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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  February, 2008 One Week Challenge  /  End of the Line - OWC
Posted by: Don, February 27th, 2008, 3:33pm
End of the Line by Jordan Weibe - Short, Drama - A brutal killer has more in common with his new cell mate than he thinks. - pdf, format 8)

Posted by: Pete B. Lane, February 27th, 2008, 6:30pm; Reply: 1
As I go:

Good opening line, it really drew me in. But since it's over black, shouldn't it be: CHARLIE (V.O.)?

I planned to make comments as I read but I got too involved with this and forgot. That's a good thing.

This is a good script, certainly in the top 10 of the 17 OWC scripts I've read so far. Solid dialog and precise action leave very little to be desired. It did get a little less interesting as it went (I really liked the first four pages), but it's still a clear, concise story. I would have like to have seen a bit more development of Billy's character. Perhaps it would be cool if he was introduced, yet went unnoticed by Charlie, in the convenience store scene.  

Anyway, I enjoyed this and would like to read more from this writer. Grade: B+






Posted by: ABennettWriter, February 27th, 2008, 6:44pm; Reply: 2
When I'm reading a spec script, I wanna read the script, not the format. The (CONT'D)s are distracting. When it's obvious, you don't have to mention it.

The story starts off with a brilliant first line. I was instantly hooked, but once Billy revealed his intentions, it all went away.

It just seems so implausible. Guy buys his way into a prison to kill his girlfriend's murderer.

It's written well, with some good dialogue, but I don't buy it.
Posted by: chism, February 27th, 2008, 7:33pm; Reply: 3
Okay, this was another good one. Good formatting, fit well into genre/theme, all that guff. The story flowed nicely, despite the time lapse in the middle; it felt like one piece rather than one thing and then another. Dialogue was pretty interesting as well, that bowel line is fairly disturbing.

What I liked most was the little sense of irony slipped in at the end; Charlie was so concerned that his first victim knew who killed him, and now Billy is so concerned about the same thing. Its kind of like at the end, Billy is the new Curtis. Dont know if that was intentional or not, but thats what I got out of it. Maybe Im just reading too much into it, wouldnt be the first time

Anyway, an enjoyable piece. Good dialogue and flow, nice sense of irony and some pretty tense moments. Nice job. ;D


Matt.
Posted by: greg, February 27th, 2008, 7:39pm; Reply: 4
Another one where the law assists in the murder of a prisoner, but of the bunch I've read I think this was the best executed.  Yeah, morals are morals, but this one had dollars to show, plus the idea of doing the dirty work came from the guy's head; he didn't have to pay someone else to do it.  The characters were well shaped and the dialogue created a haunting atmosphere up until Billy beats the shit out of Charlie.  At that point it was like, justice is being served.  

Overall it was a breeze to read and I liked this one a lot.  Good job!
Posted by: pwhitcroft, February 27th, 2008, 8:29pm; Reply: 5
This one is good and a well worked story.

Im not sure that the conversation in the car helps this story get going. On page 2 when Curtis asked why are you telling me this? I was thinking exactly the same thing.

I think this story had a problem with pace. It was not slow so much as even throughout.

You have numerous commas where you should probably have full stops.

Philip
Posted by: James R, February 27th, 2008, 9:56pm; Reply: 6
This one was awesome, very nice work. Like Pete I was lost in this one which was a good thing. I thought it flowed well and was well written. Solid dialogue.


Quoted Text
Im not sure that the conversation in the car helps this story get going. On page 2 when Curtis asked why are you telling me this? I was thinking exactly the same thing.


I felt the same way. Shouldn't the intro be about Billy, our protagonist? I thought there could have been more background on Billy, though that would have changed the ending a lot.

Like all of these, a little rewriting could do this one some good, but it's preety darn good as it is too.

James
Posted by: Old Time Wesley, February 27th, 2008, 11:11pm; Reply: 7
Not much to say about this one. It's good all around except for one thing.

It doesn't do anything special. The ending is the same as a few others I have read. (You cannot know what others will write of course but it had to be on your mind when writing it.)

Charlie is an intriguing character and enjoyable to read.

Of the ones I have read it is probably the best written so far.
Posted by: GM, February 27th, 2008, 11:37pm; Reply: 8
This is the most effective approach towards having the authorities involved that I have read so far. The story naturally flowed, dialgoue and characters felt real.

I saw only minor problems. What I would have liked to seen was near the beginning, when he mentions the guy he cuts the throat. Why not have Charlie act it out rather than take out a smoke. Also, I would like to know why would Curtis work with him if he knew the type of guy that Charlie was?

Hope this helps
Gabe
Posted by: bert, February 28th, 2008, 8:07am; Reply: 9
Very well written.  High marks for that.  As a few have said, the first line grabs you and pulls you in, just as it is supposed to.

But the storyline is a conventional one, and unfortunately, when surrounded by prison scripts, that is all the more evident.  It is also a bit unbelievable, but not intolerably so.

And the final patch of dialogue seems a little flat.  Perhaps a bit too conversational and a bit too quick for what has just occurred.

Standing alone, outside of the OWC, perhaps this might have struck a stronger chord -- but as we have seen, when charged with generating a script in a prison cell, the first thing that springs to mind for many is a tale of revenge.

Despite the obvious talent behind this one, there is not enough to make this one really stand apart from the herd.

OWC Score:  85%
Posted by: TheUsualSuspect, February 28th, 2008, 6:27pm; Reply: 10
I agree that this was well written, but had nothing special to it.

Reminded me of Experimental Heroes a bit. I guess I was waiting for Billy to be someone else, but the boyfriend of the murdered girl was too conventional. I wanted it to end with a punch, but it went out with a whimper.
Posted by: RobertSpence, February 29th, 2008, 2:36pm; Reply: 11
A well written script. Your dialogue was spot on, my fave speech was when Charlie says something bout it not gonna hurt for the first couple of inches. That was funny. No arguments with the format and there is only so much you can do with 12 pages, and even though I knew what was gonna happen by the moment Billy came in, I still enjoyed reading what happened. Good attempt.
Posted by: mcornetto (Guest), February 29th, 2008, 5:13pm; Reply: 12
Good script. Very familiar storyline but it met the OWC brief and I liked it.  There were little things that could be improved but overall the dialogue and characters were nicely written.  The problem that I have with it is that it didn't have anything to make it stand out from the others so I would give this a OPTION.
Posted by: Zombie Sean, March 1st, 2008, 1:52pm; Reply: 13
Since the OWC is almost done for, I've already been informed from some people about which script they wrote and stuff. But if I didn't know who wrote what still, then I'd have two guesses for this. Their writing style or the idea of this script is what gives it away.

The dialogue was good, though, I think it is a bit weird how a guy bought his way into a prison for one night. There are a lot of scripts here where the guards help people kill other inmates, and I'm really starting to see it as unbelievable because, well, would any guard do that? Or just sit there and watch them do it?

Your descriptions were good, and again, so was your dialogue. The story was a bit unoriginal, but I liked the whole beginning before Billy went to jail. That was a good way to start it.

Sean
Posted by: Zack, March 3rd, 2008, 1:10am; Reply: 14
I agree with Gabe, this is the most realistic one I've read. That realism makes the story stronger.

The format was great. The descriptions and the dialoge flowed well. And you stuck to the theme and the genre.

Sadly, this one didn't really suck me in. I've read a few others like it. However, I still enjoyed the read.

Overall, a very good entry. Good job.

I'll give it a B+

~Zack~
Posted by: Blvd (Guest), March 4th, 2008, 1:42am; Reply: 15
It was neat that you applied to same logic from the start of the screenplay to the end of it.

I honestly think the first two pages can be rewritten, trimmed or even cut from the entire screenplay. Without knowing what Charlie did, he's a bit more mysterious in nature.
Posted by: alffy, March 4th, 2008, 4:57pm; Reply: 16
First thing a noticed here was that Curtis asks Charlie why he killed him, then when Charlie explains Curtis says 'why you telling me this'?...erm cos he asked!

Lovely description of the marmite soldier antics lol!  (that's the 'once I'm in the bowel it's smooth sailing')

Why would Charlie know Billy?

This was alright, nicely written and the dialogue was excellent.  A good effort.
Posted by: Blakkwolfe, March 5th, 2008, 6:20pm; Reply: 17
Not bad. The opening statement by Charlie should have been a (V.O)...Some of the phrasing seemed awkward, especially using the F-word...Didn't seem natural..."That pissed me the f off."? Just pissed off would be fine or "That f-in pissed me off" ... Charlie sits in the driver's side seat? That means Charlies at the wheel...Charlie says there's a safe in the back...How does he know this? Most of these places have an alarm, so time would be of the essence...It's a smash in, grab the register cash and run...The violence in the store was expected...

Then comes Billy, sitting down in a cell with a violent killer.

"You have no idea who I am..." Nope, and we don't either. Maybe if we did the scene would have more impact.

Billy strikes at Charlie's throat. Charlies a big guy. Unless he is kung fu master, I don't see Charlie just letting Billy grab him, at least he'd put up a hell of fight...It's now just comic as Charlie lets Billy do whatever he wants...This is a tough guy! He's a killer! No way way some punk is gonna come in and crush his larnyx without him doing something to stop it...True, he was at ease thinking he had the upper hand, but I give him way more credit than that...

The end with him wrapping the sheets...why bother? Everyone knew what happened- who are they trying to fool?

Like the paying for vengeance angle, but he should have gotten the lawyer from my old Guest of Honor short to have a Saw party for him...Good start with Charlie's character and the murder of the Earl McGraw (Which could have been a good voice over flashback...Set a good tone for the short instead of just talking about it)...

Already rewrote my vengance themed OWC, suggest rewriting and giving Billy a run for his money in the cell- Make him realize that this was a really dangerous idea that he may not walk away from...




Posted by: Mr.Z, March 9th, 2008, 10:53am; Reply: 18
Its a nice revenge story that youve got here, flyboy.

Read pretty fast and was quite entertaining.

Just when I thought that Billy was about to get his ass filled, there comes the twist, which was unexpected. Kudos on that.

Im not sure if you need Charlie to tell the story about the farm. The following scene is enough to establish hes a murdering bastard.

Good job. Enjoyed this one.  :)
Posted by: The boy who could fly, March 9th, 2008, 4:24pm; Reply: 19
Thanks for the reads and comments everyone.  I know that the idea was unoriginal looking back and seeing a few that were similar, but it seemed to work so that's good.  Thanks again. :D
Posted by: James McClung, March 15th, 2008, 9:32pm; Reply: 20
This was a pretty solid read. I probably should have realized this after reading The Dead And The Deader but you have a knack for writing some of the sickest, scummiest, most depraved sacks of crap ever. It makes your scripts very fun to read and reminds me that I need to try harder :P. Anyway, I thought Charlie was definitely one of those scumbags and I was happy to see his ass handed to him in the end.

"You shot me, you sonofabitch." I think you could lose this one. I don't think a cold-blooded killer would want to waste their last breath stating the obvious. Also, why does Curtis just take the bullet like that?

I thought Charlie's story worked and it was neccesary for the payoff. Storytelling within scripts shouldn't really be done without visuals though. Otherwise, it's basically just some guy talking. I think this story could've used a couple flashbacks. Also, Earl McGraw? I thought I'd heard this name before. I think you should've gone with another name. Nothing wrong with referencing characters from other films but McGraw died in From Dusk Till Dawn so it doesn't quite work.

Other than that, good job.
Posted by: The boy who could fly, March 17th, 2008, 2:16pm; Reply: 21
yo James, thanks for the read.


Quoted from James McClung
I probably should have realized this after reading The Dead And The Deader but you have a knack for writing some of the sickest, scummiest, most depraved sacks of crap ever.


It's easy cause I just base them on me...haha, just kidding...or am I  :P


Quoted from James McClung

"You shot me, you sonofabitch." I think you could lose this one. I don't think a cold-blooded killer would want to waste their last breath stating the obvious. Also, why does Curtis just take the bullet like that?


I think this played out different in my head than how I put it on paper, I think Charlie was just surprised, to me it was more comical, maybe I didn't write it out the correct way.  And Curtis is just as surprised as Charlie that he shot him, so he was kinda in shock.


Quoted from James McClung

I thought Charlie's story worked and it was neccesary for the payoff. Storytelling within scripts shouldn't really be done without visuals though. Otherwise, it's basically just some guy talking. I think this story could've used a couple flashbacks.


Agreed, I was gonna do that but to keep it to 12 pages I didn't do it.


Quoted from James McClung
Earl McGraw? I thought I'd heard this name before. I think you should've gone with another name. Nothing wrong with referencing characters from other films but McGraw died in From Dusk Till Dawn so it doesn't quite work.


Haha, I didn't realize that till after I submitted it, I think it was my subconscious.

Thanks again for the read, and congrat's again on Abattoir, I'm very Psyched for you  :D



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