Odds of Love, The by Mike Shelton - Comedy, Drama - Newton Lawler is 31, single, and sick and tired of his family getting on him about it until he meets Sara.  Will their love last or will the past come back to haunt them? 105 - doc, format

I wrote this script as a first draft about three years ago, and figured I would put it on here to get some opinions before going back to edit.  My format is out of whack, but I find that I can write more fluidly and fend off blocks if my initial copy is done this way, since I can always go back and format properly.  Enjoy, and I look forward to your critiques.

Hey Mike, as promised I started cranking into this and just a few things to start with:

-The dialogue for the most part is pretty solid, but you may want to try chizzling some of those chunks.
-After going psycho on Barry, Newton says "Oh man I'm sorry....I figured you were going to ask me about my bachelorism."  Don't state the obvious in the dialogue, try to work around that like have him fumble with words or something.
-When he exits the party and looks into the restaurant window, he says "why can't I have that?I don't think I'm asking for much.  It's not like I want to be Superman or anything."  Unless he's talking to someone or it's a V.O., him talking out loud to himself like that probably won't work.  Just have him say "Why can't I have that?" with a grunt or something.

That's the nitpick stuff, overall the dialogue is very humorous and well written.  I promise to finish this up and get a full review by Sunday at the latest.  Good job so far though!

Greg,

Thanks for your comments so far.  I know what you mean about the thing with Barry.  I thought it seemed a little forced myself when I reread it recently.  As far as the talking to himself while looking in the window, it's somewhat required.  Once you get a little further in you'll see what I mean.

Concept: Since pretty much every romantic comedy has been done, your concept isn't 110% original, but your execution is what makes this story work so well.

Dialogue: This is easily the best part of your script.  The dialogue is rich, well written, moves along very well, little to no stiffness.  There were countless occasions where you could have mushed up the wording, but instead went for something quirky which I personally prefer.

Characters:  You could go a little more into Sara's and Newton's Dad's character.  Their dialogue explains who they are, but I just didn't feel too deep with them.  Newton is one heck of a guy with one heck of a name, so good selection there and Carl...well there's no way anyone can dislike Carl, hilarious character.

The Gags: This script was dazzled with clever lines and sometimes flat out hilarious dialogue.  "Did you have dinner?"  "No I had two breakfasts."  It's stuff like that that makes these scripts more enjoyable.  One suggestion I have is to limit the usage of the F word.  You use it a certain amount of times in here so if made into a film, it would be R, and since there's nothing completely raunchy in here, it would appeal to a limited audience, so I'd limit the F word to 2 at most.  One that you have to keep in is where Newton is at his office and everyone is staring at him.  Great scene!

Format:  I'll be blunt, this was a pain in the ass to read because this is a hard format to not zone out on, and 123 pages makes it irritable at times.  I know that you said this was an early draft and using this format is helpful for you, but chances are a very limited few will want to read an ill-formatted 123 page script.  Not being mean, just the hard truth.

Overall: So, I'm not normally a fan of romantic comedies, but this one is an exception because of its witty and clever dialogue.  That's what really saves this from being another "I like you, you like me" kind of things.  Anyway, strongly consider reformatting and then submit it again and you'll probably get more reviews.  

Good job!

Greg,

Thanks a bunch for such an in depth review.  I will definitely be going back to reformat and edit once I finish the Jack Amsterdam script I started working on last week.  I think I may have to make some serious cuts though since it would probably end up being about 200 pages in proper format.

Mike,

I've read the first 30 pages and I'm enjoying it so far.

The format is a pain but I won't dwell on it. However, weighing in at 123 pages, I have a feeling this would be much longer in conventional format so you'll probably need to cut down on the overall length when you rewrite.

The dialogue is excellent so far. I love Newton's dad, absolutely hilarious. Although the dialogue is your strong point, it does get a little "talky" at times. In the first scene with Carl you're repeating information about how Newton met Sara. We've already seen this so it's kind of redundant. The conversation is great but perhaps you could arrive later once the information has already been revealed.

I'm a sucker for visuals and this is a very dialogue-driven piece. I'd like to see the longer dialogue sections broken up with brief visual descriptions. I'm always put off when I read through a script that is almost entirely dialogue.

So far the set up is great and I look forward to reading the rest when I have time.

Martin,

Thanks for the feedback so far.  This story is definitely going to be cut and changed pretty soon, due to length and since I don't really care for where the story ends up going.  I won't give anything away since you're only thirty pages in, but I'll just say it won't be as dark.

SPOILERS

I see what you mean about dark. Sara's speech was unexpected and felt quite out of place, especially with the revelation coming at the dinner table. I think she lays it on a little thick. Perhaps you could tone it down.

A little continuity. She says she's never told anyone the truth before but then explains that every guy she's dated was scared off by the story.

Pg 93. You maybe missed a beat here with Newt's Dad and phobias. Homophobia?

It takes a leap of faith to believe Vincent could impersonate Newton on the phone, especially when she knows it's his bachelor party. You attempt to explain this in dialogue later but it still didn't work for me.

Page 107. The exchange with the doctor rings false.

Newton:  Any evidence of sexual abuse?

Dr. Wilson: No none

Newton: (lets out a sigh of relief)

His question and subsequent reaction are out of place given the news he's just heard.

Sara's letter didn't work for me either. Wouldn't Lizzie be suspicious that she gave her a letter "in case anything happened".

You got me with the hearse thing. I totally fell for it. Nice touch.

Your epliogue goes on too long. Maybe you could end it right after the wedding.

Overall, this script has a lot of potential. I'm not a fan of rom-coms but this was funny enough to keep my attention and you didn't lay on the cheese too thick so kudos for that.

You have some great material here but you need to be brutal with your cuts to get this down to a reasonable length. In my opinion, the third act needs the most work. Rethink the Vincent phone-call scenario, try to lighten things up a bit after Sara is attacked, tell us who killed Vincent (did I miss that? Is it important?). In general, you can cut out a few scenes where information is repeated by the characters.

I enjoyed reading this. You're dialogue is definitely your strong point and you have some strong characters. Good luck with the rewrite

Martin,

Thanks for finishing it up and for the great feedback.

She says she's never told anyone the truth before but then explains that every guy she's dated was scared off by the story.(I think I fell victim to my own rambling here.)

Pg 93. You maybe missed a beat here with Newt's Dad and phobias. Homophobia?(I bypassed it to go for something a little more off the wall in terms of laughs)

It takes a leap of faith to believe Vincent could impersonate Newton on the phone, especially when she knows it's his bachelor party. You attempt to explain this in dialogue later but it still didn't work for me.(Pretty dumb, I'll agree.  Something definitely needs to be done there.)

I'll try to lump everything from here on out together since they all seem to be related to Sara's problem.  I think I really rushed things and probably tried to put too much info into the last half of the script.  In my rewrite, I am intending to go back and change the entire rationale for the "break" between them, and I hope to really strenghten up Sara's character since she's, as my wife says, pathetic.  In doing so I will probably eliminate the Vincent character as well (In answer to your question, and if memory serves correctly, the cops shot him).  

I'm glad that you fell for the hearse, since that was one of the first things I came up with when I conjured up the outline.  You think I should remove the ending with the paper?  I thought it tied in nicely with his job, and ended things on a positive note.

I'm hoping to start the rewrite sometime this week, and I do have a pretty good idea of what I need to cut and change, so I should finish rather quickly.  At that time I will submit a revised edition that hopefully makes more sense throughout, for me anyway.  Ha Ha Ha.  Thanks again.

Quoted from Shelton  You think I should remove the ending with the paper?  I thought it tied in nicely with his job, and ended things on a positive note.

It just thought the wedding would be the natural place to end it, creating a nice parallel to the opening scene. I liked the idea with the article but it felt a bit tagged on.

I'm not sure you need to remove the Vincent character but if you have a better idea then great. I didn't see him as a problem and I really enjoyed the scene where he showed up at the restaurant.

After just reading your post, an idea for him struck me, so he will be back in the rewrite, just a little revamped.

hey, Should I read this now or wait for the re-write?  I really want to read it, but not if a better ones going to come out in a week.

Well it's a little long right now and out of whack.  If you're looking for something shorter and cleaner I would wait for the rewrite, which will also be a little more upbeat, though not too much.

The Jack A script should be posted soon if you'd rather check that out in the meantime.

sure Ill give it a read.

If anybody has taken a crack at reading this and can't get past the terrible formatting, you'll be happy to know that I am about halfway through the process of a rewrite. �The format will be better, and there will be some changes to the story as well as some character tweaks. �I hope to have it submitted sometime next week.

The rewrite is done and submitted.  I've done some character tweaking and additions as well as some changes to the story. I also managed to condense and cut enough to get down to 116 properly formatted pages.  Yay!


Now, what do I write next?

Okay,

I've managed to get half way through it, and so far I find it very humorous.  There is some stupid comey, witty comedy, and LOL comedy.  The dialogue works for the most part, but I find that a couple of the conversations between N & S get dry.  The father and Carl both are hilarious.  So far the pacing seems to work as well.

Off to finish.

B.O.M,

Thanks for checking it out.  I think it flows a lot better since my rewrite, and is definitely easier to look at in proper format.

Hope you enjoy the rest.  


Mike

Mike,

I apologize for taking so long to get back to this.  I should have know better than to try and do this during the holiday season.

As I stated earlier, I really like this script.  Is it good?  Yes.  Is it great?  No.  Funny?  Yes.  Can this be made into a film be it for the big screen or televisoin?  Not sure.  I say this because these are the questions I ask myself when I'm writing.  If you are writing because you simply love it and could care less what happens to it...then great.  If you want to go somewhere with your writing, then you have to face these facts along with many others.

When I finished this script, I felt as if I hadn't just wasted 2 hours of my life.  I was left thinking "this guy has some real talent".  I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you for not wasting my time, for making me laugh, and for putting some real effort into this.  

The scripts that I write tend to lean towards the hopeless romantic side.  I've said that before.  What I write tends to be "cute", and I saw that with this script.  Perhaps that is why I can't give you a professionalized critique of your work. All I can say is that I enjoyed it and look forward to reading more of your work.

Quoted from bitteroldman I apologize for taking so long to get back to this.  I should have know better than to try and do this during the holiday season.

Not a problem.  I was bogged down during the holidays myself.

Quoted from bitteroldman As I stated earlier, I really like this script.  Is it good?  Yes.  Is it great?  No.  Funny?  Yes.  Can this be made into a film be it for the big screen or televisoin?  Not sure.  I say this because these are the questions I ask myself when I'm writing.  If you are writing because you simply love it and could care less what happens to it...then great.  If you want to go somewhere with your writing, then you have to face these facts along with many others.

I guess I could say yes to both.  I enjoy writing, and would like to make a living at it, but we all know how that is, and I'm prepared to deal with it.  As long as I can make a few people laugh every now and then until my day comes, if it comes, it's worth it.

Quoted from bitteroldman When I finished this script, I felt as if I hadn't just wasted 2 hours of my life.  I was left thinking "this guy has some real talent".  I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you for not wasting my time, for making me laugh, and for putting some real effort into this.

Mission accomplished.  This was my first feature, actually my first script ever, and your comments are much appreciated.

This is your first script ever? It's really good. I especially love the gay threats from Newton. Great stuff. You should write more.

Dom,

Yep, this was the first script I ever wrote.  I have since written three other features and a bunch of shorts, so I'm definitely keeping things going.

Thanks for the read.

Page 5: misspelled not, you spelled it "knot", I'm knot sure if this was on purpose...

Page 7: you use "5", I'm not sure, but I think you should spell it out.  ( ilove this comment Newt makes hear btw)

Your dialogue is unbelievable Mike, very clever.  I feel like I hit this occasionaly in scenes of mindless, but you have it the entire script.  Kudos to you.

"What you do is introduce one of those single friends to your single brother, and then watch them sit back, get married, and have ten thousand little Lawlers."  Oh mike...how do you do it...

The blind date bandit? Hilarious.

The only thing that kind of bugs me so far is the name of the coffee shop.  Something ridiculous to bother me, but it just sounds like such an immature name to me; like something out of Harry Potter.  It's not to big of a deal, but, ya know...

page 24: "No!  Not the this coffee is supposed to be hot thing." put quotes around the "this...hot"

Page 24:
"CARL
So, since this girl has such a sparkling personality."
instead of a period use a dash.

Page 27:  I'm not quite sure how it works, but I think you only capitalize a characters name when it firt appears.  You capitolize liz's name again here.  Correct me if I'm wrong.

"Wearing a Hawaiian shirt is like riding in the back of a pickup truck.  There’s no way to do it and look cool."  I can totally do both of these things at the same time AND look cool.

Have I told you how hilarious your dialogue is?  The mustache thing...fashionably late...priceless.  Newton librarian writer?  hilarious.


Page 30:  you write something like "she outs her shoe on"  I think you might want to exchange your "o" for a "p"

Page 41: "have your support, well." should be "have you support well . . . "

"I’m fat and I’m crazy."  if this gets produced your putting this on a corny T-shirt with a picture of Carl on it.  It's inevitable.

Page 42: "Nah, your not scary."  You're.

Well if that is just the sweetest first kiss I have ever seen!  Er...read...

Tank?  I love it.

The brotherly banter is really nicely done as well.

I'm gonna take a break now mike, so far it's really great.  Id go as far as to say, it is better than Jack A (rhyme).

Quoted from Higgonaitor Page 5: misspelled not, you spelled it "knot", I'm knot sure if this was on purpose...

No, I think I just had the other knot in my head since I just typed it.  That's definitely a mistake.

Quoted from Higgonaitor Page 7: you use "5", I'm not sure, but I think you should spell it out.  ( ilove this comment Newt makes hear btw)

Yeah, that should be spelled out.

Quoted from Higgonaitor Your dialogue is unbelievable Mike, very clever.  I feel like I hit this occasionaly in scenes of mindless, but you have it the entire script.  Kudos to you. "What you do is introduce one of those single friends to your single brother, and then watch them sit back, get married, and have ten thousand little Lawlers."  Oh mike...how do you do it...

I guess I've just had so many conversations and read so many things that always has little sentences and statements in them that I remember.

Quoted from Higgonaitor Page 27:  I'm not quite sure how it works, but I think you only capitalize a characters name when it firt appears.  You capitolize liz's name again here.  Correct me if I'm wrong.

Yep, that's a mistake.

Quoted from Higgonaitor "I’m fat and I’m crazy."  if this gets produced your putting this on a corny T-shirt with a picture of Carl on it.  It's inevitable.

I can see it now.  It'll be bigger than "Vote for Pedro"

Quoted from Higgonaitor I'm gonna take a break now mike, so far it's really great.  Id go as far as to say, it is better than Jack A (rhyme).

Actually, I would agree with you there in terms of character development, but I'm not so sure about overall premise.  I wrote this with Newton being kind of a mirror image of myself, and then Jack A as more of like a processed version of myself.  What makes this one so special other than the fact that it was my very first script, is that I can identify with all of the characters and am truly happy with each of them.


Thanks for the read so far, and I'll just say that you're still in for quite a few surprises.

Page 54: "Sara mentioned it in here how I met Newton story." her.

Page 60: "Doesn’t like a total loss." Seem?

The vincet dialogue is a little weak, or, like "average".  I've been spoiled with the rest being good that this dialogue seems just..well...blah.  It kind of breaks ther great flow you have going.  It's not terrible, in fact it's not even that bad, it's just not as good.

"That’s just it.  You make your own ending"  This better not end lke that...I hate when movies and books do that, it bugs me.

Where does Carl work?  Add this, it could be funny.

The old ladies kidnapping door cosing thing...hilarious

You should get a girl to read this, see if the romantic stuff newton say's is up to par.  I'm sure they'd love it.

"Would you care for a roll, milady?" Ha!  That last shirt could beat out vote for Pedro and this one could beat out any that said : "I caught you a delicious bass."

You did the thing where you capitolize the name twice, this time with Vincent on page 76

Page 81: "I just want to make sure that your ok." should be you're

Page 83: "Nobodies going to talk about the woman I love like that."  Should be "nobody is" or "nobody's", at least, I think...

Page 84:  "There’s absolutely no way that you would stuck up for her like that if that were the case."  stick?

page 84: "I can’t stick up for a friend."  should end in question mark.

Page 85: "...since you asked me to meet you her." here.

Page 86: "No death like morbid death," not?

Page 89: "I’ll use my real name when I get a real article to right." write?

Page 90: "I give you full permission to buy on the cheap." One?

Page 94: "Sara and I are moving together." moving in?
"He probably can’t believe your actually that involved with someone"  You're.

Page 95: "he’s not following you too now after you knocked him out " two.

Page 97: "Your completely missing the obvious here" same thing.

Page 98:  "Nobodies forcing you to stay here." the nobody thing again, I'm still unsure about this.

Page 105: "Your in lot number two." you're

"Just that they’re working on her," Finally!  They're! Kudos to you Mike.

I'm going to kill you for that hearse thing Mike.  I was like, what the hell?  She died?  Ugh.  Very clever though.

Alright, done.  That was great Mike.  You definetely have a way with Dialoughe, and the comedy was great.  If youe ver feel like doing a hardcore revision, I would work a little bit on the more dramatic parts, not necessarily romantic, but dramatic, ya know?  Like parts with vincent.  Great job overall.

Tyler,

Thanks so much for taking a look at this and for the feedback.  I'm sorry that my response is so delayed, but I've been super busy lately (probably obvious due to my lack of posts).

The your/you're thing is one of those aggravatin things that word won't catch in speelcheck, and is just a pain to deal with, but I have gone through this a few more time since this posting and hopefully I've gotten rid of most of them on my own copy.

I'm glad the hearse got you.  If I remember correctly, it got a few others who have read this, and always gave me a good chuckle because I conceived that in the very early stages of writing, and I am so pleased that it paid off.

On another note, which is entirely cool and may actually give you the opportunity to see that "fat and crazy" shirt, is that I have been in the works of selling this script to a producer, and this could be "in the can" sometime next year, which is totally awesome.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thanks again for the feedback.

I promised I’d read this so here’s my take on it for what it’s worth.

For starters the font size you use is 10 rather than 12. If changed to 12 then this turns into 122 pages. There’s a lot of dialogue and like I’ve commented on with your scripts before, I think your dialogue lines are too long (words/line). I’ve been told not to exceed six words/line or eight at the most. You often go over ten! If this were to be changed this script would be even longer, much longer.

This is in my opinion good though because I think you can really do some cutting with this script. Don’t take me wrong, it’s not bad or anything, but on occasion it drags a bit.

Occasionally this script made me think of “Wedding Crashers”. A VERY much toned down version, but still. Newton obviously being Owen Wilson and Carl being Vince Vaughn (I’m absolutely nutso over him).

I think this story was sweet and cute and I’m sure lots of people will really like it. It wasn’t a homerun for me though. I will tell you why and I hope you’ll forgive me for it.

SPOILERS:

I liked Newton’s conversation with Susan, that part was funny. Is she related to Greg?

“Disneyland, but I think you have to pony up for the two day pass for the chance to bang a Muppet.”  LOL, that was good.

I can see where you were going with Dad making all the gay comments, but to me it just made him unlikable and Newton look like a whimp.

Pretty good about Newt’s date with the bank robber.

I think the conversation between Newt and Pete could be sharpened a little. Shorter, but maybe a little more interesting.

The flashback with Jane at the birthday party was pretty good.

The conversation between Newt and Carl over lunch went on for four pages! I think you could do some trimming and sharpening there.

CARL AND LIZ
“So sweet my teeth hurt.”    I think I have to agree.

I can’t believe these “about 30 year olds” are discussing kissing as if they are twelve year olds. Maybe I’m from a different planet, but that part didn’t really work for me.

NEWTON
“My dad has to test the merchandise.  He’s always gotten the first crack at any woman me or my brother has ever brought home.  That’s why I haven’t kissed you yet.”
I have to admit you got me there. When I first read that I was going eeww!! Then I started laughing. That was pretty sick. Good job there.

Liked the Tank part.

Sara and Newt go to a four star hotel for two days, play-fight in bed and still nothing happens? I don’t mean they have to go and actually do something here, but I think you missed a great opportunity to show something going on here. Maybe while play fighting getting into a situation where some stronger emotions evolve, but they both back away before anything goes further. However subtle, but something.

When they finally get together I will hand it to you that you handled that well. It fit in with the rest of the story in that it was nice and sweet. Not one word more than we needed. Good job there.

I liked how Newt took out Vincent. Finally showing a bit of spine here.

I didn’t really buy Newt’s family telling him to leave Sara because of Vincent. If this was real, I think they would have rallied behind Newt and Sara.

When Vincent attacks Sara I was chocked. To be honest with you, IMHO this event took this very sweet story and shifted gear into something ugly. I don’t have a problem with violence and gore (or beheadings, cough, cough), but it didn’t fit with the rest of the story. My mind was not ready for this. This could’ve been cool in a different type of story, but since everything was so sweet up until then, this did not work for me.

At the hospital, I also had a problem with Sara’s parents. This did not ring true to me at all. I am a parent and if any of my kids are in the ICU unconciuos and no one knows if she’s going to come through, I sure as hell would not go home and get some rest. I’d camp out next to her bed until she either wakes up or dies, but going home? No way!

The kissing in the hospital room was cute.

You had me with the hearse thing. I was thinking, What! She died? Mike just ruined the story!

I think you did a good job here, it just was a little too sweet for me. Hero of her heart worked much better for me.

Anyways, I’ve been told I’m weird so take my opinion for what it is, just me, a whacko from another planet.

Tomson,

Thaks so much for taking a look at it, and I definitely see where you're coming from with the length of this, and believe it or not this was much, much longer.  Just ask Greg or Dr. Mabuse, who read the original, horribly formatted forst draft that would have equated to about 200 pages...lol.


This was the first script I had ever written, about 4 years ago, when I honestly I didn't know anything at all about screenwriting.  

I did see this as a really heavy dialogue piece, and always felt that dialogue was my strongest skill, but 10 lines?!?!?!  I'll have to look at that.


A lot of the things in here, to a point were based on some of my actual experiences, although played up to a more comedic effect in some areas, more of a "write what you know" kinda thing.


And there will be a rewrite in the works on this, only I won't be the one doing it.  I have sold the rights to this script, and they will be done by someone else, with some cuts being made, and some changes.


Oh yeah, and I definitely agree with you on Sara's parents.  That bugged the hell out of me when I wrote it, but I kept it in because I truly believed it amplified Newton's love for Sara.


And I'm glad you liked Hero better.  It shows that I'm getting better, and finding more of a niche.  


Thanks so much for reading, and for all of the great feedback.

Mike, is this the script that's being made into a film? Cuz if it is, can't say I'm surpised. This deserves to be in the cinema.

Dom,

This is the one, but I doubt it will be released in the cinema, probably just a dvd release.

Oh, well. I'd love to be able to see it. So, how far into this are you? Like, have you casted the roles yet, or something?

Nope, I just sold the script.  The director/producer hasn't started work on it yet.

Well, It looks like I'll be taking the rights to this one back, so if anyone was interested in reading it before it was taken down, you should have a chance to do so once I make some revisions.

Comedy about relationships, always a good subject to write about. You did well with the comedy part. Newton is the perfect hero to root for. Nothing seems to go his way until he meets Sara, which is great. That's when I stop rooting for him, because he's found what he wanted without any real effort. The love wasn't difficult to get. She just immediately wanted to be with him.

As much as I wanted Newton to succeed, I think he succeeds too early. Your writing and comedic dialgoue kept my interest throughout, but I still wanted that little challenge. Like the type where our goodhearted hero tries, but just doesn't quite make it. For example Indiana Jones. He's confident; has it together, but somehow everytime something goes wrong. Then we begin to root for him again. You obviously have a good writing ability. I think all it needs is conflict. Your other stuff is really good too.

"Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict." - William Channing

Luke Bradshaw

What exactly happened here Mike?  Or is it a private-ish thing?

IAYF,

Thanks for the feedback.  I have a hard time classifying this as a comedy or drama so I call it both.  I wanted the relationship to play out like an actual relationship, with the conflict not coming until later on, in an effort to establish the closeness of their relationship.  This was the first script I ever wrote, and since then I think I've gotten better at creating more conflict for the protagonist throughout.  Have you read something else of mine?


Higgs,

Nothing too private.  The producer made some huge changes and I guess she couldn't make those work, and then couldn't make the original script work either.  I could have let her put it on the shelf, but I decided to buy the rights back instead.  That's about it.

Ahh, so she decided that space just wouldn't cut it after all?  You're better off.  Or at least I am, now My T-shirts still have a chance.

Thanks for the feedback Mike. Good points. "The Odds of Love" is a really good script don't get me wrong. I had no quams about reading it. All I'm saying is if something prevented Newton from reeling in Sara then I'd be clicking the mouse button as fast as I could to see what happens next. I wanted to learn something new about overcoming the obstacles of dating.

I understand what you were trying to do with the story. You were building up the conflict to be between Newton and his family, more than a conflict between Newton and Sara. The interesting part is the relationship between Newton and Sara. The family helps progress the plot, and adds colorful commentary. What makes Sara the one for Newton? If they had met in any other circumstance would they still fall in love because they were just meant to be together? Could their love stand the test if fate got in the way and had other ideas?

Once again man great writing. Humor is the best medicine. You have a medicine cabinet full of it. These are just suggestions and thoughts. You can't help but like Netwon, just put Newton in the tree.

Luke

Thanks, Luke. I can see your point.

I left you some feedback on Burial Grounds, just in case you missed my post.

Hey Mike, has this been filmed yet or are you still sitting on it?

Quoted from coffee Hey Mike, has this been filmed yet or are you still sitting on it?

Nope, hasn't been filmed yet, but I just recently got the rights back, so I'm hoping someone else will pick it up.

Hi Mike.
I decided to read this because its in a genre I'm fairly interested in.  It may be all finished at this point, but here are some things I noticed.

Pg 22.  When their conversation gets down to Newton asking Carl to be his wingman, I'm confused because I couldn't find anything earlier in the date setup that said Liz would be going.

On Page 33, I wonder if using the INTERCUT format would work better than so many sluglines?  Just a formatting question, I love the rythym of the scene.

I think on Page 77, you missed a carriage return.  One of CARL's lines is lumped in with one of NEWTON's.

On Page 78, there are a few lines (the first four in the scene) that seem unnecessary.  I don't think characters often meet to talk without a specific reason in mind.
Also, would characters in a comedy like this have a deep discussion about death?  All of Newt and Sara's banter to that point had been fairly lighthearted and witty.  Also, I'm not really sure how it served the plot or pushed it forward.

Would DAD really not have want to have anything to do with Newton because Sara was moving in?  Dad (or Tank, hehehe) was a GREAT character up to this point.  It just didn't really resonate.  Whether or not Newton stays with her, Vincent is still going to lay a beat down on her.  I think someone mentioned this earlier.

Pages 86 to 101 are good drama, but its a 15 page stretch in a comedy where nothing funny happens.  Might want to insert some more Carl/Liz stuff here to lighten it up?

Definitely a lot of fun to read.  I look forward to reading some of your other works.

-Bob

Hey Bob,

Thanks for taking a look at it.  The feedback is appreciated.  When Newton asks Carl to be his wingman, it is after a previous conversation that isn't in the script.  I can see how it's kind of hard to follow, but the only real explanation to it is when Newton gets back to his office and Sara has left him the voicemail.

I agree that the intercut would work better, but I always have a problem with putting in technical terms like INTERCUT, INSERT, ETC.

The missed return has been caught and fixed in new draft.

Those first four lines are just Newton's curiousity.  Sara asked him to meet her, adn he was just wondering if something was wrong.  The death discussion sets up the payoff at the end.

And the drama is....how can I say it?  Too much.  I've battled this one forever because I always wanted some kind of conflict, and that there should be some element of drama in there anyway, but this just comes at you way too fast, and honestly, too late.

There are others who have commented on that exact same thing, and because of it I'm going in an entirely new direction with this, making it more "light".  Conflict will still be there of course, but I think I'll end up bringing this over to the comedy side completely, rather than teetering on the fence between comedy and drama.

Thanks so much for looking at it, and for bringing up your points.  It's things like that that help soften the blow when I have to slice and dice.

are you redrafting this now or is it something lined up in the future?

I'm working on it now.

Oh cool!

When do you hope to have it finished? I'm anxious to read it.

Hopefully not terribly long.  I've been working on it off and on for a bit now when I have time, but time is becoming more fo a precious commodity lately.

I'll send you a PM when I finish, and I can email it if you have some time to read it.

no problem Mike, good things take time, well sometimes... lol

yeah, email it to me. As I said before I really want to read it.... Should I just read the old draft or would you suggest I wait?

Jay

If you're looking for something on the lighter side, I'd wait.  The current posted draft is quite different than the one forthcoming.  I'd venture to say that they are entirely different scripts utilizing the same characters and some of the basic structure.

Mike,

I'd be interested in seeing this new draft as well.

-Bob

Oh man, I could read your dialouge all day. You write great dilouge that is true to the character and flows naturaly

The story for this reminds me of Fairy Floss. Light, fluffy, airy with very lttle substance. Newton and Sara where dull, sentimental and their romantacised ideals of love and relationships was sweet but kind of childish. If it was me, I would have been scrambling over the pretty, lithe girl to get to the full figured nymphomaniac and form a permanent relationship with her. but hey that's just me. (i found Liz a far more fascinating, enjoyable and sexy character than goody two shoe Sara.)

Tank was a cool character and love the part when gets his revenge on Carl for stealing his bottle of Southern comfort. That was gold.

The meeting of the two leads was a clique and I recall pulling you up for this in another romantic script you wrote. That's twice now. Are you just obeying the rules of romantic genre or are you just a little lazy? Cliques are not a good thing to rely on as they stifle creativity.

While you have mastered dialouge your plot is weak for this story. The first 70 psges feel like one slow first act. There is no conlfict or nothing until Vincent comes into the picture. Vincent was awesome and should have been introduced at the begining and utilised more to create conflict and dllemma.

Zen and Fury was still my favourite of your scripts and I hope one day you will have another crack at something similar to that again.

Tonka,

Thanks for reading it.  I am in the process of a new draft on this one, and it's totally different.  You'll probably be disappointed to hear that Vincent doesn't even appear in it, although the conflict starts a little earlier and goes full blast later in the script.

This was actually the first script I wrote, and i think I ended up going for more of a realistic feel than hitting plot points and what not.  It's more in tune with the beginning of just about everybody's relationships.  What really goes wrong?  What problems do people have?  From what I've seen, not may, as most people are too busy trying to paint themselves as the perfect partner in an attempt to suck them in, going so far as to act "child-like".

The bumping into each other is definitely a cliche, but I think under the circumstances it works.  This script always contained, while other one was used to give the two characters another instance of meeting each other.

Thanks again for reading.  Zen/Fury was actually my second attempt at action.  If you'd liek to see my first, check out "Disposable Heroes", which is located somewhere in Horror or the link in my sig.

Okay, I've been meaning to read this script before you put up your new revised version, but never had the time. I sat down and read the script today. I just have to say, this is the second script I've ever read of yours and I absolutely loved it. I loved every aspect of it. The diologue was off in a couple places, but other than that I enjoyed the read. I read in other comments that you're taking out Vincent. THANK GOD! I wish I was Newton and could knock that guy out too! Other than that, I don't want you to change a thing!

Maybe have her get mugged. Yeah, that'll work. But no more dick of a boyfriend.

Oh yeah, and the ending, it almost made me wanna punch you. Nice twist though. It was perfect. My condolences.

Thanks for the read Braksnen.

I'm plugging along in the rewrite, working on the third act currently, and I've come to a point where I'm giving serious consideration to submitting it not as a rewrite, but an entirely different script altogether.

The new version does have a lot of things from this in it, but the storyline and characters are so different that I can't help but think I'd be better off calling it something else entirely.

I don't know, just thinking out loud.  I guess I'll come to a final conclusion once it's all said and done, but if something new pops up and the character names are exactly the same, well that's the "rewrite".

Quoted from Shelton The new version does have a lot of things from this in it, but the storyline and characters are so different that I can't help but think I'd be better off calling it something else entirely.

I'd say it all depends on how different the charecters are. In the one I read, the charecters are all down to earth.  1 or 2 were alittle...... I think 'odd' is the word, but that's what built the script. The charecters Newton and Sara REALLY created the atmosphere of the script. If they changed alot in the new script I'm not sure I'll like it as much.

The supporting charactes like Carl and dad are pretty much what they were in the original.  Newton and sara have changed a little.  Not so much newton as Sara, but I think her character was just a little bit weak to begin with.

In this version, there's more of a natural conflict between the two that wasn't there before instead of just relying on outside things.

If you decide to read it when it's up, I hope you enjoy it.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure I will give it a new title and treat it as a different script.  I just can't let the original one go.

Hey, Mike. Good strong first draft. I'm about 30 pages into it. I will finish reading it tommorow. But I'll say this. It moves. The diologue is smart and snappy. Some of the jokes are a bit hackneyed though, like "Bond, James Bond", but I'm sure you'll work out the kinks in later drafts.

I feel you put a lot of love into this, and being a big fan of romantic comedies, allow me to say what I think of your script so far...

Honestly, I think it's a lot easier for audiences to relate to 'working class' characters. Newton Lawler comes off as a white collar, middle class guy who lives in a two-story townhouse in Pleasantville USA. People root for the underdog, so if you're trying to get us to like him right off the bat, you might want to think about taking him down the ole income bracket.

One last thing, when people are just getting acquainted, they never, ever, spit out their first AND last name, not unless they have a real bloated ego.

Other than that. I think you've really got something, and don't let people bag on you for having a girthy 123 page first draft. First drafts, in my opinion, should be fat and wordy and begging for a re-write. That's the fun of it. Trimming it down. Making your scenes tighter and more focused. Write on, brother...