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The more I write, the more I question the way I do things. What I think is right, isn't right at all.
So I thought I'd post my query here and see what others think about it.
TINA DARLING
Screenplay by Cindy L. Keller
101 page Comedy
Logline: A loony girl loses and tries to get her job back even though she has been replaced by a sexy girl that her boss likes.
TINA DARLING works at a novelty company and her 5 year anniversary is approaching. She has a husband named JIMMY and a nit-picky mother named ALICE who has called to tell Tina she is coming for a two week visit. When Tina learns of her upcoming visit, she becomes pre-occupied and stressed. So stressed that she screws things up and has one of the worst weeks of her life.
If you liked I LOVE LUCY or LAVERN AND SHIRLEY, you'll like TINA DARLING.
A little about me, well, I have been writing screenplays for seven years now. I have amassed a total of three feature screenplays and many short scripts. I have two produced credits and have won and placed well in screenwriting contests.
May I send you the script for your consideration?
Cindy L. Keller
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
I'm not one to say anything as I don't really have too much experience promoting my stuff at all, although I have had a few successful query letters...
But what I don't like doing with MY stuff is comparing it to other works, (like you compared yours to I Love Lucy and Laverne and Shirley) and trying to just let my work stand on its own. I've seen a lot of advice in books addressing query letters saying for us to tell them what other movies are like ours, but I don't agree with it one bit. You're telling what your story's about, let that person go from there what your story's like.
Like I said, I may be dead wrong in my feelings about it, I haven't sent a query letter in years, but when I did, I've had success with them, and I never compared my work to anything else.
The first thing I would do is remove the "loses and" from the log - if she's trying to get her job back then we know she lost it, and it just reads a little cleaner this way...
I'm going to disagree in part with rc1107 because I've had success in comparing my work to other films - however I think you need to do it in a less bold fashion, because the way you have it worded now you state that just because people like these iconic shows they will like your project as well.
I would do something like "TINA DARLING is a madcap, slapstick romp, a homage to classic shows like 'I Love Lucy' and 'Laverne and Shirley', set in" then give a little about the setting - modern day or past, city, state, etc.
Also, have you thought about going after attachments first? It's very difficult to get reads when other projects are coming in with multiple attachments. I'd try to land a director first, since they would be your best advocate and they have a bit more impetus to read since their quote is pretty much governed by the DGA agreement so there's less haggling - with an agent you're going to get "when you're fully financed send us an offer with the script and we'll be happy to read"...
If not a director, look at some ADs perhaps who could make the jump. Or maybe even cast Tina in your head and go after that actress. With someone on board it would make it easier to get in other doors.
And as you add other elements to your project and you can fill up your query with them, I'd remove the synopsis and leave just the logline. Disreputable producers can steal your idea off a query if they're so inclined.
I would start out with the logline, Cindy. Grab their attention with that. Leave the specs for later.
Maybe change the logline to: A socially awkward and clumsy girl struggles to get her job back after replaced by a sexy girl that her boss likes. Loony just doesn't do it for me.
I'm gonna have to agree with Rick on this one. But don't let that deter you too much! Have you gotten any "professional" coverage for TD yet? You might wanna give that a go, first.
How about an ordinary girl, or something similar. A plain girl. Or just a girl who never catches a break.
Problem is, she has a husband, so things aren't that bad. Laverne and Shirley were always looking for the right guy. Lucy had Ricky, but that's a different kind of show.
Plus, these are sitcoms, your's is a movie. Is there a movie you can compare it to?
Is this mostly about the mother in law relationship? Maybe that should be more in the log.
Should the names of her husband and mother and law be in the description?
My knowledge of queries is less than limited, sorry if this doesn't help.
logline: Tina Darling , while dealing with a visit from her nit-picking mother in law, tries to fix her troubled marriage and regain the job she lost to a young beauty, but manages to only screw things up more than ever.
Might be better if we know where she worked...High Finance, Secret Service...whatever...the bigger the better.
I usually agree with Rick, but not here, though I think maybe he might have just missed that detail.
I actually like the Novelty Shop angle -- and I think it speaks very favorably to the tone (and the budget) of your script as opposed to the other options Rick has put out there.
Off the cuff....I would say change "a loony girl" to "an eccentric novelty shop clerk", which also makes you wonder a bit about the sex-pot that stole her job....
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