Ballad of Dwight Fry Revisited by Frank Dellipoala - Comedy - John a screenwriter, escapes from a London insane asylum. He travels to Hollywood to meet a movie producer... it doesn't go well, until he meets a stranger.    31 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This is a delightful story. John is a well-rounded character with a funny, sarcastic wit.

I was confused a little bit about how John got out of the hospital. I’m guessing that Bridget let him out. If this is a work-in-progress, something that could be worked on is the need for a little bit of background into why someone with slender, female hands would let him out. If there are hints as to who or why, I missed them.

I like the dialog between John and Billie. She sounded young, like a police officer that hadn’t been on the job long and hadn’t put up with much nonsense yet.

I also liked the air marshal.

This brings us to a couple of format and typo problems that take place on the flight:

On page 14 and further on, you have a scene heading, “EXT. LOO”. I know what you are trying to do in locating the scene outside the restroom. However, you are still indoors in an airplane. The correct scene heading would be, “INT. OUTSIDE LOO”

I’m only mentioning this because I was a little lost as to what was happening. I was especially lost when the scene heading was, “EXT. OUTSIDE LOO” and then the marshal searched the restroom. I came to the conclusion that the camera was outside the restroom and that the marshal stepped in, looked around and returned.

The typo I caught was at the bottom of page 17. Billie says, “So your changing your choice…”.  You used the wrong “you’re”. I don’t like nitpicking but since I appreciate people helping me with my typos, I like to pay it forward

The writing is clean and it reads fairly fast. The story has my kind of situational, dialog-based humor. I liked this story.

Hi Frank.  What are you on? I want some of that before I begin to write my next project.

I took the opportunity to read this inanely imaginative piece of of comedic genius and from page to page I laughed as it played out. Insane asylum in England to LA is a unique idea. Love the Tom Hanks joke and John's wit throughout.

Thanks for highlighting Two Moons - Really?

Pink Floyd and Incandescence? Hahaa... Brilliant!

You have a level of imagination that cannot be ignored. I thought it was only me that had lost his mind. Haha.

For me the dialogue was hilarious. I wondered at times if I was your protagonist and unproduced screenwriter, aftrer all it was my script that was the issue here, right? - apart from John's disenfranchised state of mind.

I hope to chew over the fat with you in LA one day. This one won't be forgotten and I will read again when I'm feeling frustrated with my life and where it isn't going.

Great job Frank. You have my vote.  Hahaha...