This discussion is one of the best stripping about a logline I�ve seen. I�m learning a lot with this, surely, because I'm no good on this matter. Oh,  I agree with most of palls here. We have to be concise and very clear about our story.

I've here extracted from Inktip tips on loglines of known successful movies:

INDEPENDENCE DAY - Aliens try to invade earth on Independence Day.

LIAR, LIAR - An attorney, because of a birthday wish, can't tell any lies for 24 hours.

DEAD CALM - A married couple, trying to recover from the death of their only child, are terrorized at sea by a handsome maniac.

THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER - A Soviet submarine captain uses Russia's ultimate underwater weapon as a means to defect to the west.

THE LAST BOY SCOUT - A private detective must team up with an ex-football star to catch the killer of a topless dancer.

Quoted from AlMac ...on one of the forum's the discussion degraded into a debate over the word dystopian, some presuming it obvious, others not knowing it. It resulted in some disgruntled poster leaving the thread.

Hey, that sure sounds like Kevan.  Was that dude's name Kevan?

"Dystopian purpose" isn't English.

Dystopia :An imaginary place or state in which the condition of life is extremely bad, as from deprivation, oppression, or terror.

Dystopian is the adjective form.

An adjective is a word whose main syntactic role is to modify a noun or pronoun.

So dystopian purpose means that the purpose displays the characteristics of an imaginary place or state in which the condition of life is extremely bad, as from deprivation, oppression, or terror.

Which is gobbledegook.

A purpose can be no more dystopian than a cat or a cup of tea.

You would have to invent the word "dystopianistic"  and have it mean that the purpose is to create a dystopia, which I'm not even sure is the point you are trying to get across.


Martin.

You're right about Brave New World. I always assumed it was written later. I'm even more impressed with the book now that I know it was published in 1932! For some reason I had it in my head that it was written in the 50's.

The point remains valid anyway.

Death Monkey.

Forbidden Planet, what a great film.  

Logline:

The World is collapsing into a dystopian nightmare. The President is dead and his son has been exiled on an inescapable island. Only he has the secret  to save humanity but his enemies are many and time is running out.


It's a bit vague, maybe too wordy. There needs to be some sense of who his enemies are I think, or what has happened to the world.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films The World is collapsing into a dystopian nightmare. The President is dead and his son has been exiled on an inescapable island. Only he has the secret  to save humanity but his enemies are many and time is running out.

I think this is the best one yet. Whether it's AlMac's story is another question but I think this logline is along the right lines.

Hey here are my two cents:

1 cent - - While the world is collapsing in a dystopian nightmare, after the president�s death, his son has been exiled on an inescapable island, keeping with him a secret that may save humanity. How long will he keep the secret safe?

2 cents - - Exiled on an inescapable island, while the world is collapsing in a dystopian nightmare, the dead president�s son struggles to prevent his enemies from getting a secret that may save humanity.

Cheers for the continuing replies. This has been quite a learning curve.

Decadence: Yeah, dystopian was out of place in my last logline. "Dystopianistic", nice word! I believe "dystopic" could be used. Also, I like that logline, thanks. I've tried to incorporate it in my new one. And taken the first bit in particular - there's something about the word "dystopian" that I feel it's completely necessary. Perhaps I'm getting a bit hung up on it.

Bert: Nope, not Kevan. It was someone over at TriggerStreet.

In changing the first "bit", it could be (and perhaps should be) "After the government's collapse", as was suggested by Death Monkey. Also, as Dogglebe suggested I've attempted 2 sentences here and, as Martin suggested (as have others actually) more information regarding the enemy and the character's dilemma.

Helio: I like the idea of quickly inserting the background into the logline. I'm working on that still. Keeping perhaps a tie in with the end of the logline. I like the drama you evoke too; my script doesn't really hold any solution to the mass dilemma. Well, at least not one that will aid salvation. I'm still puzzled over whether I should keep it as an enigma or suggest the outcome. Hmm.


During a global collapse into a dystopian nightmare, a leading politician's son is mysteriously exiled to a hostile island, where he must keep order among his lost peers, fight for survival and face an unexpected foe. Will he discover the nefarious purpose for his isolation?

Just re-read the above, here's a slightly modified version, it's probably a little better:

During the government's collapse, a politician's son is mysteriously exiled to a hostile island, where he must fight for survival, keep peace among his lost peers and face an unexpected foe. Will he discover the sinister purpose for his isolation?


Higgonaitor (for the below): I thought that sounded better, thanks!

Use "for".

Al, write your logline as if you wanted a bunch of ten year olds to read it.  Go with the lowest common denominator.  You're not out to impress people with your vocabulary; you're trying to get them to read your script.



Phil

I'm unsure that I can dumb it down that much. Also, producers/agents/etc are intelligent people, right? They must get loglines which are wordy. However, I do understand that it mustn't be needlessly so, nor appear desperately trying to impress. I've cleaned up my earlier version into the below. I think it's getting closer...


Amid a global collapse into a dystopian nightmare, a politician's son is mysteriously exiled to a hostile island: Forced to keep the peace between his lost peers, he must fight an unexpected foe to discover the sinister purpose for his isolation.

"After his father's death, a politician's son is banished to a hostile land where he must keep the peace between hostile clans, while discovering the truth behind his exile."



Phil

Excuse me for interrupting but I just wanted to say that this thread has been quite entertaining.  I hope it goes on forever.  

Quoted from mcornetto Excuse me for interrupting but I just wanted to say that this thread has been quite entertaining.  I hope it goes on forever.

I don't, haha  


Cheers dogglebe, that is pretty damn close: "must keep the peace between hostile clans". And would make more sense instead of "an unexpected foe".

One thing you have to remember:  when it comes to loglines, it doesn't have to be completely accurate with the story.  You can be vague and a little misleading.


Phil

Everyone else is getting in, so I thought I would too.

"After being exiled to a savage island after the death of his father, a politician's son strives to keep the peace between warring tribes while uncovering the real truth behind his banishment."