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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Action/Adventure Scripts  /  Loud and Nasty
Posted by: Don, May 7th, 2006, 3:25pm
Loud and Nasty by Tyler Hawkins (Tanthony) - Action - Notorious gangster, Tucker Price, protects his dim wit brother, deals with his cheating girl friend and fends off a stranger looking for revenge. 102 pages - pdf, format 8)




Down and Dirty by Tyler Hawkins (Tanthony) - Action - An aging gangster and his buddy go on a manhunt to kill the person who murdered their friend. Sequel to Loud and Nasty. 104 pages - pdf, format 8)

Posted by: TAnthony, May 8th, 2006, 7:57pm; Reply: 1
I'd really appreciate any kind of feedback. You can be as harsh as you want I just want the truth.

Thanks.
Posted by: mgj, May 9th, 2006, 1:52pm; Reply: 2
I just finished reading this and my impressions were that, while it made for an amusing read, it was just too long.  It has always been my understanding that a script should be between 90 and 120 pages so it would probably be in your best interests to pair it down quite a bit.  139 pages is asking alot from the reader.

Personally I'd start with the dialog.  In many ways this was the strength of the script.  It was colorful and even, at times, witty but truth be told it also went a little overboard.  I'm willing to bet that by reviewing each scene and removing any redundant lines of dialog or reworking certain passages you'd pair it down quite a bit.

Some of the more memorable scenes that stuck out for me were when Rocky visited his son Johnny at his home and tried, quite poorly, to explain to him why he was never around.  I also liked the Shaft/Dirty Harry comparisons.

Formatting wise this was fine.  I noticed only a few minor spelling mistakes.  Most involved missing comas in some of the dialog passages.  The additional log lines that you inserted indicating that this was still a flashback sequence were quite helpful.  Without them it could have gotten quite confusing.

I'm still trying to replay the story arc in my mind.  It's my recollection that the kidnapping/ransom sequence occurs quite late, possibly near the mid-way point.  This should probably occur much sooner since it sets so many things in motion for the rest of the story.

Overall this could make for an interesting gangster picture with a bit of work, something along the lines of Payback or Pulp Fiction.  There were some memorable moments and you seem to have a good grasp of the genre.  Just be sure, if you do any rewrites, to distance yourself from those films as much as possible and focus on what makes your story unique.

Hope this helps.
Posted by: TAnthony, May 9th, 2006, 6:53pm; Reply: 3
Thanks for the review Mgj it was very useful. This script is still a work in progress, and I'm still trying to take the page numbers down a bit. I guess you're right about the kidnapping, maybe that should occur a little later.

Thanks a lot for the review.
Posted by: ChipPollo, May 11th, 2006, 11:31am; Reply: 4
Man, I really love this Tucker Price cat. He reminds me alot of James Bond. I get the feeling this script originally had him working with gadgets and shit. Also, was Q-tip supossed to be related to Jerry's character? I know it seems like a long shot but I kept getting that vibe. Reese was definetly the standout in the story to me. There is something about that guy that seemed so real to me
Posted by: TAnthony, May 11th, 2006, 12:46pm; Reply: 5
ChipPollo, I don't understand what you mean. There is no one in my story named     Q-tip or Jerry.
Posted by: phenom, May 12th, 2006, 12:29am; Reply: 6
hey tanthony i read your script. first of your script was in the right format, but i can care less about the format. i really like tucker hes a cool cat. i really enjoyed reading your script, i was always intersted what was going on in your story, i was never bored. the only con was that i think your script may be to long. but that doesnt really matter, the important thing is that you have good story and a good script, which you do have. i also really like the dialog in your script. well keep up the good work, hope to read more of your scripts in the future and i also read some my upcoming scripts in the future.
Posted by: rymatt, May 13th, 2006, 1:16pm; Reply: 7
I liked it. The dialouge was pretty real and the storyline was fresh for how many times it was used. Good job!
Posted by: TheUsualSuspect, May 14th, 2006, 7:44pm; Reply: 8
Just finished.

First Thoughts

It was long, you can trim some things out of it to make it shorter.

The dialogue was okay, I wasn't too fond of it in some places, but others it was quite good.

Some minor spelling mistakes that I can get passed.

I loved all the characters, as well as their names (Frizzy, Fat Boy) it had a "snatch" feel to it.

Again, like many others are saying, Tucker is one cool dude.


Great job, kudos to writing a script that's longer then 120, I find it hard to finish a screenplay.

Keep up the good work, you'll only get better in time and that's when it really knocks the socks off.

I hope to read more things from you in the future.
Posted by: DanMilitello, May 14th, 2006, 9:19pm; Reply: 9
Very good read....entertaining I thought the whole way through.

pretty much agree with the others....cut it down to about 115-118 max and it will be even better.

I did like the character Tucker...bad ass is all I have to say
Posted by: DanMilitello, May 14th, 2006, 9:29pm; Reply: 10
Oh almost forgot

7/10
Posted by: TAnthony, May 14th, 2006, 9:34pm; Reply: 11
Thanks for the review Dan. Very helpful.

I'll check out one of yours.
Posted by: huckleberry, May 15th, 2006, 3:00am; Reply: 12
I had a couple ideas for a screen play, but didn't know how to write one...the format and what not. I just googled "screen plays" -one click led to the next and I landed at this site.  Because of your script, I'm glad I did.  I don't even know how to write a screen play so I'm not able to offer you any constructive criticism.  I am in the position to tell the author whether I liked it or not (if not, then I just don't comments).  I liked it. It was flowed very nicely (only took me two and a half beers to read it) and something I'd pay money to see on screen.  keep up the good work.  
Posted by: ChipPollo, May 15th, 2006, 11:46am; Reply: 13

Quoted from TAnthony
ChipPollo, I don't understand what you mean. There is no one in my story named     Q-tip or Jerry.


Sorry about that. I mean't Carl, not Q-Tip. I've always got those two names mixed up. But anyway, I mean't Carl and Vincent.
Posted by: TAnthony, May 15th, 2006, 6:31pm; Reply: 14
Wow! how could you possibly think Carl and Vincent were related? Those two characters have a combined total of like 6 lines. In two different parts of the story. And how do you get Carl and Q-tip mixed up? And Jerry and Vincent mixed up? Well to answer your question no.
Posted by: ScriptInspector (Guest), May 18th, 2006, 12:36pm; Reply: 15
I definitely enjoyed it but I think you need to streamline a little. There's a lot there which i would consider surplus to requirement. Just keep the good stuff.
Posted by: The boy who could fly, May 19th, 2006, 3:12pm; Reply: 16
Just wanna let you know that I am going to read this today or tomorrow, sounds good though :)
Posted by: Kotton, May 19th, 2006, 3:57pm; Reply: 17
Tyler,

I really don't have much to say, except that I fully enjoyed the read.Like I said in my PM to you, I will get back with you about specifics at a later date. I just wanted to let you know that I read it and that I enjoyed it.

Off to read some more, talk to you soon!
Posted by: The boy who could fly, May 21st, 2006, 12:57am; Reply: 18
HEY!

I'm at the half way point so I'll post what I think so far.

This is an intersting story and I wanna see where it ends up, I think I have a feeling who the man is, I may be wrong though.

first onto the some grammer mistakes.

on page 8 you have Rocky say" these OUR the kinda places...."  I think you ment ARE.

On page 20 you have Tucker say "I'm the smarter out of us"  that should be "the smarter one of the two of us"

On page 21 Luther says "you proabaly didn't even knock hard enough" should be "you  proabaly didn't knock hard enough"

On page 33 Tucker says " you talk like this is an all out bad guy" should be" you talk like he's an all out bad guy"

On page 35 Cassandra says "did you feel bad about"  ahould be "did you feel bad about it"

On page 39 Rocky says " that's how Rick you used to be" should be "that's how rick used to be"

On the story itself it holds together pretty good.  there are a few parts that drag on though.  The Sammy kill scene seems to go on and on and on, then they talk about it for another couple pages.  I think it would be cool if he was shot and they just went on like it never happend.  Then when Tucker gets home and talks to Cassandra about it, it goes on and on again, I don't think that conversation is needed.

The whole part with Rocky and his son should go, That scene was kinda wierd, I don't know anyone who would say those things to their little kid, it felt off, even from a scumbag like Rocky.

so that's as far as I got so far.  I will finish the rest tonight or tomorrw, I'm interested to see where's it's going.  It's a pretty good story so far.  Good work. :)
Posted by: The boy who could fly, May 21st, 2006, 11:44pm; Reply: 19
okay I just finished it.

my thoughts,

I thought this was an interesting script, but it does seem to be a little bloated, there are lots of things that should be trimmed.  some dialog seems to go on for far too long repeating what has just happened, those are some things you can cut out to shorten up this script.

I liked The Tucker character, he was interesting and not a cardboard cut out, good job there.  Cassandra was a real bith, I was hopin she was gonna get it cause she deserved it the most.

I had a problem on page 65 where the man smacks the reseptionist around,, her reaction and what follows is not realistic, so I suggest you change that.

on page 100 you have Rocky say "we just and answered all those stupid questions you asked"  I didn't get that.

also on page 100 you have slick say" speak when I spoken too you"  should be "speak when spoken to"

on page 119 and 120 you need scene headings.

I also think there is enough plot is this script for two movies, you have a lot going on here, I thinks some of the sub plots should be taken out, especialy the part with Rocky and his son, none of that felt real.

I liked how you tied things up in the end, and what happens there I did not see coming, good job.

All in all you had a good story that just seemed to drag a little bit, if you tightened this up I think it would work a lot better.  Good work and keep up with the writing :)
Posted by: TAnthony, June 1st, 2006, 3:09pm; Reply: 20
A revised version of my script is up.
Posted by: leanordjenkis, June 1st, 2006, 4:38pm; Reply: 21
Hey T.  I owe you a review.  I'll have it up by Saturday.  Promise!
Posted by: rooney, June 8th, 2006, 1:10am; Reply: 22
Tyler, I'll finish your script tonight and post a review either tonight or tomorrow, but it will happen very soon...  

rooney out.  
Posted by: rooney, June 8th, 2006, 5:25pm; Reply: 23
**SPOILERS AHEAD MAITEE**

So I finished your script this morning and here are my thoughts:

Early on in the script, I got a Sin City vibe, but then that went away when the focus switched from The Man to Tucker.  Now, I'm not sure what kind of vibe I get.

You need curse words!  Most people (myself included) tend to use too many bad words, but you used NONE.  Clearly that was your intent, but I can only take so much of people calling each other "sucka."  Afterall, these are not good people in this story, let the language fly!

I'm a fan of flashbacks and other jumps in time, and that works really well.  Some of your pivotal scenes could use a bit more tension.  Sometimes actions and reactions happen too quickly.

Here's a little breakdown from my notes I made while reading:  

Page 4 - The manís dialogue about Tucker should be shortened, it just seems a bit repetitive.

Page 7 - Does the man kill the waiter who goes for the phone, or what?  Also, when the group is walking throught the apartment, thereís four of them but it says "leading the 5."

Page 17 Ė by now with the violence and the dark undertone, Iím wondering where the hell is the cursing?  Itís good to show restraint, but come on man, letís rev this bitch up!

Page 19 -  How do we know their carrying narcotics in their backpacks?  We find out later, so why not wait to tell us?

Page 23 Ė Already found multiple typos!  Proofread!

Page 24 - We need to know if Tucker and Luther took their backpacks away from the thugs.  Not clear.  On the next page we figure it out, but why wait on that?

Page 26 Ė Tucker and Luther talk way to casually with Tooth Pick.  There needs to be more fear/respect there, afterall, they're punk kids and he's a grown gangster.

Page 30 Ė Too much telling without showing.  We learn all kinds of stuff about Cassandra by you telling us.
Page 42 Ė I like the inclusion of the title.

Page 59 Ė The manís dialogue sounds like sin city and rourkeís character.  (good thing)

Page 67 Ė No ski-masks when they kidnap Reggie?  Not concerned about identity pretty much throughout...

Page 78 Ė Scene where Tucker catches Cassandra cheating Ė more suspense needed, maybe Smooth is hiding in the closet or something and Cassandra has to lieÖ

Page 81 Ė On several occaisions, people fire guns in apartments and no cops are called.

Ending - I expected a big showdown between Luther and Tucker, but I must say, I was not dissapointed that Luther killed himself.  It was a surprise, but it was also very human that he did not gain as much satisfaction from his revenge as he thought.

Overall, I enjoyed this script.  The thing about these types of movies is that the characters' personalities and quirks must be over the top to sell their fantastic actions and reactions.  

You seem to be a big fan of loyalty, which rings loud and clear in Tucker and Mile's relationship, as well as with the twins.  The fact that Tucker does not kill Smooth, was a nice touch, because the flow of the script had me thinking Tucker would just shoot him quickly.  

Since loyalty is important, it works well that the main conflicts are based on betrayal.

See if you can go in and spice up the emotional feel, add a little cursing (it's already rated R anyway) and up the suspense and it will be solid through and through.

Good job.




  
Posted by: TAnthony, June 8th, 2006, 7:49pm; Reply: 24
Thanks Rooney. I'm almost finished with your script, it'll be up either today or tomorrow.
Posted by: leanordjenkis, June 11th, 2006, 5:00am; Reply: 25
Alright.  Sorry for the big delay.  Like I explained, I had other scripts ahead of you and I also cover scripts for a company in LA so that got in the way too.

I think you have the foundation for a solid story here.  The foundation for a good lead and a good cast of characters as well.  Overall, it really needs a lot of work.  This is probably your first draft and (I hope you're not insulted when I write this) it reads like it.

I'm going to nail you on a lot of things since I tried to go line by line in trying to determine your intention.  This might look really ugly when you're done reading this but I can assure you, if you correct them, you'll be able to start the all-important re-write on strong footing.

First of all, I am not a fan of titles being used in screenplays.  Sometimes it works out you decide on a title because it's somewhere in the script, sometimes you intentionally decide to include it.  Both, in my opinion are lazy.  Loud and Nasty could stay as your title though.  Just...well, whatever.  I already said it.  It is definitely a good title, catchy...ala SNATCH.  And if this is the typre of genre that you're going for then it fits.  Overall, I tought it played out more like a SNATCH than a GOODFELLAS.  A gangster comedy is more the genre here.  Not Action.

This could, facetiously be called FLASHBACK.  You use way too much and when you do, they're way too long.  WAY, WAY, WAY too long.  This is part of structure.  It really breaks up any rhythm that was building and diverts it to another storyline.  Seems like your flashbacks are more character development.  The kind that you write FOR YOURSELF in order to get to know your characters.  You should think about cutting these and write in the current-day timeline and be  hinting at what happened in the past.  This could be a much more intriguing structure.

Your lead character is supposed to be Tucker yet he feels really lost and muddled as a lead.  Your antagonist is supposed to be Luther yet he is lost because of the flashbacks.  In order to make a convincing antag, we can't know every single detail about him.  In your flashbacks, you show every single  motivation and then the payoff becomes bland.  You need to continue the aura of mystery about him that comes off well in your intro.  Your intro was very well written by the way.  Good pacing.

You need to cut out the CUT TO's and the CAMERA DIRECTION.  It's a spec.  You don't need them.  Should I say, you're not suppose to have them.  (A very important lesson I learned in this website)

Also, If you're going to use Flashbacks, do not us STILL IN FLASHBACK.  A Flash is a Flash until you use the words END OF FLASHBACK.  I saw this so many times and it became very irritating.

OKAY.

Let's start with some specific errors that I found.  Brace yourself...

PAGE 1:  ( First, a reader should never have to put PAGE ONE on any of your script notes.  This is a very bad start.)  
    
Description:  "A man put a round in his face..."  Not needed.  Get rid of it.

Obviously if he's smiling, he wouldn't be angry.  He simply has a determined look.  Period.
    
"It's an average, old diner with a few parked cars in front."  Doesn't this get to the point faster than what you have?

Get rid of the passive verbs.  Write in the present tense.
"The owner turns around and prepares the coffee."

Page 3- The owner is the owner.  There are no other owners here.  No need to specify it again that he owns the diner.

Page 4 - The owner turns around.  (period)  Get rid of everything else.

Page 7 - How can a stare be scared?

Tucker Price (mid thirties or mid 30's)
He is handsome.  Period.  Not rather handsome and not rather bad-looking.

Rocky carries a black suitcase.  Avoid the word nice.  Sounds too generic and frankly, no excuse for not having a handy thesaurus by your side.

Like I said before, Good Intro.  Good job.

Page 14 - The four men walk out of the apartment complex and towards a black Escalade.  Avoid everything else.  Not needed to say that Samuel is running his mouth.  Also, don't know how you'ld write it but you shouldn't have brand names like Escalade.  Write a large, black S.U.V.

Page 16  Full shot?  Are you shooting this?  

page 19 - Driving the convertible is The Man.  (period)  Nothing else needed.

The Flashback note:  This is your script.  You tell us what kind of FB it is.

Why is there some dialouge in italics?

page 25 - If he breaks both his wrists, how could he grab his hand?

TOOTH PICK, a fat man, sits behind a desk.  Nothing else needed.

page 26 - His arm is broken?  Not his wrists?

LONG LONG LONG FLASHBACK.  Refer to opening statement about this.  You're in p26 and a third of it is a flashback.  That's is not good for pacing.  I should be getting to know the character in his present age not the one in his past!

page 35 - Tucker's retort about Sammy doesn't fit with his argument with the twins.  Am I missing something here?

page 38 - "In flashbacks, thy're still wild and irresponsible..."  Really?  How?  Thanks for the info but show me, don't tell me.

And as a note:  All of them sound like irresponsible morons.  Don't know if that's what you're trying to do but I would recommend you change it up.  If they're all going to behave the same way, then start combing characters and start shortening the script.

p49 - Rocky's dialouge with his son is really well done.  Laughing here but yet, it's way too long.  I know what you're getting at here.  Kind of like a Jerry Maguire moment with the kid in the sofa.  Look for said script in this site and check out how Cameron Crowe does it.  He breaks it up and still gets to the same point that you're trying to get at.  Imitation is the best form of flattery.

Pages 38-50 is one long flashback.  So far you have 50 pages and twenty or so is flashback.  That means it's 40 percent.  you need to re-evaluate the impact this has on your story.  It's not working for me at this point.

p51 - You need to capitalize Reese's intro.

page 59 - I just noticed this for a second time...where is Tucker's (VO) during flashbacks coming from?  Is he our narrator?  If so, he has not been established as the narrator.

I'll stop with the page numbers now.  I could go on and on but I believe that I have given you the foundation needed to properly go back into the script with an eye on these things.

I counted the number of pages in flashbacks.  FORTY.  Forty pages of flashback which could easily be five.  139-40+5=  A pretty tight script.  You see, what those forty pages are doing is cutting of the rhythm of what was intended.  A story of revenge with a slight twist at the end.  The antagonist gets lost in the first half because the majority of it is flashback involving the antagonist.  When you start explaining motive then he isn't quite a bad guy anymore so when actually gets going and starts killing, we know and sympathize too much.  You see?
Kind of like the mistake with the new Star Wars trilogy.  Altough Lucas stated that he wanted to tell the story of Darth Vader before he got into the suit, it completely demolishes the meaning of the original trilogy.  I want their to be an element of mystery surrounding antagonists.  This is primarily why it makes them so interesting.  When he kills himself, you say to yourself "Well, it's not surprising.  Ah well."   <----Do you really want someone saying this coming out of a movie theater?  Or would you prefer them saying "Holy Shit!  That caught me by surprise!"

I wanted to spend the time reading and analyzing your baby.  This is YOUR BABY!  It's obvious by the replies that no one has actually sat down to give you a proper and serious critique of your work.  I wanted to fill you with as much ammunition to attack your script again and find for you the major flaws so you can deal with them.

i will restate that all in all, you have a very solid foundation for screenplay.  It is a very interesting genre that you're tackling but the theme and execution is getting lost with the witty banter you're focusing on.  Overall, a lenghty read that read like the page count.  You can cut this by trimming those forty pages and focusing more on the main goal for the main character.

If there's anything more I can do for you, don't hesitate to contact me.
Posted by: TAnthony, June 11th, 2006, 4:16pm; Reply: 26
Thanks for the critque LeanordJenkis! Very helpful! A lot of other people were talking about the lengthy flashbacks and I was able to cut a lot of them down. It's still a working progress though.

Thanks a lot.
Posted by: leanordjenkis, June 11th, 2006, 10:30pm; Reply: 27
You're very welcome.  Thanks for reviewing Pause.  It meant alot.  I found myself in the same rut that you're in.  I learned a lot very quickly in thi site and others.

Hope it didn't sound too harsh.  Just keep in mind the comments and it's up to you wether you want to incorporate them.

Thanks.
Posted by: michel, June 13th, 2006, 7:30am; Reply: 28
TAnthony,

As I promised; I just finished reading Loud and Nasty. I personally think it's a good script, much violent, but good. Dialogs are living.
I would see it set in the 40's. It'd be a nice film noir atmosphere thriller. Good work.

********************* SPOILER ***************************

Anyway, the most difficult thing to get through the screen would be the hidden identity of the MAN. In fact, we guess very soon, as soon as the flashback starts, that he is Luther (page 19). On the paper, you can create the suspense, but on the frame it would be harder. Setting the action in the 40's, you could wear your character with a hat, and it wouldn't be too much clichť then.

Michel
Posted by: RonMexico, June 13th, 2006, 5:09pm; Reply: 29
**SPOILERS**

Sorry it's taken me a little while to respond. Here are my thoughts:

Over all, gotta say that I feel like this draft needs to be ironed out a lot.  It took me a while to get into it but after finishing it, I could honestly say there is a movie in there.  But you really need to streamline a lot of it and can easily cut out 25 pages without missing a beat.

The main problems I had, in terms of the actual writing, were that the script was overwritten. There were lots of instances where you told the reader what happened instead of letting it come out through character and dialogue.  There was way too much exposition. I understand that lots of times you want conversations to feel realistic, but that can be acheived by having strong characters rather than using exposition, which I have a couple of examples of below.  Also, the punctuation needs to be cleaned up. It didn't bother me but I could see agents/producers putting the script down because there are many cases where you're missing commas, periods, etc.  I have some other thoughts which I think I can cover in the page notes. Tried to be as specific as possible but I'm more of a big picture guy. That being said, I LOVED the ending which pretty much made lots of stuff work that I didn't care for as the script went along. The trick is to keep people interested enough to get to the ending.

HEADLINES:
- Tucker needs to be more charasmatic and more of a baddass. Sometimes comes off as a victim of circumstance and yet he has this big reputation. What is he? That needs to be fleshed out much more.

- Flashbacks need to be cut down. We're getting way too much information. I don't think we even need to know what exactly happened to Luther, all we need to know is that Luther was wronged by his best friend.

- Too much exposition (examples below, but not every instance). Too many characters that you really don't need.

- Structure is way off. To me, the story should be about a showdown with two badass guys. One, is Tucker, the other is Luther.  It should be about Tucker, the most fearless guy in town, watching an unknown scary guy take out his guys one by one.  And watching Tucker slowly gain fear as the showdown approaches. Who is this guy? What does he want?  Kinda like a human PREADTOR, with a purpose and motivation.  Maybe a bad analagy but that's where the movie is to me.

pg. 1 - A man put a round... - cut this. Example where you shouldn't tell the audience this. If nothing else, you're giving away a huge plot point on your third line of the script.

pg. 3 - top half - perfect example of too much exposition.

pg. 5 - The Man calling the guy a moron sounds like a kid taunting another kid. It's not scary. Down further on the page, more exposition that is un-needed. Focus on the pacing of the scene, the fear, the terror.

pg. 7 - I wasn't sure if I was rooting for The Man or not after the opening scene. I liked it and felt at that point that he might've been the protagonist.  Wasn't sure until you tell the reader a few lines down that Tucker is the protag. You shouldn't tell us, we should know, be drawn to, love the guy.  I was preetty drawn to the Man, seemed like he has way more personality than Tucker. That is def. something u need to fix.

pg. 15 - don't buy the accidental shooting. Plus, you really want to steer away from anything that resembles Pulp Fiction. A philsophical conversation before a hit will automatically bring that to mind.

pg. 16 - if Tucker is as tough as he's supposed to be, why do we have Zach & Rocky talking back to him so much? This is a consistent problem for Tucker.

pg. 19 - Didn't buy that they did nothing after The Man hit their car.  These are supposed to be badasses and they don't even really care? They just shot a guy for no reason yet they let this pass.  Don't buy it. Also, you need to figure out a more inventive way to weave in the flashback.  It comes out of nowhere.

pg. 26 - Tooth Pick's first dialogue at top of page is a perfect example of the lack of puncation all over the script.

pg. 29 - Tucker's first lines. Another example of unnessary exposition.

pg. 30 - instead of telling us that Cass loves money, show us. And that scene goes on way too long w/ her.

pg. 41 - at top of page, you're re-telling something that the reader has already read.

pg. 46 - i like pit bull's line about not cutting his name in two. a really good character driven line. try and do more of that w/ the other characters.

pg. 57 - don't get point of the scene w/ Slick.

pg. 59 - don't get the Man telling us his story. comes out of nowhere because its the only time in the script that anyone has done this (talking to himself). is this a stylish thing? if so, use it more. even if they break the fourth wall (a la INSIDE MAN), could be cool but must be consistent.

pg. 78 - you lost the impact of Smooth banging Cass because you already showed them together.  Why not hide it and reveal it here?

pg. 84 - the revelation that The Man is coming after all of them comes way too late. This, in my opinion, IS THE MOVIE.

pg. 87 - they know someone is trying to kill them, yet they "wonder what that was all about" when the Man tries to run them over??? and worse yet, don't even go after him?? Makes no sense.  Also, a ton of exposition on that page.

pg. 98 - this happens way too late. if you want to create this obstacle, do it earlier in the script. we should only be focusing on the showdown vs. Tucker & the Man by now.

pg. 106 - we shouldn't get lost in the POV of two people who mean nothing to the story at this point. we don't need to see these guys hunting down our hero. It's not their movie.

pg. 124 - really great ending!


That's it.  Let me know if you have any other questions. I think you do have something here but it needs some work. I'll post more thoughts if they come to me.


Posted by: TAnthony, June 13th, 2006, 7:12pm; Reply: 30
Thanks for your review Michel and RonMexico, you've been very helpful and should aid in my re-write.

Michel I've reviewed your script Forever...And again.

Michel- Before I began writing this I was actually thinking I would do sort of a film noir set in the forties, but then I figured I'd just do it present day because I wasn't sure if I could pull that off.

RonMexico- Thanks again for the awesome critique. I was trying to make Tucker hyped up to be some huge notorious gangster, but when you get to really know him he's not as tough as he's supposed to be. I guess I should flesh that out more.

I was also trying to make Luther the antagonist, but not neccesarily the bad guy. He's just as bad of a person as Tucker Price. I don't want it to appear that anyone in my script is the good or bad guy... They're all bad.

Thanks again!
Posted by: I_M, June 13th, 2006, 11:33pm; Reply: 31
So...

> The character of the Man is really descriptive, the way he walks, the way his attitude seems to be. Good. But there are some lines like, 'he's not smiling, he's not angry...' just put 'He's determined' cause the lines aren't really needed.
>'He Couldn't Care about...' same thing as I said above, those lines aren't really needed. You need to show the audience. Not tell them.
>Pg. 5> great dialogue
>Pg. 7> nice intro
>I'm on page 30 now and it seems great so far, great dialogue and good character development.

I'll continue tommorow.
Posted by: Parker, June 15th, 2006, 11:37am; Reply: 32
Okee dokie, just finished. Sorry it's a little late than I wanted it to be but, better late than never :).

SPOILERS!!

Just a few things:

Page 12: ďI done killed before and I can do it again.Ē I think that should be ďIíve done killing before...Ē

Page 22: ďWeíre inly going to kill one of you.Ē I think you just hit the I instead of the O.

Page 27: ďWhat kind of way is that to treat your own brother...Ē It should be YOUR not YOUíRE.

Page 32: ďNo, itís find where it is.Ē It should be fine not find :).

I stopped writing down these little mistakes after halfway. I think most of them you know now from other reviews. I hope so anyway :).

Characters: I loved the names on most of them. All of them really. You've picked some pretty cool, not totally unique, but names that you usually don't hear of or see in films. I loved The Man. I could immediately recognise him in my head. Though, to me, I could picture him a lot like Max Payne with your description of his voice mixed with a picture of Hartigan, Bruce Willisí character on Sin City. Saying that, there are a few other times I felt I was reading something in the style of Sin City apart from a huge thing I'll mention later. But yeah, the characters were great, they all seemed to have their own style of dialogue most times so it helped me believe these characters a lot more.

Dialogue: Not the best but it was pretty good in some parts. A lot of the time I really liked the dialogue though were the times it sounded like something one of the characters from Sin City would say. Like The Man, he was a very Sin City-ish character. Which is good thing... I don't mean it like the parts where I felt Sin City was creeping in, that you had just copied Sin City or anything. It had it's own style to it. Really cool.

The Story: Really cool. I enjoyed reading how the story unfolded. You had the right characters for the right story and everything just integrated together almost perfectly. Loud and Nasty is a pretty cool title for an action-y movie, I wasn't too bothered when I actually read it in the dialogue but some might think placing it in the dialogue would be corny. I didn't however, I thought it was a good touch and it didn't feel like you just stuck it in there so people could hear it.

The ending of the story was great. Though I do feel like you could've made a larger explanation to Luther's suicide. All you've put is "Luther raises his gun to his head..." The a second later: "Luther kills himself". You could go into gory details, I know you did it earlier in the story but I don't mean seriously gory :).

The Only Part I Hated: You might laugh at this. I'm not sure if anyone else mentioned it but it was a really big deal to me. I said earlier in my review I was going to mention this at the end and here it is. The characters dialogue was fine and all but what would have made this script really good and not just good would have been the inclusion of a lot of swearing/cursing! You need your characters to CURSE a lot please!! The characters just don't feel real at all. There's a lot of times where the guys are saying "I'm gonna blast you...". Screw that, say something like "I'm gonna shoot a mother-fucking bullet in your mother-fucking head!!" I know it sounds like something Samuel L Jackson would say but most times it's what someone like his character would say, you know. Cursing is real life. Everyone does it, even the most sweetest of people when the tough gets going. Place a lot of curse words in your screenplay and it'll be a really cool script. Until then it's just a good one. :)

Well, I hope this helps and I hope I didn't ramble on too long on the last part there. :) Anyway, good luck with it, you're a good writer who knows how to tell a story well. It was enjoyable :).

GBM
Posted by: TAnthony, June 15th, 2006, 1:59pm; Reply: 33
Thanks GBM,

You're the second person who said I need more curse words lol. One thing about curse words for me is that they kind of clutter things up in first drafts so that's why I normally wait to incorporate them when I have a final draft that is... "final".

Thanks for your critique.
Posted by: Parker, June 15th, 2006, 4:12pm; Reply: 34

Quoted from TAnthony
Thanks GBM,

You're the second person who said I need more curse words lol. Thanks for your critique.


Hey, it's cool. I hope I wasn't too harsh on that point about the cursing. It's not like if there wasn't any cursing in Loud and Nasty it would be really bad or anything. Your script is truly good and it can get much better, which is really, really good. Keep at it and something could very well come out of it TAnthony!  :D
Posted by: michel, June 16th, 2006, 6:47am; Reply: 35
I'm f****g agree with GravyBoatMan (lol). Even for an alien like me, I missed the cursing while I read.

Michel
Posted by: TAnthony, June 20th, 2006, 11:42pm; Reply: 36
I wrote Loud and Nasty not too long ago, and I remember when I first wrote it I was feeling so strongly about it. I mean I just loved my script to death. After a few reviews a few re-writes and cutting some things out, I really started to dislike it. I've read over it numerous times and I just don't like it as much as I did in the past. I'm thinking it's because...

-I've read it so many freakin' times and now it's just getting boring.
-It was never that good in the first place so no wonder.
-I've cut something out that I like.
-Thinking about other scripts I could be writing.

Has anyone else experienced this? I'm getting kind of worried.

Thanks.
Posted by: Shelton, June 20th, 2006, 11:46pm; Reply: 37
I've ran into this situation before, and mainly because of the first reason you laid out.

It just gets to a point where you're rewriting and rewriting and doing whatever, and you're dealing with the same characters and sotryline that it'll just start to drive you crazy.

Why not start work on a new script?  You can turn out a first draft of something, and then go back to L & N afterward.  You'll get your mind away from it for awhile, write somethign new, and be able to go back with a fresh perspective and be more objectionable.

I do it a lot actually.  I'll write a short after a rewrite, or start work on a new feature, and then I'll have things I can alternate rewrites on.
Posted by: Jaykur22, June 20th, 2006, 11:52pm; Reply: 38
Not that this brings much to the conversation, but I've been feeling the exact same way.  I've only written one screenplay, but at least you know you're not alone.
Posted by: TAnthony, June 20th, 2006, 11:55pm; Reply: 39
I tried working on something else. I wrote a 100 page script called Fool's Gold, and when I came back to Loud and Nasty I still didn't feel like working on it.

I think I'll just try to stick it out best I can, and continue to re-write it and stuff.

Thanks.
Posted by: tomson (Guest), June 21st, 2006, 12:01am; Reply: 40

Quoted from TAnthony
I've read it so many freakin' times and now it's just getting boring.


I have this bad obsessive compulsive habit of having to read the script from the beginning before I start writing. I'm a very slow reader, so by the time I get to page 60 or so, it takes me at least 1/2 an hour of reading it before I can even start to type. Believe me, it doesn't take long before I'm so bored with it I just hit the delete button just to get it out of my life.
Posted by: Mr.Z, June 21st, 2006, 12:28am; Reply: 41

Quoted from TAnthony
Has anyone else experienced this? I'm getting kind of worried.


INT. SCREENWRITER'S THERAPY GROUP - DAY

Mr. Z (29) stands in the middle of a group of screenwriters.

MR.Z
Hi, my name is Mr. Z and I delete scripts from my computer, after writing them.

EVERYONE
Hi, Mr.Z


Seriously, it is said that the only way to write an excellent script is to: write an awful one, then a very bad one, then a bad one, a mediocre one, then a good one, and finally an excellent one. Each script you finish makes you better, so it kind of makes sense if you feel a little bit ashamed or discouraged about your previous work.

At least that is what I tell myself to avoid seeing a shrink  ;D

I think that as long you believe that your last script is better than the one before, you're moving forward.

Posted by: James McClung, June 22nd, 2006, 8:30pm; Reply: 42
I'm reading this right now and noticing that I'm taking a lot more notes than I usually do. With that said, I'm going to have to break this review down into parts so it doesn't all end up being gigantic.

I see youíve already got a good number of reads for this so my apologies if any of my comments seem redundant...

- "A convertible car speeds down an empty long winding road. The Man inside has a nasty scar off to the side of his face.Ē Stop right there. Everything that follows is either over-elaborating or canít be shown on screen. Also, capitalize MAN. Character names should always be capitalized upon introduction.

- Lose the note about the Manís identity. Itís not necessary.

- You have a lot of thick, blocky paragraphs that you need to break down and I donít think you can do that by separating the sentences as they take up just as much space. Your descriptions are overly detailed and do a lot of telling and not enough showing. Screenwriting is intended to be very cut and dry and easy to read. Try to simplify things a little.

- The Man says heís in a rush yet he literally forces the diner owner into conversation. A conversation, which can get him into serious trouble. Not to mention heís saying things to the owner that beg for hostile reactions. Why would he do this if he is in a rush, especially when the subject of their conversation could actually get him to stay at the diner longer?

- Why does the Man pour coffee on the owner after heís told him exactly what he wants to hear? Tucker Price does live in the city, right?

- Again, the Manís in a rush and yet he decides to shoot up a diner? I suggest you lose the line earlier since it isnít spelled out where heís going.

- Thereís a fine line between clever and downright silly and this Sammy scene is teetering on it something awful. Maybe you were going for a Tarantino thing and the scene was supposed to be funny. If not, you might want to do something about it. Either way, it runs too long. The guyís on the ground twitching. The two guys can only debate so long.

- When you introduce the Man, he seems determined to kill Tucker. Yet when he finally gets close to him, all he does is bump his car. I think heíd be a bit more aggressive than that. Youíve got the opportunity for a big action sequence here but you donít go anywhere with it. Just a suggestion. Think about it. Either way, the Manís reaction rings false. I suggest you do something about it.

- Lose the note before the warehouse scene. This kind of thing is for the director to decide, not the screenwriter.

- I notice youíre giving a lot of backstory within the action lines. This is no good. The audience wonít know any of it if they ever see this on screen. Again, you need to show, not tell.

- Tucker practical gives the coke away to these guys. I think heíd put up more of a fight. I donít think Tucker would want to face his boss after losing the coke. Surely whatever punishment he could think up would be worse than getting jumped by a couple of punks.

- Tucker says ďyou donít understand.Ē I think it would strengthen his character if he made an attempt to make not only Cassandra but also the audience understand why he is constantly bailing his brother out of trouble. To simply say ďheís my brotherĒ isnít enough. This isnít a must by any means but it might be something you could think about.

- Tuckerís line ďIím supposed to walk through the door and be like honey Iím home...Ē hurts his chances of being a likeable character. Youíve been doing good with him so far. I suggest you omit this bit and add something more, for lack of a better word, ďmoderateĒ sounding.

- ďMexico, Spain, Italy...Ē This line could be simplified to ďEverywhere, and itíd just be you and me. No Miles, no twins, just us.Ē Even your dialogue is unnecessarily detailed. Itís not bad dialogue, itís just that thereís too much of it.

- This scene with Zach and the Man, get rid of it all together. First off, it seems to be unintentionally comical and it doesnít make sense that the Man would give Zach a warning. It also might help to cut down on some of the scriptís bulk.

- We donít need to know what Smooth is watching on TV. Omit this line.

- This whole conversation between Tucker and the twins goes nowhere. Thereís no character or plot development, just meaningless chitchat. This is okay every once and a while but youíve got two pages of it. This is no good. Just skip to Tucker reiterating what happened to him and Luther and even here, you should be careful. We already know what happened to them so only include the details the twins need to know.

I might as well share my initial thoughts now as I'm forty pages into the script and positive they're not going to change when I'm finished...

This is a very problematic script. Not a bad script, just problematic. To be fair, few of the problems actually have to do with the creative side of the script. Your story, characters, dialogue, etc. all seems to be okay so far, except at times, it does stray as I've said above. The main problem with the script is your problem with excess. Your script is 124 pages, which is on the long side, but not neccesarily so. It's not long because the story is complicated. It's long because you're writing way, way more than you should be. Everything, your sentences, your paragraphs, even your scenes run far, far too long, mostly due to meaningless detailed or you just getting carried away with your writing. You're also doing way too much telling and not enough showing in addition to using a lot of flowery writing, embelashing, and coloquial language that has no place in a screenplay. I'm enjoying your story and I like your characters so far but I feel like I'm reading a novel here as opposed to a screenplay.

Hope this helps.

More later...
Posted by: chubs mcgonigal, June 25th, 2006, 4:30am; Reply: 43
I finished this one last night.  This is going to be a long review.  Here you are:


SPOILERS


DIALOGUE:
- With a title like Loud and Nasty I expected dialogue that was, well, Loud and Nasty.  It was neither.  Like Jack Kerouac says, "Grab your characters by the balls."  Let your characters talk how they want to talk.  If you've taken the time to get to know them this shouldn't be too difficult.

CHARACTERS:
The Twins - They're described as "the only twins you'll ever meet that act just alike".  I get the feeling that the only purpose one of them serves is as cannon fodder at the bloodbath near the end.  By giving them their own personality traits you could cause more tension between them, which creates a more suspenseful environment, which keeps people in their seats.

Slick - What's his purpose in this script?  Is his presence justifiable?

Cassandra - She's introduced as a gold digger.  What's her attraction to Smooth?

FORMAT:
There were a few spots where you wrote what the characters were thinking.  This can't be shown.  Have the characters project their thoughts by their actions.  A few examples:

pg. 4 - "The owner turns around wishing he had never met this man, and that that will be the last thing said between the two.  But it won't be."

Instead of telling the readers what the owner's thinking, write something that can be shown.  i.e. An expression on the owner's face.

pg. 6 - "One of the waiters THINKS about stopping it, but can't build up enough courage.  Insteads he YELLS:"

This can be omitted.

pg. 14 - "He's (Zach) real passive and just goes with the flow.  So naturally, when he sees the dead body he could care less."

You get the idea.

THE STORY:
I liked the opening sequence.  A stranger rolls into town seeking revenge.  It sets up conflict right away.  Good job.

On pg. 19 Luther's introduced.  The main characters and conflict had just been set up, then we flash back to a seemingly new character's introduction.  It was a safe assumption that Luther was The Man.  This kills some of the intrigue early on.  Only reveal what's necessary to grasp the plot and keep us guessing until the end.

On pg. 59 comes my biggest problem with the script.  The Man's motivation for revenge is revealed through a very long and very direct monologue.  Up to this point Tucker had been set up as the flawed, but likeable protagonist, and The Man as a ruthless maniac.

I began to sympathize with The Man and wasn't sure who to root for.  It's like a sporting event, it's much more fun to cheer for one team or the other.  Let the readers suspend belief here.  Let the villain remain the villain (at least until the end).

A lot of the action near the end is centered around the beef between Miles and Fat Boy's crew.  Miles seems to be the one thing which can spur Tucker into action (evidenced in the long list of people Tucker has killed as a result of Miles' shenanigans).  If The Man had abducted and/or killed Miles to get back at Tucker there would be much more room for conflict and action between them.

The story here is that a stranger's hunting Tucker and his crew.  Now Tucker has a problem.  He's seemingly a victim (hence a sympathetic character).  He's a fish out of water because he's generally the aggressor and in charge.  

The solution to his problem (The Man) was the death of The Man.  How much effort did Tucker contribute to this solution?  Very little, if any.  He exhausted far more energy in cleaning up his brother's messes.  

The ending felt like a duex ex machina ending.  The problem solved itself.  Sure, he ended up miserable for his criminal ways (moral of the story), but he didn't struggle to get The Man.

One example of what I'm trying to get across is the movie Seven.  Brad Pitt's character has a problem - Kevin Spacey's character.  At the end his problem's solved by Spacey's character's death (what he wanted).  Pitt's character loses in the end and winds up miserable, but the whole movie was his attempts to solve this problem (catch Spacey's character).  Without this, there would be no movie.  The protagonist should go to great lengths to solve his problems.

The conflict is between two criminals.  One (Tucker) appears to be the more moral of the two, so we sympathize with him.  On pg. 59 we begin to sympathize with The Man.  I don't think The Man's true motives (avenging his dead family) should be revealed until the very end.  I don't think The Man's true identity should be revealed to Tucker until the very end.

Tucker has struggled to find The Man and solve his problem.  He thinks it's his redemption until he realizes that The Man was one of his previous victims.  The Man shoots himself.  Tucker realizes he has lost despite his best efforts.  He has lost the moral higher ground.

THE FLASHBACKS:
On pg. 59 The Man's true motivation is revealed.  I think this should wait until the very end (there's a flashback showing this anyway).  

Throughout the script show brief flashbacks of the heist where Luther/The Man stold the money from his commrades, but not that it was for his kid's operation.  Show when they shot him for revenge, but without showing his family being shot.  Save this for the very end.  Lead us to believe that The Man's motivation was greed.  This adds to your good guy-bad guy switch-a-roo ending.

SUMMARY:
Your first post on this review thread said, "You can be as harsh as you want I just want the truth."  Later, you post about your growing distaste of the script.  It's almost as if you want reviews that will give you a valid reason to get rid of it.

Loud and Nasty has a lot going for it.  It has an original and engaging plot, which is the most important aspect of any movie.  It has a great catchy title (the reason I read this script).  The first sequence pulls the reader in immediately.  Now comes the work phase.

Take breaks when needed, but keep sluggin' away at this one.  You'll be glad you did.  Good luck.
Posted by: James McClung, June 27th, 2006, 9:35pm; Reply: 44
- We donít need this scene of Rick being integrated into the kidnapping plot. Just skip to when they have everything organized. It works just as well. Your goal right now is to get rid of as much subterfuge as possible.

- Why does the Man shoot a mirror at the motel? Again, heís just drawing attention to himself.

- The Man's monologue doesn't work. I understand its purpose but no one would spend this much time talking to no one. It doesn't make sense. Either shorten it or lose it.

- The scene following the discovery of the Manís  identity (via the man at the bar) is pointless. Just reiteration. Why repeat something that the audience already knows. Lose this scene altogether.

-  Capitalize Marshallís name when you introduce him.

- Again, more reiteration. Lose the coroner scene.

- This final scene doesn't work at all. It's beyond anti-climactic, comes completely out of the blue, and makes no sense. Why would Luther spend so much time, the entire script, hunting Tucker down, just to kill himself in his own home?

Now, I'm guessing what you may have been trying to get at is that Luther wants Tucker to suffer in life rather than death. If this is the case, you'll want to make mention of it, either from Tucker or Luther. I think coming from Tucker, it would work better. If this isn't the case, see above.

Anyway, this was an extremely frustrating read. I've already explained to you the flaws in your writing style, regarding excess, but there's more. Your characters are fine. I liked Tucker. Such a straight arrow. Real down-to-earth guy (for a gangster anyway) that people can relate to easily. Luther was a good character as well. His motivation is understandable. There's also a decent story here but it is buried under much, much, too much subterfuge.

Now, as it turns out your script is shorter than Don's post says but your problem isn't your page numbers but what you fill your pages with. The subplot of kidnapping Tooth Pick's son was okay but takes up too much time and has basically nothing to do with the plot you start out with. I suggest you downsize it big time and try to integrate it into the main plot some how so it's of some relavence. The rest is either character development or meaningless chitchat. Character development is fine but don't let it hold the story back too much. I suggest you take it down a notch as a lot of what the characters say in the script is over elaborated. The chitchat, I'd say lose altogether.

I know it's a cliche but in your case, this is an absolute must: you want to keep your story moving forward as much as possible. Right now, your script is episodic. Try to bring the story into the forefront and I think your script will be in better shape.

Hope this helps.
Posted by: Coleman, June 29th, 2006, 1:52am; Reply: 45
TAnthony i've started reading the 124 page version of your story.  it's interesting, but i'm i'll tell you wut dooglebe told me.  in your actions, don't write down things that can't be filmed.  becuz this is a screenplay you have to show wut is happening rather than mearly saying it.  inner thoughts like "he knew exactly who Tucker Price was"  and feelings like "he felt uneasy" are two things that should be kept seperate from the action lines.  if this were a novel or a short story that it would be fine to merge the three.

second, avoid consistant use of words ending with -ing-.  only use them when you absulelty have to or if no other word will fit in its place. for instance. "what's the whether like outside?"  "It's pouring out there. you better bring an umbrella."

third. avoid words ending in -ly if possible.  i've learned words ending -ly tell an actor what to do and how he or she should do it.  that in turn takes away from the actors own interpretation of how he or she wants to play a character.

that's all i can think of for now. i'll start reading on your latest copy now.

~Brandon~
Posted by: greg, June 29th, 2006, 7:20pm; Reply: 46
Ya know, I just realized that your name is Tyler.  I've been calling you Anthony all this time.  Ha.  My apologies.  Also my apologies for the delayed review, but as promised, here it is.

So, my thoughts on your story are all over the place.  I think you have a good premise and the style/mood is consistent, but the script itself feels bloated.  At times it feels like it just kind of drags on in both the dialogue and descriptive parts.  I'm just gonna go off the top of my head here, so bear with me.

*The killing.  There's alot of loud and messy murders taking place in this story and the only one that is actually seen is Pit Bull's death.  I mean you got this guy who goes into a dinner and causes a scene, there's gunshots in a private residence, there's gunshots outside, at a gas station, people are dying all over the place!  Maybe this is Oakland and shit happens, ya know?  But I think you should try to be more conservative with the death, or do it more creatively.  If this draft were filmed I think it would get an R rating due to some sticky violence, so you can toy around with some of the murder scenes.  Rocky gets his fingers cut off and then gets shot in the head.  For some of the other guys you can show more torture if you want.  And add in some language.  This is one of those stories with lots of hard-ass Good Christian folks.

*Your writing style is very unorthodox.  There were parts where I did like your descriptions even though they were out of the ordinary, but at other times they really lagged things up. Avoid using "you" and "I" in descriptions, and to chizzle things down you can take out things like, for example when Tucker has a gun to Smooth's head "Smooth is so scared and he'd do anything to take back what he just said."  Ya know, alot of people will get your an ass just because you shouldn't write descriptions like that.  Personally, I don't have that big of a problem, but in this script they add up and it takes its toll.

*The characters I felt were pretty good.  Tucker is like that down to earth badass I liked how you molded Cassandra as kind of a bimbo.  Miles was weird.  When Tucker confronted Pit Bull, Miles was let off the hook but then he shoots him and Reese?  I don't know.  That just didn't work for me.  He's a good character as the weasel brother of the legend of the city, but the Pit Bull thing was just out there.  You could easily fix that with Pit Bull refusing to listen to Tucker and then Miles is forced to shoot him.  That would work better.  The supporting characters of Rocky and Smooth and Zach were well done too.  I don't know if Zach is a very good name for a fat hitman/driver dude, but whatever.

*Aside from the lack of any cuss words whatsoever, your dialogue was pretty good.  Leonard and Frizzy had some funny lines as were some other threatening remarks made by several other guys.  

*I think this story is more of a thriller than it is action.  There's violence and stuff, but the main thrill comes at the end when The Man turns out to be Luther.  That was a good twist, but you should start the buildup earlier in the story.  You first introduce Luther's family/money problem fairly late.  I think if you hint toward his son's health problems in the earlier flashbacks then that would help build the suspense and tension.

*The ending was very different from anything I expected.  What's strange is that Luther goes through all this trouble to kill all of Tucker's friends and stuff, but he doesn't kill Price.  I think I understand what you were trying to get at though.  Earlier he says that he wants Tucker to feel the same pain that he brought upon Luther, so rather than killing Tucker, he shoots himself to make Tucker feel guilty.  So now he has to live with the fact that all of his friends are dead with the addition of how he ruined Luther's life.  It's more of a psychological ending than it is climatic, which really was a nice surprise in my opinion.

Overall I do like what you have here.  I see that you already cut it some 25 pages, but I think it can be cut even more by taking out bloated descriptions and dialogue.  Things like Miles saying "we need to repaint the car" or whatever it was.  You don't need that.  If you cut out all that stuff and get it down to, say, 105 pages or so then you can add in more stuff such as buildup and get it up to a 120 page dealie.  Keep working on it, man.  It's a good story and the mood is consistently top notch.  Just add some more to the story using addition by subtraction and I think it'll be that much better.  Nice work!
Posted by: TAnthony, July 7th, 2006, 9:41pm; Reply: 47
Colligulas thank you for your review. It had to have be one of the best I've gotten. You've pin-pointed every problem in it. I'm just a little upset I accidently put up a revised version before I recieved your review.

I'm definelty going to incorporate everything you suggested in the next draft.

Thanks a bunch!
Posted by: TAnthony, July 7th, 2006, 9:46pm; Reply: 48
SPOILERS-----------




Quoted from James McClung
-
- This final scene doesn't work at all. It's beyond anti-climactic, comes completely out of the blue, and makes no sense. Why would Luther spend so much time, the entire script, hunting Tucker down, just to kill himself in his own home?

Now, I'm guessing what you may have been trying to get at is that Luther wants Tucker to suffer in life rather than death. If this is the case, you'll want to make mention of it, either from Tucker or Luther. I think coming from Tucker, it would work better. If this isn't the case, see above.


Tucker explains to Slick that Luther wants Tucker to feel the pain he put him through. Luther never really wanted to kill Tucker.

Thanks for your review James, very helpful.
Posted by: TAnthony, July 7th, 2006, 9:51pm; Reply: 49
Brandon Coleman - I hope you finish my script. I'll start on yours today.

Greg - Awesome review. I pretty much agree with everything you said. I'm going to have to change some of those weak-points and switch up the deaths to make them more creative.

Thanks.
Posted by: ALIEN MAN, July 19th, 2006, 10:24am; Reply: 50
Tanthoney

I just finished your loud and nasty script. I really enjoyed it. Like how you called the man "The Man" until you find out his real identity. Too me it was like a suspense, thiller, action/adventure. And very odd to see how he got that scar.
Anways, great script, just kind of the script I like. Keep up the good work,
Posted by: Antemasque, July 20th, 2006, 4:55pm; Reply: 51
Throughout my reading of this. i got bored. but then my boredum was struck with excitment. i guess you can say your script has its downfalls. but then your script has the 'uprise?' lol.  i know it's weird but it felt like the movie running scared. i don't see how that happened. i emjoyed your script very much and felt like it could make a good movie. but i think it's a little too long. just a little. maybe make some edits and have it about 10 pages shorter. I liked the deaths even though some of them were off screen. which i think you should put on screen. that would make it more grittier and suspensful i believe. the dialouge was fine and your story was fine. nothing wrong with it except the length and violence i'd say.
Posted by: Coleman, July 25th, 2006, 5:30pm; Reply: 52
Wut up Tyler. i haven't forgotten to give u a complete review. Sorry it's taking so long, but i'm having a hard time finishing your script becuz it's written like a short story.  you have way to many words like pain, unconfortable, annoyed. instead you should show how the character feels. keep in mind the five senses. does Tucker's nose limp and groan after he escapes from those thugs. Does Samuels bowls release when he's shot dead.

another thing. u have way to many -ing- and -ly- words. i don't think an actor or actress likes to be told what to do in every action scene.

complete review on the way
-Brandon-
Posted by: tonkatough, August 12th, 2006, 9:06am; Reply: 53
Great script. I loved it. Fantastic. Here why.

The opening scene with "the man" The dialouge was amazing. It was like you where channeling the essence of Clint Eastwood. It sound like he's kind of dialouge. I like this dude. he is cool.

Introduce Tucker. it clear that he is a bad arse with a conscience. I quickly started to connect with him. It is a very subtle way to generate conflict with in the Tucker character. his line of his work Vs the reluctence to kill. great stuff

Oh so Tucker is the main hero of this story. It took me 24 pages to figure this out. I was so impressed with the man at the begining that I thought he was the main protagonist.

Cassandra is my favourite character. She is very cool. very fem fatel or what ever the word is. I dig how she is a broad in a tough man's world and question and criticize it the only way a woman can.

The flash backs are very effective and work as a great hook. You know the present and the past plots are going to intertwine and overlap and it kept me reading to find out how and why.

In fact the whole story for this script was very dense. I nice change from some scripts on this site where they are just a short idea stretched to thin over a hundred pages.

Shaft compared to Dirty Harry. that is so funny but sooo Tarintino.

I wish Tucker would have popped a bullet in his brother Miles. Miles was an annoying little shit and a pain the arse. I did not enjoy his subplot at all. In fact It would have tightened the story up a lot more of that subplot was removed.

I noticed the conversation between Slick and Tucker than Miles and Tucker concerning women troubles where identical. Is that correct? did I read correctly? Was this deliberate or was I imagining things?

On page 72 when in the hospital and the boy needs bone marrow transplant. this is when I figured out the identity of the "the man" So you kept me guessing for 72 pages out of 114. That's pretty good.

The attack on reggie car was awesome. In true action style and for the audience entertainment it is a complete fuck up.

Sorry but I have nothing bad to say about script.

hey I noticed your Avatar and had to smile. The Good, The Bad and the Ugly is  a classic movie, one of my favourites.

But seeing that you are a Clint Eastwood fan I have to quickly run something past you.

One of my friends is a huge Clint Eastwood fan and he always saying how hollywood should make a prequel to Unforgiven but have Hugh Jackman play a young version of the Clint Eastwood character. What are your thoughts on that? Think it would work?



Posted by: TAnthony, August 12th, 2006, 3:26pm; Reply: 54
Wow! Thanks man! Your critique was awesome, but now sadly I have no idea where I want to take this story or if I need to re-write it. See if you can help me out...


Quoted from tonkatough
Oh so Tucker is the main hero of this story. It took me 24 pages to figure this out. I was so impressed with the man at the begining that I thought he was the main protagonist.


A lot of people read the first scene and think that he's the main character. I was sort of going for that in a way, because when there's a scene without Tucker Price I want the head of that scene to act like it's his movie, like he's the protagonist. Even though they're only supporting characters.


Quoted from tonkatough
Cassandra is my favourite character. She is very cool. very fem fatel or what ever the word is. I dig how she is a broad in a tough man's world and question and criticize it the only way a woman can.


I love that you use that word Femme Fatale, because what Loud and Nasty is is a retelling of old 50's Film-Noir with a modern twist. That's what I was going for.


Quoted from tonkatough
I wish Tucker would have popped a bullet in his brother Miles. Miles was an annoying little shit and a pain the arse. I did not enjoy his subplot at all. In fact It would have tightened the story up a lot more of that subplot was removed.


Oh man. Miles was like my favorite character in the entire story. lol. I'm actually not sure how to take this comment. Should I be happy, because you thought he was annoying and a pain in the ass, and I love it when I bring emotion out of the reader. Or should I be unhappy because you didn't enjoy his parts.


Quoted from tonkatough
I noticed the conversation between Slick and Tucker than Miles and Tucker concerning women troubles where identical. Is that correct? did I read correctly? Was this deliberate or was I imagining things?


Yes! You're the first person to see that. Tucker was pratically lambasting Slick for having emotions for a woman, and when Cassandra leaves Tucker he acts the same way Slick did. Cool.


Quoted from tonkatough
On page 72 when in the hospital and the boy needs bone marrow transplant. this is when I figured out the identity of the "the man" So you kept me guessing for 72 pages out of 114. That's pretty good.


Okay, this is my biggest problem with the script. I'm not sure what to do. Many people say the second Luther comes on screen they knew he was "The Man." I was gonna do a pretty big change in the script, but if you say you didn't know 'til 72, I'm not sure now. What do you think?


Quoted from tonkatough
hey I noticed your Avatar and had to smile. The Good, The Bad and the Ugly is  a classic movie, one of my favourites.


It's one of my favorites too, but that is from "Fistful of Dollars" the first installment of the man with no name series. "For a few dollars more" is the second. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly was the third. And High Plain's Drifter is the unofficial fourth.


Quoted from tonkatough
One of my friends is a huge Clint Eastwood fan and he always saying how hollywood should make a prequel to Unforgiven but have Hugh Jackman play a young version of the Clint Eastwood character. What are your thoughts on that? Think it would work?


Oh that is a great idea! That would be awesome! Tell your friend great thinking. But Hugh Jackman? You can slap him for that one. William Munney was supposed to be one bad dude when he was younger, but one thing that might not work with that is it might destroy the whole meaning of what Unforgiven is about. It's far from glorifying violence, and in a prequel all he would be doing is killing and kicking ass.

Still they could work that one out. Who would you have play William and who would you have play his friend Ned? (Morgan Freeman's role)

So thanks for your comments tonkatough!




Posted by: JaimeM, August 13th, 2006, 9:13am; Reply: 55
Hey there. Here are some of my comments on your script. I did like it all in all and thought it was very good.



Dialogue: Needs to be uncleaned up  :P Throw in some curses. Make them the bad asses that they are.

Flashbacks: More than 1/3 rd the movie was in flashback. I would cut them down dramatically. The flashbacks told a good story but that could have been its own script. And loud and nasty could have been the sequel. You used the flashbacks to flesh out the characters instead of doing that during the main story

The Man: I agee with some of the others, First time I met Luther on the screen I knew he was the Man.


Quoted Text
The ending of the story was great. Though I do feel like you could've made a larger explanation to Luther's suicide. All you've put is "Luther raises his gun to his head..." The a second later: "Luther kills himself". You could go into gory details, I know you did it earlier in the story but I don't mean seriously gory .


I agree with this persons quote. Maybe a bit more explanation before he shoots himself.

There were a few speeling mistakes etc.. but people had already pointed them out to you. ANyway. good job hope to see the final product one day on screen  ;)
Posted by: JD_OK, August 13th, 2006, 6:32pm; Reply: 56
Ok, now that I have read everyone's comments and I have read your script, I going to try and not restate some things that has been said, but i have PICKED UP FLAWS that no one has mentions before. I will get to those things first, then to minors. I pasted your work to final draft. so pages might be off.

MAJOR HOLES:
Pg3. "THE MAN
I'm looking for somebody. Somebody who did something pretty horrible to me back in the day. He keeps on moving around, but I think he'll be here for a while. I was gone for a while, but now I'm back."

Not this line was good, but after reading the story. THEY Are in the same city as when he left. ex. Tucker goes back Luthors house. they havent gone anywhere. So he is no stranger coming to this place.

pg. 5
For a split second and I mean for a quick millisecond the owner's eyes open wide. He knows who Tucker Price is and he's heard a thousand stories about him, but he quickly conceals his knowledge. He doesn't want to get involved in anyway with this man, but he didn't hide it quick enough.
OWNER
No. Nope, told ya. Doesn't ring a bell. No idea.

Now i understand if doesn't want to get involed" But Why does the owner feel he needs to lie ON AND ON, like he REALLY knows Tucker and has to cover for him. There is no reason to keep lyin. Then later you refer to the owner as "OLD MAN" in the bar, give him a name so it isnt confusing.  Like the man reads off his name tag.

Tucker and Luthor must kidnap reggie. They don't hide their Identities since they intend to pay back the 50k they owe with Tooth picks money.  And They Say Tucker's name infront of reggie, easily he could name him to his father, not counting that when the exchange is made Luthor  is among the 4 men. Doesn't make sense

75. "The other four men sit down in the background. Rocky bends down to Reggie's level.
ROCKY (CONT'D)
What's your father's number?
RICK
(stumbling the words)
7...62.. ext.

Why is rick giving the number? Did you mean reggie? Why do they need  reggie to give the number since this is pre planned? Should Tucker or luthor know the number since they work for tooth pick?

pg. 78

"TUCKER (CONT'D)
Can you do us this favor Slick?
SLICK
It's sounds like it's gonna be just about impossible to find this guy. You don't know anything about him. All you know is that he killed the fat guy.

How does Slick know this? It wasnt mentioned to him The the man killed zach.

Notorious gangster Tucker price. You harp about this so much, alil to much. and he doesn't live up to his rep. nor in flash backs. Why is it this big bad guy only have  4 or 5 peope that will do something for him. Any real ganster movie, they have dozens of cronie hit men to do things for them. Tucker has no connections to be that well feared.

Luthor wasnt suprise for me one bit. He was in the flash back and not around now. I knew when he was introduced.

I didnt by Luthor just stealing the money. This was out of character for me. He would ask for help before going to the extreme to take it from them. Especially since Tucker is his best friend.

p89.
MILES
Now what? We're in broad day light.

Wow, you have left or day and night all over the place. GET rid of LATER and Continous. Duh its later when u read whats going in after Scene heading.

p.93

VINCENT
Oh yeah, some chick saw two black guys try to load the bodies into the trunk of a big black car.

Wtf?Close to the end of the sotry and I find out that tucker and Miles are black? Granted Tucker price could be a black name, but HE doesnt ACT black or TALK black. Miles either. You need to say he is black when you first introduce him if you give their
race later in dialog.

pg. 104

PROSTITUTE
Yeah. Miles and his brother Tucker Price came in and shot the place up. Killed Pit Bull and his brother. John looks at Marvin.

She gives up that info way to easy. If Tucker is feared as you say, these guys with knife on, doesnt matter to what Tucker will do.

pg 104
SLICK
You said to call you if anything strange happened around town? Fat Boy's two men John and Marvin have been scouring the city looking for WHORES. I don't know what about. They're not too far from your house so if it's got any thing to do with you get out now.

TUCKER
Yeah already. Slick says his two boys John and Marvin have been searching the entire city for US.

Slick clearly said two men looking for whores. Tucker says looking for them....uhhhh

pg. 110
Kid ( jason) is so sick he was at the hospital 3 days ago, and not he is at home getting rushed out? Hello the kid still should be in hospital not at the house if be needs BONEMAROW transplant.

END of HOLES

Ending Anti- climatic. If i had paid to watch this movie, that would piss me off. You build up for big show down and it doesnt come. then it just ends. Where is the resolution? Tucker needs to say something about he wished he had died, cuz now life is painful, and it wants to being forgiving or somethin for everything.

On that note, Its just my opion and that is what u wanted to be harsh. I dont think this story is very marketable for feature film for movie screens. Direct dvd or made for tv feel.

Of course you have A R rated flick, and like other said you have no cussing, with throughs me off. I felt like it was more comical ganster movie for 1st half then serious.

You give a premise. "- Legendary gangster Tucker Price has a number of problems he has to deal with. Tucker's hands are already full dealing with a troublesome brother and unfaithful girl, but when partners of Tucker begin to mysteriously die Tucker has an uncanny feeling he might be next"

And it doesnt live up to it. Not one of his guys die til like page 56, hour into it. Mysteriously die? Since when does it become a mystery that someone took a bat and beat the hell out of someone? Plain murder. YOu dont even Say if SMOOTh actually gets Killed. You kill cass ( which tucker doesnt know) Then Smooth talks, then end of scene. and others gettin killed by Fat boy.

Which leads me to next comment. Luthor comes and saves him, if luthor plans on killing himself to make him feel guilty y doesnt he do it when he saves Tucker?  Tucker CONVIENTLY goes back to Luthors house for him to off himself. I didnt by it.

LITTLE THINGS

To many references to him being big time ganster. - We know this.

Good dialog but to much, like ex. When tucker comes home and talks to cass about miles. it was pointless, we didnt learn anything and it doesnt lead to any action. Ask you self in each scene if you took it out, will it affect the movie? In this scene doesnt help the story.

Harpingon Rick being crazy to much. I got it 1st 3 references.

page 47. slick needs V.O.

49. Slick - being Jacked is worse then being shot to death in bowling alley!? Come on now...

Slick - Keeps referring to He gil is PAST tense.  Ex. was. Like she is dead or something.
Ex. SLICK
This was a good one though. This WAS a good woman.

"She IS a good woman", if she isn't dead.

Then you use same lines with slick later with Tucker and miles convo about cass.

SLICK
I can't live without her Tuck. She was a good woman.
TUCKER
Oh c'mon listen to you. You sound pathetic.

TUCKER
I loved her Miles.
MILES
I know, I know you just got to forget about her.
TUCKER
I don't know if I can do that.
MILES
Oh listen to you, you sound pathetic.

Look familiar?

There are some Scene headings that need to be fixed and some V.O needs to be placed aswell.

Overall Good Foundation for the story. Needs work it make it excellent tho. Hope I wasnt harsh. Monolog from the man was kinda corner at parts, to long for himt o be talking to his self. Good one was the loud and nasty. Sounded just like marv from sin city.

I read it to help you cuz i would like you to do the same for me when my script gets posted here soon.
Posted by: TAnthony, August 13th, 2006, 10:44pm; Reply: 57
You brought up a few good points, but some of it I think you were way over analyzing. I answered the comments that made no since to me.


Quoted from JD_OK

MAJOR HOLES:
Pg3. "THE MAN
I'm looking for somebody. Somebody who did something pretty horrible to me back in the day. He keeps on moving around, but I think he'll be here for a while. I was gone for a while, but now I'm back.".

Not this line was good, but after reading the story. THEY Are in the same city as when he left. ex. Tucker goes back Luthors house. they havent gone anywhere. So he is no stranger coming to this place.


In an earlier draft I had Slick and Tucker traveling on the highway to Luther's house. They live in different cities. I didn't think that was neccessary to show the road trip.


Quoted from JD_OK

pg. 5
For a split second and I mean for a quick millisecond the owner's eyes open wide. He knows who Tucker Price is and he's heard a thousand stories about him, but he quickly conceals his knowledge. He doesn't want to get involved in anyway with this man, but he didn't hide it quick enough.
OWNER
No. Nope, told ya. Doesn't ring a bell. No idea.

Now i understand if doesn't want to get involed" But Why does the owner feel he needs to lie ON AND ON, like he REALLY knows Tucker and has to cover for him. There is no reason to keep lyin.


The owner doesn't believe that there's any way The Man could tell he was lying. So why not? Why help some stranger in any way that says he's going to kill someone. Unluckily for the owner The Man could tell he was lying through his eyes.


Quoted from JD_OK

pg. 78

"TUCKER (CONT'D)
Can you do us this favor Slick?
SLICK
It's sounds like it's gonna be just about impossible to find this guy. You don't know anything about him. All you know is that he killed the fat guy.

How does Slick know this? It wasnt mentioned to him The the man killed zach.


Once again in an early draft this scene was longer and the two explained everything to Slick. Instead of doing that I just cut to the very end of the scene so the audience wouldn't have to listen to re-iteration of everything that happened. You should be able to piece together that they told Slick this.


Quoted from JD_OK

Notorious gangster Tucker price. You harp about this so much, alil to much. and he doesn't live up to his rep. nor in flash backs. Why is it this big bad guy only have  4 or 5 peope that will do something for him. Any real ganster movie, they have dozens of cronie hit men to do things for them. Tucker has no connections to be that well feared.


Many times with many different characters it is said that when you really get to know Tucker he isn't as tough as people make him out to be. If you reviewed an earlier draft this would make since, but in this one that issue is taken care of. To answer your second question Tucker isn't a mob boss, he's a gangster that rolls with a single crew. He's not Don Corleone, he's not the head of the mob. He's more of a Carlito from Carlito's Way. And word can spread just as far even from gangster's like that.


Quoted from JD_OK

I didnt by Luthor just stealing the money. This was out of character for me. He would ask for help before going to the extreme to take it from them. Especially since Tucker is his best friend.


I thought you would have seen why in the end. Luther knew Tucker didn't care about him more than the money. Tucker would have suspected Luther taking the money. That's why Luther had to keep his mouth shut and make a run for it.


Quoted from JD_OK

p.93

VINCENT
Oh yeah, some chick saw two black guys try to load the bodies into the trunk of a big black car.

Wtf?Close to the end of the sotry and I find out that tucker and Miles are black? Granted Tucker price could be a black name, but HE doesnt ACT black or TALK black. Miles either. You need to say he is black when you first introduce him if you give their
race later in dialog...


You have know idea how much this statement pisses me off, no idea. How do you think black people talk? They all talk the same? You've just thrown the biggest stereotypical blanket over the entire race. I think I might know how black people talk, since I am a black person.


Quoted from JD_OK

pg 104
SLICK
You said to call you if anything strange happened around town? Fat Boy's two men John and Marvin have been scouring the city looking for WHORES. I don't know what about. They're not too far from your house so if it's got any thing to do with you get out now.

TUCKER
Yeah already. Slick says his two boys John and Marvin have been searching the entire city for US.

Slick clearly said two men looking for whores. Tucker says looking for them....uhhhh...


Tucker is smart enough to automatically link up the fact that if John and Marvin are looking for whores, then that must mean they're on to them.


Quoted from JD_OK

pg. 110
Kid ( jason) is so sick he was at the hospital 3 days ago, and not he is at home getting rushed out? Hello the kid still should be in hospital not at the house if be needs BONEMAROW transplant....


Luther has to leave the city. If he stays he knows Tucker will kill him. So Luther has to take his son out of the LOCAL hospital and out of the city. He can't leave his son in the hospital and make a run for it. Tucker could find the kid and use it against him.


Quoted from JD_OK

Ending Anti- climatic. If i had paid to watch this movie, that would piss me off. You build up for big show down and it doesnt come. then it just ends. Where is the resolution? Tucker needs to say something about he wished he had died, cuz now life is painful, and it wants to being forgiving or somethin for everything.....


The last thing I want is a showdown. That would destroy the whole story for me. Luther never really wanted to kill Tucker. Tucker says in the story "he wants me to die his way." I guess that wasn't enough for you to understand, but fortunately I restate it in the latest draft.


Quoted from JD_OK

You give a premise. "- Legendary gangster Tucker Price has a number of problems he has to deal with. Tucker's hands are already full dealing with a troublesome brother and unfaithful girl, but when partners of Tucker begin to mysteriously die Tucker has an uncanny feeling he might be next"

And it doesnt live up to it. Not one of his guys die til like page 56, hour into it. Mysteriously die? Since when does it become a mystery that someone took a bat and beat the hell out of someone? Plain murder. YOu dont even Say if SMOOTh actually gets Killed. You kill cass ( which tucker doesnt know) Then Smooth talks, then end of scene. and others gettin killed by Fat boy.


You're right I really do need to change that log line.


Quoted from JD_OK

Which leads me to next comment. Luthor comes and saves him, if luthor plans on killing himself to make him feel guilty y doesnt he do it when he saves Tucker?  Tucker CONVIENTLY goes back to Luthors house for him to off himself. I didnt by it.


It wasn't Luther's intention to have Tucker see him kill himself. Tucker knew where he'd be and he went expecting a showdown. Luther didn't know Tucker would be coming.


Quoted from JD_OK

To many references to him being big time ganster. - We know this.

Good dialog but to much, like ex. When tucker comes home and talks to cass about miles. it was pointless, we didnt learn anything and it doesnt lead to any action. Ask you self in each scene if you took it out, will it affect the movie? In this scene doesnt help the story.


There's three refrences to him being a big time gangster the entire script.

That scene that you say has no meaning tells Cassandra's loathing for Miles, her unhealthy need for money, and shows her struggling relationship with the main character. All things I have to show.


Quoted from JD_OK

49. Slick - being Jacked is worse then being shot to death in bowling alley!? Come on now.


Slick says "he would've been all jacked up" this doesn't mean he's going to rob him this means he's going to fuck him up.


Quoted from JD_OK

you use same lines with slick later with Tucker and miles convo about cass.

SLICK
I can't live without her Tuck. She was a good woman.
TUCKER
Oh c'mon listen to you. You sound pathetic.

TUCKER
I loved her Miles.
MILES
I know, I know you just got to forget about her.
TUCKER
I don't know if I can do that.
MILES
Oh listen to you, you sound pathetic.

Look familiar?....


Yes it does look familiar, because I did it on purpose. I wanted Tucker to make fun of Slick for having emotions for a woman that leaves him, and then later on in the story when it happens to him he acts the same way.

Thanks for comments.

Posted by: JD_OK, August 14th, 2006, 12:58am; Reply: 58
Hey man I didnt write that to piss you off. I am black too. You keep refferring to earlier draft.  I have read what is posted, so if there are hole there becuz you took things out. Then it still a hole that some simple dialog could fix. Yea I over analize because wht do you think a agent or producer will do, dig into every aspect of the story. You shouldn't need to back things up by telling me y its there. I should be able to read it on the script for you to reference me back to.

THE MAN
This man, he's sort of a legend. Everybody in this city's scared of him. Everybody's always talking about him, and telling stories about him.

ROCKY
Now c'mon Tucker you're supposed to be the notorious gangster. People are supposed to be scared of you.

CASSANDRA
For such a cold-blooded, legendary, notorious, gangster you sure are a punk.

MILES
notorious killer you are a punk! How did you get that reputation?

JOHN
He's a legend man.

those are the ones i could remember.

SLICK
But I don't care! I do not care! So I take out my nine and blow that dudes brains out all over the place man. He's lucky I wasn't upset... or... or he would've been jacked.

That doesnt make sense. That what I was getting out.

"The last thing I want is a showdown. That would destroy the whole story for me"

Remember you are writing for a audience and what they want. Just a thought.

Look Im not jocking your script in anyway, just showing you what I see. I give you propz for being able to finish a script. I hope my comments don't discourage you from looking at my screen play.
Posted by: TAnthony, August 14th, 2006, 1:25am; Reply: 59
When I was referring to earlier drafts I was saying that the exposition was in there. When I checked the script again I realized that it wasn't needed so I took it out.

If you look at some of your comments and really think about them I think that you can solve some of those questions yourself.

Sometimes I believe the audience can piece together those real small things. They are definetly not major plot holes.

Your comments were useful, and I'll return the favor.
Posted by: JD_OK, August 14th, 2006, 3:05am; Reply: 60
Well I did fail to mention the positives about the script.

I like Leonard and Frizzy, there were convincing charactters.

I like rocky and the convo between him and zach after killing sam. Ws lil to long but good.
I like the flash back story behind the story.

Cass was classic shitty girl friend...well portrayed.

Opening scene was good attention grabber made m wanna read on.

I like the off the wall dialog here and there. made it seem real for me.

I do give you respect from restraining curse words from your movie.

I liked slicks character in general. He is needed, kinda like cameo type of roll.

Oveall a decent story my friend. Good work.
Posted by: Steve-Dave, August 18th, 2006, 11:21pm; Reply: 61
Read a little past the first half so far. I should have the rest done by the end of the weekend. Sorry, I'm a slow reader. Here's what I got so far.

pg 5 - In action you put  "for a millisecond, and i mean for a quick millisecond" - sounds like you're telling the story through the description here. One millisecond will do just fine.

I've also noticed you do that a lot throughout the script. In both your dialogue and your description, you tend to repeat things a lot. Try to fix that, because especially when it comes to characters, when they're repeating their lines alot, it tends to make them all sound aloke and not have their own personalities, you know?

pg 5. For a split second and I mean for a quick millisecond the
owner's eyes open wide. He knows who Tucker Price is and
he's heard a thousand stories about him, but he quickly
conceals his knowledge.

- From the same paragraph, we wouldn't know that he's heard a thousand stories, just mention that he knows the name.

There's also dialogue and description like...

pg6  Look, I should probably warn you
right now. I don't and I mean do
not like it when people lie to me.
I don't like it when people look me
right in the face and lie to me.
It's got to be the ultimate form of
disrespect. Now I'm gonna ask you
again. Did... you... lie?

...Where you could combine dialogue to condense. By just putting one line, "I don't and I mean do not like it when people look me right in the face and lie to me". It combines two sentences and shortens it, and you don't have to repeat yourself all the time.

And in case it comes off this way, I'm not trying to sound like an @$$hole or high and mighty with these comments. Your styles actually a lot like mine used to be, and I have become more wise to and have tried to fix these same problems in my re-writes now. Like repeating myself, and rambling in dialogue, etc. Just trying to make you aware of the same things.


pg 7 - I think shooting the guy and killing him is a little over the top right off the bat. I think shooting the phone and having the guy look back at the man would be better.

I liked the twins names

pg 7 - capitolize MAN when introduced and what purpose does the man serve, really? I think there should be more opportunity here for Tucker's character development. Maybe he gets into a deeper argument with the man, or helps the man's situation or something. otherwise I think it could be lost.

Frizzy's awesome

Argument on pg 15 could be taken out I think. It's somewhat amusing, but don't think a person would be that unsure about where they shot someone, or be just standing around arguing about it after they just shot someone. I think it would be more effective if they shot him, unbeknownst to Tucker, and then all just hauled ass in the car and took off and had their conversation in the car.

p 18 - In the car I think Tucker saying "I don't like surprises" shold be taken out. Leonard already said that.

Pg 18 - I think in Tucker's last piece of dialogue before the flashback, after he says the line "Maybe I'm starting to change" the rest of the dialogue should be (V.O.) in Tucker's head thinking going into the flashback

pg 18 - In the flashback, there should be some Action between V.O. and going into the actual dialogue of the moment in the warehouse.

top pg 20 - typo: "They have us walk all (THEY) way down here."

Not a big deal, but Vic Vega's (Mr. Blonde's) nickname in Reservoir dogs was toothpick Vic. It doesn't really matter, but I like knowing if something I've come up with has been in any other movies because I usually end up changing it. Just lettin' you know incase you haven't seen reservoir dogs.

Describe Luther a little more.

pg 25 - ramble
MILES
(phony)
Oh now c'mon! Why you gotta act
like that? Like a child! I've been
sitting out here in the cold waiting
for you to come home, and that's all
you got to say to me is what do you
want? What kind of a way is that to
treat your own brother man? I wanted
to say HI! What? Is that a shocker?
Your own brother just wanting to say
HI! I don't want nothing! I just
wanted to see how my older brother
was doing! You know how it is.

- dialogue like this runs rampant throughout. You could easily cut at least the last three lines of dialogue easy, and condense the idea more. Because it comes off as rambling. When you write, think of how long it would take to get through this segment of dialogue.

wrist breaking ruins momentum I think. He had to go to the hopsital, get it checked out, get the cast, and then see his boss???? I think a quicker cut just going from the thugs shooting at them to the scene talking to toothpick would suffice.

The way Tucker talks to cassandra makes it seem like he helped plan Sammy's death. I thought he didn't know about it???

pg 48 - "you know what time it is", they've said that a bunch already. Maybe change it to something more like " why'd you bring me here at this time of night"

Capitolize Slick when you introduce him.

pg 51 - How old is the man's son and wife?

pg 55 - tucker wouldn't break his phone in his car I don't think.

Did a good job with the scene where he was going to kill Smooth, and Miles on one side telling him he's soft and Cassandra on the other.

I also liked the scene with Miles and Pit bull. Well constructed.

I think majorly, that you should combine Tucker's two different flashbacks into just one large one. Time would be confusing if it were to be shot between present and past. It also would seem more like Tucker was telling a storyat that point, instead of just popping in voice overs randomly.

I like the story so far though. Just some problems with the dialogue and description style, and the structure, but the story is there, and it keeps me interested.
Posted by: Steve-Dave, August 20th, 2006, 8:04am; Reply: 62
Finished, here's the rest.

I liked the line where Tucker said cassandra was "some actress".

I thought it was cool how Tucker and Miles' conversation about loving Cassandra resembled Tucker and slick's conversation.

The scene where rocky and tucker talk to slick while he's watching tv was pretty funny.

I don't see much point in hiding pit bull's and reese's bodies if the hookers can id them anyways. It seems more like something Miles would say rather than Tucker.

bottom pg 94 - I like when fat boy says he don't know why they ran over his head.lol. But think that his saying I don't care if you've gotta search the entire state, country, world...etc. is a little too marcellus wallace. I'd just cut the last four lines and leave it.

ethnicities I was confused about. I didn't know tucker and Miles were black until they killed pit bull, and then john and marvin said they were two blacks, so are fat boy and marvin and john white? or what? I think ethnicities should be mentioned for a better picture, as races come into play in the script.

I liked the finger slicing

doing all the killing of Miles and Rocky I thought wasn't really believeable doing it in the street, in Tucker's house. I think they'd take them to a safer location away from witnesses.

How come we're never able to recognize Luther??? Is his head supposed to be always turned away or did I miss something?

I wasn't too crazy about the ending. I think the climax should just be after Luther and Tucker's first confrontation, and Luther just leaves him alive, to live with no one. Instead of his suicide in Tucker's house.

The flashbacks, there are five I believe all together, I think the first two should be combined, and the next two should be combined. I think that would make the pacing a little better.

Story builds up nicely. Gets more interesting as it goes on.

In conclusion, I think this is flawed in some parts, but still a really good read. I liked the characters a lot, and the vibe that comes off of it. You also did had a couple of really well constructed scenes. I think you could Cut down at least 4-10 pages off and polish up the writing al ittle more and it could be a lot better. A very nice effort. Good job.
Posted by: TAnthony, August 21st, 2006, 6:20pm; Reply: 63
Thanks for your comments Sryknows. You hit on a lot of topics that hadn't been mentioned yet. I do tend to ramble a lot, and I need to cut down on those action lines.

I'm planning on checking out one of yours pretty soon, just to let you know.

Thanks a lot!
Posted by: JD_OK, August 22nd, 2006, 10:04pm; Reply: 64
Posted by: lawrence gilliam, December 28th, 2006, 2:41pm; Reply: 65
8)This script was preety good I loved the action I just found in the dialogue you were missing a few words and you could have said some lines cleaner. It is a little long and if you read it a couple more times you can shorten it a bit. There was a killing that realy didn't make any sense in the beginning why did the stranger kill the waitress he could have just hit the phone like he did she would not had used it, that's an example of a little to much , but i loved the script i can visualize a movie.
Posted by: TAnthony, December 29th, 2006, 1:07am; Reply: 66
Thanks for the reply Lawrence Gilliam. I see what you mean about the waitress, probably is a bit much and I'll try to fix up those dialogue passages.

Thanks again.
Posted by: lawrence gilliam, December 29th, 2006, 11:27am; Reply: 67
it was just fine the amount of pages
Posted by: chism, December 30th, 2006, 12:03am; Reply: 68
TAnthony,

Here's my review of Down and Dirty:

At the 12 page mark I'm just not into it. There are several reasons for this. A), things seem to be happening very quickly. The conversations between Desmond and Cooper sound forced and unrealistic. Cooper doesn't have a strong enough motivation to just let Desmond into his house, at least he didn't for me. I suppose my main problem is I just don't like these people. They're violent, stupid criminals and I'm not really enjoying spending any time with them. Also, you're cutting here, there and everywhere. You're not spending any time establishing tone or mood and that is very frustrating as a reader.

Same thing with the torture of Joey. It's violent, brutal and sadistic, which is everything you want in a good torture scene, but there is no context. We don't know who Joey is or why Slick and Hector are torturing him, which makes the scene useless, boring and uninteresting. There was no precursor, there was no introduction of Joey or his conflict with Slick and Hector. It comes out of nowhere and adds nothing to the overall opening of the film. Also, referencing Reservoir Dogs was not a good idea. If you're trying to do a good torture scene, then it's prbably best not to mention a really good one that you have no chance of matching. The torture scene could have been good, if it were eighty or ninety pages into the script.

Also, the women in this script I don't think are fairly represented. Penelope came off as very annoying and nagging and stupid, very cliched and unfair representations of females. If you've read some of my other reviews, then you'll know that this is an issue I feel very strongly about. Vicky just came off as a bitch. I liked her even less than the guys. There were some good scenes in this however. I liked Penelope's resurrection of Hector by the river. I like scenes like that. Here, you downplayed the drama of the situation and gave us a nice little moment. I really enjoyed that and it was a welcome break from the other scenes.

This review has already gone on for far too long so I'm going to make a few final comments here. This is not the worst script I've read on the site. But it's definitely not the best. I think you're formatting was really good and the script itself is written about as well as one of these scripts could be written. I also liked the little surprise at the end with the woman and Tommy. But sporatically good scenes aren't enough to redeem it.

In closing, TAnthony, I didn't enjoy this script at all. You've given us 104 pages of characters that are vicious, coniving, sadistic and violent. These people don't need a story about them, they need therapy.  Or possibly prison. A really good movie is Cruel Intentions, and that had a character named Kathryn who was also scheming, twisted, sick, sadistic and vicious. What made that movie work so well is the fact that in the end, Kathryn got what she deserved. In that instance, I enjoyed her schemes and her evil way of thinking. Here I did not. I'm not trying to offend you and I apologise several times over if that is what I've done, I am simply of the opinion that this is not a very good script.


Cheers, Chismeister.
Posted by: TAnthony, December 30th, 2006, 2:00am; Reply: 69
Wow that was fast thanks.


Quoted from chism
I suppose my main problem is I just don't like these people. They're violent, stupid criminals and I'm not really enjoying spending any time with them.


Yes I think this is probably my biggest problem. I'll have to work on this.


Quoted from chism
We don't know who Joey is or why Slick and Hector are torturing him, which makes the scene useless, boring and uninteresting. There was no precursor, there was no introduction of Joey or his conflict with Slick and Hector.


I kind of understand what you're saying here, but the script answers all of these questions. You find out who Joey is and why Slick tortures him.


Quoted from chism
Also, the women in this script I don't think are fairly represented. Penelope came off as very annoying and nagging and stupid, very cliched and unfair representations of females. If you've read some of my other reviews, then you'll know that this is an issue I feel very strongly about. Vicky just came off as a bitch. I liked her even less than the guys.


This is one thing that I really don't understand. How was Penelope an unfair representation of women? Just because it turned out she tricked Hector? She was putting on that act the whole time to set-up him up. I kind of see what you're saying about Vicky, but could you elaborate on this some more?

Thanks for the review.

Posted by: medstudent, January 16th, 2007, 1:04am; Reply: 70
TAnthony,
Just letting you know that I am reading this and will post a review within the next few days. Just got busy is all. Sorry it's taking so long.

Joseph
Posted by: TAnthony, January 16th, 2007, 10:36pm; Reply: 71

Quoted from medstudent
TAnthony,
Just letting you know that I am reading this and will post a review within the next few days. Just got busy is all. Sorry it's taking so long.

Joseph


Yeah I'm actually guilty of the same thing with your script. I started yours and I'm almost finished so expect a review soon. Thanks!
Posted by: medstudent, January 21st, 2007, 12:44pm; Reply: 72
Tanthony,
Sorry for taking so long on a reply. Anyways, I finally finished it.

PRO's: What a great story! Much better(in my opinion) than Down and Dirty. Plot, subplots, characters, the way everything developed worked superbly. Very impressed.

I like the fact that a majority of your characters are black. I don't know. For me, it adds a greater level of originality to the story. A small thing but at the same time a significant one. A particular of this script that would attract many producers/actors.

While reading, I thought that the early flashbacks didn't work well. But added together they wove into the story nicely. Good job with these.

The idea that a bad-ass gangster is going "soft" is a great concept. I think you should work this angle a little more. it would give the character and the story another level of sophistication.

You characters and each one's individual drama going on worked great. Your characters are fleshed out giving each paper character a real and lively personality while reading. It wasn't difficult following your characters because each had his/her own style when speaking/with action, etc. Typically, in a screenplay with so many characters, I find it difficult following and remembering each one's role. I find myself flipping back pages to remind me. I didn't have to do that with your script.

One thing I had doubts about was with the ordering of the scenes. As I read, I felt some scenes should have been moved around to better move the story along...make it flow more nicely. Not taken out just reorganized. I lost that feeling as I read, though. The story seemed to work itself out and the loose ends tied themselves up nicely.

CON'S

Okay, this is difficult. I know you take pride in your dialogue. I can tell because in most areas it is witty, clever and original. This is where the problem lies..you overuse this witty dialogue to the point where everyone in your screenplay has the same wit. I've never met as many people in real life with the wit and snappy dialogue as your character's have.

You need to trim down the dialogue as a whole. There as some instances in your screenplay where a physical gesture or response would have worked more effectively than a verbal response. Also, some of the dialogue was clumsy and seemed forced. this is kind of ironic because I also see your dialogue as being one of the strong points of this script. You mustn't overuse it. If you reworked this clumsy un-needed dialogue and got rid of what you didn't need this would be a winner.

Things as I read:

Great opening! Dialogue here seems a little rough and forced. Re-work it.

pg12: "heroine" should be "heroin"

You dialogue is interesting. In places it's fantastic and in others it seems forced unrealistic. In these places the dialogue could be cut entirely and the scene would stand on its own.

pg17: The dialogue after they see the car should be cut.

pg20: Why wouldn't Luther have just killed  the guy immediately?

Luther and Tucker wouldn't have let them get away with the back packs, would they?

pg28: CASSANDRA: "You killed slim."
But Tucker didn't kill slim. Why'd he take responsibility?

pg34: Why'd Rocky and his brother agree to help Tucker so easily?

pg44: Why does Tucker suddenly begin narrating?

You can't have everyone talkers. It gets annoying listening to everyone come back with one-liners, uneccessary dialogue, etc.

pg48: Why'd he drop the gun on the florr? Have him take it back to the bed with him. Play with it, look at it while laying there.

STRANGER: "Tucker Price." ***Cut the rest of what you have. It's too much.***

pg49: Great flashback scene with voice over.

pg56: Great scene!

This is one grammer problem that has bugged me up til now. When someone is taking to someone else and they refer to that person by name. Whether it be "Boy", "Doll", "Baby", "Tucker", etc... You need to put a comma before or after the person's name.

"Give me the steak, boy!"  or "Tucker, you're a badass!"

It may seem insignificant but these little fixes make your screenplay look polished.

Pg61: It seems like the story begins here. Why wait so long to set it up?

Pg63: You refer to "Rick" as "Rocky".

Pg69: This flashback scene seems out of place here.

If these guys are in bulletproof cars and they get attacked, why do they stop and get out of the safest place for them, only to be killed? Take such a risk?

pg71: Spoken numbers in dialogue should be spelled out completely. 8="eight", etc.

pg75: Is it "charles" or "Charlie"?

pg81: Tucker goes with his brother, helps him out too many times too easily. Give a little history on the two giving a reason for Tucker to bail his brother out so easily. I know this reasoning all too well. I have a brother just like Miles.

pg84: Break up this page of dialogue with small action lines. "Turns head.", "Rubs face." Without this your characters feel like talking head here. Reactionless. This is another technique that polishes your screenplay.

pg94: Boy, Cassandra's not nice to anyone. Not even her new boyfriend!

Great scene at the gas station!

pg105: I don't think Tucker's initial verbal reaction after seeing his brother's head blown off would be, "Rich?"

Why'd Luther leave Tucker alive?

Oh, I see...

What an ending!

Maybe have a short scene with Tucker saying goodby to his last friend. Maybe with his car packed with his belongings?

Okay, TAnthony, hope this helps and was worth waiting for.

Joseph
Posted by: TAnthony, January 21st, 2007, 5:28pm; Reply: 73

Quoted from medstudent
Tanthony,
Sorry for taking so long on a reply. Anyways, I finally finished it.


I was late too, so it's all good.


Quoted from medstudent
While reading, I thought that the early flashbacks didn't work well. But added together they wove into the story nicely. Good job with these.


So you do think the early flashbacks worked out after all?


Quoted from medstudent
You need to trim down the dialogue as a whole. There as some instances in your screenplay where a physical gesture or response would have worked more effectively than a verbal response. Also, some of the dialogue was clumsy and seemed forced.


Yes, I really need to cut down the dialogue.


Quoted from medstudent
pg28: CASSANDRA: "You killed slim."
But Tucker didn't kill slim. Why'd he take responsibility?


Tucker felt that since he in a way let it happen, that he was respnosible. I'll reword that.


Quoted from medstudent
pg44: Why does Tucker suddenly begin narrating?


What do you mean? That wasn't the first time Tucker narrated.


Quoted from medstudent
Pg61: It seems like the story begins here. Why wait so long to set it up?


Yeah I guess you're right. Is that what you mean scene order?


Quoted from medstudent
Pg69: This flashback scene seems out of place here.


I can't find a flashback on that page??


Quoted from medstudent
If these guys are in bulletproof cars and they get attacked, why do they stop and get out of the safest place for them, only to be killed? Take such a risk?


Good point.


Quoted from medstudent
pg75: Is it "charles" or "Charlie"?


I didn't think it mattered, either one.


Quoted from medstudent
pg81: Tucker goes with his brother, helps him out too many times too easily. Give a little history on the two giving a reason for Tucker to bail his brother out so easily. I know this reasoning all too well. I have a brother just like Miles.


Yeah I used to have some dialogue in there explaining all of Tucker's previous actions to bail his brother out. Maybe I'll put that back in there.


Quoted from medstudent
pg105: I don't think Tucker's initial verbal reaction after seeing his brother's head blown off would be, "Rich?"


Oh wow. lol. I should have seriously caught that.

Thanks medstudent! Very helpful, once again.
Posted by: medstudent, January 21st, 2007, 9:25pm; Reply: 74
Tanthony,
You know the best thing about this story is that the scenes can be moved around in a non-linear fashion and still be made to work. For one, I think the real motive of the story(around page 60) should be set-up earlier. Because this is the thrust of the story. Also, with the flashbacks, start them earlier. Because your movie is based on one long flashback sequence I think you should deliver this sooner. I wasn't prepared for it while reading and it kind of disrupted the flow of the story reading it midway. You know what I would do is write each scene on a note card and lay them out where your can visualize them. Move them around until you can see the movie as it should be. It's there. I think it could be set up(scene-wise) much better. This is a darn good story. Don't sit on it and let it stand where it is. If you put a little work into these things it would be much, much better. It won't take much, if any rewriting just some re-adjusting the scenes... the set up. You have a movie here. Just study it a bit and you'll find what I'm talking about.

Joseph
Posted by: JD_OK, January 26th, 2007, 6:59am; Reply: 75
I like that you took out all the INGS here an no IS or ArE sentences taking place so far, great job!

pg 4No needs to write "but the stranger says something else. The order of events occur when you write. So not needs to write that when oviously he speaks right after he turns around.

Since I have already read this  im geting to net pick even deeper then b4. pg 5. "This tells him everything he needs to know" this is a book 'tell', this sentence can not be filmed, show us what he does to indicate this reaction.

try to remove all your 'is' and 'are' words and replace with attractive VERBS.

more to come! im very tired and heading to bed.... its 4am here
Posted by: blackwrite, January 29th, 2007, 3:05pm; Reply: 76
I think anyone who likes professional wrestling would love this, which means a whole lot of Hulkamaniacs would pay to see it.

The opening kept me at the edge of my seat, but when the Stranger beat down the owner, I begin losing interest.  The violence didn't seem to have a point.

Then again, I'm 48 years old and I have to think this is far better than anything I could have written 20 years ago.  And I got into the scene. I felt I was sitting in the restaurant. I could see the movie playing before my eyes, but I could also see myself saying "Ah, this is just going to be another head banger, and it started out so good too."

I quit after 10 pages so my review isn't really fair to the piece.


ricland
Posted by: TAnthony, January 29th, 2007, 11:02pm; Reply: 77
Sorry you didn't like it blackwrite. Are you suggesting that I should tone down the violence in the opening scene?

Thanks.
Posted by: blackwrite, January 30th, 2007, 2:28am; Reply: 78
I'm suggesting that the violence didn't fit. Even extreme violence should be cause and effect.  The owner should have been an asshole, then I would have understood the violence of the stranger. But even here, beating him down to the floor was unecessay to show us what you wanted to show about the stranger. The stranger could have simply bitch smacked him, and we would have got the message that the stranger was a bad dude.

Psycho bad dudes who just beat people down for no reason are not interesting. It's the reasonable bad dude who resorts to extreme violence for a reason that are interesting. I saw no reason for the beat down so lost interest in the character .... and the movie.



ricland
Posted by: ericdickson, March 24th, 2007, 2:51pm; Reply: 79
Tyler,

I just finished Loud and Nasty.  The good news is you definitely have a gift for colorful description and action.  I've noticed over the years that screenwriters, especially beginning writers, fall into one of two catagories.  They are either excellent at action and description, or wizards of dialogue who suffer when it comes to bulky action.  I usually suffer from the latter, but I'm working on this.    
After reading Loud and Nasty, it is obvious to me that your strongpoints are in your descriptions.  

I felt the script was easy to follow and a fast read.  I could definitely get into the world you were trying to create and "SEE" what you were describing on page.  It's the dialogue that I had some trouble with.  

"Hey, man!  Give me my money or I'll kill you!"

...or some variation of that, pretty much sums up most of the dialogue in this story.  Most of the time, we're going place to place, visiting various hard ass gangsters who spout off stuff like...

"Give me my money, bitch or I'll blast your ass!"

...which made most of the characters seem like nothing more than reflections of each other.  Everyone's a drug dealer and everyone's double-crossing each other or getting revenge.  It's because of this that I found the story itself hard to follow.  I just could never get into "the story" and had no desire to keep reading, because I could never find a real story there.    

Tucker's struggling with his conscience about killing people for no good reason was a great idea, but his dialogue never seemed quite up to the job or was all that funny, as it could have been given the circumstances.  This story reminded me of a script I read for Outlaw Productions called "Joe's Last Chance" by Andrew Bergmann about a hitman who has an attack of conscience.  This script was loaded with gags about his past victims and how he just doesn't quite "enjoy it" anymore.  The Whole Nine Yards movies also did this well.  A story like this should either be full of these "gags" much like comedy thrillers like "Fletch" (also by Bergmann), Jackie Brown, Pulp Fiction  and "Smokin' Aces", or should be an out-right comedy.  Most of the story has to do with killing people, threatening to kill people, holding people ransom, etc.  There are only spots here and there that seem to be slapstick comedy.  But what is this?  Are you doing a comedy, an action film?  You have to pick one...or make sure there is an even balance of each.  Fletch was great at this.  Very funny throughout, not just in places, but also a great detective story.  Jackie Brown and Out of Sight were funny because of the diverse variety of colorful characters and the stupid situations they got themselves in.              

My favorite part of this script was FRIZZY.  I thought the scene where he answered the door for Leonard was pretty funny and gave us some insight about what the movie was going to be like, but, unfortunately, never really developed into anything quite as funny as that scene.  I can see reflections of Elmore Leanord and Quentin Tarantino in your dialogue that could be very funny and witty, but needs a lot of work to stand up next to these names.  There's lots of "ha ha" dialogue in here concerning Tucker, but just isn't that funny or as interesting as it could be.  My suggestion to you is do some serious re-writes and make it as funny as possible and you've got yourself something to work with.

Thanks,
Eric            

Posted by: JD_OK, March 25th, 2007, 4:09pm; Reply: 80
I dunno where TA is, but this isnt meant for a comedy. but I could see where he could take it into a spoof. Yet it does serve as well action movie with some funny things.

I havent re read this in awhile, but rewrites is just part of making your story better and better.
Posted by: TAnthony, March 26th, 2007, 12:23am; Reply: 81
Thanks for the read Dickson.


Quoted from ericdickson

There's lots of "ha ha" dialogue in here concerning Tucker, but just isn't that funny or as interesting as it could be.  My suggestion to you is do some serious re-writes and make it as funny as possible and you've got yourself something to work with.            


I must have really messed up on the dialogue, because I really was not trying to make this that funny. I wanted their to be funny moments, but I was attempting to make an action script.

I'm just now seriously re-writing this so hopefully I can turn this script around.

I'm almost finished with Night of the Red Phantom and I'm liking it.

Thanks again!
Posted by: Scoob, April 19th, 2007, 6:19pm; Reply: 82
Hi Tyler,

Here are some comments that I wrote down whilst reviewing your script. I hope they help you in some way.
I see you have quite a few reviews already so I apologize in advance if I bring up anything that has already been mentioned.

P1: Regarding the Stranger's scar - too much information. I dont know what incident he has been involved in so the whole sentence you wrote here is pointless and irrelevant.

The diner scene I think could be trimmed down. When you are telling us that the customers seem disturbed by the strangers scar you write too much I feel. I think you could put it in one sentence instead of a chunk - The customers quietly mock the Stranger's scar, or the whole place goes quiet...something simple like that might give you more space and room later on. ( I have a habit of doing the same thing by the way!)

P2: First lines - Again, too much detail. You can narrow this down with something like the owner makes little contact with him - that pretty much says all that needs to be said.

When the Stranger eats his pie at the bottom of the page: This seems too much info - I mean we dont need to know how he eats, you have described that clearly enough when you tell us he is devouring it. Same with the coffee - simplify it: He eats his pie, finishes and sips his coffee.

P3: Good interesting dialouge, albeit quite amusing, between the stranger and the owner.

P6: Bottom of the page - When the stranger shoots the waitress and knocks her off her feet. I presume she is dead but be more to the point. Might be nitpicking here but I think you just need to write shoots her dead, thats it.

P7: Samuels description is too detailed. If he is naive, then we will have to find this out in the story. You cant write what we cant see. I have done this myself, its more storytelling then script writing.

P13: Ext - Apartment Complex
Without knowing what Samuel is saying, it is hard to know why he is annoying. Im seeing that this storytelling way of writing you are using is looking like being a continuous thing so I will try not to bring it up again, but I think you need to rewrite a few scenes early on here and use minimal descriptions. Certainly cut a few lines out.
Apart from this, your format is spot on and your writing is good so lets see where the story goes from here.

P17: Some of the dialouge sounds a little off. One person says one thing; then the other repeats it in question, the person states it again. Or so it seems. I noticed this before when Samuel was shot. The dialouge in that scene seems acceptable as it came across humourus; almost Pulp Fiction-ish. It just sounds repetitive here and a waste of space.

P21: Toothpick might need more of a description.

P25: The dialouge between Tucker and Cassandra is good, quick and amusing. It's the best part of the script so far for me.

P29: Im thinking if you condensed the whole 3 pages of Cassandra and Tucker's conversation it might help. If you get to the point quicker - which I think is Cassandra telling Tucker what she thinks of him. Its good as it is but I think it would be better to minimize their conversations about what we have already seen.

P32: I thought it was funny when Rocky let Tucker in after letting him know why he didnt want him inside.

P33: Middle page. I hope this is intentionally funny becuase it works well. If not, I think you need to trim the dialouge so it does not go round in circles.

P34: I know its a flashback but - the heist sounds promising and Im looking forward to how this plays out. This looks like the part where things really start to kick off so Im expecting a bit of action and violence in the not so distant future.

P49: More aggresive dialouge would really help in some scenes. I respect your decision on using swearing sparingly so far, but in a story like this I think it would seem to be almost expected more frequent. It would help make the characters more realistic. At times, they come across a bit weak and soft because of there dialouge.

P55: I thought you did a good job with the gun battle where Tucker rescued his brother.
P63: I think you meant to put RICK instead of ROCKY as a character.
And it might be another nitpick, but I dont think many men would be able to run if they had just been shot there of all places!


More to follow...
Posted by: Scoob, April 19th, 2007, 6:55pm; Reply: 83
Continued:

P72: I dont mind the flashbacks - I think it helps intwine the backstory with the present and there is some good stuff here, and it mixes well. There are times when Im just getting into the story and then the pace drops once we have to go on another flashback but apart from that it works for me. The idea of the story as a whole is good and it continues to unwrap as we go on.

P84: Miles continuous questioning here is annoying. I think you should explain his concerns in another way, maybe let there actions speak for themselves.

P99: I enjoyed the whole scene where the stranger finds Smooth and Cassandra. Well written, nicely described. A definite highlight and a good scene.

P100: The way everyone talks about Tucker, that he is a legend ect. is quite a funny running gag. It reminds me a little of the Snake Plissken character from Escape From New York where everyone who he bumps into or whenever someone talks about him thought he was dead.  Back to Tucker - I like it. It may pop up a hell of a lot but its quite amusing.

P105: The Stranger is a cool villain - if you can sort out some of the early dialouge problems I think his character will benefit from it.
Quite surprised Miles was killed and I didnt expect Luther to be revealed as the Stranger. Be interesting to see how you explain this...

P108: What comes around, goes around looks like the main moral of this story. I like it.
I like how you linked the Rick shooting incident into this whole story. Nicely done.

And done.

Good ending. I like the way everything came in place and although you end it on a somewhat downbeat mood, I think that it works well and is quite an original ending.
You have a good story, things really kick up a gear in the last act or the last 15-20 pages.Your writing is good, you have describe things clearly and have created some good characters that are certainlt developed throughout the script. I would say Tucker and the Stranger were the characters I enjoyed the most, the Stranger's mystique was intriguing throughout.
The flashbacks, slightly annoying at the start because of their unexpected frequency, soon became enjoyable and pivitol to the story.

I would say that I think you need to cut a lot of unnessecary descriptions and dialouge out. Simplify them and dont worry about detailing conversations too much. Sure, you need character development and some chit chat is always good to read but I think you may have over done it a little. Once you sort these out, I think you have a solid script and one that can only get better.

All the best,

Posted by: TAnthony, April 20th, 2007, 12:22am; Reply: 84
Hey Scoob, thanks for the great review.

Loud and Nasty was my first completed script and I've just now begun to allow myself to really take a chainsaw to it and cut it up. I'm going to do a serious re-write, and all of that unbelievable crappy dialogue, and bad action lines will be replaced.

Thanks again (Nearly finished with Malevolent I; I like it.)
Posted by: Scoob, April 22nd, 2007, 9:00pm; Reply: 85
No worries,

I'll look forward to the re-write as well as reading Down And Dirty, which I will crack on with later this week.

Thanks for the Malevolent review aswell, very helpful.

All the best
Posted by: tweak, April 25th, 2007, 12:30am; Reply: 86
I couldn't finish it, so I am not going to make page by page suggestions.  The most important thing to me is that the story, dialogue, and action is strong enough for me to finish the screenplay.

The beginning started off really weak.  The whole diner conversation makes me think the Stranger is a punk kid.  I cannot take the Stranger seriously.  I all most want to laugh.  His whole mission thing just doesn't fit.  After about 4 pages, the story starts.  Why does it take so long to mention Tucker?  Why do some of the action sequences tell versus show?

For example, "begins his phony, daily greeting".  If that is so important, couldn't you just write (phony) in his dialogue?

The other problem is the scene length.  Any time a scene goes over 2 pages, I start to wonder about the importance of the dialogue.  

Have you read this screenplay out loud?  That might help you with timing the dialogue.  This will also help you quickly find the sayings that just sound strange.

Finally, what is the story about?  After reading the first 40 pages, I have no idea what was going on.  There is a lot of violence and mouthing off, but what's the point?  Are you trying to establish Tucker as a bad character?  If Tucker gets wacked, there is nothing established to make me want to see him live.  

Is this a redemption story?  And is there a particular character I am supposed to like?  I am reading, and I really don't like any of the characters.  And why all the flashbacks?  There seems to be one every dozen or so pages.

Finally, the character's name reminds me of the movie "John Tucker Must Die."

Cheers,

tweak

Posted by: TAnthony, April 27th, 2007, 8:34pm; Reply: 87
Hey Tweak,

Thanks for the review. I'm just now realizing that this screenplay isn't as good as I thought it was. This was my first and it's got a few rookie mistakes and odd dialogue. It's still a work in progress.

Thanks again.
Posted by: tweak, April 28th, 2007, 2:44am; Reply: 88

Quoted from TAnthony
Hey Tweak,

Thanks for the review. I'm just now realizing that this screenplay isn't as good as I thought it was. This was my first and it's got a few rookie mistakes and odd dialogue. It's still a work in progress.

Thanks again.


If you are feeling down because the story isn't firing on all cylinders, go read some first drafts.  There are a lot of bad ones out there that after revisions turned out pretty damn good.  

The good news is that you wrote a screenplay from start to finish.  A lot of people don't do that, so kudos for doing that.

Now, outline your story again and start doing some re-writes!

tweak
Posted by: Whacky (Guest), April 29th, 2007, 12:57pm; Reply: 89
Good stuff. I'm new here, but this script is slick and interesting. Contary to other readers i think the diagloge works well - its sharp, occasionally witty and engaging.

This may just be me, and i wouldnt usually sugesst it, but i think that futher use of profanity could work well here. Some scenes of chaos, like Tucker finding Cass and Smooth in his apartment, could do with more use of profanity to make it that little bit more realistic. Other scenes aswell could benefit from this. Im not saying a Pulp Fiction level of swearing, just afew more swear words. I mean, this is a gangster/crime movie and it would work well to highten the level of the gangster (badass) look to each character if they swore just that little bit more.

Some lines can go. The one that struck me the most was at the end, when Luther is talking to Kelly at the hospital and he says something like "I think i can get hold of 100k". That doesnt need to be said, the audience and reader know by this point exactly what has happened and i think in the context of a film, that wouldnt work well at all. There are afew more lines like this, cant think of them off the top of my head just now - you dont need your characters to point out the obvious.

There is a scene, when Rocky is in his car and he rings up Tucker to say that Zach is in, or something like that. This scene can go i think. Its short and pointless. Again, i think there was some other scenes like this, pointless and not doing anything to progress the story or engage the reader. We could have easily worked that out if Zach had just been there, we dont need to see Rocky telling Tucker this.

Other than these minor complaints its a damn good script. I could imagine it being a film. With quite a large budget this film could take off i think. It just needs to be that little bit tidier. More slick. Tidy it up. Perhaps, embelish the characters just that little bit more - give the audience more reason to mourn the loss of each character as they  get killed.

Keep writing

Whacky

PS - sorry man, dont know how to give stars....it would have got 4-5 starts from me.
Posted by: TAnthony, April 30th, 2007, 10:49pm; Reply: 90
Thanks Whacky, glad you liked it. I'll try my best to include your notes in my next draft.

Thanks!
Posted by: dogglebe (Guest), May 28th, 2007, 11:44am; Reply: 91
I have three major problems with this script, which made it difficult to finish.  The first is that you use way too much dialogue.  Everyone just keeps talking and talking and talking and talking.  While some people may do this in real life, not everyone does.  In this script, everyone does.  Starting with the first page:


Quoted Text
The Strangers sits at the counter and the OWNER greets him.

OWNER
Hello sir. Can I help you?

The scar surprises the Owner, but he collects himself.

THE STRANGER
Yeah you can help me.

OWNER
What would you like?

THE STRANGER
Coffee. Black.


Why not just write it:



Quoted Text
The Strangers sits at the counter and the OWNER greets him.

OWNER
Hello sir. Can I help you?

The scar surprises the Owner, but he collects himself.

THE STRANGER
Coffee. Black.


In doing this, I trimmed five lines off your script.  It may not seem like much, but you can do this with every conversation in the script.  The conversation between Smooth and Cassandra (pages 87 through 89) could've been cut in half, if not more.

If you were to fit all the fat , this script would probably be about seventy pages long, maybe even less.  Some of your descriptions can also be trimmed down.


Next major problem I had was that you often describe things incorrectly.  The general rule is to describe things only as the camera can record them.


Quoted Text
Last is twenty-two year old SAMUEL. Samuel doesn't look right with the other men. He's young and out of place.



Quoted Text
MILES, Tucker's younger brother, sits on the steps of Tucker's house.



Quoted Text
He climbs into his car and turns the engine on. He stares through the windshield and out the windows.

He has no idea where he wants to go. Everyone he's ever loved is gone. He's by himself now. He drives off, with no particular destination.


How does Samuel look out of place with the others?  How do we know that Miles, is Samuel's younger brother?  IN regards to the last scene, all I see is a guy driving.


Third problem (and this is thte biggie) is that I didn't find any of your characters believeable.  For a bunch of thugs and gangsters, these guys sure are a bunch of pussies.


Quoted Text
    CASSANDRA
For such a cold-blooded, legendary,
notorious, gangster you sure are a
punk. Why're people scared of you?
It's not like you're going to hurt
them.


You go, Girlfriend!

In the first flashback, you have Tucker and Luther getting ambushed in the alley and Tucker's just saying, "here.  Take my money.  I don't want no trouble."  And he has $100K in cocaine on him.

When Pit Bull is talking with Miles, one of the girls interrupts, complaining about the lack of air conditioning.  And he just rolls over and takes it.  WTF!!!?.  And, btw, introduce a character like this:  He has the lame name of PIT BULL..  His name is Pit Bull.  Leave it at that.

Why would Tucker leave anyone standing after a shoot out (page 49)?

You keep saying that Tucker is a head gangster and that he's all tough, but I just don't see it.  No one respects a person who is trampled on by everyone.  And if he, somehow, made crime boss, everyone would be gunning for him for his job.

I wouldn't write anymore sequels to this until you go back and take care of these problems.


Phil
Posted by: TAnthony, May 29th, 2007, 7:17pm; Reply: 92
Thanks for the review dogglebe.


Quoted from dogglebe
Third problem (and this is thte biggie) is that I didn't find any of your characters believeable.  For a bunch of thugs and gangsters, these guys sure are a bunch of pussies.


What I was trying to do, was show that Tucker waas beginning to get soft. So he slowly becomes more and more of a pushover. That's what I was attempting to write. That's why Cassandra says what she says, because she starts to notice it.

Thanks again.

Posted by: dogglebe (Guest), May 29th, 2007, 7:28pm; Reply: 93

Quoted from TAnthony
What I was trying to do, was show that Tucker waas beginning to get soft. So he slowly becomes more and more of a pushover. That's what I was attempting to write. That's why Cassandra says what she says, because she starts to notice it.


You showed him being a pushover in the first flashback.  I got the impression that he was never tough.  And Pit Bull was a pushover when the prostitute started bitching to him.


Phil

Posted by: Dethan, June 23rd, 2007, 2:11am; Reply: 94
Pages 1-20

Plot:
The plot is revenge with THE STRANGER wanting to kill Tucker. The hook is we donít know why yet.  So that keeps us reading, good job.

Characters:
The Stranger is still underdeveloped here. Tucker isnít what I expect from a gang leader.  He seems like a wimp.

Structure:
The flashback with Luther feels misplaced.  It is like Tucker is telling this story to the three guys in the car.  And I doubt those 3 would give a damn.

Also you should probably show a scene with just Sam & Tucker so that we get a feeling for their relationship.  That way we feel bad with Tucker when He gets capped.

Pages 20-40
Plot:
At this point the story is scattered.  You introduced The Stranger then ignored him for the next 30+ pages.  Then you added 2-3 too many subplots. And a second major story arc done in Flashbacks.

Character:
You got a good sense of establishing character through dialogue. But there are so many that I keep mixing them up anyway. Iím not sure if I sympathize with Tucker... all these people using him, Iím hoping he shoots a few.

Flashback:
The flashback story arc is more clear then the main story arc.  We know what the motivation is: Get money to pay Toothpick for the drug deal gone bad.  It is short.  Focused.  Easy to remember. It has a purpose. But the V.O. Should probably go.

Pages 40-60
Plot:
It picks up here.  You should move the killing of Zack scene 5-10 pages earlier.  They donít need to find the body till later.

Anyway, now that it is more focused: Find The Stranger.  The story is moving at a clip.  Much more enjoyable to read.  I keep waiting for one of the people he lets off to get out a gun and try to kill him.

Characters:
Iím still a little loop warm on most of the characters. I think the stories of a young Tucker, the one of legend, would be more interesting then this.  That and people donít normally go soft without a reason.  You donít give us a reason for him going soft.

Pages 60-80

PLOT:
Goes south fast.  The pit bull thing seems added on to add false danger then it goes by so fast you donít really care. Except for the fact that theyíre screwed no matter what now.  The story might as well end here.  We all know it is going to end badly for everyone invovled.

Pages 80-end
First you can lose the entire Fat-boy scene and the prostitute interrogation.  We donít need to see that.  It doesnít move the main story forward and it doesnít illuminate the main character.  It is a waste of space.  Fat-boy showing up at the end would then be a surprise. Or have Slick call.  Either way.

I donít really need the Luther back story flashbacks either.  You could probably put the entire Luther/Tucker history into the dialogue somewhere near the beginning of the script. Itíd give Tucker a nice confessional moment and weíd feel for him more early on.

The end was anti-climatic. And, despite the overly long and dramatic final flashback, it ends abruptly.

Final thoughts:
You write good dialogue sequences.  It made this pretty easy to read.  I liked the opening drug deal with Fizzy, Samuel, and everyone in the hotel room. The opening scene in the diner was great. It hooked me in early. You need more Stranger early and fewer flashbacks.  

If I were to give you Heavy handed advice, Iíd say cut the flashbacks down.  Give Tucker a more legendary feel.  Instead of people just saying heís a legend, have them tell tales of why heís a legend. Like ďDidnít you hear about him shooting off someones balls?Ē

Overall, a pretty good effort.
Posted by: TAnthony, June 26th, 2007, 5:49pm; Reply: 95
Thanks for the review Dethan. I think my next draft coming up is a great improvement on this one. I moved up the death of Zach earlier and tweaked the end a little. I think the main story is a lot more clear too.

Thanks again!
Posted by: TAnthony, June 27th, 2007, 11:27pm; Reply: 96
Thanks Don for getting the update up!

In this draft a lot of scenes have been re-ordered so that main conflict is set-up earlier. Some scenes have been taken out and new ones have been added.

Thanks.
Posted by: aurorawriter, July 6th, 2007, 9:00pm; Reply: 97
Part 1 of 2 (my response was too long!)

Hi Tyler,

I finished reading Loud and Nasty.  My thoughts are below.  I think you have a very clean, readable style.  I think you need to work on the structure of your story, and Iíve included detailed notes below.  Donít get discouraged Ė I know you just did a rewrite, but story structure is the absolute hardest part of screenwriting.  Even professional writers go through dozens of rewrites, sometimes, to get the story right.  Read as many scripts as you can.  And since you seem to prefer action, watch lots of action movies and really analyze them.  Rent Die Hard and Lethal Weapon and every well-written action film and really try to break them down into their story elements Ė youíll learn more than you can imagine.  Most of all, keep writing!

Best,

Aimee


pp. 1-10     This is the first script Iíve read here that had truly efficient descriptions.  Itís readable and thereís lots of white space.  Good work on that!

Iím a bit confused about what kind of person Tucker really is.  On the one hand, heís presented as someone to be feared.  On the other hand, he seems downright genial compared to the guys working for him.  It can be good to have characters with contradictory traits, but you only have one chance to make a first impression on a reader.

p. 13  If YOUNG TUCKER is young enough to be played by a different actor (itís not clear from this) then you need to give him a separate character tag to differentiate.  If itís the same actor, then itís fine as is.

p. 17  I donít think you need the parenthetical to tell us that Tuckerís aggravated.  It seems pretty obvious to me that he is.  However, Iíd keep the one for Miles, since that line could be delivered more than one way in that situation.

p. 21  The dialogue here strikes me as being a little ďon the nose.Ē  Like when Tucker says, ďYeah I do.  Iíve been so afraid to admit it, but I do.Ē  I get the sense that he means exactly what heís saying.  Thereís no subtext.  I took Robert McKeeís seminar a few years back, and he said something that always stuck with me: if the scene is about what the scene is about, youíre dead.  This scene needs to be about something else Ė about Tuckerís relationship with Cassandra or something.

p. 22  So now we come back to the Stranger.  The problem I have here is that Iím not sure what this storyís about.  If itís about the Stranger getting revenge, then I think you need more of him.  If itís about Tucker going soft, then maybe the answer is to start the script with Tucker instead of with the stranger.

p. 23  For me, the Strangerís voice-over is not really working here.  I donít understand what he means when he says that Tuckerís death will be loud, or why thatís supposed to be scary.  Maybe it just seems a bit too stylized to really be menacing Ė do you know what I mean?

p. 24  This is more of an ongoing note.  There are quite a few places where the dialogue is missing commas and stuff like that.  You can dismiss this as English major (and yes, I was one!) nitpicking, but the truth is itís a pacing thing.  For example, take Rockyís dialogue: ďCall me or sumthin don't just knock on the door! You stupid? Is that it you stupid or sumthin?Ē  An actor will most likely deliver that with a pause after the first Ďsumthiní and with another one after the second Ďstupid.í  But when you leave out the commas, it reads very flat and it doesnít work.  I would recommend reading all of your dialogue out loud.  Get a friend or something to do it with you, and divvy up the parts.  I write with my husband, and we read all of our scripts out loud.  It really helps identify stuff like that.  If a line sounds wrong, take a look at it and figure out why.  Your script will get exponentially better if you do.

p. 29  Okay, I should have a clear idea right now what the story is, and I donít.  I suspect that the flashbacks are somehow connected to whatever it was that Tucker did to the Stranger, but I donít know that for sure.  Structurally, I think this is a little muddled.

pp. 29-31  Iím not sure how the stuff with Miles and Pit Bull fits into the story.  Subplots should always be related to the main plot.  Iím also not really sure what your theme isÖ

p. 49  Just a note that Iím still not sure what the story is, and to me, that means your story doesnít have a strong spine.  I donít know what Tucker wants.  Iím not sure how the flashbacks relate to the present.  I think your writing is solid, and that helps a lot.  But I really think you need to go back and restructure the story.  Before you start, you need to have a very clear idea of what your protagonist wants, whatís standing in his way, and how the storyís going to end.  You might check out some screenwriting books that focus on structure.  I think Blake Snyderís ďSave the CatĒ is very accessible, and a good one to start with.
Posted by: aurorawriter, July 6th, 2007, 9:01pm; Reply: 98
Part 2 of 2: (And Tyler, let me know if you have any questions!)

pp. 54-56 This should be where you have a midpoint complication.  Youíve got the right idea with Smooth and Cassandra getting caught together, but with Tuckerís goal so undefined, Iím not sure how it ties in.  Maybe if his goal was to get out of being a badass and settle down with Cassandra, then the idea of her cheating on him would have the weight it needs at this point in the story.  Again, I canít stress enough how important it is for it to be clear what your main character wants.

p. 56 Iím pretty sure that you do want your story to be about Tucker and whether or not heís gone soft.  That being the case, I think you need to be more subtle about it.  You definitely want to drop hints (especially if youíre setting up for a big, climactic battle with the Stranger, which I suspect you are) but having Miles flat out say to him, several times, that heís going soft, is too obvious.  Itís always better to show, than to tell.  Youíve got some good examples of Tucker maybe not being as brutal as he used to be (leaving the guy alive whoíd kidnapped Miles, etc.) and I donít think you need the dialogue.

p. 57 Okay, so with the note, here comes the Stranger again.  Thatís good, but I think that Tuckerís first inkling that someoneís coming after him needs to come a lot sooner.  Weíre more than halfway into the movie.  Thatís too late Ė an audience (or a reader) wonít wait around that long to figure out what the storyís about.  If the Strangerís your antagonist, then he needs to be a larger presence in the script.  Make him really menacing.  Make him a constant threat.  Oh, and *show* him killing Zach.  Give us some indication that itís not all that easy to take Zach out, and then show us how he did it.  That makes the threat so much more pervasive, and you want that in an action film.

pp. 58-59  I like the flashback with Rick.  Itís a good use of humor, which in a script with so much violence is a good idea.  It gives the audience a bit of a break.  Nice work.

p. 60  This is a minor thing, but you have Cassandra holding a briefcase full of her clothes.  A briefcase wouldnít hold very much Ė make it a suitcase.

p. 69  Just a note to be careful of typos.  You have quite a few of them, and they are distracting.  You describe Frankís face as ďscoldedĒ when I think you mean ďscalded,Ē and on this page you say that Pit Bull jumps up in a ďfurryĒ which I think should be ďflurry.Ē  Like with the dialogue, the best way to catch stuff like that is by reading out loud.  Spell check wonít help you with stuff like that (and I make that type of phonetic error all the time, too!), but reading it out loud will.

p. 70  If Tuckerís argument to Pit Bull is that Milesí debt is paid in full, he should say, ďMy brother repaid you the five grand he owed you, right?Ē or something like that.  By saying ďsome ofĒ youíre diluting his point.

p. 75  Again, you have the right idea by making things even harder on Tucker here.  Usually about ĺ of the way through the script, you want to have a real low point for the protagonist, when it seems like everything is lost.  But it needs to be integrally connected to the main story, and I donít really see that it is here.  Maybe if the Stranger were connected to Pit Bull, that could make it work.  But at this point I still donít know who the Stranger is, what Tucker did to him, or what (if any) connection he has to any of the other characters.  That needs to change for the story to have impact.

pp. 76-102  Again, I think you need to have some set-up to indicate that Luther might have a grudge.  I see now that there was a connection between the flashbacks and the present, but I think you need to give the audience/reader more information about it for it to really work.  As it is, they seem completely unconnected, and itís not until the last couple of pages that we even know that Luther might have a grudge.  Itís a fine line between giving away too much, too soon and holding back until itís too late.  Be careful, though, because itís unclear why Lutherís anger is focused on Tucker when Rickís the one who killed his wife and son.  Itís tough to have the audience care about a protagonist who would kill a mother and child, but if itís not Tucker who did it, why is Lutherís anger focused on him?
Posted by: mcornetto (Guest), July 7th, 2007, 5:27am; Reply: 99
My review will look pitifully short after auroraís but here I go.

Overall, I liked this script.  It was full of unsavoury characters in a mystery like story.  Sometimes the writing was spot on, well done.  But at other times the dialogue was a bit on the nose and some of the action descriptions were a bit dry for my tastes.  Smoothing the writing is just a matter of more drafts.

I did notice that your formatting was wrong.  There should be at least a double space between the end of a scene and the next scene heading.  This script was single spaced and therefore is actually much longer than the page count advertised. For shame Taylor! ;-)

The stranger was an interesting enough character, though sometimes I found his dialogue to be a bit clumsy, especially at the beginning.  I realised right away that it was Luther.  I donít know whether or not you intended this so I thought I would mention it.   I thought this character could have played a bigger part in the story, given Tucker more problems and sooner.  And I thought his punishments could have better fit the crime, have him savour his revenge.  I thought sometimes the revenge killings were rushed.    

The main problem I had with Tucker, and all the characters in this story, was that they were not likeable. All of Tuckerís hemming and hawing about wanting out just made him seem weaker and more unlikeable IMHO.  None of the other characters even had anything remotely resembling redeeming qualities.

The main problem I had with the story was that it lacked focus.  I think you should cut a bunch of pages off this script.  Distil it down to its essential story.   I especially found the subplot between Smooth and Tucker's wife to be the most distracting, though the subplot with Miles was a close second.  Whether or not any of those subplots are necessary is up to you but I think you should try cutting them.

The ending of this story was not satisfying to me. Iím not certain how I would have preferred it to end, and I donít have any suggestions for you, but the ending presented didnít quite do it for me.

Good job Taylor.  

Michael  
Posted by: TAnthony, July 8th, 2007, 10:28pm; Reply: 100
mcornetto - Thanks for the review! I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the ending.

aurorawriter - Thanks for the excellent review. I think I know now how I can really attack this script again. I'm going to pm a few questions your way. Thanks again! One of the best reviews I've gotten.
Posted by: dresseme (Guest), July 10th, 2007, 10:03am; Reply: 101
Sorry for taking so long to get to your script; I had a few to get through beforehand.

I'm going to start off with being honest; I didn't care for the script.  Which is odd, because I remember "Down & Dirty" being a lot better.  If I had to pick one to concentrate on, I'd pick D&D; because it really is a stand-alone movie.  I didn't really see a lot of connections between the two.

First off, I couldn't stand the flashbacks.  I didn't like the voice over, and I didn't like how you cued the flashbacks.  It seemed like almost everytime one came it was cued.  That's the beauty of film; you don't have to cue them.  You can confuse your audience a bit, let them figure it all out.

Second, Tucker is not bad ass.  He's a "legend", but I don't see why.  Yeah, he shoots a lot of people, but so does everyone else.  You need to make him stand out.  Because as far as I can tell, he's the one with a lot of feelings/emotions, always second guessing himself.  If you're going to make him badass, you have to be relentless.

Third, don't mention Luther's "sick kid" so much.  It seems like you bring it up over 10 times.  Tucker even stops at one point and says something like "Your kid still sick?"  Of course he is!

(Side Note:  Take out Rick's line "I'll get you Tucker" after he's shot.  It's really, really cheesy.  Way too much of a cartoon villian line.)

I think the biggest problem with your script is everybody is killing EVERYBODY.  So it's never a surprise when someone dies....ever.  You basically have taken all the fun out of killing, as odd as that sounds.

Finally, the ending is really anti-climactic.  You've built up this whole thing, and it ends so quickly.  It's almost as if you had no clue how to end it.

So, in closing, my suggestion is that you work more on D&D, and seperate it from this series (unless there's some huge connections I'm not remembering).  This script is salvagable, but it needs a lot of work.
Posted by: TAnthony, July 13th, 2007, 8:55pm; Reply: 102
Thanks for the review Dressel. Sorry you didn't like it. I've already started the next draft and I decided just to do a complete over haul. I took out all of the flashbacks and only a few scenes remain from this draft. Thanks for the feedback.
Posted by: Cpt. Mark, November 24th, 2007, 10:08pm; Reply: 103
Hey Tanothy, I just read Loud and nasty and I have to say it is very good. You had a decent plot that worked very well and had some intersting characters. The only problem I had with this is that dialouge seemed a little to cheesy. But other than that minor problem. Good job, and I am looking forward to reading more work from you.
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