A Lost Diamond by Swarovski Crystals - Mystery, Piggy bank, Social Worker, School.

Again, another tough set of criteria to use.

The school, the social worker and the mysterious child all work well. In fact the piggy bank blends in nicely.

Babe is a mystery, that’s for sure, so box ticked there.

Story wise, you handle this pretty well. The reality is that this is a bigger concept, and indeed I think has some good potential.

Under the circumstances, good work

Hey writer,

So I think this was good, and an out-of-the-box idea, and I think that mystery is the hardest genre to convey within 5 pages, so kudos on taking that on in week 1.

This feels to me like vignettes, or almost like a trailer for a feature film. I think there's a little bit of connective tissue missing, like who Gabe and Mrs. Bergman are to each other, and who Brian thinks Mrs. Bergman is (are she and Gabe supposed to be related?).

That said, feeling like a trailer for a feature is a good thing. I think you have created some interesting characters that, free from the parameters, can be explored more deeply. So good job on that.

As for the theme, I see greed here, from Mrs. Bergman, however I don't see the results of the greed. Or should I say, the tragic results. Greed creating tragic circumstances is technically the theme of the week. But again, separate from that, you've created a drama / mystery that can be expanded into an interesting and easily filmable short.

AJR

This was a bit confusing.

It seems like the kid can read minds and that the guy actually did take the diamond, but the kid doesn't want to rat on the guy for some reason.

I think that money being the root of all evil is the only part that isn't really apparent for me.

Good job finishing.

It was mysterious. Left a lot of intriguing and unanswered question. In a good way. The action was underplayed and could be visually seen unfolding in quiet solitude. Did have a noirish mystery feel to it.

Upon first read, I'm confused as hell. I'm going to read this again but I'm not sure its going to make much more sense. Yeah...no. I'm still confused. Who was David and his father? Why was it okay to steal the diamond but not use it to save his daughter? I'm lost.

Money is the root of all evil. He stole the diamond and made a donation with it? Maybe I'm too simple minded to get this one.

Your entry is written well enough but it's lost on me.

Hmmm, there's lots I like in this one but I think the narrative is confused/confusing.

The sequence with his daughter didn't really fit with the rest to me.

Hit's the criteria though.

Decent effort

Hi Writer,

Quoted Text Together they watch her lose to the disease with every passing second.

I think this line could be more visual, what are we seeing that makes them and us believe this block of action?

Very well written, you definitely know your way around a script. I really have nothing else to add. This is probably my favourite entry so far.

Congrats.

All the best

Had to read it twice. Well, it's a Mystery after all.  ;D

This line got me:

DOCTOR
We don’t know how to thank you for
your contribution. I understand you
could try saving her instead.

Could have?
Does it mean he didn't? As in let one die to save many?

Okay, second read and it's still a bit of a Mystery to me so mission accomplished.

I love the tone and the vibe and the theme and elements are present and accounted for. As a story it does need more clarity to rock my boat.

Good job.

Quibble:
Walks alongside might be better.

Indeed a mystery this one.  Gabe was some sort of savant with mental powers I guess.  Was well written but overall it was too vague to really draw me in. The characters were all unlikable for some reason.

It's a Mystery alright - no complains there

I got it on the second read

Maybe you could get away with Gabby making Brian see things? That would make it easier to read.

The theme? Not sure about it in this one.

Good luck to you with it

My first read of this and I hadn't a clue what was going on. I was about to abandon it when I read the comments and folks seemed to like it, so I went back and read it again, slowly.

It certainly is a mystery and I think it ticks the boxes. I'm still not quite sure what is going on. Does Gabe have superpowers? if so, why is he using them to investigate potential theft? Seems a petty use of such a gift.

It seems that Brian did steal the diamond but has Gabe let him off because he donated it to the Hospital where his daughter was dying?

You have a superb idea here and it stands out as it is different. However, you really don't want potential producers and bored script readers who have a hundred scripts to get through to skip your script as I did at first. They won't give you a second chance, so I urge you to have another stab at this outside the constraints and makes it easier to follow as this has a lot of potential.

-Mark

I liked the idea of Brian stealing the diamond and using the proceeds to help the hospital. It makes him a rather noble character. Too noble, maybe. Most people would have used the money to further the care of their child, no matter how poor the prognosis. Gabe is an interesting kid, but using his mind-reading talent to entrap a thief seems like an unlikely use of his talent. Though the story works as it is, I think Brian’s actions may have been dictated by the author’s desire to prove that money is not the root of all evil. Good story nevertheless.

Who is Mrs. Bregman to Brian? She feels like a character that you just need in order to make your story work.

Who is Mrs. Bregman to Gabe? "Ask Mrs. Bregman about that." suggests a relationship. What is it? And, how does it fit into your larger story here?

Anyway, I feel like I understood what you were going for. To me, the world-buildling wasn't the issue it was for others.

But, for some reason, the whole came up just short. I can't quite figure out why.

Still, this is a really interesting idea you have. And, most of the pieces are in place. Without the confines of the page count, I bet you can bring this in as a very interesting short. Just fill it out a bit more. Another layer or two.

Good job.

Hi, it's a bit surreal to me and I don't fully understand it. Is Gabe reading Brian to see if he stole a diamond years ago?
It seems a bit disjointed and the relationship between the characters isn't clearly defined. Well written but not clear to me in execution.
Well done.

I think this story needs more space to fill in some blanks. There was some very interesting stuff going on. Gabe was definitely an intriguing character but in the end I was confused by him. He has some kind of powers? And what dirty work was he doing for Bergman? She calls him a poser at the end...I didn't understand that at all. And the diamond? Brian sold it and gave to the hospital instead of saving his daughter? The diamond wasn't his....but he didn't steal it? Again...intriguing stuff but definitely needs more space to fill holes. I wanted more so that's good!!

Best of luck.