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Okay, another apology is in order. I've been unresponsive and I apologize for that, but I haven't flaked on this project, I promise you.
I haven't gotten as much writing done as I would have liked to at this point, but I have done the bulk of the hard stuff, I believe.
The biggest change I've made is the completely new opening I added, which elucidates Gabriel's motivation for getting himself and his friends in the situation he creates.
It's probably a bit too long at 15 pages, but it helps the story, I think. What I have now neatly segues into a version of Sandra's dream sequence that quickly leads into the main story, which I'm still tweaking.
If you like, I can email you all the new opening to give you some idea of what path I'm taking.
Thanks again for allowing me to take a turn at a rewrite, and I hope I haven't pushed your patience too far.
Good writing for this sneak preview. I can tell you worked hard on this one and would like to see where it takes us. Remember, the two biggest criticisms of the original were too much time on character intros and too much time before the ring is stolen. No need to change anything, Just a reminder.
Good writing for this sneak preview. I can tell you worked hard on this one and would like to see where it takes us. Remember, the two biggest criticisms of the original were too much time on character intros and too much time before the ring is stolen. No need to change anything, Just a reminder.
Gary
Yes, Gary. I agree absolutely that had been the case. In my rewrite, I tried most of the introductions as "costumed individuals" that denote something about aspects of their personality.
I've just finished reading the fifteen pages that you sent to me, Pete. I really feel good about how you've painted Gabriel. We see his arrogance. I also enjoy seeing a clear set up of Gabriel's situation. It's got a certain amount of good snap to it.
I would like to work on more snap though and cut back on some of the dialogue with Bernie and try and move it ahead quicker. Also, I'd like to see tension between Gabriel and Darnell. In backstory work, that I had created, Gabriel and Darnell are cousins and there was a love/hate relationship between them.
It's unclear to me how this all works together if we move Darnell to L.A. I had Darnell staying home in Sidbury (West coastal town) looking after his uncle Logan and getting "it" in portions with Jeana, who is obsessed with the Heisberg history in all of its colors.
I feel it's not certain (to the audience) that Gabriel is "just gay", but rather, he's had tendencies that have fluctuated, but the meaning is deeper. I don't see him stating he's gay because he's not "this or that". He's very different.
The location of Gabriel's friends and family, were, it seemed located on and around the coastal town of Sidbury and "they" hold resentment towards his leaving them, but they don't really realize the depth of his situation and what his father, Logan, has requested he do. In fact, it's not a request, but a cast in stone identity that he must acquire, although he's been running from it-- through his acting, and to the point of running away to Hollywood to ignore it.
It is essential, if we are to raise this above just another Hollywood production, that we continue to work on these aspects of Gabriel's character and his relationship with the group. I believe it is key to the success of this all in all.
Once it is decided we (at least temporarily) are satisfied with the first 10-15 or so, we can try and work this through and if we come to some mutual agreement, I will submit this to a couple of guys I have met who are into filming and directing.
This will need to be gone over and gone over and gone over...
You've done some very very nice work here, Pete and I compliment you.
I'll work on trying to tighten some of what you've done and see if I can't build in some tension. Also, can we all agree to make the place of the group's history a coastal town? We have opportunity for sunsets, fogs, rain... all that good stuff if we do. And the benefit too is that it provides good juxtaposition with an L.A. lifestyle...
Granted, it's probably moot because if this were to get some filming here in Alberta, we'd probably be looking at Sylvan Lake as our waterfront and Edmonton or Calgary as our city.
Good writing for this sneak preview. I can tell you worked hard on this one and would like to see where it takes us.
Thanks.
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Remember, the two biggest criticisms of the original were too much time on character intros...
Yes, I recall that. The others are introduced very quickly in contrast to Gabriel, and we get to know them all as they interact. I just felt it was necessary to give a little more to Gabe since he instigates the whole thing.
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...and too much time before the ring is stolen.
The theft will occur earlier in my draft, but I'm not sure how much earlier at the moment. I plan to incorporate a series of thefts, literal and figurative.
Yes, go for it Pete! Don't hesitate to email me and I will stay on top with you and Gary in an effort to keep it tight and work on as many elements as we can together.
The visuals are pictures I took in Richmond, (Vancouver) ...and years ago, none of that was there. It's where I met my husband at the fish cannery when I had just turned 16.
When I started working on Thief, I actually imagined a market to be there. LITTLE DID I KNOW... So when I was down there in May, I almost fell flat!!!
Anyways, I think we have a helluva lot of backstory and a helluva lot of character. Allz we have to do is put it together. (That's all she says! ) Ok, maybe there's a little more to it, but meh to that!
...In my rewrite, I tried most of the introductions as "costumed individuals" that denote something about aspects of their personality.
My version of that dream sequence will be more dreamy. Its purpose in my draft is not to introduce the characters but to remind Gabriel of them, and to give a hint of what he thinks of them.
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I've just finished reading the fifteen pages that you sent to me, Pete. I really feel good about how you've painted Gabriel. We see his arrogance. I also enjoy seeing a clear set up of Gabriel's situation. It's got a certain amount of good snap to it.
Thanks, that's what I was going for.
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I would like to work on more snap though and cut back on some of the dialogue with Bernie and try and move it ahead quicker.
I'd prefer to keep their conversation pretty much the way it is (it could be tighter), but I could easily trim his interaction with the receptionist and young actress.
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Also, I'd like to see tension between Gabriel and Darnell. In backstory work, that I had created, Gabriel and Darnell are cousins and there was a love/hate relationship between them.
There's a little tension there now, but I don't want to get into that too soon. They are still cousins in my draft, that comes into play later. Perhaps I'll reference it in their first scene together, that's probably a good idea.
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It's unclear to me how this all works together if we move Darnell to L.A. I had Darnell staying home in Sidbury (West coastal town) looking after his uncle Logan and getting "it" in portions with Jeana, who is obsessed with the Heisberg history in all of its colors.
I'll be frank, big hunks of your backstory don't exist in my draft. There are hints of it, but some specifics have changed.
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I feel it's not certain (to the audience) that Gabriel is "just gay", but rather, he's had tendencies that have fluctuated, but the meaning is deeper. I don't see him stating he's gay because he's not "this or that". He's very different.
I intend to elaborate on that in the script. In my pages you've read so far, he never states that he is gay, other characters say it. I want to lead the audience into assuming that, then play with their expectations later.
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The location of Gabriel's friends and family, were, it seemed located on and around the coastal town of Sidbury...
I went with the original "Simply, Michigan" in my draft, I suppose it doesn't matter much. It could still be a coastal town.
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...and "they" hold resentment towards his leaving them
That resentment will still be there.
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...but they don't really realize the depth of his situation and what his father, Logan, has requested he do. In fact, it's not a request, but a cast in stone identity that he must acquire, although he's been running from it-- through his acting, and to the point of running away to Hollywood to ignore it.
Some of that survives in my draft. Gabriel is still, in some way, fighting for Logan's approval, though in my draft Logan is already dead.
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This will need to be gone over and gone over and gone over...
Of course, that's why I'm not too concerned with removing or adding elements to the story. I know the next writer may bring back some stuff (just as I have brought back things from Gary's draft that were changed in Sandra's) and also introduce new things.
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You've done some very very nice work here, Pete and I compliment you.
Thank you very much. I hope some of it lives on in the next draft.
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I'll work on trying to tighten some of what you've done and see if I can't build in some tension.
Okay, but too much tension too soon can get tiresome. I think we just need set up situations that lead to tension. Forced "tension" can be melodramatic and soap opera-like.
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Also, can we all agree to make the place of the group's history a coastal town? We have opportunity for sunsets, fogs, rain... all that good stuff if we do. And the benefit too is that it provides good juxtaposition with an L.A. lifestyle...
Sure, a coastal town is fine with me.
I'll try to give you all an update fairly soon. I should have more time to write and be online in the near future.
Thank you very much. I hope some of it lives on in the next draft.
Okay, but too much tension too soon can get tiresome. I think we just need set up situations that lead to tension. Forced "tension" can be melodramatic and soap opera-like.
~Pete
With respect to tension, it needs to be more as subtext and nothing forced, but implied. Even a piece of furniture can be the source of tension and not dialogue.
It's the actions that DO speak louder than words.
At this present time, I do not wish to change too much of what you have written except to compress some of it. I'm very good at saving teensy-tiny space. I can definitely pinch the pennies if I need to.
As we move forward, things will become more clarified. I'm sure many lights will go on that will be fun to watch as they flicker.
I've done some trimming and tightening on the opening scenes - it's now a leaner 12 pages (11 and 1/3 really). I'm going to try to get a least a few more pages done over the weekend, I'll you know how it goes.
I'd prefer to keep their conversation pretty much the way it is (it could be tighter), but I could easily trim his interaction with the receptionist and young actress.
Yes, I agree. Keep most of what we've got with Bernie. The thing I like about Bernie is that he sees Gabriel in a particular light and knows that Gabriel's head is screwed up and Gabriel really, it seems has "self sabotaged" himself by not taking what's offered.
In fact, it might not just be his arrogance that has caused him to turn down those deals although it sure does seem that way.
I'll be frank, big hunks of your backstory don't exist in my draft. There are hints of it, but some specifics have changed.
That's good. We don't need loads of backstory weighing down our pages. All the backstory exists, but it doesn't stream on the surface, but underneath in "the currents".
I intend to elaborate on that in the script. In my pages you've read so far, he never states that he is gay, other characters say it. I want to lead the audience into assuming that, then play with their expectations later.
This is important. For the actor who plays him, it's a very critical decision on our part here because there's so much that can be done in this regard. It's really a loaded element working in Gabriel's persona and how it's defined from his point of view and others' perspectives. Of course we all know, how we see ourselves, and how others see us, is often quite different.
Some of that survives in my draft. Gabriel is still, in some way, fighting for Logan's approval, though in my draft Logan is already dead.
Aha!!! And now we have the beautiful nugget that "I've been searching for"... For a long while now, I saw Logan faking his own death in order to "release" Jeana from "their relationship" and thereby release himself of his known sins. As much as he loves Jeana, he wants her to be with Gabriel because Gabriel is "the marked man", but I'm not sure if he knows/knew of Jeana's affairs with Darnell who always resented the fact that Gabriel was favored by Logan.
Remember, Gabriel IS Logan's son by blood and Jeana "came as a packaged daughter" along with her mother, Emma Forest when Emma married Logan. Emma's name changed to "Heisberg" when she married, but they never changed Jeana's last name in memory of "Jake Forest", her real father. (Big story behind that too.) Jeana's mother was murdered by a doctor who performed abortions, but he bought himself out through the corrupt use of the justice system.
Point in all that is: Jeana was raised along with Gabriel in the Heisberg mansion as brother and sister basically although they never were by blood and the entire group subsisted a great deal by good favors that were bestowed upon them from Logan. Logan arranged (unbeknownst to Gabriel) his first connections in L.A. and had encouraged Jeana to go with him, but Jeana refused to leave Logan who was/is suffering from an unpredictable illness.
Logan realized that he needed "to die" in order for Jeana to go and be with Gabriel.
Now the question is: Since, Logan absolutely marked Gabriel to be the holder of the estate and there's no question about that...
Gabriel wouldn't need any money, right? BUT... Perhaps Logan also arranged "the lie" where Darnell's father, (Gabriel's uncle Flin) was given control over the estate and THIS... this really screws up Gabriel's mind because it's obvious what Gabriel's thinking now... "How could he exclude me?" and "This was all predetermined. He made it clear. And HOW many times!" Gabriel didn't want any part of any of it in no way shape or form and now... Now he flips it and maybe deep inside DOES want it?
I hope that helps to develop things as you work, Pete.
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Thief - Screenwriting Exercise/Game #12 Rewrite
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) Ok, maybe there's a little more to it, but meh to that! 
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