Hi Ink,

I really appreciate your comments. I don’t really believe in “supporting” characters -- just characters who aren’t as much focused on, I guess. I try to give even minute characters some background.

Thanks Ink.

Brea

Breanne,
Thought i'd take a look at your contribution to the comedy-land, and I enjoyed it.

A few things though, of course:

The ending with the hicks and the loggers was to desperate for a damsel in distress scene.  I was thinking of another way for you to have it that wouldn't involve adding four completely new characters, and I think I thought of a good one.  What if the mythies kidnap her, as an artemis impersonator?  One kind of recognizes her, and then realizes she's not a god.  I loved the Mythies, and would love to see more of them, and really think an idea on those lines would be agreat replacement for the lumberjack\hick scene.

Other than Heath Dennis, Anna Lee and nancy, the other singles kind of blend together.  Perhaps give the quirks stereotypical to their Jobs as a quick remedy, this could be extremely easy for John, but I'm not sure about the rest.

Anna Lee's name became kind of annoying as people kept saying it.  I would think that most people, when adressing her would shorten it to simply Anna.  But this isn't really all that important.

You made Heath just a little too annoyingly feminine in the guys cabin scenes.  I mean, i know you were going for sensitivity and such, but it was just a bit over IMO.  He was just completely gushing.

Other than that, I really enjoyed it.  Favorites of mine would be the super-hero convo with Anna's mom, Bad Bathroom luck, The Mythies (I would totally be at that camp- Big fan of Dionysus), and the fight scene.

Oh, on the fight secne though, people can't actually talk if their being choked, just FYI.

-Tyler

I really enjoyed reading this. Madge is a terrific villain.

I'd like to see more of the Mythies. You set up the big Diana thing but there doesn't seem to be a later payoff (either good, when they swarm to her rescue, or bad, when they join the loggers and hunters in her capture).

Neville's story arc seems a little unfinished. Perhaps more of him getting out from under Madge's thumb at the end.

Bear in mind, this is only my uninformed opinion, and is only two points in what was a fantastic read.

Higg, Wordartisan,

Thanks for reading. My apologies for taking so long to respond directly.

Quoted from Higgonaitor I loved the Mythies, and would love to see more of them, and really think an idea on those lines would be agreat replacement for the lumberjack\hick scene.

The Mythies had a couple more scenes in the original but were cut for brevity. I’ve had mixed reactions to them. Some like them. Some don’t. Regarding hunters and lumberjacks, It just didn’t seem very Southern without them.

I agree with you that placing the Mythies in that scene would have been a good, economical way of giving them more story time.

Quoted from Higgonaitor Other than Heath Dennis, Anna Lee and nancy, the other singles kind of blend together.

Yes, I agree. This is a story that requires quite a few supporting characters and I was trying to develop the minor characters as much as I could without sacrificing the major characters. That was my intention, anyway.

Quoted from Higgonaitor Anna Lee's name became kind of annoying as people kept saying it.  I would think that most people, when adressing her would shorten it to simply Anna.

That’s a typical Southern thing. It’s not uncommon to find people known by their first and middle names. Anna Lee is named after a real person - my grandmother’s sister. It’s sort of a way of paying tribute.

Quoted from Higgonaitor You made Heath just a little too annoyingly feminine in the guys cabin scenes.  I mean, i know you were going for sensitivity and such, but it was just a bit over IMO.  He was just completely gushing.

Really? I didn’t mean to. He’s in love. I’ve seen people in love behave in some pretty unusual ways and do and say some pretty silly things. That’s what I was trying to convey, albeit comedic and exaggerated.

Quoted from wordartisan I'd like to see more of the Mythies. You set up the big Diana thing but there doesn't seem to be a later payoff (either good, when they swarm to her rescue, or bad, when they join the loggers and hunters in her capture).

There’s no good answer here. It had to be cut. Something had to go and the poor Mythies were the first choice. They made the least impact and affected the story directly the least of all the other characters. In the original script, there was a scene at their camp where they had “battles” using bicycles instead of horses but it was excised.

Higg made the same suggestion of placing the Mythies into the scene of Anna Lee’s rescue and I agree it’s a good idea.

Quoted from wordartisan Neville's story arc seems a little unfinished. Perhaps more of him getting out from under Madge's thumb at the end.

Neville is another character who couldn’t be fully developed due to page constraints. It’s too late to do major rewrites of the script but I hold hope that if the film should be successful enough that a sequel should be in order, whoever writes it will definitely have directions and possibilities for this character.

Quoted from wordartisan Bear in mind, this is only my uninformed opinion, and is only two points in what was a fantastic read.

I do disagree with you that your opinion is uninformed. This is a work of fiction and your opinion is as valid as any other. I would be a fool not to be concerned with the opinions of the very people I hope to have pay to see a film produced from one of my scripts. I appreciate every critique I get.

My main concern with regard to criticism is improving as a writer and producing not only the very best work I’m capable of but hopefully, one day, some of the best writing on Earth. At least that’s my goal. And I’ll take all the help I can get.


Higg, Wordartisan, thank you both for your views, opinions, and suggestions. I’ll use them to increase the value of my writing.


Brea

Hey just wanted to say that I read your script last night. I loved the some of it, it's simply brilliant and classic stuff. The bathroom scenes, funny... The only one I didn't like was when the main character was at camp and with her friend going into the bathroom. I felt that it was too out of character of her to be scared in a childlike manner to go into the bathroom.

The whole walker stuff, boy was that golden. I still chuckle over that. Was the name Marge? can't remember for sure but I think her revenge should be revisitied to make it funnier or at least the way it was drawn out should be revisited. Also, alot of her response to her son could of been better, they just started feeling like real corny skipped record responses.

The whole scene where the lead enters the camp "main room" during the course introduction was so freaking funny, this is when I went from "this is a funny script" to "this is a freaking classic film!" ....... I could totally see a packed theatre laughing the whole scene through and I instantly wanted to film this.

Another of my favorites was the fight scene at the end between Heath and the other dude. I picture the other guy (was it Dennis?) as being Steve Carell from (The 40 Year Old Virgin). Really funny scene.

Anyway, I hope you take my words as constructive. I enjoyed this script alot and wouldn't of felt complete if I didn't let it out.

If you redraft this and make some changes please be sure to post it, I'm a fan now.

Ok, I'm at the first plot point, and that's usually where I like to make my first comments, seeing as you should definetely have the reader's interest by now.

Right now I am interested, because of the potential this story has for comedy.  I think you've set up a really great story and I can't wait to see if it pays off.  A "Single's Camp" really does have the makings for a good comedy.  However, right now it's not really a comedy for me.  You have witty dialogue and everybody seems to have a snappy comeback for everything, but I haven't really laughed.  My filmmaker friend and I always have discussions about the art of comedy, and he actually believes comedies don't need to be funny to be good, but I'm a bit more critical.    I see there's stuff that could POTENTIALLY be funny (because it's a visual gag), but then again, it could fail.

My problem right now I guess is that I think you have a tendency to snowball your humor into the realm of unbelievability & I think you have the tendency to flog a dead horse as well.  For instance, I could usually see where most of your jokes were going....like the handicapped stall joke (mainly because I saw it on a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode).  And it just seems like you don't let up on your jokes and you are creating a lot of running gags, that for me, aren't working.  And I was left to wonder how on the news report (which will either be really funny or too much) how Anna's friends knew it was about her.  She wasn't mentioned in the ad, therefore it makes the line "I was framed?" a little weird.

Like I said, the story has a lot of potential right now, and I am very interested in where it's going.  But I'm also REALLY (possibly overally) critical of comedies, and as of right now, I don't find it very funny.  But I continue...

I'm at p.63 and I'm going to stop here for a bit.

I'm going to be honest and say that I'm not really feeling your script right now.  You've done a really good job of developing your characters but so far you've put them in situations that just don't work for me in the realm of comedy.  And it was around the page where the men talk for the first time in the bunk that I realized the problem with the dialogue, and it's that it's too clunky and scripted and no one talks like that.  Which is bizarre because you tend to go from really well scripted dialogue to REALLY script dialogue featuring "witty" banter that no-one would ever say.  I cite for an example almost the entire argument between Dennis and Heath.  When I say it outloud to myself I could just never hear anyone actually saying that stuff.

I guess the jury is also out on how you're treating your comedy, as far as I'm concerned.  You go from absurdist comedy to light comedy in a matter of seconds.  Which is why I think the whole Madge scene could be brilliant if it were stuck in a comedy that matches how bizarre it really is.  But you tend to fluctaute the type of comedy you're doing and it becomes a little unsettling as I read on.

I really do like the characters though, and I can see you really are a good writer.  BUT this particular screenplay, in my opinion (and thus far) seems to thrust your great characters in situations that don't use them to their fullest capacity.  We'll see where this goes from here though.

Ok, finished.

Once again, I just wanted to say that you are a really good writer, and it's clear from this script that you have skill.  Having said that, I'm still sticking with my initial feelings in that I was disappointed with how this script turned out.  I'd really like to read some of your other stuff, but this particular script wasn't my cup of tea.  I'll list my critiques below:

I agree with the reviewer above who said the ending with the introduction of the loggers and the hunters was too much.  This goes back to earlier comments I made about unbelievability in your script.  I understand it's a comedy, but I can only take it when the writer goes to a certain point.  Another good example is the police officer's reactions at the end to hearing Anna is a handicapped impersonator.  It doesn't come off as funny, just unrealistic.

Also, your revelation that Madge isn't handicapped negates your entire story.  Why in the world would someone who isn't handicapped spend that much time on someone else, like Anna?  It makes no sense.  Even if she "doesn't like to see people happy", for such a small incident, that makes no sense.  You should change that.

The fight scene didn't really work for me, and it's possibly because it's been done so many times before in comedies.  You have the suave hero-esque guy fighting the jackass who pretends to know kung-fu.  And what happens?  The jackass guy gets his ass kicked, because he's a jackass.  It's been done a lot before, and it wasn't really any different here.

I didn't like how you brought The Mythies back just kind of like "Oh, here they are again.  Remember them?"  It seemed like you were going somewhere else with them and that they would have played a bigger part in the ending.

It was weird reading your script because, like I said, I really did like the characters.  They were very well written.  It's just the situations that you put them in bothered me and sometimes either went too far (in the realm of comedy) or just didn't make sense.  Apologies if this review is too harsh, but like I said at the very beginning, I'm overly critical of comedies.

Hi Dresseme,

Thanks for the review. You have nothing to apologize for. You have a right to your opinion. As long as it’s respectfully expressed, I have no problem with it whatsoever. I appreciate your comments. I’m thankful for all feedback I receive. I’ll take all the help I can get to become a better writer.

It’s too late for me to use your criticisms for improvement on this particular script. It’s already been optioned. In fact, shooting starts next month. I do have to say that I hope you’re the minority opinion, though. Some people are spending a lot of money on this project. I will definitely keep your suggestions in mind when working on future projects.

As far as a response to your criticisms, I basically believe in taking my lumps, so to speak. So I won’t argue. I’ll just point out a couple of things.

One, I don’t entirely agree with you about realism in a comedy. I think it’s okay for a comedy to be unrealistic. In fact, I can’t really name a lot of comedies that didn’t stretch believability at several points.

And two, aside from Madge being unrealistic, she’s also a hypocrite, which I actually find to be a common trait among people. People often condemn others for something they themselves do, but simply see themselves as different. If you pointed out Madge’s hypocrisy to her, she would probably defend herself by claiming she has some sort of ailment or injury that qualified her for handicapped status. It was mentioned that she was involved in a work injury suit.

But your points are well taken. Thank you for reading and I do appreciate your comments. I don’t expect (and neither should any other writer) that no one will find my work deficient in any way. I’m satisfied that you gave the script a fair review and I’m sorry that you didn’t enjoy it. And, as I said, your comments will be put to use in future works.

Brea

Second stop on my tour of recommended scripts. I'm happy to say I enjoyed this. Some jokes didn't work for me, but the majority did. The dialogue is very funny. Did you make up the line, "...Tripping over the Holy Grail while picking up one million dollars" ? Because it's genius!

I had the feeling that Anna Lee was Diabetic with all the toilet trips she takes.

Concerning her bad luck, it was hard to feel sorry for her because she pretty much impersonated a handicapped person. I know she stuck in a awkward situation, but surely she could've just tried to escape some other way? Like climbing under to another stall, then flushing that toilet, making it look as if she had come from that one. Madge gets suspicious and bashes down the toilet door to reveal it empty... but that kinda ruins the whole purpose of Madges hunt.

And on the subject of Madge. Her motives seemes a little out of wack. First you think she's Handicapped and just defended her people, then you find out she's a well known con artist. Why bring that much attention to yourself?

One thing that bored me was the girls conversations. Pages 52 to 55 was the worst of it. That's the kind of banter i try to zone out. So i don't know whether to congradulate your or condemn you for capturing such a thing.

I never knew moccasins were Native American Attire, I love moccasins! Eagle-Beak was a funny character. Very funny.

I'm not that up-to-date on Marijuana history. Is that speech Neville give true?

"NANCY
Would you darn his socks?
She looks around and shrugs, stunned by her own words.
NANCY
What does that mean?"

I know what it means, thank you Eleanor Rigby.

That was a very enjoyable read and a great story! Goodstuff.

Hey Alex,

Thanks for reading. And thanks for the comments and suggestions.

Yeah, I know what you mean about the impersonating a handicapped person thing. I have to say, though, I’ve had the pleasure of seeing various actors performing that scene and it was hilarious. There are people who feel uncomfortable with it but it really wasn’t meant as any disrespect. Quite the opposite. My intention was to treat the handicapped the same way as everyone else. The majority have taken it the intended way. Even the uncomfortable people aren’t totally against it - just a little conflicted. If it ever makes it to theaters and handicapped people picket the theater, I guess I’ll have to make a public apology.

Quoted from Alex J. Cooper Did you make up the line, "...Tripping over the Holy Grail while picking up one million dollars" ? Because it's genius!

Yes. Thank you.

Quoted from Alex J. Cooper One thing that bored me was the girls conversations.

Sorry. When I hear guys talking and it puts me off, I just try and look at it as a learning experience -- haha. Sorry. That’s the best I can come up with -- haha.

Quoted from Alex J. Cooper I'm not that up-to-date on Marijuana history. Is that speech Neville give true?

It’s true that until the thirties when there was a “marijuana scare,” most Americans didn’t much care one way or the other about it. It was grown freely until the congressional act in 1937 and it does actually have almost limitless uses. Other than that, it’s a fictional rant based on some real life rants from some marijuana proponents. I would imagine there’s some truth to it and some exaggeration.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Brea

This was really funny!

I don't know what else to say...Very easy read. It's the type of comedy that the Farrelly brothers would write (Something about Mary)... Same type of light-hearted comedy. And this author has some fantastic touches here and there that made this script a very pleasant read.

Did you invent the name-calling throughout? Double-dick. Dick-flap  haha

I cracked up when Madge told her son that a "Bumbling idiot is your natural state"

You invented some very funny, well defined characters. They all fit nicely with each other and help move the plot forward at an easy, well structured pace.

One thing though, the fighting scene between Heath and Dennis, even though very funny, was too long, almost 5 minutes.

This will make a very funny movie oneday I hope.

Nothing to add. Good job.

Very funny, nice and sweet comedy. Refreshing in a way, considering some of the things that are saturating the market. I'm really glad madge got hers in the end.

Hi Ayham,

Thanks for reading. I apologize for taking so long to respond. The computer network at work crashed. Since I do a great deal of work at home and my home computer is connected to my work network, my home computer crashed as well. It’s a mess and I haven’t had any free computer time for quite a while.

Quoted from Ayham Did you invent the name-calling throughout?

Yes. I made most of it up. I was just trying to be original.

Quoted from Ayham One thing though, the fighting scene between Heath and Dennis, even though very funny, was too long, almost 5 minutes.

I agree it’s probably too wordy. Something I’ve noticed about my writing is that my spacing tends to make the page count higher than the actual time. I recently watched a film made from one of my scripts and my 85 page script translated to a little over an hour. It’s something I’ve got to work on. People always tell me my scripts read fast.

Quoted from Ayham This will make a very funny movie oneday I hope.

Me too. It was supposed to go into production late last year in Seattle but winter weather came early and postponed production. You can’t film a summer camp with snow on the ground – haha. It’s supposed to go into production this year sometime but some of the original cast will be changed due to scheduling conflicts.

Again, thanks for reading.

Quoted from Rumdizzle Very funny, nice and sweet comedy. Refreshing in a way, considering some of the things that are saturating the market. I'm really glad madge got hers in the end.

Thanks for reading Rumdizzle and thanks for the encouraging words.

One of the better starts of a screenplay I have read here recently.  The characterization of Alice is nicely done. But you start to lose me around page 36.

The comedy in the beginning is situational, and you pull it off very well.  The action sequences don't slow down my read of the script.  And the timing is nicely done.

But once you move away from situational humor, the humor just doesn't work.  The humor almost feels forced.

I get the impression that once the characters have arrived at the camp, there is no clear direction for how the characters come together.  I suggest tightening up the initial scenes at the camp.  That's where my read lost steam.  I want to finish reading the script, but you lose me when the introductions are dry.

tweak