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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  End of the Line - OWC
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  Author    End of the Line - OWC  (currently 3743 views)
Don
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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End of the Line by Jordan Weibe - Short, Drama - A brutal killer has more in common with his new cell mate than he thinks. - pdf, format



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Don  -  March 8th, 2008, 3:52pm
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Pete B. Lane
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

Good opening line, it really drew me in. But since it's over black, shouldn't it be: CHARLIE (V.O.)?

I planned to make comments as I read but I got too involved with this and forgot. That's a good thing.

This is a good script, certainly in the top 10 of the 17 OWC scripts I've read so far. Solid dialog and precise action leave very little to be desired. It did get a little less interesting as it went (I really liked the first four pages), but it's still a clear, concise story. I would have like to have seen a bit more development of Billy's character. Perhaps it would be cool if he was introduced, yet went unnoticed by Charlie, in the convenience store scene.  

Anyway, I enjoyed this and would like to read more from this writer. Grade: B+







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Pete B. Lane  -  February 27th, 2008, 6:47pm
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ABennettWriter
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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When I'm reading a spec script, I wanna read the script, not the format. The (CONT'D)s are distracting. When it's obvious, you don't have to mention it.

The story starts off with a brilliant first line. I was instantly hooked, but once Billy revealed his intentions, it all went away.

It just seems so implausible. Guy buys his way into a prison to kill his girlfriend's murderer.

It's written well, with some good dialogue, but I don't buy it.
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chism
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, this was another good one. Good formatting, fit well into genre/theme, all that guff. The story flowed nicely, despite the time lapse in the middle; it felt like one piece rather than one thing and then another. Dialogue was pretty interesting as well, that bowel line is fairly disturbing.

What I liked most was the little sense of irony slipped in at the end; Charlie was so concerned that his first victim knew who killed him, and now Billy is so concerned about the same thing. It’s kind of like at the end, Billy is the new Curtis. Don’t know if that was intentional or not, but that’s what I got out of it. Maybe I’m just reading too much into it, wouldn’t be the first time…

Anyway, an enjoyable piece. Good dialogue and flow, nice sense of irony and some pretty tense moments. Nice job.


Matt.
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greg
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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Another one where the law assists in the murder of a prisoner, but of the bunch I've read I think this was the best executed.  Yeah, morals are morals, but this one had dollars to show, plus the idea of doing the dirty work came from the guy's head; he didn't have to pay someone else to do it.  The characters were well shaped and the dialogue created a haunting atmosphere up until Billy beats the shit out of Charlie.  At that point it was like, justice is being served.  

Overall it was a breeze to read and I liked this one a lot.  Good job!


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pwhitcroft
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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This one is good and a well worked story.

I’m not sure that the conversation in the car helps this story get going. On page 2 when Curtis asked “why are you telling me this?” I was thinking exactly the same thing.

I think this story had a problem with pace. It was not slow so much as even throughout.

You have numerous commas where you should probably have full stops.

Philip


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James R
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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This one was awesome, very nice work. Like Pete I was lost in this one which was a good thing. I thought it flowed well and was well written. Solid dialogue.


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I’m not sure that the conversation in the car helps this story get going. On page 2 when Curtis asked “why are you telling me this?” I was thinking exactly the same thing.


I felt the same way. Shouldn't the intro be about Billy, our protagonist? I thought there could have been more background on Billy, though that would have changed the ending a lot.

Like all of these, a little rewriting could do this one some good, but it's preety darn good as it is too.

James


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Old Time Wesley
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
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Not much to say about this one. It's good all around except for one thing.

It doesn't do anything special. The ending is the same as a few others I have read. (You cannot know what others will write of course but it had to be on your mind when writing it.)

Charlie is an intriguing character and enjoyable to read.

Of the ones I have read it is probably the best written so far.


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GM
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
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This is the most effective approach towards having the authorities involved that I have read so far. The story naturally flowed, dialgoue and characters felt real.

I saw only minor problems. What I would have liked to seen was near the beginning, when he mentions the guy he cuts the throat. Why not have Charlie act it out rather than take out a smoke. Also, I would like to know why would Curtis work with him if he knew the type of guy that Charlie was?

Hope this helps
Gabe
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bert
Posted: February 28th, 2008, 8:07am Report to Moderator
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Very well written.  High marks for that.  As a few have said, the first line grabs you and pulls you in, just as it is supposed to.

But the storyline is a conventional one, and unfortunately, when surrounded by prison scripts, that is all the more evident.  It is also a bit unbelievable, but not intolerably so.

And the final patch of dialogue seems a little flat.  Perhaps a bit too conversational and a bit too quick for what has just occurred.

Standing alone, outside of the OWC, perhaps this might have struck a stronger chord -- but as we have seen, when charged with generating a script in a prison cell, the first thing that springs to mind for many is a tale of revenge.

Despite the obvious talent behind this one, there is not enough to make this one really stand apart from the herd.

OWC Score:  85%


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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: February 28th, 2008, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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I agree that this was well written, but had nothing special to it.

Reminded me of Experimental Heroes a bit. I guess I was waiting for Billy to be someone else, but the boyfriend of the murdered girl was too conventional. I wanted it to end with a punch, but it went out with a whimper.


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RobertSpence
Posted: February 29th, 2008, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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A well written script. Your dialogue was spot on, my fave speech was when Charlie says something bout it not gonna hurt for the first couple of inches. That was funny. No arguments with the format and there is only so much you can do with 12 pages, and even though I knew what was gonna happen by the moment Billy came in, I still enjoyed reading what happened. Good attempt.


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mcornetto
Posted: February 29th, 2008, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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Good script. Very familiar storyline but it met the OWC brief and I liked it.  There were little things that could be improved but overall the dialogue and characters were nicely written.  The problem that I have with it is that it didn't have anything to make it stand out from the others so I would give this a OPTION.

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Pete B. Lane  -  February 29th, 2008, 5:46pm
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Zombie Sean
Posted: March 1st, 2008, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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Since the OWC is almost done for, I've already been informed from some people about which script they wrote and stuff. But if I didn't know who wrote what still, then I'd have two guesses for this. Their writing style or the idea of this script is what gives it away.

The dialogue was good, though, I think it is a bit weird how a guy bought his way into a prison for one night. There are a lot of scripts here where the guards help people kill other inmates, and I'm really starting to see it as unbelievable because, well, would any guard do that? Or just sit there and watch them do it?

Your descriptions were good, and again, so was your dialogue. The story was a bit unoriginal, but I liked the whole beginning before Billy went to jail. That was a good way to start it.

Sean


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Zack
Posted: March 3rd, 2008, 1:10am Report to Moderator
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I agree with Gabe, this is the most realistic one I've read. That realism makes the story stronger.

The format was great. The descriptions and the dialoge flowed well. And you stuck to the theme and the genre.

Sadly, this one didn't really suck me in. I've read a few others like it. However, I still enjoyed the read.

Overall, a very good entry. Good job.

I'll give it a B+

~Zack~


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