A few notes on opening pages:

Cap main characters when they are first introduced. The boy, since he ends up being the main character, needs to have a proper name. By calling him a pronoun, that keeps the reader at a distance from the character, something you want to avoid in a screenplay.

"no more than 9 years old." When it's an adult, it's okay to be a little broad with age (mid 20s, for example) but with a child, there is so much difference between ages that an exact age should be pinned down. As is, the boy could be anything from 1 years old to 9. That doesn't help the reader to visualize what takes place very well right off the bat.

Periods in slug lines where they shouldn't be. After the first period following INT or EXT, only dashes should be used to separate the other elements.

The writer doesn't indicate when music plays in a screenplay. That is done in post.

The formatting could be clearer. When we see what is in the TV screen, it would be better if you used ON TV as a mini slug and then tell what we see, then a new mini when we cut away, like (IN LIVING ROOM). Or you could use: ON TV: then what we see in the same paragraph.

Looks like some paragraphs are too thick. Pro script writers get away with this but spec writers are less likely. It's a red flag to many producers that the writer is an amateur.

Directing the letters to form and the way the boy walks into them is another no-no for a writer. You can use titles on screen where needed, and I wouldn't really have an issue with Nyctophobia appearing on screen for the audience to see but don't note the boy walking into the letters as that notes an amateur.


The script was different that it didn't deal with just one phobia, but several. Interesting idea but at the same time, it might be a little overkill. If you have one phobia, the character having to deal with it is more memorable. the reader would remember what the phobia was. With several, it's hard to recall every one.

The writing had some potential but with the thick paragraphs and some other little issues, it became hard to digest. Work on keeping paragraphs to four lines thick or less. That makes it easier to read and comprehend.

A decent try but it needs a lot of fine tuning to make it a champ.

Excellent. Nice writing, and I've seen all those movies!

Writer,

I can appreciate what you were going for here, but any advice/criticism I can throw your way I’m sure has been given already. All I can say is keep in writing, AND reading. And hang out here on SS for a while. You’re gonna learn a lot! Good luck!

Steve