Jessica's Triumph by Spencer McDonald - Short, Drama - A teen endures mental and physical abuse only to end in a suicide attempt. Her attempt is foiled by an Angel sent to unleash her lifes purpose. Do you know what it is? - doc, format

Jessica's Triumph (revised) by Spencer McDonald - Short, Drama - A teen endures mental and physical abuse only to end in a suicide attempt. Her attempt is foiled by an Angel sent to unleash her lifes destiny. Do you know what it is? - pdf, format

Overall, not bad. I made some notes as I read:

Avoid passive descriptions like "is sitting" "is hammering" etc

Get rid of the CUT TO transitions, you don't need them.

You're missing a slugline on page 2. You miss another one on page 4. If you change location, change slugline. CUT TO isn't enough.

You then CUT TO the sidewalk when we're already there. Your transitions are confusing.

NURSE
Doctor. I need a doctor. Hurry. Hurry.
She�s bleeding bad.

This doesn't strike me as a nurse's reaction. You don't need to be a doctor to administer first aid. She would just get on with applying pressure to the wound.

DOCTOR SHAPIRO
When she wake up she�s gonna be
pissed to see hospital lights and
not the white lights of heaven.

Again, this didn't strike me as something a doctor would say.

EXT. OUTERSPACE � MIDNIGHT

When is it ever midnight in outer space? Stick to DAY and NIGHT in your sluglines.

"Gabriel holds Jessica�s hand as the two stand among the stars." - what are they standing on? A comet? You need to be clearer.

"Jessica shakes her head up and down." - couldn't this be "Jessica nods"

Overall, it's pretty good. I thought you laid it on a little thick at the end though. Maybe it's because I'm an atheist. Maybe it's because I'm cynical. Your sugar-coated ending made me feel like I was in Sunday school. That's my opinion, it doesn't mean it's bad. I liked the beginning, I thought you had some nice imagery there.

You need to work on your format. Tighten up your descriptions. Make sure your sluglines are clear and understandable.

Anyway, I hope some of this helps.

Good luck and keep writing!

Der Spieler

Thank you for the honest and helpful review. This was my quick first draft. I will go back to look at tighening up things. I did like all of your suggestions. My story really was not intended to have any religious overtones. Maybe I missed the mark. It was more about a girl who realizes she is important to the grand scheme and plan of the world.

Best to you,

Spencer

All in all this is a great idea, and it has a good plot. Some of the dialogue is a little unreal... (I know i say that a lot, but scripts with poor dialogue really bug me) Not that your dialogue was poor.

The things such as... "She is going to be pissed when she wakes up" is something a doctor wouldn't say.

The teenage souls idea was interesting.

Most of it was interesting.

Where people lose me, is the dialogue... Like when someone repeats themselves or sounds like a little kid. Something like... "You retard." or "***" Don't wanna get in trouble for saying that.

But people nowadays don't make dialogue real.

Great script. I'll make sure to read more of your stuff.

Nice work here.  I think you captured the motivational speaker that Jessica emerges as pretty well.  It reminded me of some motivational talks I got while back in school.

*You make a habbit of repeating things too often.  "She looks around the room and is startled to see a stranger in her room."  We already know she's in the room, so you could just say "she looks around and is startled when she sees a stranger." or something like that.
*"shakes her head up and down" aka nodding
*When Jessica goes to ask John for money-"Mom says to give me five dollars for the dance tonight."  John's a dick, we already know that, but Jessica using that line against him seems unrealistic.  If you were to add "she's very nervous" then it would work.
*Buttons is the name of the doll, right?  Gotta Capitalize
*There's punctuational errors throughout, specifically commas that are absent.  Go back and fix thoughs, they drive me nuts!

Lastly, the title.  As of now, this seems like a script for a motivational video that will be showed in schools, so the title works if it's for that purpose, but if you're looking to expand on this story, the title has to go.  "Jessica's Triumph" is just bland.  Try to think of something catchy!!

Overall this was a nice piece of writing built around an interesting concept. My favorite part had to be the space sequence--I like that kind of stuff.  Angel takes girl to an illusional space, lost souls abound, good shtuff.  I think if you strengthen some of the dialogue, such as what Dr. Shapiro says, your story will build and become pretty strong.  Nice job!

Thanks everyone for you beneficial comments. I will take each one to heart and build on my skills from their.

Best to all,

Spencer

Dear Spencer, I've a pleasure to read you script. I like the main idea and its purpose (The Sixth Sense and City of Angels), but I have some considerations to do.

First of all was the dialogue. I think it could be better worked and certain you will. The second thing was when Gabriel stops her blinding. So, why this:

“The blood stops running out of her wrists.”

And this:

“The nurse sees Jessica lying on the sidewalk with blood pouring out of her slit wrists.”

Or this: “She’s bleeding bad.”

The last two lines did not agree with the first one.

I'm just intending to help you. If I'm wrong, please forgive me and explain why.

good luck!

Helio

Thanks for reading my script. The angel puts his hands on Jessica's wrists to stop the bleeding so she does not die.  At the sidewalk he touches her wrists again to start the clock running for her survival. That is where the nurse comes in.

I am working on tightening up the dialog a bit. Keep reading and I'll keep writing. This is a script I intend to enter in a short contest somewhere so I want it to be just right. Thanks for your input.

Best,

Spencer

Hi,

I know this is kind of an old script but I wanted to give some of your other work a look after reading Master Lee.

I thought it was a beautiful story.It's a simple story albeit an emotional one.I found myself feeling all good inside.

There were a few points in the script that felt rather stilted, mainly in the dialog.It did not detract from the overall message though.Again, I'm late to this script so I'm not going to lay out any formatting issues, I only wanted to throw my two cents in.

The only real suggestion I might have would be that in the end, the angel Gabriel was standing in the wings and you focused on another teen girl reciting the chant and crying.My assumption was that this was an attempt to bring the story full circle.I think it would be nice if you show the Angel Gabriel standing behind that Teen girl as if she was the next "project" for him.Maybe he turns from the girl and walks away suggesting that Jessica has fulfilled her destiny and saved the girl herself.

I don't know if that was your message but that was what I took from it.We are all put on this world or we are all here to serve a greater purpose, whatever that may be.We are all just a piece of the puzzle and when one piece is missing the world is never whole.

Well if you wanted to make it a little more non-religious, you could just leave out all the angel stuff and leave the interpretation as to who the mysterious stranger really was to the individual reader.

That was just a thought spawned from Dr Mabuses comment.

Keep writing, you seem to have a real feel for it.

Will