ED, thanks for reading.

Jeff, I find your comments interesting, as always. Did I deliberately write something people would have trouble with? Actually, I kind of enjoy doing that. I knew certain points of the 7WC would throw people off, and they did. And I knew that various points of this very short script would also mess with people, and it did.

You look for everything you're used to, and here, it's all out of place. You want characters and seeing a half dozen, you expect them all to be individuals, and yet, they're not. My narrative is more continuous and you want slugs holding your hand. I'm not saying what I have is perfect, and perhaps I need to simplify what I do, but my black screen has sound with it. It's not just dark silence. There is a slug intro-ing the silence as soon as lighting illuminates it. A lot of scripts have a lot of dialogue. I made a point of avoiding it where I could. Instead, I went for sound and visuals to show what was going on.  

I did not double the roles as a joke. There was a point to it. In fact, if the Michael & Delena roles were played by twins, that would be even better to bring home what's going on here.

As for the foreign languages, I kind of touched on it, but I'll be more specific. Sometimes, it isn't what you say, it's how you say it. Chris is basically lost in this house. We know that these people are saying something, but they're doing it in a way that we can't understand making us feel as lost and disoriented as Chris. The fact that you all felt confused by the languages shows that I at least accomplished that much.

So while it could use some tweaking, I feel like the bulk of the story seems to be missed. I've run into this problem before as well on another OWC where I tried to keep everything in subtext, and it was universally panned because no one got it.

Hey George. This was pretty standard, dude. I liked the ending but I've seen it before, if not in films, in other scripts. There were some cool visuals, like Pierre's deformed body, but not much to differentiate it from the rest. It doesn't seem like that was your intention. You just wanted to write a simple ghost story, right? I guess you did. But you gotta stand out in these things, if only to get people to respond without being influenced by the other entries. There's 40, after all, and more or less, the same story.

I suppose you did develop some suspense and a certain lack of control of the protag's part. You had a bizarre cast of characters which read, more or less, "fine" on paper but I agree with Jeff; it would just look goofy onscreen. Even mentioning the one character isn't really Hispanic just seems... meh. The use of language was "meh" as well. You could've messed around with language barriers but maybe that's for something bigger. Otherwise, it just felt pointless. BTW, I speak French. Not that it's wrong, per se, but you might want to double-check your pronoun use.

Anyway, not bad, I guess. Well written as always. Just mundane.

Congrats on finishing the OWC, George.

You have a nice little ghost story here. I liked the shadows. Would have been cool to have seen more of them.

Not sure about using other languages in the script. I don't speak other languages, so I stumbled on the dialogue, and it slowed the read for me.

I thought there were only supposed to be three actors total, not in each scene.

Like the others have said, I have seen this story before, but you did add in your own spin on it.

Cindy

Quoted from James McClung BTW, I speak French. Not that it's wrong, per se, but you might want to double-check your pronoun use.

I admit to cheating on the key phrase in the languages. I speak Spanish and admit to only a bare minimum on French, Italian, and German, so I used Google Translate to construct those. All of the other phrases I wrote off the top of my head. Based on how Spanish and German translated out, I presumed that the French probably used the formal tense of you. I'm still in the midst of learning it, so I didn't worry about it.

However, after going back and working out the phrase, I find I should have double checked it before hand. It should actually read, "Vous ne pouvez jamais quitter" in there, though I wonder if "partir" would be even better. Oh well.

Thanks for reading.

Cindy, there are only three actors total, and they play multiple roles.

And yes, I've seen this story too. However, if we always seek to write what no one has ever seen, we'll find ourselves beating our heads against a wall since such a story does not exist -- only variations of those that have come before.

SPOILERS

I like the way the story developed, you get a lot of scariness in the way you use the  "you can never leave" theme but the characters blaming each other seems less important and maybe not necessary at all.
I think the strangeness of the situation is enough to make the story compelling.

Hey George,

The first dialgoue the reader comes across to "No lo so" is supposed to be "No lo se".

Interesting piece. I wrote about the same subject. I like the idea of the ending but, I believe it should be better portrayed. Maybe have Chris shout out at someone outside and then seeing that person he shouted to didn't respond? Or something to that affect.    

The many characters were kind of confusing a bit but didn't bother me that much. The end pretty much reveals it all.

I say expand this script a bit more.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

GW, or JB, or GL, whichever you prefer,

Each time I read your title I can hear The Eagles doing Hotel California. No bad thing, I assure you.

I take it the starting dialogue is Spanish or something similar. Aren't we supposed to write it in English then state to be spoken in chosen language. Ah, you're being awkward. Like I do. Fair enough.

Quoted from YCNL , and generally looks run over.

For some reason that made me laugh out loud heartily. I must remember to steal it soon.

Is it me or is your dialogue way over to the left? Ah, some  subconscious writers trick to suggest socialist subversion. Or perhaps your margin wobbled off. No biggie.

I got a bit confused with all the characters. Couldn't remember who was who. I think bigger intros and more personality quirks would help. Or perhaps losing one or two of them.

I know one's German, one's French and one's Spanish. But I'm more confused than people were with my script.

I think I get the idea. Well, I'll read it again. If I'm still confused I'll get back to you.

Some good bits, very original compared to the other entries.


"She got the Mercedes Benz, uh,"

"Such a lovely place, such a lovely place"

R xo

1 - Story: Pretty darn creepy.  A situational horror being trapped in there with those characters much akin to Quarantine/REC.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Easily. Allocate fair bit for makeup, prosthetics and costumes.
3 - Horror & Audience: Situational horror. Looks like a solid PG-13. Don't really see the need to language/violence/gore/nudity it up to an R - unless you want to. Meets all the challenge requirements other than establishing date.
4 - Technicals & Format: Some unfilmables in there, otherwise fine. Dialog, despite being plenty of it, seems light or diffuse, like... dream speak.
5 - Title & Logline: Fine, but somehow it turns the problem situation's attention to the reader/viewer rather than reflecting the story by the inclusion of the word "you". "What do you mean 'I' can never leave? I'm not trapped in there. Chris et al are! Sux to be them! I'm doing just fine." The logline, while to the point, needs more draw to the curious and inquisitive.
General Comments:
A - For the grand number of arguing folk who read the words "actor" but comprehend that as being "characters" then go onto condemning directors that cast the same actor for multiple roles I give you => this <=. Your approach is sound, founded in reality directors face routinely. No big whup.
B - Have Chris exert some effort to recover Gina before immediately running from the house to get the cops.
C - I understand your usage of foreign language to increase the creepy disorientation. Keep it. It works.
D - This creepy eternity h3ll-house is very interesting. It would be nice for the story to spend more time there while expanding the scope of WTH is going on.
E - Emphasize the poor lighting, harsh edges of what little there is and extent of things eternally/infernally being hidden in shadows especially to get away with multiple roles. In fact, the "others" trapped in the house can deliberately be... "alterations" or "permutations" of the people that died in the muddy car crash. Fears realized in the purgatory house.
F - "A slice rents one of his pants legs revealing a wicked gash in his leg." His pants leg is either cut or torn. I don't understand what's so difficult to understand about this.
G - "The weight of the truth crashing down on him." Although this is an unfilmable of the like I see others being pilloried for, a director & actor should be able to shoot the scene to portray the sentiment jussss fiiiine. Readers may object, though.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley The first dialgoue the reader comes across to "No lo so" is supposed to be "No lo se".

Gabe, the opening dialogue is Italian, not Spanish. And I know enough Italian to least have written that one correct.

Thanks all for the reads. I'm catching the angle I need to take with the script when I dig into it again. I'll attempt to find enough time to read at least some of these OWC scripts (at least to return the reads I got).

My bad. Italian and Spanish so alike.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley My bad. Italian and Spanish so alike.

Dude, you're not kidding.

These are notes I made as I read without looking at the other comments:

Pg 1 - “Lightning. It illuminates an old, grey two story house. Though dilapidated, it remains whole, but only a shadow of its former glory.” – I found this line awkward to read. Perhaps it’s because you’ve mixed the ultra short style with a more narrative style. An example of an alternative would be “Lightning illuminates a dilapidated two story house.”

“CHRIS, a man in his early twenties, blinks in the candlelight. He is soaked to the bone, covered in mud, and generally looks run over.” – For me this line is another that could be tightened up quite a bit. Say, “CHRIS, early 20s, blinks in candlelight, muddy, soaked to the bone, and run down.”

“Michael” – Capitalized?

Pg 3 – I’m intrigued.

Presumably the actress has to play Denora, Senora Chavez, and Gina?

Pg 5 – A good chilling scene.

Pg 6 – It’s taken me this long to figure out what the foreign language stuff is saying, but I like the device.

Pg 7 – The stepping out thing is simple, but great.

Pg 8 – The ending is effective.

Overall the story is a clean simple concept, told well.

I wonder if it would make sense to add a scene that shows him arriving at the house.

Philip

George,

I thought this was pretty routine.  Parts of it I liked -- pretty much everything up to Pierre I thought was okay.  After that it took a road that lots of other entries have taken where it's a chase through the house and then weird things come out of the blue to mess with the characters.  So, Senora Chavez and Franz I wasn't big on, nor was I with Gina's final stand and Chris just bailing immediately.  What was that about?  What did work was the ending - that was creepy.  I've seen it before - in fact, I was involved with an independent short that had that exact same ending except with an insane asylum - so I liked where you took it but wasn't too hot on how it got there.

That said, I do see what you were trying to do with it but I think for 10 pages it doesn't work.  A little fleshing out and I can see this working better.  Still routine, but not bad.  Nice job.

Greg

I didn't quite get what was supposed to be going on in the house. Michael and Gina seem to wander around and meet different sorts of people. More like a series of events than a coherent story, ala Alice in Wonderland.