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(H)eat of Wartime by Anonymous - Short, Drama - Among the survivals of a war, one man must overcome his food philosophies in order to save a seven year old vegan girl. - pdf, format
1) There's way too much going on the span of just 10 pages. I'll commend you on going out on a limb with a wartime disaster zone setting, but after that the story was really rocky and the flashbacks didn't do it any favors.
2) Possibly even more major is that this was hard to read and I'm going to guess English isn't your first language, as the grammar and sentence structure was very challenging. And for some reason there was a space between the end of the sentence and a question mark ? <---like that.
This was a very noble effort at drama, so I'll give you credit for that. But it just didn't work for me. I'm sorry, but I really don't have time to get to the what's and why's right now. Maybe later.
I'll point out a typo on page 9 just to prove I read it: Some fruits fall to the ground, as the man gets to his destiny. Shouldn't it be be destination? Or I dunno, maybe you meant destiny. It's all subjective.
Again, noble effort. Keep working on it. This story may have potential. For me it kinda had a "Children Of Men" feel to it.
Well, I better apologize right now, cause this is really horrible...horrible in every way.
Now if this is a joke and meant to be horrible, than you have succeeded...it's very, very funny.
If it's meant to be taken seriously, I apologize. As another post considered, maybe English isn't your first language cause there are so many crazy mistakes in here, I really almost have to believe it's intentional.
Two titles for the price of one. Stones and birds.
NOt entirely sure why you'd leave 'glasses' as 'glassES'. Might be deliberate. The author might tell later. Or perhaps not.
Quite visual. Little or no dialogue throughout. I know where I am while reading it. All that's on the plus side of things.
Some of the writing could be improved. But that's always the case. There is some writing and planning in here methinks.
Interesting idea, premise and use of 'da rools'.
Not sure I got all of the author's intentions.
I'd like to have seen a few more action lines to illustrate some of the dialogue. But I usually say that. Everyone does it different. Twould be dull if we did it the same.
A very grim setting and fairly depressing story. Nevertheless some good stuff within it.
Huh? This was really awkward and tough to read I'm afraid. Maybe I missed something but how are the two men able to talk to each other when it appears their shops are not right next to each other. And with a war taking place outside how can they hear over the noise?
Sorry but I think the idea here may have been good, but the execution is really lacking. Needs a good proofread to help make it more comprehensible. Congrats on finishing the challenge though.
Too many things happen here. I was lost on my way. Too messy. (what's the point about the pregnant woman? That's horrible!!!)
I won't comment about grammatical or akward sentences (English isn't my first language either), but try to follow my advice: be as simple as possible. Do not try to translate from your own language to English literally. Synthetize. That's what I intended to do in my last scripts even if it's not that easy.
I had hard time understanding the set up - who were the rebels, were these people not supposed to eat veggies and fruits? I know Roven's girl had a cancer but they talk about the cancer as if most of them are supposed to get it...
A bit unbelievable for me. Both of them would eat meat if cornered, I think.
I liked how you integrated the argument into the story - that was good - I think that's what the challenge was about. So, good job on this.
With more clarity this could be pretty good. I also think that you need to work on presentation. Maybe you could say that you characters speak with an accent? Because they do, I think.
The story itself is interesting. Two things going on. Due to a war we have people starving. One father and daughter are vegans trapped in a steakhouse with lots of bbq'd chickens, but they prefer not to eat them even though they are starving. Conflict there which is good. Second thing going on is the argument that Roven's daughter got cancer because she ate meat and possibly other cancer causing things vs. Eric's argument that he and his daughter will live to be a 100 by being vegans.
In short, good idea, that needs a big rewrite for ease of reading and following the story.
The core thing with any script and the only thing that truly matters is: how good is the story. The main thing hampering the script is the odd phrasing and approach to telling the story. At times, it's difficult to make sense of what is to be shown on the screen, and I would assume that's because the writer is thinking too much about the actual words, rather than the overall composition. It's needlessly overwritten. In my view, the story doesn't really cover the ground lost; sure, it's got some kind of parent grief and a world in ruins, but it's doesn't have a sufficiently unique premise.
It's ok, and is passable considering the constraints of the challenge, but it was frustrating to read and I personally saw little to take from it thematically, that I haven't seen many times before.
Huh? This was really awkward and tough to read I'm afraid. Maybe I missed something but how are the two men able to talk to each other when it appears their shops are not right next to each other. And with a war taking place outside how can they hear over the noise?
Sorry but I think the idea here may have been good, but the execution is really lacking. Needs a good proofread to help make it more comprehensible. Congrats on finishing the challenge though.
Cheers, Tim.
I usually don't read other people's crits until I finish my own, but in this case I was just too curious.
The message from Tim is one of the first questions I had and went back to read it again part way because I thought I had missed something. I thought maybe he was telepathic or something. Seriously, I thought it was going to be like that.
I want to say now that I think the writer should keep writing because there's something in this that I really like. Maybe it's the confusion? Seriously, although I jest with myself, I feel like you are hitting certain notes spot on although it's buried in the confusion, if that makes any sense.
Because I just don't have enough time, my main piece of advice is to keep writing if you're serious. Or even if you're not serious and it's a Whatthehell.
You know what I thought about this dialogue:
ROVEN Kids are supposed to eat candies and hamburgers and donuts and all the shit in the world. You’re not supposed to lock them in an intellectual prison they won’t understand, about how unethical it is to kill the fucking animals. (beat) Submit yourself to that unpleasant life you don’t believe in, but leave kids out of this.
I thought that in the right script it would be excellent and in the wrong script it would be for the shredder.
We could start a whole big thread on that in the future and I think it's important to mention.
Do I like that bit of dialogue here? It was both no and yes and I think it's no because the character isn't built enough because we're in a short, but yes if we had a whole movie to learn a character and he said that because why? Because he damn well said it and everyone can fuck off.
Keep writing because that's all we can do around here anyways!
The title is a neat construction, although I wonder if outside this challenge I’d be scratching my head.
Pg 1 – “Buildings in flames...” - You got a couple of notable typos in this paragraph. This kind of thing always looks bad, but especially when it is close to the beginning.
The set up is interesting, however for me it is overly described. What I mean by that is that the blocks of text feel long and the wording of the descriptions could be shorter and punchier.
Pg 5 – Their debate is interesting, but perhaps the story seems a little one dimensional at this point.
Pg 7 – Given their predicament their debate seems a little odd.
Pg 10 – The ending has a dramatic visual.
Overall I like the premise and you’ve got some solid cinematic visuals, but perhaps the execution of it didn’t engage me.
I'm not too sure the script works. You spent quite a while describing the scenery, it's better to get to some action right off the bat.
The scene cuts are very roughly done. I was very confused at first because I couldn't picture what's going on. After the explosion, we're in the steakhouse but we can here Roven's voice?
You should lead the faint voice in the grocery store to the voice in the steakhouse. Now that's how the audience can make connections.
I liked the first flashback. It shows how they came to be and what Eric is as a father.
The conversation then took a strange turn discussing who's responsible for whose deaths. The second flashback doesn't work here because it didn't tell us any new information. Also, don't need to describe what types of food in the tray.
The action finally comes at the bottom of page 8. I was actually rooting for Roven to get across to the steakhouse. But the conflict appears too late to have any strong impact on the story.
Not bad, good effort though.
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
I looked over the other comments, so I'll leave out the obvious commentaries on the awkward phrases and such, and encourage you to continue your study of English to iron out these little issues. Writing helps that.
On the one hand, it was an interesting take on the theme and such. On the other, it comes off as really heavy handed. We all know it was the challenge, but outside of this OWC, this script would come off as a very, very deliberate attempt to insert opinions on the vegan lifestyle. It really doesn't fit in the situation at all.
And the pregnant woman bit was just distasteful. I don't care what you were going for, it was inappropriate in any instance.
Now, you do have a knack for the visuals, which is a plus. In the right situation with the right topic, this script might be ok, but as an attempt to toss in a bizarre debate/opinion on veganism versus omnivorousness, it just comes off as weird.
Cardinal rule #1, which may have previously been stated, is that Less is more. Short, succinct, and to the point.
Story really confused me. Roven is trapped in a grocery store. Eric and Ann are in a steakhouse. Two separate interior spaces. I don't get how they can talk to each other. Through the water draining grill?
I also don't get the vegan connection. Is it because of the chemo that she can't eat meat?
Who were the rebels? Why would they kill a naked, pregnant woman, other than just being mean? Are they terrorists?
I'm lost. Sorry can't be more helpful.
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
I think Roven only believed that he was talking to Eric. In his insanity over the war, he himself thought he was going nuts.
Maybe Eric represented Roven as a failed father figure. The pregnant woman being shot could represent Roven's thoughts about his own family being dead.
So many ways to read into the characters. I wonder if that's what the author had in mind.
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.