Is it Warm in Here or is it Just Me? by Michael Godby (D.A.Banaszak) writing as Storm Thorgerson - Short, Horror - A man experiences a wild dream under the influence of a high fever. He discovers his wife is plotting against him and concocts an act of revenge. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Writer,

This was well-written and gave me a strong sense of place.

I enjoyed all the bizarre dreams Duncan was having, thought the twist was a nice touch.

Fade out on the wrong side though. Other than that, no nitpicks I care to share. A strong entry you have here, parameter's met. Good job.

Ghost

One of the best reimaginings of what a fever dream can really be like. Crazy stuff. You clearly have experienced one.

Oh dear, what an ending.

She points to a newspaper-sized ash on the floor...
I think you need 'pile' or 'clump' added in there.

Whacky and silly and I was along for the ride.

I was going to say an Aussie or UK writer, but hmm, I think UK.

Sort of an LSD/Fever dream.  That was insane.  And a little gross-out in places as well.  Shame about the ticket.

The logline caught my attention so I read this script. I liked the creation of the twin who led me to the end of this story.

The plot was  confusing to me but in the end, I understood. It is better to make it clearer.

Good.

Michael

Good dialogue, imagery. Enjoyable.  

Crystal clear description considering how odd and surreal events became. Nice one

Great job here, writer.  Loved the story and even the somewhat gross descriptives.  Although it's been labeled as "horror", I found myself laughing throughout - especially the scene where Duncan is swaying back and forth while peeing in the fireplace.  I was wondering what the revenge was going to be, but you nailed it with the burning of the lottery ticket.  All parameters met IMO - again, great job and thanks for entering this enjoyable read!

Crazy, fun read. Seriously rough dream, poor fellow.

Nice twist at the end. Enjoyed it.

Not much else to say. Thanks for a good read.

Paul

My fave fever-dream, really inventive with some interesting twists n turns.

There's quite a few typos, so worth a once over when the OWC is finished.

Enjoyed it!

Well that was bonkers! but in a really good way.

Can't see how this can be made on a low budget but i enjoyed the read all the same.

All the best

This is one whack job of a script. The descriptions were crazy and
I wondered if the ending would just fizzle down to ember. But
you set up the twist just right. Nice job.

I would like to thank everybody for your comments and advice.

To Ghost &_Ghostie Gal: Thank you for pointing out that FADE OUT goes on the right. I actually didn’t know that in spite of all the reading I have done. I feel like I have been hanging out at the library with my fly unzipped. I corrected that along with other things for the re-submission.

To Libby: You are correct in that most of what was depicted was in fact experienced by me at one point or another, but not with fevers. All I need is a lot of chocolate. However, I am not British but an American, born and raised in the Hudson Valley in New York. After I picked the author’s name, a UK celebrity, I thought I would try to write in a British style with British characters. It turned out to be a lot more work than I expected with the research I needed to do to pull it off. I have a whole new appreciation for overseas writers writing American characters in American settings. In the end, you were able to out me, anyway.

To Steven: I liked your LSD description. It made me look at my work in a new light.
To Michael Yu: I get comments like yours often. My stories are more about the journey than the destination and seem to not have a point until the end.  I’m sure that will change as I read and write more. I’m glad you understood and liked my story in the end and it is better to be clear.

To Ben Clifford: Thank you for letting me know that my descriptions are clear. I have read many dream sequences, flashbacks and hallucinations and have been totally lost. I was worried that my dream sequence would be equally unclear. I can now breathe a sigh of relief.

To Kathy: I was totally out of my realm with a horror genre as a requirement. It’s something I will work on. In the meantime, I’m glad you had a good laugh. It’s a shame I didn’t save the first draft. It was far more hysterical than this. I was worried that my entry would be labeled as not meeting the requirements for being a comedy and not horror. The problem I faced with my re-writes was that the components that pushed the story forward were all humorous. Knowing that you laughed is music to me. Thank you.

To Paul: Congratulations! You had a very good story. I’m glad you enjoyed mine.

To Anthony: I’m glad you consider my fever dream as your favorite. That is quite a compliment. I tried to base the dream on what Duncan was experiencing in real life: Chills, hot flashes, rashes, needing to use the restroom, nausea & losing lunch, and ending with his fever breaking as he dreams he’s back home with his mother.  I saw and was fixing the typos when my lights went out Saturday night. I’m glad I was able to submit something. I think I found and fixed all the typos, at least I hope so. I hate typos.

To Matthew Taylor: I loved the bonkers comment. Thank you. I beg to differ a little about the production cost in that I had cost in mind when I was writing. I realize that this would be expensive for a secondary school production, however, the various effects could be done cheaply. Allow me to elaborate.

The animated slugs sequence is not that expensive these days. Nor is the ripple effects of the liquid floor. There are video effects software packages that can do this on a PC. I did not research a price. I only watched a couple of You Tube how-to videos on this. The same with Terry bursting into flames.

The large hand would be expensive, probably something inflatable for a couple of thousand dollars. It would be set aflame with the same software package.

The Hell scenery was placed on one wall and was deliberately non-interactive with the rest of the set. While the animated imagery would take a small amount of work and not be cost-free, it would be projected on a green screen. The price would depend on the detail of the animation. It may not need to be animated.

The most difficult shot would be where the car backs out of (and through) the garage door into a flaming world. It’s a quick shot but would require a lot of creative editing to mix the house & driveway foreground with the fiery background.

The “driving through town” scene was deliberately written as the camera inside the car looking out to a fiery world. This would be filmed with the car surrounded by green screens that Duncan looks out and reacts to. Footage of World War II, Canada and California, as well as other news footage would be edited onto the green screens. The fiery tornado and clouds could be animated and integrated the same way.

In summary, while the cost could be considerable, with creativity, the budget could be kept low. The effects do not need to be super realistic. It’s a dream, after all.

To Gary: I loved your “Whack job” description. I feel like I succeeded in creating the reaction I was striving for.  

Hi D.A. Captain,

You are welcome. Keep up the good work.

Michael

Just read this and thought it was an excellent dream sequence with touch of hot pepper sauce.

Twin brother? haha.. nice touch.

I can't stop thinking of Terry with the cricket bat swinging wildly at the spiders that cover him.

The conclusion was a great twist with the lottery ticket.

The paranoia could be an excuse because this Terry person is actually his lover and she protects him whilst he plans to kill his wife during his nightmare/fantasy. "How to kill your wife and get away with it."  When he returns to reality though an she tells him he's been sleepwalking is the Piste De Resistance for me. Loved it. Top work and could be filmed on a low budget for sure.

I loved it! Too bad it would be hard to film, but it was a very enjoyable read. Very imaginative. I enjoyed all of it. The only thing I would tweak would be the specific line of Diane leaving the lottery ticket on the newspaper on the floor. That was a dead giveaway that something would happen to it, and since I knew there would be some sort of explosion or fire, I had a feeling the ticket would go up in smoke somehow. If you could work that piece with the ticket in so it wasn't so obvious that would improve the ending. At least for me. Also, I'm pretty sure it's spelled Champagne.

Great work!