It seems that her change isn't singificant. IMO. Her change is secondary to the 2 mil. So, I don't think it's not necessary for this one.

This is a little more streamlined:

"Logline: It's finders keepers, losers weepers when four campers stumble upon a largebag of cash. Unfortunately for them, redneck hunters come looking for it.  And once they find it missing, they know exactly who to go after to get it..."

If you need a little more, you can start it with:  "Hilarity ensues when..."


Phil

It's finders keepers, losers weepers

...is an immediate turn off.  Sorry.   Even I have my limit on cliche sayings.   But you don't even need to say losers weepers because the title get that across.  

Four campers stumble upon a large bag of cash hidden deep in the wood but the bag's redneck owners are not happy when they come back to claim their stash and find it missing.  Lucky for them, they know who took.  This is gonna  be more fun than huntin' gator.  

I still think mine is the best. If I write it in colour and with GIFs would people notice it more?

Yours isn't bad Jonny, it's just on a page change and people haven't noticed it.  However, I think the mention of the other folks is probably important for flavour.  Yours kind of sounds like she's all alone.  I haven't read the whole script, so I don't know if yours works or not.

Quoted from mcornetto Yours isn't bad Jonny, it's just on a page change and people haven't noticed it.  However, I think the mention of the other folks is probably important for flavour.  Yours kind of sounds like she's all alone.  I haven't read the whole script, so I don't know if yours works or not.

I'm still thinking GIFs.

Also, I was just working off what Pia said:

"Some of you great people read the rough first draft. The story has changed quite a bit. Now the goth girl is the main character who survives. "

Main character = logline. I did include the friends, though.

I read the first third of the "most recent" draft and so I would agree that the girl is main character.  But I think you want to mention the rednecks at least.  They are going to be the main antagonist.  

Quoted from mcornetto I read the first third of the "most recent" draft and so I would agree that the girl is main character.  But I think you want to mention the rednecks at least.  They are going to be the main antagonist.

Okay, how about this:

A young woman with a troubled past makes an unexpected discovery while on a camping trip with friends - but instead of changing her life for the better, it may well lead to her death.

(At the hands of rednecks.)

I refuse to believe that's better.

Why do you feel the need to leave out the fact that the discovery is money?

What I don't like about that logline is that it's too generic.   I also get no idea of the tone of the script from reading it.

Quoted from mcornetto Why do you feel the need to leave out the fact that the discovery is money? What I don't like about that logline is that it's too generic.   I also get no idea of the tone of the script from reading it.

I hint to it in 'changing her life for the better'. I dunno, I just think that leaving mystery in the logline of a thriller is no bad thing. I hear the 'too generic comment', but then I disagree with the tone comment. I obviously haven't read the script, and I know Pia wrote it so it's likely to have a certain tone (that's a compliment, voice is good), but is it necessary to convey that in a logline? The generic categorization 'thriller' covers that, for me.

With my logline you might go 'ooh, what's the discovery?' And you'd have to read it to find out. Sure, you could mention the money. But is the fact that it's a duffel bag full of money crucial to the plot? Does anyone spend it? It could just as well be diamonds, or heroin. Or even a dead body (at a stretch). It's a MacGuffin. And MacGuffins don't always need naming.

Can't someone just ask Babz which she'd be more likely to read?

By the way, for future reference, I actually think a logline contest could be of use. Someone submits a script. People read it. And then they anonymously submit loglines, one of which is selected after debate and useful discussion.

Yes, the fact that it's a duffel bag full of money is crucial to the plot.  The reason is because when you picture a movie about a duffel bag full of money, you picture a different movie than one about a dead body.  The money is a key ingredient and it affects the way someone would view the logline.  

When I say I didn't get a feel for it. I didn't get a feel for the backwoods redneck element.  From what I understand Pia had to change the dialogue in the script so these people would sound more redneck.  I figure if someone made her have to change the dialogue then it must be a really important ingredient.

It isn't a contest Jon, so you can relax.  There's not going to be a right or wrong here - there's going to be a what Pia likes and that's about it.  

And this logline is for actors as I understand Pia's original post.  There should be drama in it and a feel for the cast needed.   Make it work for the occasion.

A double date Everglades camping trip turns deadly when backwoods thieves come looking for their hijacked fortune.

E.D.

Pia, a couple questions:

"CHUCK and DAVE (30’s) grit hunters, enter the gas station store, followed by the Hitchhiker. "

What is a grit hunter?

Also, where did the bag of money come from?  Did these two guys rob a bank?

A couples retreat turns deadly when they find a duffel bag full of cash in the murky backwaters of the everglades and have to contend with the crazed rednecks who claim it.

--Hey, it's late...

I like E.Ds