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Showdown #3 Ray vs Ryan - CONGRATULATING (currently 3788 views)
mcornetto
Posted: March 26th, 2011, 8:16pm
Guest User
Ray vs Ryan
- Logline: The ex-wife of a gambler goes on a killing spree.
- Any genre
- Any MPAA rating
- 3 pages
NOTE: Someone who is not a contestant for this challenge sent me a script for this challenge. I decided to include the script as a red herring. Any vote going to the fishy script does not count. This showdown is between Ray and Ryan only, so only votes for their scripts will determine the victor.
Revision History (1 edits)
mcornetto - March 27th, 2011, 8:07pm
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mcornetto
Posted: March 26th, 2011, 8:17pm
Guest User
A
FADE IN:
EXT. TRAILER PARK - DAY
A rusted house trailer in the desert outside of Las Vegas.
INT. TRAILER - DAY
Dim light shines through the thin curtains.
NADINE HOPPER, 28, tired stature, wears a dirty waitress uniform. She brushes at the dirt -- dried blood.
She looks at the squalor of her cramped quarters, sighs.
She opens the fridge and grabs a can of generic beer. She sits in an old recliner, groans as she settles in.
A scruffy CAT springs up on Nadine's lap, curls up and purrs.
Her eyes stop on a empty jar labeled VACATION. She raises her beer can in a silent toast.
Nadine spreads her fingers on her left hand, notes the white circle of skin on her ring finger.
She sinks lower in her chair, closes her eyes, smiles
EXT. RESTAURANT - DAY - EARLIER
A seedy establishment outside of Las Vegas. A red neon EAT sign shines atop a shoddy roof. Cars and semis fill the lot.
INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
Seats and table wore out years ago. A shotgun rests next to the cash register.
Nadine dashes from table to table.
DON, 50s, stout, turquoise belt and bolo, ambles in.
NADINE Hey Don.
He sits at a vacated table.
DON Nadine, wanna hear about your ex?
NADINE No.
DON He hit it big! I swear to God.
NADINE Who was stupid enough to let him bet with the markers he's got out?
DON Here's the funny part, it was way off The Strip. He was in and out of the cashier's line so fast... (slaps hand on table) They never checked his markers.
Nadine looks flustered. CUSTOMERS clamor for service.
NADINE How much?
DON Dinner's on you, right?
NADINE How much?
DON One hundred grand.
Nadine freezes. CHAD, 60s, the owner, fat, stares at her.
CHAD I'm docking your pay until you wait on another customer.
Nadine looks overwhelmed.
NADINE Not now you fat fart!
Chad opens his mouth, then shuts it.
The door opens and HUGH HOPPER, 30, skinny, struts in with CHRISSY, 29, a buxom blonde, on his arm.
His smile is aces as Nadine stares.
HUGH Hey bitch!
He looks around at the stunned customers. Poses as a gun slinger. Shoots his finger pistols.
HUGH I won a hundred grand playing the slots. I just wanted to serve notice to Nadine, my bitch of an ex wife, that I got money and she can't have none of it!
NADINE You left me with half your debt.
Customers walk out. Chad's face reddens with rage.
CHAD Nadine, you're fired.
HUGH Please don't be mad. I know how hard trailer rent can be.
Hugh tilts his head, a gleam in his eye.
HUGH Meet my new wife.
Chrissy steps out from behind Hugh.
HUGH That's right. She's your best - oh I'm sorry - your ex best friend.
Hugh elbows her. Chrissy thrusts her chest out.
CHRISSY Hugh bought these for me. Nice huh?
Hugh pauses, whispers.
HUGH Been on any vacations lately?
Nadine's eye glint madness. She grabs the shotgun from the behind the counter. Aims it at Hugh.
EXT. RESTAURANT - DAY
Customers run. Shotgun blasts echo from inside. Nadine shuffles out, heads towards the trailer park in the distance.
A gathered crowd of drinking players and guests chant.
CROWD
Hard eight! Hard eight!...
INT. MEXICAN PRISON CELL - DAY
A young LATINO FEMALE INMATE passes to a lean, buxom JESSIE, 28, also an inmate, a small airport locker key, a large prison key and a metal shank.
CROWD (V.O.)
Hard eight! Hard eight!...
INT. SEEDY CASINO - CRAPS TABLE - NIGHT
RACHEL, 26, bounces with excitement behind playboy JACK, 30, whom shoots his dice throw off the back wall.
CROWD
Hard eight! Hard eight!...
EXT. MEXICAN PRISON - DAY
Jessie, wearing a bullet riddled prison guard uniform, races past the outer gate, her two pistols blaze a curtain of lead behind her, PRISON GUARDS fall like first rain drops.
CROWD (V.O.)
Yay!...
INT. SEEDY CASINO - CRAPS TABLE - NIGHT
All cheer and jump. Chips are paid out, others collected. Jack beams as elated Rachel hugs her jugs into him.
BARKER, 55, a meat butcher in a suit, steps up behind Jack.
BARKER
You're still under me by two-hundred grand, kid. Don't get cocky. Hmm, is this pretty thing your new missus?
Barker's lecherous leer mates with Rachel's disgusted sneer.
JACK
Third time's a charm.
EXT. SEEDY CASINO - PORTE COCHERE - NIGHT
A sheer stockinged leg steps out of the driver seat of a police car. Shiny three-inch black heel clicks the concrete.
BARKER (V.O.)
I thought number three was Jessie?
INT. SEEDY CASINO - CRAPS TABLE - NIGHT
Jack shoots.
STICK WOMAN
Shooter sevens out.
CROWD
Aw...
DEALER flips the marker to black, a fresh crop of chip bets are placed. Barker laughs to himself, shakes his head.
A stack of five-hundred denominated pesos is dropped on the table, bloody thumbprint across the bank currency strap.
All turn to Jessie. Coiffed blond hair, red strapless dress, jeweled clutch, steri-strips on her right eyebrow, big white bandage taped to her left shoulder. She looks magnificent.
JESSIE
This grind joint grow any customer service in the last three years?
BOX MAN eyes her with a crooked grin, thumbs the cash stack, slides her several stacks of chips. Jack watches her eyes.
JESSIE
Close enough. Stick, twelve horn.
STICK WOMAN pauses as Barker steps up, whispers in her ear, both nod. She hooks the stack to the thirty-to-one spot. Barker's intense examination of Jessie goes disregarded.
JESSIE
Jack. Be a dear?
Their eyes lock. Jack sums while Rachel looks at the gnarled, star-shaped scar over Jessie's left breast.
RACHEL
I'm sorry about that.
Jessie maintains her lock on Jack. He throws the dice which the crowd follows, his eyes remain on Jessie's.
JESSIE
Blood under the bridge, Rach. All's fair in love and--
Dice turn up twelve, the crowd goes ballistic screaming.
JACK and JESSIE
War.
Lightning fast, Jessie pulls from her clutch a .38 pistol.
POP! POP! POP! POP!... it drones on amidst a growing thin cloud of smoke, she ejects the spent magazine, slams home a high capacity magazine then shots resume.
Anyone not dead or dying rushes the exit where the armed house security team advances against a wave of patron panic.
Rachel hides in Jack's arms while he admires Jessie.
JACK
Just get in town tonight?
At the game-floor entrance the house security team with Glocks and assault rifles draws a bead on Jessie whom stands calm as a morning doe facing Jack and terrified Rachel.
She passes her pistol to Jack then holds out a fist, thumb up.
JESSIE
This morning.
Thumb presses down. Two covered waste cans detonate to each side of the advancing house security team.
Rachel shrieks and curls tighter into Jack. He points at Rachel to Jessie, gesturing what to do? Jessie shrugs.
POP POP! He shoots Rachel in the head, she drops, he smiles.
JACK
Fifth time's a charm.
Jack and Jessie promenade toward the casino entrance.
The small wedding chapel stands at the end of a boulevard bathed in neon. Sign out front reads: “Reno’s Classiest 24- hour Wedding Chapel!!”
INT. CHIMIN’ BELLS WEDDING CHAPEL - NIGHT
HASHBROWN, a dwarf dressed in a powder blue tuxedo, plays the wedding march on an organ. Wooden rods attached to the bottom of his shoes allow him to work the foot pedals.
He hits the crescendo.
An ELVIS impersonator, attired in an awesomely sequined jumpsuit and golden sunglasses, serves as minister. He smiles at the bride and groom who stand before him.
DIAMOND JAKE, 46, slicks back his greasy hair, adjusts his bolo tie.
IVY LAINE, 33, grins from ear to ear. She wears a denim mini-skirt and hot pink blouse, but a bridal veil rests on her platinum cotton candy hair.
A lone woman in a large hat and sunglasses sits in the back.
ELVIS Since y’all opted for the econo-vows, we’re gonna make this quick. Do you, Diamond Jake, take this woman, Ivy Laine, to be your lawfully wedded wife?
JAKE I do.
ELVIS Thank you. And do you, Ivy Laine, take this man, Diamond Jake, to be your lawfully wedded husband?
IVY I do.
ELVIS Thank you very much. If anyone has just cause why this couple should not be united in marriage, speak now or forever--
GOODY GUMDROP, 45, the woman in the back, stands.
GOODY Right here.
Goody reaches into her trench coat, pulls out an Uzi and sprays the room with burning lead.
Hashbrown drops in a heap, his oversized head thumping out an atonal death knell as it slams on the keyboard.
Sequins fly as Elvis absorbs multiple rounds.
Ivy takes two in the head, falls to the floor spread-eagled.
Jake screams from the fresh wounds in his thigh and arm.
Goody walks to the front of the chapel, removes her shades.
JAKE Goody! Jesus Christ!
GOODY Hello, Jake.
Jake looks to his dead bride.
JAKE Ivy. Oh my God. My beautiful bride.
He strokes her backside.
JAKE What a waste of ass.
GOODY I did her the biggest favor of her life. Marryin’ you destroyed me. Woulda done the same to her.
Jake looks at the corpses of Elvis and Hashbrown.
JAKE What about them? What’d that midget boy ever do to ya?
GOODY Wrong place, wrong time. That’s Reno’s official slogan, you know.
JAKE Why, Goody?
GOODY Why? You steal my life savings and lose it all at the roulette wheel and you ask me why?
JAKE Okay, I prolly shouldn’t a bet it all on green. My bad.
GOODY Then you leave me and Diamond Jake junior for this hussy. We been livin’ down at the shelter for six months now.
JAKE Hear they got good soup.
Goody levels the Uzi at Jake’s forehead.
GOODY Okay, gamblin’ man. Time for the roll of your life.
She reaches into her jacket, pulls out a pair of dice, throws them on his chest.
GOODY Boxcars, you live. Anythin’ else, Satan gets a new fluffer.
Jake holds the dice in his hand.
JAKE Craps was never my game.
Goody’s finger flexes on the trigger. Jake shrugs, blows on the dice, rolls them on the floor.
They rattle to a stop. Jake stares at the dice, looks back to Goody. Smiles.
JAKE I’ll be damned.
EXT. CHIMIN’ BELLS WEDDING CHAPEL - NIGHT
A staccato burst of gunfire from inside the chapel.
NOTE: Someone who is not a contestant for this challenge sent me a script for this challenge. I decided to include the script as a red herring. Any vote going to the fishy script does not count. This showdown is between Ray and Ryan only, so only votes for their scripts will determine the victor.
C is head-and-shoulders above A and B. The descriptions are clean, it reads like a breeze, and the dialogue's spot-on. The names border on a little too ridiculous at times, but that can be forgiven, given the setting.
A's story isn't all that well defined, and B's descriptions are mostly run-ons that don't properly paint the scene all that well.
Hands down, my vote's for C, though I suspect it may have had more prep. than the others. If not, then it comes from a more talented writer imo. Very entertaining. A lil mix of Wild at Heart & Kill Bill. Great stuff!
If I were to be a letter, I would like to be a see. I cannot in good conscious vote against a script using the word, econo-vows. Nope! Can't do it! Not up in here!
E.D.
P.S. A & B were OK.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
I figured I'd give the red herring a try because lots of people were complaining it was too easy to guess whose was whose. I think it's less easy now. The red herring can't win the challenge, it can just take votes - so it's still only Ray vs Ryan.
I figured I'd give the red herring a try because lots of people were complaining it was too easy to guess whose was whose. I think it's less easy now. The red herring can't win the challenge, it can just take votes - so it's still only Ray vs Ryan.
Hmm. Not bad reasoning. Long as there's only three, good thinking.
I guess its cool as long as Ryan and Ray are fine with it. But, I didn't like the Red Herring idea neither. Better not be you Cornetto!
I voted C because it was the most fun, Though I didn't see it as lopsided as the voting is showing. Again, I didn't think either were particularly good, Don't expect to.
I couldn't write a script in a few hours that's going to light someone's trousers on fire.
I think other challenges were lighter and more fun.
And writing off the logline (any logline) is very hard I think, I've never done it... and with this logline - probably won't be able to come up with anything if it was me. Although I enjoyed the entries submitted to other two challenges more actually. Probably it was easier as they had more freedom. Also, I really liked the two hour bracket, two hours - crazy but doable.
Excellent story, Ryan! Fatburgers and whatnot. Darn near a shutout.
Maybe Jeff will take a whack at you on the next go round. Hey, hey, hey! Got Miss Pia gunning for ya, sport! Not bad company.
GARY! LOL! That was crazy! Whose whacked out idea was that to stick on a third leg point-puller? How long did your take?
GREAT JOB RAY on your outstanding efforts. Thanks, Shawn. What'd you think of the 48hr bit?
"I liked the writing of B best," Your writing is fine Ray!! Thank you, Pia. I think it wasn't light enough for an entertaining short. I watched a SUCKER PUNCH trailer before writing it. Probably wasn't the best thing to do. I feel like total road kill.
Good challenge, Ray and Gary. Not an easy logline.
Alright, I'm ready for the next one. I'd prefer not to wait until next weekend, but Mike is running the show here, so I guess it's up to him. Are you sure Pia's agreed to be next up? Sounded from her post like she couldn't.
I'm leaving about 7am tomorrow. If I know the logline before I leave, I can tinker during the day and e-mail to MC. Just can't access SS while I'm there.
Thanks for being good sports about the red herring entry. I wrote my first draft in the first few hours and sent it to Michael and I offered up my draft to confuse the troops. He came up with the mechanics. I changed the ending and a few glitches prior to deadline.
Vote A, B, or C
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Showdown #3 Ray vs Ryan - CONGRATULATING
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