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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Dramedy Scripts  /  Lifestyles of the Rich and Poor
Posted by: Don, January 12th, 2017, 8:08pm
Lifestyles of the Rich and Poor by Skip Byrd - Short, Dramedy - A antisocial personality disorder diagnosed young man overcomes his fear by having life planned out for him as he deals with friends and family.  13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: eldave1, January 13th, 2017, 9:03pm; Reply: 1
Skip: Issues abound. This is not close.


Quoted Text
INT. TORONTO NIGHT
FADE IN:


- The FADE IN comes first.
- The scene heading is not formatted correctly. Should be: INT. TORONTO - NIGHT
- How is "Toronto" an interior location??????

Next line:


Quoted Text
Freddie is in the hospital for treatment and

Dr. Pearlstein is having a conversation with him.


There is a blank line in the middle of this sentence.
Freddie should be CAPPED as well as Dr. Pearlstein. All character names are CAPPED when first intro'd. Also some description of the characters certainly would be helpful.

No need to number scenes.

Okay - I'm going to stop. There are issues throughout. I don't mean to be harsh, but you need to learn some of the basics.
Posted by: Skip, January 15th, 2017, 10:45am; Reply: 2
Sorry, I'll give you a revised draft.

SCRIPTS:
Fragile X http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1483571716/
Posted by: RichardR, January 17th, 2017, 2:34pm; Reply: 3
Some notes.

This one needs work.  The English is flawed, and the story meanders without real purpose.  The characters need to be fleshed out and given more motives.  There really isn't a story her, just some scenes and dialogue meant to be provocative.  Keep reading good scripts.

Best
Richard
Posted by: Simon, August 30th, 2017, 6:01am; Reply: 4
'Freddie headbutts him, throws the table and punches him in the face three times.' I thought that was a bit extreme and it came out of nowhere. The doctor didn't react much at all to that. 'Thank you for your help, it means a lot to me'? That was quick change in mood. Freddy doesn't sound like the kind of person who gets embarrassed. Your story lacks structure, and it kind of ends for no reason.
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