Hey guys,

I have a casting call scheduled for the feature film Finders Keepers on April 2nd. Today I'm writing the ad for that casting call. I hate writing loglines and I'm also really bad at them.

Anyone got any good suggestions? If it's a good one, I'll use it for the film itself too and I'll mention you in the credits.  

Some of you great people read the rough first draft. The story has changed quite a bit. Now the goth girl is the main character who survives. This is kind of a synopsis.

Thanks in advance for any suggestions.

Pia


A FJ cruiser passes up a HITCHHIKER (30). Inside the FJ MITCH, THOMAS, MAXINE and SIERRA (20’s) wonder if they should have given the man a ride. They don’t go back. They stop at a gas station. The clerk warns them about camping in the forest; recently a man was found inside a gator after having been shot.

CHUCK and DAVE (30’s) grit hunters, enter the gas station store, followed by the Hitchhiker. The hitchhiker recognizes the group and confronts them about leaving him at the side of the road. When he makes a crude remark to Maxine, Thomas comes to her rescue. The hitchhiker pulls out a knife. Dave and Chuck calm the hitchhiker down.

The friends leave and head to their destination in the forest. They arrive but have to hike to the camping area. Sierra isn’t too excited about camping.
She pulls out her “pink lady” .38 special to the other friends’ surprise. Sierra stuffs the gun in her bag. She wants protection. A spider climbs inside the bag.

At the campground, Sierra heads to the woods to find a private spot to use the “restroom.” She stumbles upon a sinkhole and notices sharp spikes sticking out with dried blood. Sierra also notices something blue sticking out of the ground. She digs it up; it is a duffle bag. Inside is two million dollars; she’s rich. She hears Mitch calling out for her and quickly hides the bag.

Back at camp Maxine gives Sierra a shovel that contains a hidden knife. Sierra takes the shovel and heads back to the woods. She buries the duffle bag. She turns around and comes face to face with Chuck and Dave. They want to know what she is doing. When they get to close she pulls out the knife; they tackle her, but let her go.

Maxine visits Sierra and Mitch in their tent. Something bites her hand. In the middle of the night Mitch wakes up; he hears a clang. Sierra is fast asleep. He goes to explore. Sierra turns over feels something touching her – it’s a rifle.

Chuck and Dave point their rifles at the friends. They demand their money. No one knows what they are talking about; Sierra looks down. When they threaten to start shooting, Sierra stops them. She can take them to the money; the others friends are shocked and mad that she had not told them about the money.

Sierra convinces Chuck and Dave to let her get her flashlight in her tent and she reaches in her bag.

Sierra leads the group into the forest but she is lost; she can’t remember where she buried it. Chuck and Dave lose their patience when suddenly they are staring at the “pink lady.” The other friends flee into the woods. Sierra has the upper hand until she trips; she flees as Chuck and Dave stalk them.

Maxine and Mitch hide; Maxine looks sick. She shows Mitch her discolored hand; she needs a doctor. They see something blue – it’s the duffle bag of money.

Sierra runs into Thomas when a SHOT is fired. Thomas is hit. Sierra helps Thomas until he can no longer move. Sierra tells Thomas how sorry she is and Thomas dies.

Chuck and Dave chase Sierra, she runs towards the sinkhole; Chuck doesn’t see it and falls in. He is impaled by the spikes. Dave continues after Sierra.

Sierra finds Maxine and Mitch. They carry Maxine and the money bag as far as they can. Maxine can’t breathe; she dies. Sierra tells Mitch they have to leave her body behind. They head back to the camp and find the car keys. Mitch blames Sierra for the death of his friends and they fight.

Dave aims his rifle and fires – shooting Mitch right through the head. Sierra is horrified.

Sierra gives the bag of money to Dave. He is about to kill her when she fires her gun. Dave is hit in the hand and shoulder. Sierra grabs the bag and runs to the car. Dave catches up and grabs her, but she pulls away. She starts up the car; Dave blocks her way; the car lurches forward and Dave disappears underneath the car. Sierra zooms away.

Sierra reaches the gas station and finds the clerk dead. She rushes back to the car. Shortly there after the hitchhiker appears in the backseat presses a knife against her neck. He makes her undress and leaves her by the side of the road as he takes her car and unknowingly the bag. He wants her to know how it feels for no one to pick her up. She watches as the car drives off leaving her in a cloud of dust.

A camping trip leads four friends to a fight for survival when one of them finds $2 mil in a bag.

What type of change does the goth girl go through? I think it should be incoporated in the logline. Just a suggestion.

Hope this helps
Gabe

Utilize "the Babz's rule"

Noun + Verb + Irony = Logline

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-babzbuzz/m-1296405843/

Quoted from screenrider Utilize "the Babz's rule" Noun + Verb + Irony = Logline http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-babzbuzz/m-1296405843/

As Babz would also be at pains to point out, that is in no way her rule. It's straight out of Save the Cat. And even in there Blake Snyder says he got it from his friend Colby Carr. Pedantic I know, but given the trouble we have here with people breaching intellectual copyright...

As for a logline - let me think on it.

The betrayal of friends over $2million found money forces them to fight for their lives when the owners come looking - and they're playing for keeps.

"The friendship of four campers are strained when one finds a sack of stolen money... and the two men wishing to claim it."

If that's not enough, add the following:  "Wackiness ensues when..."


Phil

Pia, sounds somewhat like A SIMPLE PLAN

Two brothers and a friend find $4 million in the cockpit of a downed plane. The pilot is dead. No one is looking for the money. To keep it, all they have to do is wait. IT ALL SOUNDED SO SIMPLE...

The tagline was "Sometimes good people do evil things."

Might help. Might not.

Gary

Quoted from JonnyBoy As Babz would also be at pains to point out, that is in no way her rule. It's straight out of Save the Cat. And even in there Blake Snyder says he got it from his friend Colby Carr. Pedantic I know, but given the trouble we have here with people breaching intellectual copyright...

Duly noted.

I've never read Save The Cat.   I thought it a was a Babz's thing.   My bad.

Four campers enrage a hitchhiker and two robbers while the campers clash over a found bag of $2 million.

Four campers clash over a found bag of $2 million after enraging a hitchhiker and two bounty hunters.

$2 million found money causes four campers to clash with each other.

A blue bag of $2 million cash found in the woods. Four campers find it, two robbers want it, and a nasty hitchhiker just wants vengeance.

Four friends clash over $2 million found in the woods on a camping trip.

A woman clashes with friends and treasure hunters after she finds $2 million cash in the woods.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley A camping trip leads four friends to a fight for survival when one of them finds $2 mil in a bag. What type of change does the goth girl go through? I think it should be incoporated in the logline. Just a suggestion. Gabe

Due to her troubled upbringing she's cold and tough. Throughout the story she changes as the reality starts to sink in. It's due to her actions people are dying around her.

Good suggestions!

I think it should be mentioned though that the goth girl, Sierra is the one who finds the money and her decision not to tell the others is how this all gets started.

Shouldn't that been mentioned?

Gary, yes, Simple Plan was a great movie. Kind of a crappy tagline though, don't you think?

Caught between the potential of joining humanity and escaping it altogether, the fateful decisions of a young woman trap her between loose friends, two million dollars and the men hunting for it.

---

Thoughts?
It's a bit long.

Just as two vacationing couples stumble upon a bag of cash, a pair of hunters know exactly who to go after once they find it missing and begin a deathly game of Finders Keepers.

---

Trouble ensues as two couples get more than they bargained for when they find a bag of cash.
LOL!
No.
Not really.

all good suggestions...

someone sent me this. Thoughts?

It's finders keepers, losers weepers as two couples stumble upon a bag of cash while vacationing in Florida's Ocala National Forest.  Unfortunately for the couples, a pair of redneck hunters come looking for the money, and once they find it missing, they know exactly who to go after to get it and it becomes a real deathly game of Finders Keepers...

Quoted from Grandma Bear all good suggestions... someone sent me this. Thoughts? It's finders keepers, losers weepers as two couples stumble upon a bag of cash while vacationing in Florida's Ocala National Forest.  Unfortunately for the couples, a pair of redneck hunters come looking for the money, and once they find it missing, they know exactly who to go after to get it and it becomes a real deathly game of Finders Keepers...

It sounds like it's missing Hilarity ensues.  It's too detached and not engaging enough.  You need to bring the concept out more and clearly.  protag action antag irony.  Make us involved - remember - this is a very short pitch.

I'm working partially off this - http://twoadverbs.site.aplus.net/loglinearticle.htm (sorry to go all Ray for a second). Also I'm using the same sort of breaking down process I use for my own loglines...I literally chuck the different elements on index cards, put them on a desk and rearrange them until I get something that sounds okay.

Okay, so NOUN + VERB + IRONY = logline. Also, it needs to tell us WHO and WHAT the script is about. Blake Snyder (again) has a great phrase, which he confesses to having borrowed at least partially from someone else: a logline blossoms in the brain. It shows you the whole movie, makes you want to pick up that script / DVD. It gives you the promise of what's to come, but doesn't have to tell the whole story. For instance - do you reveal in your logline that the owners of the money turn up? Or do you allow that twist to be found within the script? BUT will the logline be weaker without that crucial plot point?

Anyway...the NOUN here is clearly the group of friends. The VERB is finding the money. When I first read the synopsis I thought the IRONY was that the friends, who you might think would rally together, turn on each other. But then I don't think it actually is. So I think the 'strained relationships of friends' thing might not be the way to go.

There's a good point in that article I linked to that I'm gonna draw on now: ensembles still often have a lead. Sierra seems to be the main character here. So the logline should be about her. Really, that's the way to go I think. Maybe for a casting call it's not ideal because you want people to be interested in all the parts, but the film seems to be about Sierra, so the logline should be too. It's also easier to write a logline about one person. 'Four friends' is a bit bland.

NOUN: A troubled girl? A girl with a troubled past? A young woman with a troubled past? How central is that to her character, or is it 'sort of in the background'? Internal conflict is great for a character. Describing Jason Bourne as 'an assassin with no memory of who he is' is better than just 'an assassin'. So let's go with 'a young woman with a troubled past'. For now.

A young woman with a troubled past...

VERB: 'finds a duffel bag'. Probably too specific. But then it would make sense to mention the money. It's a great hook and a good element to include. A fortune. We all want to be rich. But maybe 'a windfall?' Or an 'unexpected discovery'? Maybe that. And do you have to mention the camping trip? Probably. It gives context.

A young woman with a troubled past makes an unexpected discovery while on a camping trip with friends...

See, some people would stop here. But you need...

IRONY: clearly this is that what should be good news ends up leading to violence and death. I don't think you need to mention the arrival of the owners. But 'strained relationships' or 'friends fighting amongst each other' seems to focus on the wrong aspects, since from your synopsis only a limited amount of infighting, largely towards the end. So it's probably best to keep with the fact that Sierra's discovery isn't what she'd hoped it would be. 'thinks her luck has changed'? 'it was not what she hoped for'? I like the 'changing her life but actually leading to her death' angle. That's irony.

A young woman with a troubled past makes an unexpected discovery while on a camping trip with friends - but instead of changing her life for the better, it may well lead to her death.'

That's got everything in it. It's a good start. It hints at everything, doesn't reveal the whole story but gives you the premise, and delivers the irony. You could definitely shorten it - brevity is king. But see what you think of that.

------------

EDIT: Based on the responses above, I'd say one thing: for me, superfluous detail is a real killer in loglines. Include it if it's necessary, and by that I mean central and crucial to the premise, but if not...don't bother. Names - never. Specific objects - why? I agree it's important that it's money, but you don't have to spell it out, particularly including the duffel bag. Naming the forest? Nuh-uh. Unless you're only planning to captive the local audience. Keep it general, keep it short, let it blossom rather than spelling everything out.

EDIT #2: On re-reading your synopsis, I see definite sequel potential - Dave might have survived, Sierra's abandoned, the hitchhiker has the money. So yeah. It's her film. Soon to be followed by Finders Keepers 2: Losers Weepers. Congrats on the whole production thing by the way!

EDIT #3: And I'll take that credit, if that was a genuine offer.

It seems that her change isn't singificant. IMO. Her change is secondary to the 2 mil. So, I don't think it's not necessary for this one.

This is a little more streamlined:

"Logline: It's finders keepers, losers weepers when four campers stumble upon a largebag of cash. Unfortunately for them, redneck hunters come looking for it.  And once they find it missing, they know exactly who to go after to get it..."

If you need a little more, you can start it with:  "Hilarity ensues when..."


Phil

It's finders keepers, losers weepers

...is an immediate turn off.  Sorry.   Even I have my limit on cliche sayings.   But you don't even need to say losers weepers because the title get that across.  

Four campers stumble upon a large bag of cash hidden deep in the wood but the bag's redneck owners are not happy when they come back to claim their stash and find it missing.  Lucky for them, they know who took.  This is gonna  be more fun than huntin' gator.  

I still think mine is the best. If I write it in colour and with GIFs would people notice it more?

Yours isn't bad Jonny, it's just on a page change and people haven't noticed it.  However, I think the mention of the other folks is probably important for flavour.  Yours kind of sounds like she's all alone.  I haven't read the whole script, so I don't know if yours works or not.

Quoted from mcornetto Yours isn't bad Jonny, it's just on a page change and people haven't noticed it.  However, I think the mention of the other folks is probably important for flavour.  Yours kind of sounds like she's all alone.  I haven't read the whole script, so I don't know if yours works or not.

I'm still thinking GIFs.

Also, I was just working off what Pia said:

"Some of you great people read the rough first draft. The story has changed quite a bit. Now the goth girl is the main character who survives. "

Main character = logline. I did include the friends, though.

I read the first third of the "most recent" draft and so I would agree that the girl is main character.  But I think you want to mention the rednecks at least.  They are going to be the main antagonist.  

Quoted from mcornetto I read the first third of the "most recent" draft and so I would agree that the girl is main character.  But I think you want to mention the rednecks at least.  They are going to be the main antagonist.

Okay, how about this:

A young woman with a troubled past makes an unexpected discovery while on a camping trip with friends - but instead of changing her life for the better, it may well lead to her death.

(At the hands of rednecks.)

I refuse to believe that's better.

Why do you feel the need to leave out the fact that the discovery is money?

What I don't like about that logline is that it's too generic.   I also get no idea of the tone of the script from reading it.

Quoted from mcornetto Why do you feel the need to leave out the fact that the discovery is money? What I don't like about that logline is that it's too generic.   I also get no idea of the tone of the script from reading it.

I hint to it in 'changing her life for the better'. I dunno, I just think that leaving mystery in the logline of a thriller is no bad thing. I hear the 'too generic comment', but then I disagree with the tone comment. I obviously haven't read the script, and I know Pia wrote it so it's likely to have a certain tone (that's a compliment, voice is good), but is it necessary to convey that in a logline? The generic categorization 'thriller' covers that, for me.

With my logline you might go 'ooh, what's the discovery?' And you'd have to read it to find out. Sure, you could mention the money. But is the fact that it's a duffel bag full of money crucial to the plot? Does anyone spend it? It could just as well be diamonds, or heroin. Or even a dead body (at a stretch). It's a MacGuffin. And MacGuffins don't always need naming.

Can't someone just ask Babz which she'd be more likely to read?

By the way, for future reference, I actually think a logline contest could be of use. Someone submits a script. People read it. And then they anonymously submit loglines, one of which is selected after debate and useful discussion.

Yes, the fact that it's a duffel bag full of money is crucial to the plot.  The reason is because when you picture a movie about a duffel bag full of money, you picture a different movie than one about a dead body.  The money is a key ingredient and it affects the way someone would view the logline.  

When I say I didn't get a feel for it. I didn't get a feel for the backwoods redneck element.  From what I understand Pia had to change the dialogue in the script so these people would sound more redneck.  I figure if someone made her have to change the dialogue then it must be a really important ingredient.

It isn't a contest Jon, so you can relax.  There's not going to be a right or wrong here - there's going to be a what Pia likes and that's about it.  

And this logline is for actors as I understand Pia's original post.  There should be drama in it and a feel for the cast needed.   Make it work for the occasion.

A double date Everglades camping trip turns deadly when backwoods thieves come looking for their hijacked fortune.

E.D.

Pia, a couple questions:

"CHUCK and DAVE (30’s) grit hunters, enter the gas station store, followed by the Hitchhiker. "

What is a grit hunter?

Also, where did the bag of money come from?  Did these two guys rob a bank?

A couples retreat turns deadly when they find a duffel bag full of cash in the murky backwaters of the everglades and have to contend with the crazed rednecks who claim it.

--Hey, it's late...

I like E.Ds

Quoted from mcornetto It isn't a contest Jon, so you can relax.  There's not going to be a right or wrong here - there's going to be a what Pia likes and that's about it.   And this logline is for actors as I understand Pia's original post.  There should be drama in it and a feel for the cast needed.   Make it work for the occasion.

Hey, I was relaxed! Just trying to help Pia, that's all.

And I agree, E. D.'s was good.

I like E.D.'s, too.

Phil

Quoted from dogglebe "The friendship of four campers are strained when one finds a sack of stolen money... and the two men wishing to claim it." If that's not enough, add the following:  "Wackiness ensues when..." Phil

Cute.

You guys are awesome!!

I'm trying to think here because I liked some of the suggestions. Might tweak one or two.

JohnnyBoy, of course I'm serious.

Ryan, you don't know what a grit is? Maybe that's just something we say down here. It's a redneck. Comes from a person that eats grits every morning...with lots of butter.  

I don't want it to say Everglades. That's a very wet area. This will be in the woods. We're pretending it's in the Ocala National Forest.

The film starts out with a man that runs through the woods with the money bag. Someone hunts hunts him and we see this through a rifle scope. The man is shot and dies. We see a pair of boots walk up and take the bag of money.  This will be re-shot, but for now it will be the teaser. It should have been finished a week ago, but the guy editing it and I were in huge disagreement and I'm re-editing tomorrow to see what we can do with it.  Anyway, the man that gets shot obviously din't come into the money by legal means, nor do the hunters, nor the goth girl and hitchhiker. Everyone finds the money and loses it. The hitchhiker ends up with it, but he doesn't know it. He thinks he just stole a car.

When I was in Florida last year I had breakfast at this little diner somewhere off the i92. The lady serving asked me if I wanted grits . . . I hadn't a clue what they were, and was kinda curious, so I ordered them. Interesting food to say the least.

How about this? It's slightly altered version of E.D's suggestion.


A double date camping trip turns deadly when backwoods hunters come looking for their hijacked fortune.

Didn't realise it was two couples...you never said in your synopsis.

Personally I think playing up Sierra's role would be a good thing, because after all she's the lead and the one who survives for a potential sequel. But yeah, the one you posted is good. I'd go with that.

I don't think you should mention that they're couples.  Four campers should be enough.

I still think you should start with the phrase, 'Hilarity ensues when...'


Phil

A camping trip turns disastrous when 2 mil is found. Something along those lines.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear How about this? It's slightly altered version of E.D's suggestion. A double date camping trip turns deadly when backwoods hunters come looking for their hijacked fortune.

I see your raise and call.

A double date camping trip in America's southernmost national forest turns deadly when backwoods hunters come looking for their hijacked fortune.

E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I see your raise and call. A double date camping trip in America's southernmost national forest turns deadly when backwoods hunters come looking for their hijacked fortune. E.D.

Superfluous detail!

Does it matter if it's "America's southernmost national forest"? I preferred your original.

The  "double dating " and  "hijacked" aspect of the proposed logline are misleading - it's not a romantic anything and "hijacked" reminds me of vehicles not money.

How about the TV Guide version:

Four campers and two redneck hunters clash over a bag of cash found in the woods by one of the campers.

A little boring maybe...

Gary

Quoted from grademan The  "double dating " and  "hijacked" aspect of the proposed logline are misleading - it's not a romantic anything and "hijacked" reminds me of vehicles not money. How about the TV Guide version: Four campers and two redneck hunters clash over a bag of cash found in the woods by one of the campers. A little boring maybe... Gary

Repetition of 'campers'.

Quoted from grademan Four campers and two redneck hunters clash over a bag of cash found in the woods by one of the campers.

Johnny got a point.

"Four campers and two redneck hunters clash over a bag of cash found in the woods."

or

"Hilarity ensues when four campers and two redneck hunters clash over a bag of cash found in the woods."


Phil

Quoted from JonnyBoy Superfluous detail! Does it matter if it's "America's southernmost national forest"? I preferred your original.

Erroneous proclamation!

Landscape is a supporting character in the version of the script I read.
It's a way to distinguish this script from the twenty other campers in peril movies.

I preferred my original too, but Everglades can be taken a tad too swampy.

E.D.

Greed reigns supreme when campers and local rednecks square off over two million in stolen cash...

Hilarity ensues when a talking gator pits the hapless humans against each other for kicks.

Happy now Phil?

E.D.

I love all the suggestions!!!  Thanks!!  

The ads have been sent out and I went with the one I mentioned here.  I'm not sure it will be in the final film, but if it is I'll give you credit E.D, no problem.

Hilarity ensues when a bunch of circus clowns discuss the perfect logline....


Phil

Quoted from Grandma Bear I love all the suggestions!!!  Thanks!!   The ads have been sent out and I went with the one I mentioned here.  I'm not sure it will be in the final film, but if it is I'll give you credit E.D, no problem.

Thanks, Pia. Sounds like a plan.
Best of luck, I hope it helps.

E.D.