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This is very good. It's interesting. it kept me scrolling. I like the ending. It's subtle like the script so it fits and it leaves the reader wondering what will happen to the two.
The subtext that slap shot commented on didn't bother me. I know you're not s'posed to include it. But I really like lines like that that help bring me into the story. And when I read them, i don't feel like I'm inside the character's head, but watching body language, facial expressions...stuff like that. There are other ways to communcate such things tho. So idk. Shrugs.
Back to the story. I lked the dialogue and the actions lines. Overall very creative.
This is very good. It's interesting. it kept me scrolling. I like the ending. It's subtle like the script so it fits and it leaves the reader wondering what will happen to the two.
The subtext that slap shot commented on didn't bother me. I know you're not s'posed to include it. But I really like lines like that that help bring me into the story. And when I read them, i don't feel like I'm inside the character's head, but watching body language, facial expressions...stuff like that. There are other ways to communcate such things tho. So idk. Shrugs.
Back to the story. I lked the dialogue and the actions lines. Overall very creative.
Re: Subtext
This is simplified, but the way of I think of subtext is that it is
UNWRITTEN
It's the intention behind the words.
The following is Quoted from "The Mystery of Subtext" by Hal Croasman.
The Mystery of Subtext by Hal Croasmun
For most people, subtext is the most illusive of all the writing skills. You ask a screenwriting teacher about subtext and you'll get a vague answer that will leave you confused, but won't provide any real insight. Why? Because many of the best writers of subtext operate primarily from intuition. So they don't have a conscious structure they can teach.
But there is a structure to subtext and it can be learned. The quality of your dialogue can be dramatically improved by building in meaningful subtext. Well written subtext is the mark of a professional writer. On the other hand, constant on-the-nose (OTN) dialogue is the mark of an amateur writer.
Below, I've analyzed the subtext in the first three pages of AS GOOD AS IT GETS written by Mark Andrus and James J. Brooks. When you read it, along with my notes, you'll understand why producers say that they can tell if a writer is any good in the first five pages. Keep in mind that this is what you're up against when you send a script in.
Remember, subtext plays a vital role in bringing a script to life. It takes the movie from an external projection on a screen to an internal experience that an audience can live and enjoy.
Read my notes from these three pages and you'll understand why subtext is so important.
AS GOOD AS IT GETS
ANGLE ON apartment doorway. As it opens and an enormously SWEET-FACED, ELDER
WOMAN steps out, bundled up against the cold -- turning back to call inside to the unseen love of her long life.
SWEET-FACED WOMAN I'm just going to get some flowers, dear. I'll be back in twenty minutes. It's tulip season today. I'm so happy.
And now she turns and faces the hallway... her sweetness dissolves in a flash... replaced by repulsion and that quickly she has reversed herself and re-entered her apartment... closing the door as we consider her vacated.
SUBTEXT NOTE: Without a word from Melvin or the Sweet-faced woman, we get the message that Melvin turns people off. This does two things. First, it delivers a subtext message about Melvin. Second, it sets up future subtext by instantly causing us to suspect anything Melvin says.
***
We are watching what is being acted, but it doesn't coincide with what's really happening.
This was a very good read... Felt more romance in this script then in most. Mainly because i liked the two chracters, which is essential for showing them falling inlove. If we don't like them, we don't buy it.
very well written, I can tell whomever wrote it is experienced.
Ah but, eventhough i can see some of your lyrics representing your story, you did not incorporate them into it....
It's the "Pretty Woman" scenario that we all loved so...
my two biggest issues with this is that there was too much subtext in the description ("chris isn't sure if this is a rhetorical question or not."...how do we see that...remember you can only write what we see/hear) and the was straight forward ("can i ask you a question?") and the dialog was "one voiced"...if you white out the character slugs, you can't tell who's lines are who's...
I don't thing your issue is subtext as much as it is what you're "supposed" to write in a screenplay. How do we "see." That's a much debated subject, as least here on SS. So you have those that will say write what ever you want as long as it propels the story forward. Others will say, "WTF, you can't shoot that, so get rid of it."
Subtext is what Sandra quoted. It's the opposite of on-the-nose dialogue. The pilot of LOST had a scene where a giant jet engine was running (forget the logic for this discussion) and a guy got sucked in and the thing blew up. On-the-nose would be a character saying out loud, "Wow! Did you see that? That guy just got sucked in the engine and it blew up!" Duh. Subtext is like, oh I don't know, "Didn't need a pilot anyway." And I guess the subtext is that the plane is in bits and pieces already, allbeit weak.
So Chris White has an action line in it...Chris thinks the proposal over. Oh my God, how do you shoot someone thinking? A tilt of the head? Finger to the chin?
A good example of subtext in White is when Charly needs a business location. We have mystery and subtext, revealed quickly.
INT. PARKING GARAGE - LATER
Charly leads Chris to an Attendant’s Booth. They find the ATTENDANT, feet propped up comfortably, reading The Wall Street Journal, chewing on a tootsie pop.
CHARLY Where’s Barry?
ATTENDANT Barry’s not here.
CHARLY I see that. Where is he?
ATTENDANT Minivan rolled over his foot, a Plymouth I think. Anyway, he’s not here.
A small kink in Charly’s plans. She improvises.
CHARLY You know how it works?
The Attendant looks to Chris who’s beginning to think twice about all this.
ATTENDANT Barry might have mentioned something.
Charly slips him a twenty dollar bill.
CHARLY Something spacious.
He slips her a set of keys.
ATTENDANT Second level, yellow Hummer.
CHARLY Gracias.
The suspense is the business arragement the garage has with Charly. We don't quite understand what is going on right away, but by the end of the scene, we do. The subtext is the Attendant responding to Charly's questioning him if he knows how it works. The subtext line is "Barry might have mentioned something." The subtext is "Yes, Barry told me all about this arrangement you have with doing your business in someone's parked vehicle, but since Barry is not here, and you want me to keep my mouth shut, and get a vehicle, it will cost you some money. I'm thinking twenty dollars ought to be enough to keep my mouth shut, since I don't want to be greedy and ask for fifty dollars, because you might not pay that amount and I'd be out of at least something, so that's why I'm thinking twenty dollars should do it." On the nose would have been the Attendent saying all that. However subconcious it is, we pick up on it and Charly responds as well, with a twenty. The subtext of agreement is the Attendant giving her a set of keys. While it's a simple example, it holds up quite nicely.
All of the little action lines I think you call subtext, are not subtext at all. They are action lines.
CHRIS What do you think about sex?
CHARLY (Beat) Is that supposed to be funny?
CHRIS No.
Charly thinks about the question.
Freeze it right there. This is an action line, not subtext. My reference of "how do you shoot this?" Again...a tilt of the head, she takes a drag of the cigarette and give him a smile? To write all that might be tougher than what was actually written. And longer, too. An actor can act out the line given as is.
This short is filled with this kind of thing and I can see those lines expressed in their faces, their gestures. It's the actor's job to bring those lines to life. That's what I like about this short. It has those internal references that draw me into the characters, not just a bunch of action lines that become sanitary, robotic. It's important for me to care about these characters if the story is going to be successful, and I think the writer did what it took for me to get there. It's not going to resonate with everyone, but it resonates with me.
EDIT: Action is subtext to. What if, while in the Hummer (Hummer for a hummer, btw, and I don't think that was by accident, which is also subtext) Charly'd flicked her ashes on Chris' expensive suit?
Subtext is what Sandra quoted. It's the opposite of on-the-nose dialogue. The pilot of LOST had a scene where a giant jet engine was running (forget the logic for this discussion) and a guy got sucked in and the thing blew up. On-the-nose would be a character saying out loud, "Wow! Did you see that? That guy just got sucked in the engine and it blew up!" Duh. Subtext is like, oh I don't know, "Didn't need a pilot anyway." And I guess the subtext is that the plane is in bits and pieces already, allbeit weak.
[Some quote omitted See original post.]
EDIT: Action is subtext to. What if, while in the Hummer (Hummer for a hummer, btw, and I don't think that was by accident, which is also subtext) Charly'd flicked her ashes on Chris' expensive suit?
Thank you so very much, Clorox, for your contribution here. I think it's one that we should continue in the future, and keep our minds focused on as we write.
Assimilating the concept of subtext isn't easy. That's why we have a hard time defining it explicitly-- because IT'S NOT EXPLICIT. That's the thing. It's a very internal thing that the audience GETS.
The Attendant looks to Chris who’s beginning to think twice about all this.
ATTENDANT Barry might have mentioned something.
Charly slips him a twenty dollar bill.
CHARLY Something spacious.
He slips her a set of keys.
ATTENDANT Second level, yellow Hummer.
CHARLY Gracias.
The suspense is the business arragement the garage has with Charly. We don't quite understand what is going on right away, but by the end of the scene, we do. The subtext is the Attendant responding to Charly's questioning him if he knows how it works. The subtext line is "Barry might have mentioned something." The subtext is "Yes, Barry told me all about this arrangement you have with doing your business in someone's parked vehicle, but since Barry is not here, and you want me to keep my mouth shut, and get a vehicle, it will cost you some money. I'm thinking twenty dollars ought to be enough to keep my mouth shut, since I don't want to be greedy and ask for fifty dollars, because you might not pay that amount and I'd be out of at least something, so that's why I'm thinking twenty dollars should do it." On the nose would have been the Attendent saying all that.
This is not how I read it. "You know how it works?" - perhaps she never done this there, she's trying the Attendant. ATTENDANT "Barry might have mentioned something" - as if he knows how stuff works around there. The rest is pretty straightforward for me. Twenty for a Hummer (or so I think).
Just thinking it's funny that we read it differently. Isn't it funny?
This is not how I read it. "You know how it works?" - perhaps she never done this there, she's trying the Attendant. ATTENDANT "Barry might have mentioned something" - as if he knows how stuff works around there. The rest is pretty straightforward for me. Twenty for a Hummer (or so I think).
Just thinking it's funny that we read it differently. Isn't it funny?
It is funny and very beautiful too. Because when we start asking each other questions regarding our personal perceptions, it seems to elevate us, enlighten us, and bring us higher, as we climb a most certain ladder towards a freedom that is destined to be owned by us, and by all-- at the same equivocal time.
Our task is to be engaged with this process at all times... And not be as Zombies-- as Betty in "Broadway Betty" describes. See the thread for details on this, but I think:
But bleed it. Sweat it. Connect with it. Work it.
The beauty is in the work and the connection. There is no other way.
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