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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Hatcher Pass Moderators: bert
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  Author    Hatcher Pass  (currently 1030 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: November 12th, 2016, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hatcher Pass by  D Ross Kellett - Horror, Sci Fi - A young woman on a camping trip, trapped in a repeating nightmare where her friends are killed by cannibals, fights back to break the murderous cycle. 109 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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angelus77
Posted: November 13th, 2016, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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A preemptive thank you to anyone offering feedback on my latest screenplay, HATCHER PASS. I will reciprocate all reviews.


Check out my short film, GRIEF, from Fugo Studios, at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJxL-OqvILk&list=HL1336781751&feature=mh_lolz

Check out the trailer for my film, SERPENT, coming soon to a theatre near you from Mind Venture Pictures. http://www.vimeo.com/16410439

I will reciprocate all reviews.
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Angry Bear
Posted: November 13th, 2016, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on writing a feature!  

Have you tried posting on the script exchange board? http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/

It can be tricky to get feedback on a feature. Sometimes it's easier if you offer to exchange with someone.  


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JakeJon
Posted: November 18th, 2016, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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D Ross,
Take the tip; do a script exchange.

That being said, I read your script.  Here's the bad news.  I'm pretty certain I'm old enough to  be your grandfather; father age definitely.  I write soupy, dramedies;  one feature and a bunch of shorts.  Believe me, not your kind of stuff.  No reciprocation necessary.

I'm not a fan of horror and gore.  Just trying to expand my "knowledge genre bridge". I can't even watch "The Walking Dead". Your Logline met my requirement.  So,  you may want to scrap the rest of this now.

You're obviously schooled in Screenplay writing format; nothing to add here.

Anyway,  initially I was concerned with the story overall structure, the "LONESOME COUNTRY MUSIC" builds and I'm hearing Sonny and Cher, I GOT YOU BABE, Bill Murray, Groundhog Day. Once I got into it; no concern.  A difficult writing task to repeat actions,scenes, dialogue and keep the story visually interesting.  I thought you did this well.
Your strong suit was your character descriptions and dialogue banter; creative, cute, enjoyable and most importantly, believable.  Occaisionally, overwritten perhaps. But we all get carried away at times.   The gore, the blood, the graphic violence was...colorful and exciting; amen.

So, Angela discovers she can kill them, when BABY falls over the trip wire.  She connects the 3 red evergreen tree logos on the store roof, to their tatoos and goes on the offensive.  I wondered at first how she found their farmhouse?  Once you reveal that Oliver is running the show, anything that happens or happened became possible.   Yes, the ending was a surprise and satisfying;  She eliminates the cannibal family, becomes a happy video game character and  gets her man.  All thanks to game creator, nerdy Oliver.

"You're the creator.  You made every tree, every cloud, every person in this world.  You owe me better than that."  Oliver can't look her in the eye.

Oliver had a thing for Angela from the start of the "game". Why wouldn't Oliver as creator go for the gold?  Nah, Your ending is better.

Nice job.  Good luck with it.

JJ

















Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JakeJon  -  November 19th, 2016, 9:15am
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angelus77
Posted: November 23rd, 2016, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the review. I'll definitely do a script exchange.

I meant what I said... I'll take a look at your work and give you a review. I'm not a big fan of the horror genre either. That's why Hatcher Pass has that sci-fi element to it. But I've found that a slick low-budget horror/thriller is a great way to break into Hollywood. I used to write big epics or high-concept comedies but I didn't land an agent until I started writing horror.

Ultimately it comes down to the writing. A good script is a good script, no matter the genre. If soupy drama is your thing, then become great at that thing!


Check out my short film, GRIEF, from Fugo Studios, at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJxL-OqvILk&list=HL1336781751&feature=mh_lolz

Check out the trailer for my film, SERPENT, coming soon to a theatre near you from Mind Venture Pictures. http://www.vimeo.com/16410439

I will reciprocate all reviews.
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_ghostwriter
Posted: November 24th, 2016, 12:04am Report to Moderator
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@angelus77

I read this over the weekend, but didn't leave any comments.  I still have notes to finish up on a couple of other scripts. So give me a few days to give you my overall thoughts on "Hatcher Pass."

In general, I thought the mood was good, nice visuals, the pacing was good -- maybe a little too much set up at the beginning.   Oh... lemme just say, I wasn't necessarily hooked on the horror, per se, but this one grabbed my attention for the science fiction element.  

You mentioned this...


Quoted Text
It's Friday the 13th meets Groundhog's Day!


Probably, but for me, obvious influences that came to mind was the visceral, terrifying experience in “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”   And the waking up again and again feels very "Edge of Tomorrow." You know, Cage finds himself inexplicably thrown into a time loop-forcing him to live out the same brutal combat over and over, fighting and dying again...and again.  But with each battle, Cage becomes able to engage the adversaries with increasing skill...

Anyway, I'll be back, hopefully sooner rather than later.

Ghostie


THE TIME GUARDIAN: KING SAUL JUGGERNAUT - scyfy

DAMNED GUNS OF HATTIE MAE RAVENHAWK - western

HOT CANARY ON A COLD WINTER'S NIGHT - suspenseful, erotic thriller

CLASH OF THE AMAZONS - action, fantasy & adventure
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angelus77
Posted: November 27th, 2016, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Ghostwriter. Any script of yours I can review?


Check out my short film, GRIEF, from Fugo Studios, at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJxL-OqvILk&list=HL1336781751&feature=mh_lolz

Check out the trailer for my film, SERPENT, coming soon to a theatre near you from Mind Venture Pictures. http://www.vimeo.com/16410439

I will reciprocate all reviews.
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angelus77
Posted: November 27th, 2016, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JakeJon
D Ross,
Take the tip; do a script exchange.

That being said, I read your script.  Here's the bad news.  I'm pretty certain I'm old enough to  be your grandfather; father age definitely.  I write soupy, dramedies;  one feature and a bunch of shorts.  Believe me, not your kind of stuff.  No reciprocation necessary.

I'm not a fan of horror and gore.  Just trying to expand my "knowledge genre bridge". I can't even watch "The Walking Dead". Your Logline met my requirement.  So,  you may want to scrap the rest of this now.

You're obviously schooled in Screenplay writing format; nothing to add here.

Anyway,  initially I was concerned with the story overall structure, the "LONESOME COUNTRY MUSIC" builds and I'm hearing Sonny and Cher, I GOT YOU BABE, Bill Murray, Groundhog Day. Once I got into it; no concern.  A difficult writing task to repeat actions,scenes, dialogue and keep the story visually interesting.  I thought you did this well.
Your strong suit was your character descriptions and dialogue banter; creative, cute, enjoyable and most importantly, believable.  Occaisionally, overwritten perhaps. But we all get carried away at times.   The gore, the blood, the graphic violence was...colorful and exciting; amen.

So, Angela discovers she can kill them, when BABY falls over the trip wire.  She connects the 3 red evergreen tree logos on the store roof, to their tatoos and goes on the offensive.  I wondered at first how she found their farmhouse?  Once you reveal that Oliver is running the show, anything that happens or happened became possible.   Yes, the ending was a surprise and satisfying;  She eliminates the cannibal family, becomes a happy video game character and  gets her man.  All thanks to game creator, nerdy Oliver.

"You're the creator.  You made every tree, every cloud, every person in this world.  You owe me better than that."  Oliver can't look her in the eye.

Oliver had a thing for Angela from the start of the "game". Why wouldn't Oliver as creator go for the gold?  Nah, Your ending is better.

Nice job.  Good luck with it.

JJ


















Thanks, JakeJon, do you have a script in mind for me to review? I think something's wrong with my computer and I'm having trouble seeing your script submissions.


Check out my short film, GRIEF, from Fugo Studios, at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJxL-OqvILk&list=HL1336781751&feature=mh_lolz

Check out the trailer for my film, SERPENT, coming soon to a theatre near you from Mind Venture Pictures. http://www.vimeo.com/16410439

I will reciprocate all reviews.
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angelus77
Posted: December 2nd, 2016, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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writing!


Check out my short film, GRIEF, from Fugo Studios, at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJxL-OqvILk&list=HL1336781751&feature=mh_lolz

Check out the trailer for my film, SERPENT, coming soon to a theatre near you from Mind Venture Pictures. http://www.vimeo.com/16410439

I will reciprocate all reviews.
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Digitaldecayfilms
Posted: January 19th, 2017, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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This is an absolutely fantastic screenplay!  Well paced, razor-sharp dialogue, and very well written action.

I don't really have any notes for you, but I did have a question.  Years ago, there was another screenplay on this site called "Starvation Gulch" and certain parts of the first act and the characters reminded me of this script.  Are you also the author of "Starvation Gulch" ?


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angelus77
Posted: January 19th, 2017, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Digitaldecayfilms
This is an absolutely fantastic screenplay!  Well paced, razor-sharp dialogue, and very well written action.

I don't really have any notes for you, but I did have a question.  Years ago, there was another screenplay on this site called "Starvation Gulch" and certain parts of the first act and the characters reminded me of this script.  Are you also the author of "Starvation Gulch" ?


Wow... can't believe you remembered that one! Yes, Starvation Gulch was mine. I essentially took the first 30 pages, tweaked a few things, and then added the Groundhog's Day meets Cabin in the Woods twist.

Great catch!


Check out my short film, GRIEF, from Fugo Studios, at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJxL-OqvILk&list=HL1336781751&feature=mh_lolz

Check out the trailer for my film, SERPENT, coming soon to a theatre near you from Mind Venture Pictures. http://www.vimeo.com/16410439

I will reciprocate all reviews.
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Digitaldecayfilms
Posted: January 19th, 2017, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
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That's fantastic!  I REALLY REALLY loved that screenplay, one of the best un-produced works I've ever read.


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eldave1
Posted: January 20th, 2017, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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I really dislike horror - but read the first 20 to broaden my horizons.

1. Solid writing. Descriptions in the first scene were especially vivid.

2. Dialogue - in general, solid.

My only critique, and it may not be fair since I read 20, is that the characters struck me  as stereotypes.  A jock, a stoner, a girl into her looks, etc. Made me hesitant to go on the journey with them. I would have been more interested if they were different from what I was used to seeing.

You definitely have talent.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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angelus77
Posted: January 22nd, 2017, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
I really dislike horror - but read the first 20 to broaden my horizons.

1. Solid writing. Descriptions in the first scene were especially vivid.

2. Dialogue - in general, solid.

My only critique, and it may not be fair since I read 20, is that the characters struck me  as stereotypes.  A jock, a stoner, a girl into her looks, etc. Made me hesitant to go on the journey with them. I would have been more interested if they were different from what I was used to seeing.

You definitely have talent.


Thank you for the comment but, as a general rule, I wouldn't review a script unless I had read the entire work. Especially true in this case. You will see why these characters are written as stock horror movie cliches once you read a bit further. Hint: it ties in with the twist.

I look forward to your thoughts if you have a chance to finish.



Check out my short film, GRIEF, from Fugo Studios, at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJxL-OqvILk&list=HL1336781751&feature=mh_lolz

Check out the trailer for my film, SERPENT, coming soon to a theatre near you from Mind Venture Pictures. http://www.vimeo.com/16410439

I will reciprocate all reviews.
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angelus77
Posted: February 11th, 2017, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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just finished another pass, thank you all for the feedback!


Check out my short film, GRIEF, from Fugo Studios, at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJxL-OqvILk&list=HL1336781751&feature=mh_lolz

Check out the trailer for my film, SERPENT, coming soon to a theatre near you from Mind Venture Pictures. http://www.vimeo.com/16410439

I will reciprocate all reviews.
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