My Propeller by Zaim Oneeb - Short, Drama - How far will someone go to get their next fix? A tale of desperation and mental deterioration as Amanda struggles to cope with her addiction. 15 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Zaim,

The logline says 6 pages but it is 16. Anyway a lovely feel good factor in that script lol! Besides that there's quite a few moments where you tell us how the character feels when the action should be enough to show us and the actor what they are feeling at that point.

However it was readable, I just found it predictable and depressing. I also didn't buy Sterlings complete change of character part way through.

Hi Zaim. Here are my thoughts on the content of the story.

First off I was confused as well by the length of the story. I can only conclude that it was a typo.

The story moved along well. I felt engaged enough to get to the next page and finally to the end. The ending was a bit depressing, but that isn't what bothered me about your script.

1) Characters: your characters felt one dimensional and not all that interesting. Amanda is the helpless victim and Sterling the abusive drug dealer. We have been here before. Why should the audience revisit this theme? What new ideas are you offering in this story?

Although Sterling seems to have a change of heart in his part in ruining Amanda's life. It isn't quite clear why one picture would cause him to have second thoughts dealing drugs to her.

To be honest it's not very believable. If he had been a dealer for years and met countless of addicts, it's a little far fetched that one picture is going to cause him to suddenly care about Amanda or have a crises of conscious.

Let's be honest. There is nothing really to like about Sterling's character. He is clearly a sociopath who uses women for his own self gratification. How can I the reader see him as the protagonist and want to feel for him when he breaks down at the end when he is very unlikable character?  

Nick and Sarah part in the story seem uncertain.

2) Dialogue: Unfortunately the dialogue is very homogenous which is probably to be expected since this is a first draft.

3)  Sexual content: A lot of writers will put sexual content in their scripts because they think that it will sell the story. In this case, I can sort of understand why you would do that, but I still felt it was a bit unnecessary to make it so overt and redundant. It sort of comes across as soft core porn, which IMO really diminishes it's intended effect on the audience.

4) The ending: The death of Amanda was the real first turning point in this story, but it was unfortunately where your script ended. The first 15 pages leading up to that point was exposition.

When the protagonist has a crises of conscious, we the audience want to know what happens next.

5) Character development. I think you need to expand on your characters and reveal their motivations. Why do they do what they do?


In conclusion. This script is still a work in progress, but it can turn into a real gem if you can work on developing the characters more.