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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Bunny Man Untold - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    The Bunny Man Untold - OWC  (currently 3360 views)
Don
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Bunny Man Untold by Christopher Moltisanti - Short, Comedy - A reporter interviews a survivor of an urban legend encounter   14 pages pdf - pdf, format


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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Bunny man

I wondered how many bunny men we would see. doesn't mean it can't be good, lets see…

p6 and irs been a bit talking heads - no action

LUCAS
            Unconsensual tickling is a
            heinous act.
                   (beat)
            I should know as it happened to me.

seriously….

and followed by…

Be-atches just don't get it! We
            don't want to be tickled for
            fucks sake!

i'm struggling with the tonal shift, but i get the irony that could be used.

Yeah. Fucker likes the Seahawks.  - i support the seahawks, somehow

got a bit american for my taste by the end, i probably didn't get a few gags.

It didn't float my boat, but the reversal of a killer into a tickler is a sound idea. i just think the style wasn't for me.

May be others will be more in tune




My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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LOL!!!!  

Funny shit here.  Pretty obvious who wrote this.

Serious critique would be that it runs a little long, with some definite hit and definite miss laughs.  Writing is pretty solid, with a few little burps here and there.  Dialogue is the highlight and for the most part, well done for both characters.

Only problem I have was that I don't really understand the ending and I don't want to use any spoilers, so I'll just leave it at that.

I call this a pisser, and I don't do that in a negative way, as it is definitely some funny shite, you CuntOx!  


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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nawazm11
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 2:54am Report to Moderator
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"Wouldn't surprise me if
the fuckin' Bunny Man plays it."  

"Tell me...did the Bunny Man
tickle your tummy? Or under your
arms?" You're gonna kill me, man. Stop.

"Both. I was totally helpless." I've died.

I searched up the Bunny Man before this, a nice twist to the legend. Not entirely sure if I'd call this a pisser, it's got a pretty standard comedic tone, nice for a good laugh but not much more. Ending scene is a little confusing, but at least we hear from the Bunny Man himself. I suppose you got what you were going for, so good job on that angle.
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realxwriter
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 3:32am Report to Moderator
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Writing style:
Simple and efficient. It's unfair to ask for more.

Dialogue:
The jewel of this script. It felt authentic and a lot of the lines were actually funny. However, Lucas was a bit overshadowed by Rusty. I didn't hear a distinguishable voice from him.

Characters:
The dialogue made them feel real, but beyond that we haven't seen a different dimension to them. For a character to be fully appreciated, we need to seem him act and react to reasonably distinct situations. All we see them do is tell the story about the legend. His interaction with his wife was a missed opportunity that you should have ceased to give us more insight into his character.

Lucas was very passive through most of script. I wished for some conflict between him and Rusty. He could have kept quoting from his pad despite Rusty instruction. That would have been interesting.

Story:
The big flaw here that's staring me in the face is how the story was told verbally and not visually. Why tell us if you can show us? The whole point of film-miking is to bring told stories to life through imagery. If the incident flashback was shown it would have opened doors for many ways to make this script shine. For instance, you could have shown things disfigured by Lucas misconceptions about the Bunny man which would be rectified straight away by Rusty. Would have been fun to watch.

Also, the twists wasn't handled well. The moment were Rusty revealed the real crime that Bunnyman did to him was thrown out unceremoniously. At every point where the story unfold to change direction or reveal something interesting, you have to milk it. Highlight and enhance these moments.

The last scene didn't add value to the script in my opinion.

Overall:
You have great talent writing description and dialogue, but your storytelling method could use more visualization.

Good luck and well done.
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Dustin
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 3:50am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Too much exposition and I'm only on page 6. I'm going to come back to this one... maybe.
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Ryan1
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 6:21am Report to Moderator
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Wow...this is the work of a sick mind.  The writer took a perfectly scary urban legend and turned it into some twisted tickling sex freak tale with KFC thrown in at the end for vomiting purposes.  Kinda speechless here.

Normally I don't like talking heads giving us all the details and backstory, but Rusty was such a colorful old coot, I actually didn't mind.  Even Lucas began to add some spice as the story went on.  The carrot thing...okay I didn't see that coming.  The Bunny Man killed by five hundred pounds of irony.

Then of course we have the obligatory "He's not dead after all" scene at the end, natch.  Overall, this was quite a unique take on the challenge.  I think this just might win the writer a crappy mug.  Hopefully he brings the mug to his next therapy session.  Yeesh.
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NI-Gunner
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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The Bunny Man legend is pretty bizarre and messed up, and I particularly enjoyed the concept, where he is a tickling menace. Other than that though, I disliked much of the dialogue, it just didn't land for me, and the characters were quite one dimensional.

I think a better ending would of seen Rusty make some money by selling his story, and laughing at Lucas' naivety in believing what were obviously lies. Then have Rusty get his comeuppance as The Bunny Man pays him a visit later that night.

Great concept, decent execution.


"Dead or alive, you're coming with me!"
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Stumpzian
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 10:04am Report to Moderator
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The plus here is the idea. The Bunny Man tickles. That's funny.

Great lines: Unconsensual tickling's a heinous act. I don't believe in a God that would allow indiscriminate male tickling.

What I did not like:

1. Missing  apostrophes all over the place (thats, its).

2. Rusty. I've known a lot of Rusty types, and this one's too much a stereotype.

3. Lucas. He identifies himself as a Washington reporter, but he  acts like a timid kid working for a high school paper. THEN, he totally shifts character. Now he's somebody else, spittin' and guzzlin' and smokin' weed.

4. Killed by carrots. Excellent potential, but it has to be set up somehow. Only through subsequent dialogue do we find out where they came from.

5. KFC ending. Way over the top. I can imagine the idea seemed funny (for about two seconds), but it's not.




Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Stumpzian  -  February 18th, 2015, 2:37pm
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wonkavite
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I'll be.  A bunny-costume serial killer.  Never 'a heard o' that one, hear?

That said - I think this one's got terrific potential.  You've got the jokes, the dialogue and the twist absolutely down pat.  A great colorful character in Rusty as well. Very smooth read (except for page one, where the formatting was a bit... funky.)

I DO think this runs on far too long....lapsing from a funny twisted "tale told from a rocking chair" to a talking head scenario that wears out its welcome.  It could be 2/3rd to 1/2 the size, and that'd be a major improvement.  Because it starts to drag... which a story like this shouldn't.  The humor and craziness should keep one riveted to the end.  Given a rewrite, I think this one could be REALLY fun.
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DS
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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Found the pisser! Fun read, despite some dragging and going on a fair amount of pages too long. It's a safe bet this one won't be getting a second draft anyway, so who cares. Cheers for the laughs, will help me get through a few more serious entries.
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eldave1
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
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Great job at Rusty's tone - his dialogue was pretty much spot on throughout.

Way too long for my tastes - I think it could have been pared down by 4 pages or so.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 3:29am Report to Moderator
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Christopher Moltisanti, I miss you. I see you got tired of slashers (Cleaver - little Sopranos joke) and decided to write a comedy. And what a comedy this is. Nice to read something out of the box.

I actually think you write characters really well. Though Henry thinks he's not quite there I really enjoyed Rusty's characterisation. His dialogue - 'that a fact...' 'Now hold there! I'm telling this tale.' etc. and his awful hoiking habit rang true enough for me.

I liked the 'interview' format of this too, though I couldn't quite work out why he was so sensitive about being recorded - the trauma of that past event, I suppose.  

This line and the image that would go with it, is genuinely funny:

A cloud momentarily shuts off
the sunlight and Lucas shivers.


This point below was a lost opportunity for a flashback though. I really wanted to 'see' Cyn and Rusty under that bridge.

RUSTY
Ok, where was I? Right...
(beat)
It had been a wonderful night for
Cyn and me. ... as we were walking home,
she suggested a detour via the rail bridge.

Even so, Rusty relays it well.

I wasn't facing this madman with my nuts out

... the bunny man started tickling me

I think that was one clever idea, the tickling. Never would have thought of that.

Okay, I liked it better when Lucas didn't (hawk) - (hoik, as I would say) and turn into a Rusty clone. I thought he was quite straight laced in the beginning and I liked the character contrast - something to think about perhaps. Once he started with the 'be atches' I decided he was a different kinda guy than I imagined. Still he's a very complex character - and it appears he's had a traumatic experience of his own:

'open slather tickling' - 'introducing it into our relationship' - very funny.

Tickling can be a kind of torture.

I gotta say this is quite nicely put together - perhaps gets a little tedious with the end scene and the carrots but there's a lot to like with this comedic version of the bunnyman so mission accomplished.

The reference to 'Candy Crush' gives a firm nod to the identity of the author - for those who've been paying attention... Unless it's a misdirection.

My only real advice here is: Bone up on those apostrophes and other miscellaneous punctuation omissions - probably down to two things - the story coming thick and fast outta your head, and that you were probably under the gun.

Very enjoyable read and a unique take on the challenge.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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I like a lot of this script, characters work, dialogue zings well and it didn't drag for me.

But I think more could be done through visuals and less through exposition.

The carrots are funny, but wouldn't a ton of feathers be funnier - the tickler, tickeld?

Anyway largely liked!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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irish eyes
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 10:59pm Report to Moderator
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See what happens when someone writes a very funny, well laid out comedy... it gets calls a pisser.
You can't win.

2 parameters for this challenge
Urban legend with a twist... Check
Open genre... comedy... Check

I for one will take this as a serious entry.
Great back and forth dialogue with Rusty's dead pan to Luca's straight laced.  That was until the tickling was mentioned(very clever twist) and then Luca's became a new character. Brought him outta his shell and then he became the funny one.

LUCAS
Be-atches just don't get it! We
don't want to be tickled for
fucks sake!  

Besides the ton of carrots getting dropped on the bunny, this is pretty low budget and would be easily filmed.
It was fast paced and well written.
Overall a great COMEDY and one of my favs so far


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