Quoted from Shelton Everyone else is getting in, so I thought I would too. "After being exiled to a savage island after the death of his father, a politician's son strives to keep the peace between warring tribes while uncovering the real truth behind his banishment."

It's good, Mike, but you may want to change some of your adjectives for a more gripping description:

"After being exiled to a gripping island after the gripping death of his father, a politician's gripping son strives to keep the peace between gripping tribes while uncovering the gripping truth behind his gripping banishment."

See what I mean?


Phil

I do.  It's very...gripping.

Right, here's a new one. Thanks to everyone for their feedback, I know this has gone on for quite a while. I think it would be far easier if I had a simpler script, but alas, I don't. Even this logline only suggests the first two thirds. However, the last bit does indicate to the rest of the story.

Mike, it's interesting that you've left out the set up/background, as it's vital to the plot, but perhaps not the "action", do you think with that info included in the logline, it confuses it?

Amid a global collapse into a dystopian nightmare, a politician’s son is mysteriously exiled to a hostile island, escape seems impossible, as he fights to protect his peers against a merciless gang; while seeking the sinister purpose for his isolation.

Better? Please say it's better.

NB: "while" - I'll change it to "whilst" when sending to British agents, and "while" for US agents.

Plot wise: His Father doesn't die, that would make the twist very confusing. Interestingly though, that seems to be a common speculative thought, on most of the forums that I've posted this. Also, the island isn't a prison, per se.

I just reread all your loglines.  I think I like the first one the best.

Quoted from AlMac Amid a global collapse into a dystopian nightmare, a politician’s son is mysteriously exiled to a hostile island, escape seems impossible, as he fights to protect his peers against a merciless gang; while seeking the sinister purpose for his isolation.

It's too wordy and scattered, IMHO.

Also, is he really isolated when he has peers and enemies there?


Phil

Quoted from AlMac Right, here's a new one. Thanks to everyone for their feedback, I know this has gone on for quite a while. I think it would be far easier if I had a simpler script, but alas, I don't. Even this logline only suggests the first two thirds. However, the last bit does indicate to the rest of the story. Mike, it's interesting that you've left out the set up/background, as it's vital to the plot, but perhaps not the "action", do you think with that info included in the logline, it confuses it? Amid a global collapse into a dystopian nightmare, a politician’s son is mysteriously exiled to a hostile island, escape seems impossible, as he fights to protect his peers against a merciless gang; while seeking the sinister purpose for his isolation. Better? Please say it's better. NB: "while" - I'll change it to "whilst" when sending to British agents, and "while" for US agents. Plot wise: His Father doesn't die, that would make the twist very confusing. Interestingly though, that seems to be a common speculative thought, on most of the forums that I've posted this. Also, the island isn't a prison, per se.

It IS better in regard to the information supplied, but you seriously need to break it into separate sentences. As it is now, asthmatics will be reaching for their inhalors.

Secondly, how is one mysteriously exiled? This is confusing. It sounds like he wakes up one day on an island and goes "Whoa, I've been exiled..."

Also "peers"sounds odd. This gives the reader little idea of who they are. Fellow exiles? Natives? Crab people?

I would go with something like this:

"As the world descends into a dystopian nightmare, a politician’s son is banished to a impregnable (anybody know a dumbed down synonym?) island. Escape seems impossible, as he fights to protect a small band of exiles against a merciless gang; all while seeking the (terrible) truth behind his isolation."

It's not perfect, but I think it adresses some of the issues I mentioned.

Hey Al, I decide to give you one more cent:

During a dystopian nightmare, Hamid-Hamid, a politician’s son fights to protect his peers against a merciless gang.

Cent by cent you will become rich and won't need to write anymore!

A politician's son is banished to a desolate island.  There, he must protect his friends from warring clans while, at the same time, discover the reason behind his exile.


This script better not suck.  That's all I can say.


Phil

AlMac,

So the twist is that it was his father who was behind the exile?

The reason so many people predicted the death of his father was that it would fit in with the Hero's Journey structure. The orphan and his call to adventure. It also raises the dramatic stakes because it immediately gives you a sense that it is a matter of life and death.

Anyway, enough with this thread.

There's a selection of twists, that's why I can't "expand" on it that much.

I've just got back from a chat with a bunch of other film makers/writers. Combined it was what's been said here. May be this is it. Thoughts? It must be close. There's 2 versions, I think I'll be happy to use either (almost, tiny changes perhaps). Which one's better? Any alterations.

As the world collapses into a dystopian nightmare, a politician’s son is exiled – for a reason he’s desperate to discover – to a hostile island, escape’s impossible as he fights to protect his friends against a merciless gang.


When a politician’s son is exiled to a hostile island after a sudden political collapse, he must fight to protect his friends against a merciless gang and discover the sinister purpose for his banishment.

I could change "and", to "to"... Also, protect is defensive, whilst it's countered by "fight", perhaps it could be: "He must organise his friends to fight a merciless gang for a chance to discover...". Something more like that?

Okay. It's been updated. I think this could be it.

When a politician’s son is exiled to a hostile island after a global political collapse, he must defeat a merciless gang in order to discover the sinister purpose for his banishment.

No way, Al! Where is that wonderful word Dystopian something? Bah!

Well, I was thinking... In the query letter there's going to be room for that rather fantastic word!

Are we going to get to read this script at any stage?

I'm sharpening my teeth as we speak...

Ha, well, yeah eventually. I think it's great what this site does with the peer review thing. For now, however, I've got some readers I need to send it to. After their throughts and feedback I'll be sure to chuck it into the system here.

Once again, thanks so much for everyone's help.