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Last Call - 04C (currently 1041 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 11:45am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16481 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Last Call by El Padre - Short, Drama - A man calls his wife as she lies dying in a hospital bed during the Covid pandemic. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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irish eyes |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 3:22pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
Bittersweet.
Seeing out the final moments of his loved one and allowing her to be at peace.
Sentimental and nicely done as many a true story through Covid
Good job on entering |
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Reply: 1 - 21 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 3:28pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1739 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
That was touching and relevant. Aside from numerous punctuation issues, it flowed well. Not much else to say.
Parameters met - Good work, writer. |
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Reply: 2 - 21 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 4:03pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6875 Posts Per Day 1.92 |
A real nitty issue – but muted pings could be anything. Make it the ping of something (e.g., the muted pings of medical equipment).
Quoted Text Let’s get you tidied up for your husband Mary, he’ll be calling back in moment |
Need a comma after husband. Okay – great topic for this challenge – and very poignant. A heartfelt tale for sure. Nice job. |
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Reply: 3 - 21 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 5:51pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4329 Posts Per Day 1.12 |
Simple, straight forward and well written.
Good effort. |
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Reply: 4 - 21 |
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LC |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 8:11pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7668 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
I don't like being the dissenting voice but there was just not enough subtlety or surprises for my liking.
Would he really say this:
FLETCHER (O.S.) (CONT’D) .....I think this is your last round.
I'm not sure that'd be something I'd welcome hearing on my death bed.
Sentimentality is a difficult one for me. And when the choice is that the other person doesn't speak but instead gives a sound cue. I'm often hard to please, so don't mind me.
I'm really glad you didn't go too far with the wedding-ring sound effect. One more time I feared it might enter parody/comedy land inadvertently. Ever see Hector "Tio" Salamanca in Breaking Bad with the ringing of the bell? Great for a villain.
The sequence on the end with Elizabeth, hmm... Like I said, I'm hard to please sometimes. It seemed to me it should end with Fletcher.
Nice final ending with complete silence.
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Reply: 5 - 21 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: April 17th, 2021, 9:15pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
I thought this hit emotionally. Well done.
It was definitely right on the line of too much, but, then wouldn't a moment like this be jam-packed emotionally?
Regarding the line that LC mentions "I think this is your last round." When my mother-in-law was in hospice, they told us that sometimes you need to give the person permission to go. I read that line as such, so for me, it worked. But, I can definitely see where some might not like it.
I definitely agree with LC's note that the script should end on Fletcher. It's his story. And his wife's, of course.
Still, good job. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 6 - 21 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 10:40am |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1309 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
An emotional story for someone like me to read to be sure. I think you did a good job bringing the human side of the story to the forefront. If I had one thing to suggest, it would be to take Elizabeth out of this altogether. She doesn't really add anything and she almost comes off as emotionally detached, which is quite a juxtaposition based on what we've read earlier.
Still, good job and best of luck with it.
Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 7 - 21 |
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jayrex |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 3:01pm |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
A nice touching effort. Good job.
Meets the challenge. |
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Claudio |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 5:09pm |
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January Project Group
LocationLos Angeles Posts102 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Emotional and heartfelt, nice work there. The dialogue got a little repetitive and veered towards being on-the-nose at a few moments. One example is when the nurse said:
Quoted from Last Call - 04C ...She was at peace at the end, her last thought was obviously for you. |
You did a good job of showing this, no need to say it Nice job with the ending. Closing with silence hits hard if you imagined a constant beeping and shuffling in the background. Good stuff~ |
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Reply: 9 - 21 |
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Warren |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 6:06pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Hi writer, Personally would have gone with (V.O.) over (O.S.), but not really an issue.
Quoted Text I don’t what I’ll |
Know. Pretty straight forward tale here, not really a whole lot to it. Was a bit too sickly 'bitter'sweet for my taste, but it's the kind of thing that generally fairs well in OWC type challenges. No issues with the writing and a very easy read. All the best. |
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SAC |
Posted: April 18th, 2021, 8:51pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3213 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
can certainly appreciate the drama you provided, but what you didn't do was give us much of a story to go with it. It needs more. A reveal. Tension. Something. A story needs a reason for telling. Here we just have a dying woman and her distraught husband. The end. Give us more, please.
Steve |
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Reply: 11 - 21 |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 5:26am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Very poignant, touching and meets the parameters. I've just seen this covered a lot recently on shows like Grey's Anatomy and The Good Doctor.
I thought the tapping of the ring might have been morse code and she was trying to say goodbye, that would have been a bit different. |
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Reply: 12 - 21 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 7:43am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.86 |
Hello writer
I may be heartless but there is no story here. Also confused slightly about the mentions of the Grandson, where was the grandson on the call?
I like Marks idea of Morse Code - The Wife tries to say goodbye via morse code, the husband doesn't know morse code so it slips him by, he thinks she has died without her being able to say goodbye, but the grandson clocks what it was an has been writing down the message and tells his Grandfather, now the grandfather is presented with closure
Anyway, well done on getting one in.
Matt |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Reply: 13 - 21 |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 8:00am |
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January Project Group
Posts4208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
A heartfelt story.
I don't like these but this one did it for me.
Elizabeth sounds cold. Maybe work on her some? |
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Reply: 14 - 21 |
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ReneC |
Posted: April 19th, 2021, 5:56pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Emotional, but not cathartic. It was an honest farewell, though a bit stiff, but I wasn't made to feel anything for the characters, not even for their loss. I can identify with it, but it didn't have an impact outside of my own experiences of loss. Still, it does have heart and is relevant now. |
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Gum |
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 4:00pm |
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Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.41 |
Hi writer,
Okay, yeah, tug at the ol’ heartstrings type scenario. Face-time with a final dose of altruism to ease the suffering of a loved one. The tale fits well with the theme because of the need for communication over a device, and it appears (to me) more of a tale of ‘man meets his future self’, regrettably for the wrong reasons; technology is a double-edged sword, we want to escape these damn devices, but on the other edge… they’re there (unconditionally) when we need them. Solid entry, best of luck. |
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Zack |
Posted: April 20th, 2021, 5:34pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4518 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
It's sad, and very effective. Very well written as well. Challenge met. Not sure about how you left it at the end. Just feels a bit hollow, but I suppose that is a more honest ending. Wouldn't be surprised to see this one voted towards the top. |
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Reply: 17 - 21 |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 1:27am |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1568 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Um, I think, would be to say that it's about emotion. Writing things in such a way as to provoke an emotional response from the reader and create a tone. After glancing at the previous comments -- you did that here. Which just isn't easy to do. So kudos. Don't get me wrong, I liked this for the most part, but sadly -- It just didn’t tug on my heart strings as much as i thought it would - no fault of your own --for reasons I care not to share. I know, I know, it sounds cold...
Good job here though. Best of Irish luck with this. -A |
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MarkD |
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 2:28am |
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Posts142 Posts Per Day 0.10 |
A very touching (and timely) entry. Who knows how many times this same scenario has played out during this whole pandemic? |
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Spqr |
Posted: April 21st, 2021, 12:09pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
I think it needs a hook that would differentiate it from other similar scripts submitted to this group’s Covid challenge last year. Plus I think Fletcher went a little overboard with his endearments to his dying wife: “my darling,” “my love,” “my best friend.” Those are generic phrases. You need something personal that only Mary ever heard. |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 25th, 2021, 11:14am |
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January Project Group
Posts4208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
This was very touching, Owen. Great work |
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