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Well...now THAT was ambitious. A good story that needs to escape the limitations of this OWC. As it is, it's okay. It needs to be written without restraint.
For this, there's no need to name the characters as it's totally lost if filmed the way it stands now. Not a big fan of the telemetry either and not sure that it's even necessary. I think we would get the gist without it. Maybe not the context but we'd know that shit's hit the fan.
Also, I think the bug-zapper effort should be expanded or elaborated. It would be a cool security system if the house was in a dome of electrified mesh.
Good effort, but like I said, the limitations just didn't do it justice.
Great script that read like a script, not prose. Precise descriptions of actions and objects. It had heat and suspense. Good story that I think this writer should think about turning into a feature!
Nitpicks. I don't think you can see someone's eyes through a welders mask. They are VERY dark. Also, I didn't get why the girls slept in separate bedrooms. You'd think after something traumatic as this has happened, they would want to be near each other.
Cool idea. I would be impressed to see the ideas from the telemetry words done visually through a quick montage instead. Nicely visual. Definite suspense and heat is key. A couple smaller things: 1] When she is attaching things to a mesh wall held up by ropes it's a little confusing, as we can't envision what the ropes are attached too. 2] At the end, wouldn't it be better to say "She is small. And alone. But mighty" instead of "She is small. But mighty. And alone"? I enjoyed this writing. The story didn't make me want to read this particular piece more than once, but I would definitely be interested to see what else this writer comes up with. Nice work!
WOW! What's with the the Title Page? Very cool, actually, but also a bit distracting.
Let's see what we have here...
Well, the "telemetry" scroll is interesting and sets everything up, but in a no dialogue 6 page script, is this already too big a concept?
Personally, I am very against using "we" in scripts, but there is a time and a way it works, and it works here.
Writing is quite good.
A title card on the bottom of Page 1...of a 6 page script? A little much, don't you think?
As I said earlier, the writing is very good, but then we get this - "Figure stops breathing. Can see widened white eyes through the tinted welding shield." - which is very poorly written. It just really sticks out compared to what we've read so far.
OK, calling this character "Figure" doesn't work at all for me and is very annoying, actually. You're also using a bunch of fragments now and they do not read well. Most can/should be connected to the previous sentence with a comma, and things will look better and actually read faster.
OK, this is continuing and it really irks me, as I see now that you literally trying to avoid using a subject (character's name, he, she.etc). I'm sorry, but I hate reading stuff that's written like this.
Although the names of the 2 girls are unique and cool, they're so close, it's tough to differentiate the 2...but...in a no dialogue script, these names would never even be known in a filmed version.
The asides are making this an even tougher read now. ARGH!!
OK, the end. Well, for me, the great concept here doesn't pay off like I was hoping, but it's a good script still. Writing isn't for me and was tough, actually.
But, overall, this deserves respect. Good job.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Your logline is not a logline. It's a movie poster.
The opening scrawl needs work. I think this is supposed to be serious but the way it's written sounds very corny.
One of the strangest scripts I've read here. Killer Terminator mosquitoes! The writing is off in places so perhaps a first draft. "She races out. Points the torch into the sky. Trained on the fucking MQ-LC4s." huh?
It's ambitious but silly as these killer mosquitoes are written so absurdly they become comical instead of dangerous. All the apocalyptic tropes are here. It's full of over the top gore.
It's not a terrible script and the execution of the idea given the parameters are about as good as can be expected for a week of work. But that's about all I can say. Not for me. Left me very indifferent.
Hey there. The writing is decent. One comment on that. People in this world are often told a staccato style is the way to write and any action block over 4 lines is a sin. Thing is if you manage to get above a 5 buck an hour reader no one gives a shit about that. Some may disagree but that’s been my experience. But EVERYONE gives a shit about visualising your script in their minds.. Which is why each action block is generally one shot. I notice you sometime break something into two blocks of two lines when you’re still describing the same shot. This doesn’t help us visualise it on screen. So yes - keep things tight and the word count down - but not just for the sake of it.
I think a little change to the intro of your premise could make this much better. The idea that people thought the problem of too many deadly mosquitos should be sorted out with a zillion robot deadly mosquitos is not one that would get past the drawing board. It’s original! But doesn’t make too much sense and has fuck up written all over it. But if the concept is some foreign power designed these things and set them loose to destroy America ... yeh okay that MIGHT make sense. Then they just wait for everyone to be wiped out, hit the kill switch, and hooray the country is concoured. Point is - really cool idea - just make it more believable and you’re good.
Heat waves refract off blacktop distorting leafless, charred trees. Abandoned cars dot the freeway.
I think you can cut "leafless" as the trees being charred gives us an idea of what happened and what they look like.
"We did not speculate it would choose killing us over its own kind"
Made me wonder how programmed nanobots could change their minds, unless this is a world with advanced robotics.
The writing was really good in this one and this is the second apocalyptic story that I think would be better as a feature length script rather than a short. Especially this one, I think this is an interesting take on man vs machine and the story here is far too big for a short.
Very good! Suspense, heat, and a very original story. Not much bad I can say about this. This is my fourth read and clearly the best so far. Unless something blows me away, this one will be tough to beat, IMO.
If not, watch it. Great suspense all the way through, inspired by the Boston Dynamics 'dogs'.
Heat waves refract off blacktop distorting leafless, charred trees. This opening sentence needs tweaking. 'blacktop distorting leafless' I think perhaps the comma placement is making me read it wrongly. ... distorting leafless charred trees. Hmm...
‘telemetry words crawl' Are these words sign-posted as we travel along? Or floating and superimposed over the screen? I visualised it in my head that way and know the principle of telemetry but wonder if I'm seeing what you envisaged. Effective nonetheless.
I think you could specify how big the MQ-LC4 is. When it’s hovering above the crow it wasn’t clear to me. Great stuff with the crow and the intestines etc., but consider it falling over dead after ‘It hemorrhages from its eyes and beak. Profusely.’
Give ' figure ' her name at the outset.
Love the way the MC regenerates. Nice.
Stops connecting extension cords ? Pulls out or yanks? Needs a stronger verb imh.
INT. PRYNNE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT – Suggest you add a LATER here.
Love the exploding MCs off the wire grill.
I'd have them sharing the same room. You can work around that. One of them standing guard at all times etc.
Secures it in her tool belt. To her toolbelt? She scans (the) area.
Wow! The rest of the action is brilliantly tense and suspenseful. I love that they’re mosquitoes, the image of the artificial syringe-like proboscis is frightening. No-one likes needles.
I'd tweak some of the opening rundown.
A few impudent suggestions, if I may, which you can take or leave:
Something like: During the Summer of 2050, global warming reached crisis point claiming an alarming number of human lives. To combat the heat, we began seeding the clouds with silver iodide to cause rain. But with (the) rains came hoards (typo) (hordes) of mosquitos. unleashing an Arbovirus of epidemic proportions) or: a single-cell parasite causing an epidemic of unseen proportions. The common garden variety mosquito earning the moniker: world’s deadliest animal. We fought back (by) creating a perfect genetically engineered soldier – -The MQ-LC4, a mosquito-like nanobot drone assassin. We did not (could not) speculate (speculate is too static imh) (What no one could foresee) or: (what we did not anticipate was) or: we could never in our wildest dreams anticipate the nightmare that followed - that it would choose killing us over its own kind (breed). We had created (a monster) our own hell: (a living hell, our own living hell) or: a living hell of our own making or: sealed our fate with a weapon of (of our own destruction) mass destruction.
(When) the national emergency warning went out no-one was prepared for what was to follow:
The fight for our lives...
Thoroughly enjoyed this and would love to see it filmed. I have a feeling it has a certain someone's stamp on it too... We shall see.