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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Drama Scripts  /  Savanna Stone
Posted by: Don, September 9th, 2018, 11:35am
Savanna Stone by Matthew Gayles - Drama - A washed up actress returns to her hometown to film a movie but when the star of the movie is kidnapped she is the only one who can save him. 106 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: MatthewG, September 9th, 2018, 11:28pm; Reply: 1
Definitely looking for honest feedback on this one so it can be the best it can possibly be
Posted by: Dustin, September 10th, 2018, 1:45am; Reply: 2
The film sounds boring. Who is he kidnapped by?
Posted by: MatthewG, September 10th, 2018, 9:39am; Reply: 3
read and find out
Posted by: eldave1, September 10th, 2018, 11:21am; Reply: 4
Matthew - read the opening page.

Your headers are formatted wrong. Here is good link.

https://www.storysense.com/format/headings.htm

It's Savanna's not - Savannas


Quoted Text
SAVANNA STONE, an adorable ten year old girl, watches a VHS
copy of an old movie on her CRT television with her eyes
glued to the screen.


Kind of odd - you provide all the detail of the television equipment - but nothing on the movie.  Unless down the line it matters that this is a VHS- CRT set-up - just tell us she's watching the Wizard of Oz or something - or just TV for that matter.


Quoted Text
An old TRUCK pulls into the driveway and Savanna's DAD (early
40's) stumbles out of the car, stumbling around a bit and
obviously drunk.


Award writing - stumbling and stumbles.  Also - give him a name. Separate distinct actions - i.e., time passes between the truck pulling in and the dude getting out - give us a separate sentence. e.g.,

An old TRUCK pulls into the driveway.

FRANK STONE (40's) stumbles out of the truck, obviously drunk.


Quoted Text
DAD
Savanna we need to talk.


Comma after Savanna


Quoted Text
DAD
After I got some smokes I saw my
buddy Jimmy and we had a few
drinks. Then I saw another friend
and then we hung out for a little
while. That's all that happened


Found the above stilted - unnatural.

Try:

DAD
Uh, yeah - I ran into Jimmy at the store. We had a few
drinks.  
(belches)
That's all that happened


Anyway - just from page 1 there are some format and typos to tiddy up - best of l uck
Posted by: MatthewG, September 10th, 2018, 8:59pm; Reply: 5
Itís a CRT and a Vcr because itís 20 years ago
Posted by: MatthewG, September 10th, 2018, 9:00pm; Reply: 6
Names arenít listed because itís from a childís perspective and thatís what she calls her parents
Posted by: MatthewG, September 10th, 2018, 9:02pm; Reply: 7
Did you mean award writing or awkward writing?
Posted by: eldave1, September 10th, 2018, 9:08pm; Reply: 8
Awkward
Posted by: Dustin, September 11th, 2018, 1:31am; Reply: 9

Quoted from MatthewG
read and find out


But that's just it... the film sounds boring. You know how when you read a logline or tagline for a film on Netflix and you make a decision based on that? This is one of those moments. I'm not genuinely interested in who kidnaps him, I just thought it might help sell your story better if it was in the log.
Posted by: MatthewG, September 11th, 2018, 8:48am; Reply: 10
1. Canít change the log

2. Who kidnaps him isnít the hook, itís about who saves him
Posted by: eldave1, September 11th, 2018, 10:44am; Reply: 11

Quoted from MatthewG
Itís a CRT and a Vcr because itís 20 years ago


That doesn't necessarily tell me it was 20 years ago. They could just be poor.  Also, not sure how may of your average readers are going to have a clue is to what a CRT is (I do because I'm 61).

I would use a SUPER to set the time and place like you did later on.

Finally, the point of this scene is too show the girls love of movies (I'm assuming - so let me know if I'm wrong). But if it is - watch she is watching is far more important than how she is watching it. e.g., a 10 year old watching Citizen Cane, Gone with The Wind, Pretty Woman, etc. ) gives us more insight to her then the details on the TV. Anyway - you choice - just my opinion.
Posted by: MatthewG, September 11th, 2018, 11:55am; Reply: 12
I couldnít think of a movie for her to watch lol yeah I guess citizen cane would tell a lot about her
Posted by: eldave1, September 11th, 2018, 12:00pm; Reply: 13

Quoted from MatthewG
I couldnít think of a movie for her to watch lol yeah I guess citizen cane would tell a lot about her


Cool - good luck
Posted by: MatthewG, September 12th, 2018, 1:42pm; Reply: 14

Quoted from eldave1


Cool - good luck


Anything else?
Posted by: eldave1, September 12th, 2018, 2:17pm; Reply: 15
Not at this time
Posted by: MatthewG, September 14th, 2018, 3:19pm; Reply: 16
Anyone want to read a few pages and give me some feedback? I'll read your script in exchange.
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