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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror  ›  Season of the Devil Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: June 25th, 2005, 4:29am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Season of the Devil by M Bowman (scoob) - Horror - It is Halloween eve, the small town of Kensingwood is awoken from it's sleepy slumber when a series of bizarre incidents occur. Every child in the town is suddenly missing; the local hospital is suddenly deserted; the town is stripped of electricity, communication is completly cut. Even the police force are struggling to find answers. As desperation takes control of the town, the police decide to unite with the parents of the lost children and search for those missing.  What they dont know is that Hell on Earth is actually a reality, a "Trio Of Terror" has been sent from the bowels of Hell itself, intent on reviving a long lost tradition.  150 - pdf, format


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Scoob
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Thank you Don for putting this up!

I hope people that read this will enjoy it and be able to post views and opinions so I can improve my writing as this is only my second script.

Cheers





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Andrew Romance
Posted: June 26th, 2005, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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I'm reading this right now.
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Andrew Romance
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SPOLIERS










In the beginning you have us exit earth and go through space and what now. All of this until the point where we see the preist should be taken out. It is written brillantly and all but i think it would be better if you have that explained through dialouge and what now. that is only my idea.

I like the whole demon thing. I still have no clue what the point of this is. Hopefully this is explained later because i see no reason they are sent to earth. I also dont think you should have the demons and such cheering. Maybe like a private little thing as the wind blow roughly and what not.

Ohh. Great discriptions you got here. I can see everything you describe. Perfect. Okay ia ma confused now. But i like it.

Err the dialouge between Tom and Megan could be better. Its okay and all but it can be better. Same with his conversation with Lee. Could be better. And i see some set up for Knights Hill around here. lol.

I think the whole thing with Kerry was kinda cheesy. The dialouge again i think needs work. And everyone seems to act childish.


i am starting on the Church scene
the strange wizzing thing coming by happens too soon for me.
for a bigger creep factor i would explore his character a little more before this
i think it would creepier and look better on screen
and i do like what you did to the church.

i like what happens to the kids and all
everything went smoothly.
do not change one thing about that whole scene

things happening in hospitals always creeped me out
this one did.
i like how everyone is disappearing.
it is really creepy and i enjoy every second of it.
this script is getting better and better so far.

okay.
they want something with the kids?
but what?
i am starting to think and wonder during your scipt
it is grabbing my attention.
vewry good job.
this is easily becoming one of my favorite scripts on here

if i were the people.
i would know something supernatural is going on
i mean all kids gone and people think someone did it or whatever
have more arguments amoungst the people
it will add more tension and what not

i am also starting to think this would make a great mystery/thriller
i would take out the whole scene with hell and start off on earth
make the viewer/reader think.
that is my idea.

damn kids are gonna miss their halloween
those damn kids

wtf is up with all the laughing?
hahaha
do the kids have a sinister plan against the adults.
did they make them eat their veggies?

i am starting to suspect that sheriff guy.
i think he is trying to cover something up

the script is good so far.
bravo my friend bravo

the noises are getting a little out of hand.
i mean yes it works but right now you are trying to do scare after scare.
have you seen the grudge? they tried to do scare after scare and i found that movie terrible.

nice little thing you got with the cop
my heart would be beating fast
unless the cop adds something to the story i would have him killed off right there

ahhhh creepy
church in the middle of nowhere
i like it a lot.

i dont like this.
cutting from one scene to another.
it is getting on my nerves.
i know it is for suspense reasons but its like omg cut what cut holy s*** cut ahhhhh cut
you know?
the priest guy says like 2 statements then it cuts to something else.
i think you should stay with him and have him talk or whatever you have intended for him.

now this is what i am talking about
the witch
this is who i have been waiting to meet.
first gory death and it is great.
unsuspecting and all
bravo job with this.
lets see if this can last

YES!
now we are getting to the good stuff.
i like your pacing on this.
you have all the drama and half way through the reader/watcher is like holy s***
i love it.

the whole thing with father keane i think should be trimmed down a little.
i know this is all getting somewhere but it seems to drag on.
maybe have a few disturbances here and there.

this whole cult thing is pretty sweet.
i do enjoy it because it is different.
something i have not seen or read before.
sure ive seen cults and all but this has a different vibe to it and i like it a lot.
i like the killing of the cop also.

for some reason i am thinking of indiana jones while reading this?
haha i dont know why though.

alright i am in the tunnel and they found cult members handcuffed and all.
so are they the people that disappeared and they are all waiting to die?
ok it is them.

alright now to the ending.
it is smart and all but ends too soon.
i think you should add more to it.
and i dont think i fully understand its meaning.
the whole town and everyone is dead?
how did they get in the peoples houses and take all the children
i am sure an outraged mother would go screaming around town and stuff
i think you need to explain a little more.
it seems you left of as if someone was helping the 3 monster things
i dont know.

overall impression

i enjoyed it, yes. dialoge needs work and scenes lag on. Things are not completly explained. It was heart thumping and thrilling. Scenes where your heart will beat faster and faster till you see the stunning conclusion of that scene.

i give you a 8/10 overall.

You can get a 10/10 if you fix the things i mentioned above.
thank you for writing something i did not have to quit half way through.
i enjoyed it all.

Andrew



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Andrew Romance  -  June 29th, 2005, 1:38pm
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Scoob
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Hi Andrew,

Thanks for taking the time to read the script, and thank you very much for you're view it is much appreciated.


AR - In the beginning you have us exit earth and go through space and what now. All of this until the point where we see the preist should be taken out. It is written brillantly and all but i think it would be better if you have that explained through dialouge and what now. that is only my idea.

I agree it is probably too much and needs work although it is vital for the script.
I could have cut down on the "we see" a little and written it better. It is essential i feel for the whole vibe to be how I wrote it as it was, describing this Hell as it is.

AR - I like the whole demon thing. I still have no clue what the point of this is. Hopefully this is explained later because i see no reason they are sent to earth. I also dont think you should have the demons and such cheering. Maybe like a private little thing as the wind blow roughly and what not.

Thank you for enjoying it, but I think everyone has their own perceptions of what Hell is like, if there is one.  This is one that is different, so to see a whole congergation of Demons cheering is something I wont change. Everything is explained but a lot is left to the imagination, which is how I wanted this to be.

AR - Ohh. Great discriptions you got here. I can see everything you describe. Perfect. Okay ia ma confused now. But i like it.

Thanks lol I think maybe I went too over the top on describing things, But the begining of this script is just starting a story. Being confused is all a part of it, it adds some kind of mystery to it. This is not a straight forward slasher.

AR - Err the dialouge between Tom and Megan could be better. Its okay and all but it can be better. Same with his conversation with Lee. Could be better. And i see some set up for Knights Hill around here. lol.

I think the whole thing with Kerry was kinda cheesy. The dialouge again i think needs work. And everyone seems to act childish.

I saved the script and i will read the rest later. sorry i gotta run. cya.

Yes the dialouge between Tom and Megan could be better, I agree. In fact, the whole dialouge could be better I need to improve on this. Basically I wanted the point made without making too much of a deal out of it, as I can always edit it and improve it. As long as the point was put across was my aim, therefore I can always go back and make it more human.

The hospital situation, I agree was probably badly done. The dialouge was the reason why and I could put things differently.

Thank you for your view, I really appriciate it.

I still feel the best is yet to come, I hope you continue to read because it is a slow burner, but I feel this is original and hopefully creative.

Thanks again for your post Andrew, I really appreciate it once more.









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Andrew Romance
Posted: June 26th, 2005, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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I do enjoy it. I will review the rest tomorrow. I get off work at 6 so around 7 or 8 you will have the rest of your review.

And this is original. When i read it i only think of one movie. Constantine. Probably because it deals with heaven and hell and demons and all.

And this is very creative.

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Nixon
Posted: June 28th, 2005, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Just read it and really enjoyed it. I liked how you described the city of the damned.
Keep up the good work. Do you have anything else on this site I could read?

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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Scoob
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Thank you, Im really pleased you enjoyed it.

The only other script I have on here is Friday The 13th - Rotten Flesh which was the first script I have written.

Im currently working on another script, so far titled Malevolent, which will be very much in the slasher genre.



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Andrew Romance
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i added more to the review

i got through half of it and i promise i will read the rest.
i am just really tired and im not in the mood to read anymore.
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bert
Posted: June 29th, 2005, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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Scoob:  Read this over lunch today.  Really liked it, and found it unique enough to keep the reader engaged.  Got a few thoughts

(and spoilers):


*  I like the beginning alot.  Very clever introduction to the villians of the story, and we look forward to seeing them later.  But I'm getting a weird "Power Rangers" kind of vibe from it.  The kind where you ask, "Why are the ultimate forces of evil, from galaxies away, concentrating on this crummy little town?"
*  An exchange between Officer Milner and Leroy:  I'm sure that you mean "extinguish", not "distinguish".
*  You get to the disappearances nice and quick, but the scenes at the police station and searching through the woods become tedious after a while.  Trims could be made.  Get them to the church (and the hill) faster.
*  On the hill, Steven gets tied up pretty quick.  This part confused me.
*  After what Father Keane tells us about the church, I wonder why (how) they have a janitor.
*  The computer thing is excellent, particularly the payoff!  Wait.  Now I have to take that back.  It goes on too long.  Stop at the LIST, which is MUCH more potent than anything that comes on the computer afterwards.  Honestly.  This list, scrolling slow enough to read at first, then picking up speed, would be a much more frightening and effective payoff for this scene.
*  The cult "prayed", not "preyed".  Well, they preyed, too, I guess.  But it's not what you mean to say.
*  The witch is the coolest to me.  Since you seem to be buds with Roby, why not ask him for some help with the verses.  I'll bet he has some ideas for you when he's done reading.
*  And the end.  Um...OK, I guess.  It's really, really abrupt.  So, the whole nation is dead?  From these three?  They have been awfully busy, I guess.  And why not the whole world?  I guess it just left me a little confused as to what had really been going on over these couple of days.  If that was your intent (a little confusion), then you accomplished that.  But if you meant for us to completely understand what was going on, you missed the mark by a bit and need more explanation.

Good job, man.  I hope you get some more readers for this.


Now Playing:  Mighty Fire
The new short script from Robert Newcomer

My other stuff HERE
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Andrew Romance
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i completed my review. scroll up for the rest.
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Scoob
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Andrew and Bert, thank you guys for taking the time to read my script and review it, I really appreciate you taking the time to do so.

Im delighted you both enjoyed it and I will write a responce to you're reviews tomorow as it is nearly 4 am here now and I need some sleep

Thanks again,





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Scoob
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Andrew - Thank you for the review. I will now do my best to try and comment!

AR: things happening in hospitals always creeped me out
this one did.
i like how everyone is disappearing.
it is really creepy and i enjoy every second of it.
this script is getting better and better so far.

Thank you, I cut a scene out from this when Kerry and Jack are heading towards the elevator to make it shorter so im really pleased it still has an effect. Cheers!

AR: if i were the people.
i would know something supernatural is going on
i mean all kids gone and people think someone did it or whatever
have more arguments amoungst the people
it will add more tension and what not

I think having more arguments is a good idea and that is what I tried to do between Tom and Leroy, and filter it down so everyone in the group was affected by the tension. As for the supernatural element, maybe a certain age group might have jumped to that conclusion and indeed be correct. These characters are at the point where they no longer belive in anything, let alone the supernatural. Not many level headed people i know that are 35 plus care too much for the supernatural so I based it on what they would think. Plus they are dealing with their own childrens lives, the last thing they need to think about is something they cant understand. The character to bring this to the forefront was Father Keane.

AR: am also starting to think this would make a great mystery/thriller
i would take out the whole scene with hell and start off on earth
make the viewer/reader think.
that is my idea.

I was thinking of making this a straight out mystery thriller but the intention was to deliver a solid horror. I am still in two minds whether to keep or alter the begining, it can either throw people off or it may intrigue them. I still dont know lol

AR: the noises are getting a little out of hand.
i mean yes it works but right now you are trying to do scare after scare.
have you seen the grudge? they tried to do scare after scare and i found that movie terrible.

I have seen the Grudge once and I enjoyed it, but it was no influence whatsoever on this! lol. I dont really regret the fake scares as you know one is going to be real soon enough, it's just playing with the mind a little i guess.

AR: i dont like this.
cutting from one scene to another.
it is getting on my nerves.
i know it is for suspense reasons but its like omg cut what cut holy s*** cut ahhhhh cut
you know?
the priest guy says like 2 statements then it cuts to something else.
i think you should stay with him and have him talk or whatever you have intended for him.

Yeah, Andrew I see what you mean and as I was writing it I remember thinking "will this annoy people?" lol. This is something I can change and alter as it definitly is a bit on the annoying side. The "CUT TO", I do too many times and I will try and recitfy this.

AR: the whole thing with father keane i think should be trimmed down a little.
i know this is all getting somewhere but it seems to drag on.
maybe have a few disturbances here and there.

I agree, as long as the tale is told. I cant really shorten what he says, but I will try to put this and your last comment into a joint conversation.

AR: for some reason i am thinking of indiana jones while reading this?
haha i dont know why though

LOL. I did actually think the same thing when I was writing it, I thought to myself "What the hell is this, and where is this going?". But that was part of the idea, to keep things interesting and fresh.

AR: ight now to the ending.
it is smart and all but ends too soon.
i think you should add more to it.
and i dont think i fully understand its meaning.
the whole town and everyone is dead?
how did they get in the peoples houses and take all the children
i am sure an outraged mother would go screaming around town and stuff
i think you need to explain a little more.
it seems you left of as if someone was helping the 3 monster things
i dont know.

The ending is how you percieve it, really. You can make your own mind up on what happend. It's pretty open.
I tried to combat the outraged mother/parent situation with someone throwing a brick at the police station. There was mass chaos on the street, maybe I need to outline this better.
The ending might not be the ending....
Thank you Andrew for your review, thank you for taking to time to write it as it was very informal and helpful and I will take all points aboard and work on it.

Cheers





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Scoob
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Hi Bert, Thank you for the great review and I will try and answer some of your queries.

Bert: * I like the beginning alot. Very clever introduction to the villians of the story, and we look forward to seeing them later. But I'm getting a weird "Power Rangers" kind of vibe from it. The kind where you ask, "Why are the ultimate forces of evil, from galaxies away, concentrating on this crummy little town?"

Bert, that is a very good question. My only answer is that the Cult in Kensingwood are the only cult to worship this "evil power", therfore they had no other choice of destination. It is also the only place they could return, having been banished so many centuries ago in the same local. But sure, I take your point and it is a very valid one.

Bert: * An exchange between Officer Milner and Leroy: I'm sure that you mean "extinguish", not "distinguish".
I will alter this, thanks.

Bert: You get to the disappearances nice and quick, but the scenes at the police station and searching through the woods become tedious after a while. Trims could be made. Get them to the church (and the hill) faster.
Agreed. I did plod along a bit with pointless scenes here and I will work on cutting these down.

Bert: * On the hill, Steven gets tied up pretty quick. This part confused me.

I could alter this scene, but I wanted it to be as if he was waking up with the reader/viewer so you are as confused as he is. Who knows how it was done?

Bert: * After what Father Keane tells us about the church, I wonder why (how) they have a janitor.

Great point. I have no explanation. You have me there lol. I will sort that out.

Bert: * The computer thing is excellent, particularly the payoff! Wait. Now I have to take that back. It goes on too long. Stop at the LIST, which is MUCH more potent than anything that comes on the computer afterwards. Honestly. This list, scrolling slow enough to read at first, then picking up speed, would be a much more frightening and effective payoff for this scene.

I agree, I probably did over do the computer thing. I appreciate you liking this, but I cant take full credit as this kind of scene has appeared in a book called "Phantoms" and in a film "Prince Of Darkness".I took bits of both mixed them up with my idea and came out with that. I still think I carried it off in my own original way though!

Bert: * The witch is the coolest to me. Since you seem to be buds with Roby, why not ask him for some help with the verses. I'll bet he has some ideas for you when he's done reading.

Im glad you liked the villains, the Witch does have most personality out the trio since she is the only one that speaks! She only speaks in rhymes, something I messed up on a couple of times but I will sort that out. Maybe me and Andrew can work together on a story together sometime, it would be interesting. But not this, it would have to be something we both create together,  if he would even want to that is!

Bert: * And the end. Um...OK, I guess. It's really, really abrupt. So, the whole nation is dead? From these three? They have been awfully busy, I guess. And why not the whole world? I guess it just left me a little confused as to what had really been going on over these couple of days. If that was your intent (a little confusion), then you accomplished that. But if you meant for us to completely understand what was going on, you missed the mark by a bit and need more explanation.

The end was meant to be just that. It is down to what you want to believe happened and what the result was in the end. Who knows who is dead? What has been going on ? Has this been happening in other cities, other countries?
Thank you Bert for your great review, and for taking time to do so. I have taken your points aboard and will set about working on them in the light of day!

Cheers!!



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chism
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I read the first fwe pages of this script this mornning and I found it to be very well written. As in your F13 script, you're writing style is eliquent and fluent. You have a great way with words.

I will read the rest of it tonight and give you my feedback on it a little later. And I'm still waiting for another draft of Rotten Flesh. That likely to be popping up any time soon???

Cheers, Chism.
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