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Good opening line, it really drew me in. But since it's over black, shouldn't it be: CHARLIE (V.O.)?
I planned to make comments as I read but I got too involved with this and forgot. That's a good thing.
This is a good script, certainly in the top 10 of the 17 OWC scripts I've read so far. Solid dialog and precise action leave very little to be desired. It did get a little less interesting as it went (I really liked the first four pages), but it's still a clear, concise story. I would have like to have seen a bit more development of Billy's character. Perhaps it would be cool if he was introduced, yet went unnoticed by Charlie, in the convenience store scene.
Anyway, I enjoyed this and would like to read more from this writer. Grade: B+
Okay, this was another good one. Good formatting, fit well into genre/theme, all that guff. The story flowed nicely, despite the time lapse in the middle; it felt like one piece rather than one thing and then another. Dialogue was pretty interesting as well, that bowel line is fairly disturbing.
What I liked most was the little sense of irony slipped in at the end; Charlie was so concerned that his first victim knew who killed him, and now Billy is so concerned about the same thing. It’s kind of like at the end, Billy is the new Curtis. Don’t know if that was intentional or not, but that’s what I got out of it. Maybe I’m just reading too much into it, wouldn’t be the first time…
Anyway, an enjoyable piece. Good dialogue and flow, nice sense of irony and some pretty tense moments. Nice job.
Another one where the law assists in the murder of a prisoner, but of the bunch I've read I think this was the best executed. Yeah, morals are morals, but this one had dollars to show, plus the idea of doing the dirty work came from the guy's head; he didn't have to pay someone else to do it. The characters were well shaped and the dialogue created a haunting atmosphere up until Billy beats the shit out of Charlie. At that point it was like, justice is being served.
Overall it was a breeze to read and I liked this one a lot. Good job!
This is the most effective approach towards having the authorities involved that I have read so far. The story naturally flowed, dialgoue and characters felt real.
I saw only minor problems. What I would have liked to seen was near the beginning, when he mentions the guy he cuts the throat. Why not have Charlie act it out rather than take out a smoke. Also, I would like to know why would Curtis work with him if he knew the type of guy that Charlie was?
Very well written. High marks for that. As a few have said, the first line grabs you and pulls you in, just as it is supposed to.
But the storyline is a conventional one, and unfortunately, when surrounded by prison scripts, that is all the more evident. It is also a bit unbelievable, but not intolerably so.
And the final patch of dialogue seems a little flat. Perhaps a bit too conversational and a bit too quick for what has just occurred.
Standing alone, outside of the OWC, perhaps this might have struck a stronger chord -- but as we have seen, when charged with generating a script in a prison cell, the first thing that springs to mind for many is a tale of revenge.
Despite the obvious talent behind this one, there is not enough to make this one really stand apart from the herd.
I agree that this was well written, but had nothing special to it.
Reminded me of Experimental Heroes a bit. I guess I was waiting for Billy to be someone else, but the boyfriend of the murdered girl was too conventional. I wanted it to end with a punch, but it went out with a whimper.
A well written script. Your dialogue was spot on, my fave speech was when Charlie says something bout it not gonna hurt for the first couple of inches. That was funny. No arguments with the format and there is only so much you can do with 12 pages, and even though I knew what was gonna happen by the moment Billy came in, I still enjoyed reading what happened. Good attempt.
Good script. Very familiar storyline but it met the OWC brief and I liked it. There were little things that could be improved but overall the dialogue and characters were nicely written. The problem that I have with it is that it didn't have anything to make it stand out from the others so I would give this a OPTION.
Since the OWC is almost done for, I've already been informed from some people about which script they wrote and stuff. But if I didn't know who wrote what still, then I'd have two guesses for this. Their writing style or the idea of this script is what gives it away.
The dialogue was good, though, I think it is a bit weird how a guy bought his way into a prison for one night. There are a lot of scripts here where the guards help people kill other inmates, and I'm really starting to see it as unbelievable because, well, would any guard do that? Or just sit there and watch them do it?
Your descriptions were good, and again, so was your dialogue. The story was a bit unoriginal, but I liked the whole beginning before Billy went to jail. That was a good way to start it.