SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is October 21st, 2018, 12:46pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Scripts of the October OWC

The Night Gallery 7 Week Challenge

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  MQ-LC4 - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    MQ-LC4 - OWC  (currently 411 views)
Don
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 9:40am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12528
Posts Per Day
1.93
MQ-LC4 by 0 - Short, Drama, Sci Fi - Heat was just the beginning of the end.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
JEStaats
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
555
Posts Per Day
0.69
Well...now THAT was ambitious. A good story that needs to escape the limitations of this OWC. As it is, it's okay. It needs to be written without restraint.

For this, there's no need to name the characters as it's totally lost if filmed the way it stands now. Not a big fan of the telemetry either and not sure that it's even necessary. I think we would get the gist without it. Maybe not the context but we'd know that shit's hit the fan.

Also, I think the bug-zapper effort should be expanded or elaborated. It would be a cool security system if the house was in a dome of electrified mesh.

Good effort, but like I said, the limitations just didn't do it justice.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 23
Angry Bear
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
God Queen of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6343
Posts Per Day
1.63
Great script that read like a script, not prose. Precise descriptions of actions and objects. It had heat and suspense. Good story that I think this writer should think about turning into a feature!

Nitpicks. I don't think you can see someone's eyes through a welders mask. They are VERY dark. Also, I didn't get why the girls slept in separate bedrooms. You'd think after something traumatic as this has happened, they would want to be near each other.

Great work!


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 23
MGray
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
Red


Posts
42
Posts Per Day
0.44
Cool idea.
I would be impressed to see the ideas from the telemetry words done visually through a quick montage instead.
Nicely visual. Definite suspense and heat is key.
A couple smaller things:
1] When she is attaching things to a mesh wall held up by ropes it's a little confusing, as we can't envision what the ropes are attached too.
2] At the end, wouldn't it be better to say "She is small. And alone. But mighty" instead of "She is small. But mighty. And alone"?
I enjoyed this writing. The story didn't make me want to read this particular piece more than once, but I would definitely be interested to see what else this writer comes up with.
Nice work!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 23
eldave1
Posted: August 4th, 2018, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
3776
Posts Per Day
2.45
Met the theme for sure - nice.

Not sure you need a title card on a 6 page short

Writing - solid, efficient - crisp. Someone who knows what they're doing.

Interesting concept


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 23
Dreamscale
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
Blue


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
10234
Posts Per Day
2.57
WOW!  What's with the the Title Page?  Very cool, actually, but also a bit distracting.

Let's see what we have here...

Well, the "telemetry" scroll is interesting and sets everything up, but in a no dialogue 6 page script, is this already too big a concept?

Personally, I am very against using "we" in scripts, but there is a time and a way it works, and it works here.

Writing is quite good.

A title card on the bottom of Page 1...of a 6 page script?  A little much, don't you think?

As I said earlier, the writing is very good, but then we get this - "Figure stops breathing. Can see widened white eyes through the tinted welding shield." - which is very poorly written.  It just really sticks out compared to what we've read so far.

OK, calling this character "Figure" doesn't work at all for me and is very annoying, actually.  You're also using a bunch of fragments now and they do not read well.  Most can/should be connected to the previous sentence with a comma, and things will look better and actually read faster.

OK, this is continuing and it really irks me, as I see now that you literally trying to avoid using a subject (character's name, he, she.etc).  I'm sorry, but I hate reading stuff that's written like this.

Although the names of the 2 girls are unique and cool, they're so close, it's tough to differentiate the 2...but...in a no dialogue script, these names would never even be known in a filmed version.

The asides are making this an even tougher read now.  ARGH!!

OK, the end.  Well, for me, the great concept here doesn't pay off like I was hoping, but it's a good script still.  Writing isn't for me and was tough, actually.

But, overall, this deserves respect.  Good job.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  August 5th, 2018, 1:44pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 23
CameronD
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
Green



Posts
576
Posts Per Day
0.32
Your logline is not a logline. It's a movie poster.

The opening scrawl needs work. I think this is supposed to be serious but the way it's written sounds very corny.

One of the strangest scripts I've read here. Killer Terminator mosquitoes! The writing is off in places so perhaps a first draft. "She races out. Points the torch into the sky. Trained on the fucking MQ-LC4s." huh?

It's ambitious but silly as these killer mosquitoes are written so absurdly they become comical instead of dangerous. All the apocalyptic tropes are here. It's full of over the top gore.

It's not a terrible script and the execution of the idea given the parameters are about as good as can be expected for a week of work. But that's about all I can say. Not for me. Left me very indifferent.


http://www.TheFilmBox.org Movie reviews, news, and fun!
http://www.screenplaywritenow.com Write a screenplay. Write. Now.
http://www.SchismSEO.com Separate from your competition. Affordable SEO services
http://www.MyEasyGifter.com Because nobody likes receiving gift cards
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 23
Anon
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
Purple


Posts
127
Posts Per Day
0.16
Hey there. The writing is decent. One comment on that. People in this world are often told a staccato style is the way to write and any action block over 4 lines is a sin. Thing is if you manage to get above a 5 buck an hour reader no one gives a shit about that. Some may disagree but that’s been my experience. But EVERYONE gives a shit about visualising your script in their minds.. Which is why each action block is generally one shot. I notice you sometime break something into two blocks of two lines when you’re still describing the same shot. This doesn’t help us visualise it on screen. So yes - keep things tight and the word count down - but not just for the sake of it.

I think a little change to the intro of your premise could make this much better. The idea that people thought the problem of too many deadly mosquitos should be sorted out with a zillion robot deadly mosquitos is not one that would get past the drawing board. It’s original! But doesn’t make too much sense and has fuck up written all over it. But if the concept is some foreign power designed these things and set them loose to destroy America ... yeh okay that MIGHT make sense. Then they just wait for everyone to be wiped out, hit the kill switch, and hooray the country is concoured. Point is - really cool idea - just make it more believable and you’re good.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 23
Lightfoot
Posted: August 5th, 2018, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
Purple


Location
London, Ontario
Posts
338
Posts Per Day
0.09


Quoted Text
Heat waves refract off blacktop distorting leafless, charred
trees. Abandoned cars dot the freeway.


I think you can cut "leafless" as the trees being charred gives us an idea of what happened and what they look like.

"We did not speculate it would choose killing us over its own kind"

Made me wonder how programmed nanobots could change their minds, unless this is a world with advanced robotics.

The writing was really good in this one and this is the second apocalyptic story that I think would be better as a feature length script rather than a short. Especially this one, I think this is an interesting take on man vs machine and the story here is far too big for a short.

Good work.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 23
StevenClark
Posted: August 6th, 2018, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Upstate NY
Posts
1699
Posts Per Day
0.81
Writer,

Very good! Suspense, heat, and a very original story. Not much bad I can say about this. This is my fourth read and clearly the best so far. Unless something blows me away, this one will be tough to beat, IMO.

Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 23
_ghostwriter
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 2:28am Report to Moderator
Green


I am a writer first and a critic second.

Location
"On the road to Rome."
Posts
744
Posts Per Day
0.22
Got to agree with the consensus on this one, well written -- very visual.  Interesting premise, too.  It's definitely something I wouldn't mind watching... if it were a feature.

Ghostie


THE TIME GUARDIAN: DARK FRONTIER - scyfy

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA - western

RISE OF THE AMAZONS - action, fantasy & adventure

HEATWAVE - faith-based erotic thriller

THE SLEEPING TIGER - psychological thriller
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 23
Cam Gray
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 3:02am Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Glasgow
Posts
585
Posts Per Day
0.58
I ain't no sci-fi fan, but that intro hints at something a bit special here.

The visuals are exceptionally strong, the story feels like the end to something, however. I really would be keen to see this blown up into a feature or a pilot, so long as the standard was maintained.

Pretty bloody impressive, well done writer.

Cam
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 23
LC
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
2811
Posts Per Day
0.76
Every now and then there's a gem of an entry and this is one of them!

Love the pic on the title page. All about the 'sell' and it does it for me.

Have you seen the episode of Blackmirror – Metalhead? https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5710984/

If not, watch it. Great suspense all the way through,  inspired by the Boston Dynamics 'dogs'.

Heat waves refract off blacktop distorting leafless, charred trees.
This opening sentence needs tweaking. 'blacktop distorting leafless' I think perhaps the comma placement is making me read it wrongly. ... distorting leafless charred trees. Hmm...

‘telemetry words crawl'
Are these words sign-posted as we travel along? Or floating and superimposed over the screen? I visualised it in my head that way and know the principle of telemetry but wonder if I'm seeing what you envisaged. Effective nonetheless.

I think you could specify how big the MQ-LC4 is. When it’s hovering above the crow it wasn’t clear to me. Great
stuff with the crow and the intestines etc., but consider it falling over dead after ‘It hemorrhages from its eyes and beak. Profusely.’

Give ' figure ' her name at the outset.

Love the way the MC regenerates. Nice.

Stops connecting extension cords ? Pulls out or yanks? Needs a stronger verb imh.

INT. PRYNNE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT – Suggest you add a LATER here.

Love the exploding MCs off the wire grill.

I'd have them sharing the same room. You can work around that. One of them standing guard at all times etc.

Secures it in her tool belt. To her toolbelt?
She scans (the) area.

Wow! The rest of the action is brilliantly tense and suspenseful. I love that they’re mosquitoes, the image of the artificial syringe-like proboscis is frightening. No-one likes needles.  

I'd tweak some of the opening rundown.

A few impudent suggestions, if I may, which you can take or leave:

Something like:
During the Summer of 2050, global warming reached crisis point claiming an alarming number of human lives.
To combat the heat, we began seeding the clouds with silver iodide to cause rain.
But with (the) rains came hoards (typo) (hordes) of mosquitos.
unleashing an Arbovirus of epidemic proportions)  or: a single-cell parasite causing an epidemic of unseen proportions.
The common garden variety mosquito earning the moniker: world’s deadliest animal.
We fought back (by) creating a perfect genetically engineered soldier –
-The MQ-LC4, a mosquito-like nanobot drone assassin.
We did not (could not) speculate (speculate is too static imh) (What no one could foresee) or: (what we did not anticipate was) or: we could never in our wildest dreams anticipate the nightmare that followed - that it would choose killing us over its own kind (breed).
We had created (a monster) our own hell: (a living hell, our own living hell) or: a living hell of our own making or:
sealed our fate with a weapon of (of our own destruction) mass destruction.

(When) the national emergency warning went out no-one was prepared for what was to follow:

The fight for our lives...

Thoroughly enjoyed this and would love to see it filmed.
I have a feeling it has a certain someone's stamp on it too... We shall see.

Congrats on a fine effort.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 23
irish eyes
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1574
Posts Per Day
0.50
Excellant read.
Used the heat to great effect.

I enjoyed it from start to finish. Very suspenseful and detailed.

One of my favs so far


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 23
Angry Bear
Posted: August 7th, 2018, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
God Queen of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6343
Posts Per Day
1.63
I agree with everything Libby said!

I LOVED the Metalhead episode of Black Mirror!! Tense stuff... and almost no dialogue except for the beginning.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 23
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    July 2018 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006