Quoted from bert I usually agree with Rick, but not here, though I think maybe he might have just missed that detail. I actually like the Novelty Shop angle -- and I think it speaks very favorably to the tone (and the budget) of your script as opposed to the other options Rick has put out there. Off the cuff....I would say change "a loony girl" to "an eccentric novelty shop clerk", which also makes you wonder a bit about the sex-pot that stole her job....

Yes, I missed where she works. Don't know what a novelty shop is to be honest...but the loony thing seems to make sense if it's what I imagine...though I agree with you and Phil that an alternative would be better and  think the novelty shop should be mentioned in the log line.

As regards the general nature of my comments I'm just putting myself in the mindset of someone who's looking to fund a film.

Simple economics dictate that an agent needs to make money, therefore needs to sell the script for a certain amount to make her time worthwhile, the bigger amount someone would conceivably pay, the harder they'll work selling it, and the more likely they are to represent it,  the bigger the amount someone pays for the script, the bigger the budget of the film, the more money they'll need to recoup therefore the more marketable the concept needs to be.

If you look at something like Toys, you've got the old fashioned toys vs modern corporation marketing, tied in to a military theme. It's got the underdog story in there, the big stakes etc. It wasn't all that good, but the premise was sellable.

Like I say, they are just concerns..not related to the quality of the script...just the type of things an exec producer would mention.

If it's a lower budget, more personal piece, I think AJR's approach fits better.

Just my opinion.

Yeah, I think Rick's pushing the sellable aspect which will work better as bait for an agency or producer who receive this query; whereas bert is suggesting the novelty shop angle is more kitsch, quirky and ultimately indie - that does make a tougher sell via this medium, however. Having not read the script, it's hard to say what is more fitting, but the lads have drawn the distinction well.

I personally like Anthony's second suggestion minus the 'loony girl' which is a bit too up in the air.

Thank you all for the help.

I think I'll use bert's suggestion about the eccentric novelty shop clerk and maybe that she risks losing her job for the second time to spy on her boss when she notices his strange behavior.

I also like ajars madcap, slapstick romp, a homage to Lucy and Laverne...
Thanks again.

I have some work to do.

I hate loglines...

Cindy