Open Casket by J.M. Elliot - Drama - When finding a weeping woman on the edge of a curb, a young boy befriends her and the two develop a peculiar friendship. One that doesn’t last long due to the unfortunate secrets withheld on both sides. 115 pages

Production: Low budget, Character Driven, Minimal Cast. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I’ll start my feedback to point out that you have a few typos but then, everybody has typos.  Normally I would keep notes and write them down but I was too absorbed with the story.

In the middle of page 10, you have, “TITLE: OPEN CASKET”. I don’t know if that is deliberate but it threw me off a little bit. It seemed to be a little out of place.

The opening dialog between Roman and Nora pulled me in. In fact, the dialog was riveting throughout. The characters were well defined through their words.  

I was left totally heartbroken as the story progressed. The way it was written made it sting. I could see actors resorting to cage-match style fisticuffs competing for parts.

The title is perfect.

Hi, I wanted to say thank you very much for the feedback, it means a lot and I truly mean that. I plan to fix the errors as they as seem inevitable. Once again I can't say thank you enough.

Wow just finished it! I love the ending tho it's tragic, but at least it's not typical.  From the middle of the story I've started to guess how it's gonna end, and thank you a lot that you broke my expectation! Also I like the characters. They are alive - it's the most important achievement for the writer I think. I even see who could play Nora - please don't laugh - it's Ellen DeGeneres lol! I know she's old for Nora, but I feel Ellen vibes in her, so anyway... here's my two cents...

Despite the fact I like the story, I think it's more of stage play than a movie. The whole script reads as novella. Too prolonged dialogs, they're perfect, but sometimes I've wanted to yell "Cut!" lol. In my opinion the movie dialogs should be shorter and concise. Plus those two bike fixing scenes are too much. One scene in the garage could be enough. You put your characters twice in the same place doing the same thing, I think it's not working well for the picture. But, of course, it's your vision as an author.  

Anyway I enjoyed reading it. Reminded me "My girl" a lil bit. It has a freshness! It's not one of those one-time-watch Sundance type social pornos. You did a good job. Good luck with writing!

Just thought I’d hop in and say great title!!

Hi Iggy,

I wanted to thank you for taking a read. Your notes have resonated with me and I always felt like the piece did have a play element to it. (Good call on the two garage scenes by the way) I enjoy your thought on casting, I always felt the character would be found through the right voice. It warms my heart to know that you connected with the characters and that you could not predict the ending. (Music to a writer's ears).  Again.... Thank you, truly.

As for SAC, I appreciate the comment! One of the few times I knew the title before putting pen to paper. The image was always clear and clean thanks to knowing the title. Hope all goes well on your path.  

You're welcome! Would love to read something more!

Hi Iggy,

I have another script in this section called "A Few Nights".  It is widely different from what "Open Casket' is, but still holds a darker tone. Feel free to take a gander at it when you have some free time.

Ok, I will. Thanks!

I enjoyed the read too. At no point did I want to give up on it as I was just too intrigued to find out what lies behind these two fascinating characters that are Nora and Roman. I liked the chemistry between them throughout despite the fact that one or two of their conversations probably stretched out a little too long.

Some delightful dialogue exchanges between the two - just a shame I didn't know some of the bands and songs that were involved - I know Rammstein, at least

For me, some of the best work in the script was Roman's trepidation when ever he entered his home. This told me a lot. A lot about his plight without having to use any dialogue or exposition. In fact, in the first instance you might not need to introduce the first shot of Joycelyn, Roman's demeanour speaks louder than actions. Well, for me anyway. In any case, liked how you crafted those scenes.

*Spoiler Alert*

I do like the end. But it is heavy and of course very sad. So I feel your story needs that one last moment - something poignant or touching. Something that Nora does in memory of Roman. A shot of her mowing the lawn he was gonna do or putting his fifteen bucks by his stone - I dunno, I'm sure you could come with something better than that but I do feel it should end with a poignant something. And that's subjective, of course.

In the main, enjoyed it. Wish you and 'Open Casket' all the best.

P.S - As a rule of thumb, parentheticals should all be in lower case. I was advised of this and had to update all my work lol.

Hi Colin,

Your notes have just been put down and will be used during my next revision. I appreciate the points you brought up and would love to know what scene you felt was a tad too long.
As for the call on not showing Joceyln, I completely agree. Having her presence felt more than seen is far more revealing of the situation.

I will gladly sit down and think about a moment for Nora at the end. I am extremely guilty of aiming for the Debby Downer of an ending. But the examples you gave have great merit and I think I already got something brewing thanks to you.

And I appreciate the note on the parentheticals. Some things just sometimes slip on by.

Thank you for taking the time to read the script and thank you even more for typing up your feedback. I know "thank you" can only go so far, but just know, I mean it. Honestly.

Quoted Text I appreciate the points you brought up and would love to know what scene you felt was a tad too long

Well, I think that all the conversations could be trimmed, other than the first one between Nora and Roman as that is needed to build their relationship. Nora and Roman talk about lot a of things - favourite bands, favourite foods, favourite school subjects. They're interesting but none our crucial to the plot so they could be trimmed or cut.

I did enjoy reading these conversations so I only say this because I don't think this particular story should be 115 pages long, I think it could be 90 - which might in entice others to read.

End of the day, always go with your own gut as I'm only one opinion.

That makes sense, I will give it all a finer tune to help trim it down. I know the page count could be intimidating. Thank you for clarifying!