth.

Sometimes you look at a basic idea and just kick yourself cause you never thought of it, ya know, LOL!  

Really good read.

It's a great concept but I think it needs a little work. I was turned off by the dialogue when the characters talk to themselves. You could achieve almost all of this visually e.g. Sean reads the paper,sees the lottery numbers, looks at the date, checks the date on his watch, reacts, . At the end his wife reads the paper, sees the headline and the picture of Sean, reacts. I personally think these parts would be more effective without dialogue.

A good little a script though. It's an idea worth expanding, there's a lot of different ways you could take this.

Thanks guys for you comments. I'm thinking...maybe the best thing in this discussion board isn't rewrite our works but to react to all bud's diferent comments about them!!!

Hi everyone
It is just to inform you that this scrip was optioned by a new  moviemaker from australia. This is the second short written by me (the first was Buck´s Burger) optioned by a viewer of this site.
I want to thank Don for this open oportunity and also everybody for the comments!

Helio,

Congratulations on your success! You’re definitely a creative writer. I can easily see why you’ve been optioned.

Good luck,

Breanne

Many thks Breanne
If it wasn´t for sites like this one it would be pratcly impossible for others to se our work.
P.S. You are also a creative writer!