The first script I've read that has mostly action over dialogue so that's impressive considering the constraints. The dialogue was okay for me. I don't know - I just cringe whenever I watch "Transformers" or something similar when someone says "This Earth is mine..." or "Earth shall be mine one city at a time..."

But I'm nitpicking on the dialogue. It doesn't take away from the fact that it has good action, considering the constraints. Good job with this one.

Cheese-tastic title.  Really rolls off the tongue .

I liked the actual writing here more than the story.  Crisp, concise action all the way through.  But I wasn't entirely sure what was going on.  The Jesus-alien takes over Devin's body, and uses Old spice to cover up his alien stink.  I got that.  Although it was funny to see an alien using an Elvis avatar on the Ipad, I'm not certain what that part brought to the story.

Maybe if it was just Pandora vs. Devin this would have worked better for me.  The other alien chick didn't add much to the plot, IMO.  It's just that I would have liked to known more about the woman in the photo who Devin was avenging.  

A twist ending might have made this work even better.  Instead of showing the alien break Devin's neck and take over his body at the beginning, reveal at the very end end that Devin is, in fact, an alien.  Just a thought.

Overall, real solid writing for one week.

Pure comic fantasy this one with lots of hyperbole thrown in, but you gotta lose that title: ExtraTERRORestrial - cringe, sorry.

As far as the writing goes - sorry I do not agree with the others. Some of the writing is on the money, but some of it is not good. I think that the actual story is what carries this - plenty of action and colour. Might work better in animation.

Lots of punctuation/grammar issues here as well. For example: 'Did you think you could play me like a fiddle stupid man' - 'unstrong' and 'site' instead of sight, to name a few.

Yep, okay it's a seven day deadline etc. but overall it doesn't read that well to me.

Having said that, it's a bit of fun.

Pg 1:  
You said in your description that “as if he descended from the heavens above.”  Then later described him like he was Jesus.  Take out one or the other.  Both together seem repetitive and takes something away.

Pg 2:
Wow, Jesus just did a naked choke hold on him!  Just kidding.  On to the story.

Pg 3:
Jesus snapping necks and now lesbians on the I-pad screen?  This better be good.  Make sure you put “women” and not “girls.”  Just so you know.
Now MIMES!!  What's next????

Pg 4:
Are you telling me that other worldly beings can still connect to an I-pad?  Did Steve Jobs write this before he died?  No disrespect to the late Mr. Jobs, but that is some Apple love!

Pg 5:
Of Course, Elvis!

Pg 6:
Should be “sight” not “site”.
Pandora should be all caps on intro.

Pg 8:
Pandora just left the room and she didn't hear him smash his hand through the wall?  Wait, Jesus, lesbians, mime, Laura Croft, and Elvis – you're right she didn't hear a thing.  My bad.  Moving on.

Pg 9:
“It’s been a long time since I relished a human assassination.”  Vespa was human?  She could make you spontaneously combust just looking into her eyes, and she's human?

Pg 10:
Old Spice!  Gotta love it!  Now that's funny!
Again, with the human reference.  He's not human.  He took over a human body.  Am I being too picky here?

Pg 11:
“The ill air! No!”  This almost sounds like the Wicked Witch of the West as she was dying.  Probably could have left this line out.
Not sure if I figured out the ending.

I guess I should first say good job completing a script for this challenge.  There is a lot of SFX in this, which violates one of the rules.  There really wasn't any choice between good/evil.  They really didn't take refuge from the storm, in fact, they created it.  Other than that, it was an entertaining read.  As you see in my notes, this seemed to me in the style of Bubba Ho-Tep.  I hope that you weren't writing this as a serious piece, and if you did I am sorry it didn't come off that way to me.  Like I said, Jesus cracking necks, lesbians, mime, Elvis, Laura Croft, more lesbians, and the witch from Wizard of Oz, made it too funny for it to be serious.  Fun to read, but that was it.

The writing here is expert.  I usually struggle with these types of stories, not my cup of tea, but I breezed right through it.  

A unique take on the challenge.  Again, not my type of story at all but I appreciate the effort and creativity that went into it.

Great job with this difficult OWC.

This was good. I liked the use of the hurricane. Visually interesting characters.

I liked the story line, but in the end I was still a little lost - felt like I missed something.

Good job.

Motel: Yes
Micro Budget: No
Hurricane: Yes – Pandora brought her own
Characters: No – Comic bookish but not odd. None memorable except maybe Elvis. Dialogue was fun though also comic bookish.
Decision: Maybe – Missing a cusp of the moment point
Supernatural: Yes – apparent from beginning
Very good. It was a fun romp. Writing was well done. A couple of nits:
“Vesta slowly pulls out a gem covered DAGGER but not fast
enough.” SLOWLY but not fast enough?
“PITCH BLACK darkness.” No need for darkness.
“I-Pad” is copyrighted and should be “iPad” when referred to. Many software packages attempt to capitalize.
Misspelling of wrylie “to herself”

Well that was intense.

It was well written, dynamic and different. The two girls almost had a trinity from the matrix feel. Good, but almost a tad cliched with blue eye you could swim in etc

I did get a bit lost with all the Devin stuff etc and if anything because of all that I didn't feel emotional attachment, but then again it's a sci fi story set in a motel, so a lot to pull off.

Probably not so "wow" for me than others felt, manly I suppose because I didn't feel for the charterers or feel I routed for anybody. More of a spectator.

But...well done.

Excellent job. Well written. I liked the concept of the motel being the battleground and part of me had a Mortal Kombat feel to it. Just a great job overall! Congrats on the OWC.

The writing was excellant and the action was non stop... I dont think it fits in the budget..
Too Sci-fi for me... Aliens taking over bodies..

BUt overall a very good entry

Mark

I have seen a few people say this doesn't fit on budget. The only special effects I saw is three drops of water and some blood. None of the kills are really shown. Just wondering what special effects you guys are talking about here. Sound effects, all I saw were thunder and wind which are easily found royalty free online.

Props are an Ipad(which most people have)...the motel..and some sexy clothes...a dagger...a gun..and a throwing star..one piece of paneling...

It felt like a big budget piece because of the scifi comic-ish feel  ...but I didn't find a lot of big budget reading it.

Quoted from Pale Yellow Props are an Ipad(which most people have)

Way to just completely make me feel poor and out of the loop... Sad thing is, I don't even have a cell phone, let alone one of those fancy contraptions. Lol. =)

I do have a cell phone but no IPad however you spell it haha...really and my cell is a dark ages type it does have a camera though! Shazaaam!

Quoted from Pale Yellow It felt like a big budget piece because of the scifi comic-ish feel  ...but I didn't find a lot of big budget reading it.

No one said it was big budget. Just not micro budget.

Did u write this Dena?



Mark