yup its the same from the unknown and i am working on the rewrite now. it has more scenes and extended scenes and different dialouge. its bigger, longer and uncut! And i hope you like it when i submit it. Prolly sometime next week.

Scary stuff Andrew! I'll post a proper review tomorrow, if I have nightmares tonight I'm holding you personally responsible...

I like the sound of that. haha and i hope you do. lol. I am working on episode three now...this one will be rather longer because it mostly deals with flashbacks. And one is rather important and long. But not boring lol.

Ok I really enjoyed the latest installment Andrew. The first one was eerie/unsettling, this was pure hide behind the sofa horror.

Just thinking ahead, as a reader/viewer I will expect each episode to get progressively more frightening, so I'd just be wary of doing or showing too much too soon. Thats not a criticism of this episode as it stands, but if you carry on at this rate by 5 or 6 it will either have to be so extreme it crosses the line from terrifying to funny, or the audience will just get blase - 'another demon? another bloody corpse?'.

You have written some fantastically visual fright scenes in this episode but I do think you have gone a bit over the top with all the blood (in my experience, the more fake blood in a horror film the more likely I am to laugh when I am supposed to be cowering in terror). The blood works really well in the scene in the Church, but I would lose it from when she is running through the forest (I'm not 100% certain but at night, in the fog, I don't think blood would show up red on trees on or on the ground). Maybe she could just trip and fall in a puddle, and its only when she looks at her hands she realises its actually blood?

From the beginning:

When you say she hears voices in her head, do you mean we can hear them as well?

'She has a feeling she is not alone' - you can't show this, you can show her looking over her shoulder and hearing strange noises around her.

I'm not sure what you mean by a 'big bang', I think you just need a bit more description there. You don't need to say 'she starts seeing things', we have seen her fall to the floor unconscious and then you cut to the three visions. Which I liked by the way, intriguing and spooky without giving anything away.

She wakes up and her eyes are bleeding - weird, but it doesnt freak her out? In fact she seems ridiculously calm about everything that has happened so far, she should be jumping in front of the oncoming car and hammering on the bonnet for it to stop. 'My car crashed down the road a little bit. Do you have a cell phone? - how laidback is this woman!

The man telling her to get in the car was one of the scariest moments in this episode in my opinion, but rather than shouting 'Oh my god etc etc' I reckon he should say it quietly and very slowly (trying not to make any sudden movements).

Why does Allison appear dead in the car? It switches the action from her to the unknown man and it just didn't seem to fit - in all the other scenes it is Allison alone with corpses/ghosts/demons but for these few minutes he almost becomes the main character.

When the dead man blinks - scary!

'There is no more gas left in the car' - who cares, the important thing is it won't start.

I didn't get the way you described the fog - 'It is very light and rather easy to see through. Only parts are hard to see and not a lot of those parts have showed up.' It would make more sense if you described it as unnaturally light and eerie.

"she knows something is going to scare the shit out of her" - are you trying to say that she is scared? This just seemed an odd way to put it.

I liked the idea of the wind trying to drive her back but you didn't go into much detail on it. Does the sun come up as she makes her way through the forest or has the light come out of nowhere?

I love the scene in the Church. I think you need to emphasise that she gets out just in time - the danger almost seems to have stopped when everything goes quiet.  

The little girl - very scary. There is something about horror films featuring children (the Ring films, The Shining, Dawn of the Dead) that is just guaranteed to send shivers down my spine.

Allison has a 'puzzled' look on her face? 'F*** this town'?, 'What the hell is going on here?'. Again, this seems like a bit of a underreaction!

The couple arguing, bit predictable this bit but it kinda worked because it leads up to the reveal at the end of the episode.

The school - how can the viewer possibly know 'this is the most damage Allison has ever seen in her life'? The scene in the principals office is great, very frightening. I'm not sure I would have picked up that the name on the certificate was her name if you hadn't mentioned it in the description - maybe there could be a photograph?

Great ending/ cliffhanger. I liked George.

There are a couple of typos here and there, but nothing you can't sort when you pull all the episodes together at the end.

Thanks a lot. The fifth episode will be the scariest indeed. Also the next episode will have scary scenes and also will be the most dramatic episode of them all. And the fog scene with the blood. I meant to change that but i forgot. What i meant to write was that Allison saw a puddle of blood and the wind pushed her into it. And when she got up she saw a reflection of somekind of thing in the blood. Sorry i forgot to change it. And im glad you liked it. I was hoping each episode would not get worse and worse ya know? Thanks again for the helpful review.

Allison has a 'puzzled' look on her face? 'F*** this town'?, 'What the hell is going on here?'. Again, this seems like a bit of a underreaction!

I am still working on that. I just wanted her tio say something to tell the reader/viewer that she wanted to leave the town.

Andrew

Anyone else planning on reading episode two?

I'll read it later on today, right now I'm at school and the servers pretty slow.

You know Andrew this epsiode reminded me of a particular film and I have spent all day trying to remember its name - Sam Neill is an insurance investigater who goes looking for a horror writer that has disappeared just as his latest book is due to be delivered to the publishers - I'm sure the title is something to do with 'madness' - can anyone help me out here?

In the Mouth of Madness by John Carpenter. I searched for it. I never seen it so i cant relate to it now.

I am working on episode three now. I'm on page 5 and there will be about 20 pages to this episode. I am also rewriting episode one so u can find that on here in about a week or two.

Hi Andrew,
You do have some scary stuff here and it is very good for a first draft.
The parts where I see could use improvement are with telling instead of showing, but hey it's a first draft. I would use montages instead of just visions,  would let us hear the voices that she keeps hearing, too.
Allison does seem very calm, too calm for what is going on around her, unless she has a brain injury from the accident, but then again, we don't know this. She seems as if nothing really bothers her that much, except when she threw up, and then she just went on about her own way again. With her bleeding from her eyes and after being in an auto accident she should show that she is hurt either by limping, holding onto her head or something. She seems normal and numb.
I think you should develop her character. What I've found that works for me is to think of someone you know or used to know and base the character SOMEWHAT like that person. How would that person react?  
All in all though it was an entertaining read. I loved the scares. I just think you need to work on Allison, and showing us what she sees and hears.
With some work I believe this would be a really great film. You're on the right tract. I be waiting to read the next episode.    

Quoted from Antemasque In the Mouth of Madness by John Carpenter. I searched for it. I never seen it so i cant relate to it now.

Thank you, that has been driving me mad.

I loved In The Mouth Of Madness; my favourite Carpenter movie.

Thanks for your review Cindy and i am going to develop her character. I am taking all ur comments and writing them down so i dont forget them. Then i will decide on what to add/take out and such in my final draft. Thanks for the review and im glad u liked it,

You're welcome.
I will be looking forward to reading the next episode and the rewrite when you have them done.
I think you've got something here.