Hello SS peeps.  A feature of mine made into the finals of a film festival and I was hoping to get a little feedback on a 5 page scene from it, for a table read. The intro on the title page will be read out loud. The character descriptions are just for the actors. I chose a scene from the beginning of Act II. The film festival focuses on comedy so there has to be some humor in it. They wanted all actor's direction in parenthesis, that's why it's formatted that way.

Anyway, I have to submit it tomorrow. Thanks in advance.  

http://marnzart.com/SCREENPLAYS/MEMORIES%20-%20scene%201%20for%20Broad%20Humor.pdf

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Don's Edit.  Please note the formatting is particular to this film festival requirements.  

Folks,

Bumping this up.  I know that some of you have been through a table read.  Any comments, suggestions on the scene being offered OR any comments on your own experience.

Thanks!

Don

Not sure about the line "twists  her body like a pretzel".

I get it, it's a good image, just reads a bit strange.

Contorts her body into the shape of a pretzel?

On second thoughts: Could you make this dialogue? "You trying to turn yourself into a pretzel, or what?"

Something like that? Gets your joke on screen, instead of lost in the ether (that is something I notice a LOT in comedy scripts...the funniest lines are almost always in the description lines, and get lost in the film).



I like Jake, particularly the part about the dragonfly visiting...and the rain stick.



Don't know what else to say, really. The opening part of the scene, which I'm sure is integral to the continuing story, isn't exactly riveting in isolation, but I don't think there's a huge amount you can do with it. It's not that there's anything wrong with it, it's just that it's "operational" rather than inspired, if you know what I mean.

If there's anything specific you'd like me to consider, let me know.


Rick

Marnie,

There are nice touches of humour in this and it reads pretty naturally throughout.

If I had to be picky about any of it i.e., that anything stuck out as being a little less natural with the flow, it would be:

'scratches all arrival/departure times'
Even though this has a certain onomatopoeia happening - I went through it in my head re what I thought might sound more natural:  'erases' or 'deletes' and then I thought to myself  that just plain old 'crosses out' was easiest on the ear. JMO.

And:

'Did you tell me why you're here?'

Seemed a little lacking in rhythm.

'Why are you here, again?'

or:

'why is it you're here'?

Finally:

Her head snaps around, she swerves again'

Given there's obviously two actions here referring to two different objects i.e., her head and the vehicle I think you could ideally make them two separate actions/description or divide with a dash or ellipsis and/or include the object with one of them at least.

Just my thoughts. Hope it makes sense.

I'm not sure about the 'pretzel' analogy either cause it conjures something crisp and snappy. I don't think it would affect a read however as would none of this really.  

Overall I think this is very easy on the ear and I liked it a lot - especially the 'cock' bit which at first I balked at and then it's really funny. Nice end note with the plants as well. You've set up the characters and scenario well and I imagine people would get a lot of enjoyment from a table read with this.

All the very best of luck with this.

Libby

Some bizarre formatting this festival likes. I know what these people are like and how old they are, but I've now idea how they look. But you're complying to rules so, enough said.

I'll keep this short as it might already be too late to be of use.

Overall I thought it rambles a bit. A good edit to make it sharper might help. But it's not bad. The pretzel line does stick out a bit too much. But it's not bad.

If your actors are good and play with it a little, it might work better. That said, it has some moments and some laughs.

R

Thanks so much for the bump, Don!

I appreciate the suggestions.  I took out the pretzel part. LOL  Working on the dialog suggestions to make it more engaging. It was harder than I thought it would be, to choose one scene from a feature...they turn it into something that could be acted out on stage.

Thanks for your help!!  

Hey Marnie

Had a quick scan.

I think you have the potential to have the yoga girl with her legs far apart around the pool - yoga position of course - add tension to Abby and her daughter. Perhaps an inappropriate comment from her father?

If Abby has to let go may be she could have more of an affinity to IT, eg digital planners, tablets etc - this may already be present?

Juliana could drop a line about positions the yoga girl taught her in bed - ' she has great pelvic floor muscles' etc etc - again the clash with the mother . Things she doesn't know, things said etc

When jake does his rain stick and she swerves I didn't know they were driving

Anyway those are a few thoughts - best of luck

Hey Marnie,

I think you should you have the car scene and what happens afterwards. There's too many people in involved in that hotel room scene.  Some that don't have lines like Sierra. All they're doing is looking at her. lol. And Jake's only introduced in that scene. He's the funniest guy there based on what happens afterwards. lol.

I like the winnebago scene. The cock part is genius. lol.

But it's up to you.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

OMG I love this Marnie. Love love love it.

Thanks peeps! So glad you liked it Dena! I hope they let me tape it. I'll post it on my Facebook if they do.