The thing that worries me is that it took over my series... No, i'm just kidding. It's only 15 pages and you've taken some pages out to add in later. So, the series is cut short, why not put 2 episodes together to make it longer than?

Anyway I'll try and read the episodes and post some thoughts sometime within the next day depending on what I'm doing.

hmm. well the next episode is planned to be 20 pages and i will release it May 20th. I might be able to get more in tho. Haha, I am actually suprised that this series is doing good. I mean if you read my other scripts you know they sucked and admit it, they did. But now like these are good. I am actually getting good at writing. The lesson learned here is practice makes perfect. Never quit what you like to do even if you sick becuase eventually you will get better.

Well i hope you come along to reading this and i hope you enjoy it, Oh and sorry about taking over Better Days? I think that is the one lol. C-ya.

I think some people are better with less room to fill, you are good (Going by other comments) at a series than in longer screenplays (Which you just said, kinda) So, maybe this is your calling, series.

Worked for me 3 times and a half. Works for the other series in this thread but when more come along we'll both be so far down the chain we'll be forgotten like my older series has become.

Hopefully not though, I'll probably enjoy these 3 episodes. I rarely hate anything.

haha. that is true. i am writing a full length now and see if your theory is true. maybe i cant write full lengths. but in the end this will become a full length. so far the first half is going steady. the latest episode was rushed because i wanted to get it out quick and i now see why i shouldnt rush. After reading it over the dialoge is not as good as my others. therefore i will re-do this before or after episode four is released. Come on Wes. We gotta keep our series going. We can do it!.... hopefully.

I don't know about you but I've been sitting here looking at episode 8 for 2 weeks now I believe, I'm lazy. But nonetheless I'll try and read them tonight and post my review, I'll try to be nice in my review as I've noticed as of late some people may or may not have taken my reviews as mean.

I doubt your full length will fail now that people know who you are and what you can do when you want to.

I want you to be totally honest. if your reviews are harsh i accept it. its your opinion and i can always make changes. if you hate it tell me. if u like it tell me. ya know? i admire you wes. my fav. writers on here is you, freak, goose and cindy (i liked ur poems cindy) and that is all. you guys are the ones who helped me from the very beginning. so this is where i say thanks. you help. i wish everyone was like you guys. and everyone that reviews my scripts thank you also. shoganah (something like that haha) and ziggy. if i left you out sorry.

Probably some major spoilers contained within so don't read on...




You've been warned.




All 3 episodes are in this review, hope it's helpful...


Episode 1

So you know, I haven't read the other reviews so if I mention similar things well just ignore them or something.

The first few things are a montage I�m guessing, right? You should add after INT.  BEDROOM - MONTAGE just so we know that's what is going on. Maybe that's not the intent or what's supposed to happen, it works either way just I don't think anyone would want to watch someone take a shower... On average that's like 10 minutes and well unless  it's a dirty film I'd say you mean that as like a cut to 10 minutes later and she gets out, works better as a montage for me.

You are telling us it's Mark and what she likes to do, on purpose instead of finding a way to show it? Usually I'd complain like others will but I'm just going to say it's not conventional but it makes it better in certain scenarios.

         Mark
Nothing I just flu back in from Florida. - I believe that would be flew and not flu as in he's sick

Read the first conversation between Mark and Allison and see if you catch some of the dialogue mistakes, nothing big just small things. Remember to capitalize the names of characters when we first meet them.

Here's an idea for you, instead of that scene with Kelly and Allison the way it is, make Kelly kinda joking with her. I mean it would be better but if you don't want to change it that much, just make the scene longer, because they seem to be talking direct and it doesn't flow well. Add some pauses if you want it to be serious, add a parenthetical that tells us she's angry.

Allison wakes up. Her head was in her arms with her head down.  - Here you added a was which isn't right, because this is happening as we read so she has her head in her arms.

The synopsis says she hears voices but there were no voices being heard, unless you meant in her dream but that doesn't count.

So, I liked the first episode. It was interesting compared to other shows it's very original so far. Here's my main problem with it thought, Allison comes of as kinda an easy slutty girl who as a Main Character should never come off this way.



Episode 2

Are you obsessed with blood? Nah, that's just a joke. The blood is I guess made for this series but there is a line where you add too much.

You should never have action say "scared shitless" just scared is enough.  Allison says SHIT! A lot and it hurts her character a little. You're not really developing her which hurts her a little. The story is there but not explained very well yet. Story and character development are key and you're building to something but you're not spending time on the characters.

The way Allison's 1 liners are she might as well be a man; you need some dialogue especially for Allison because it is key that we like her and not find her speech the worst part of the experience.

The arguing couple, for some reason when women swear like that I just find it hard to believe. Maybe I like mine nice and proper instead of sounding like I would on a daily basis.

Okay I think you made an error in the school...

Here you write - The windows are broken and the door is broken off. It is the most damage she has ever seen. And than - The front doors then suddenly shut.

How can they shut if they're broken off?

I liked the ending to this episode, very creepy and leave you wondering what next... But maybe you should have added another character or add one eventually because by her self Allison is a little bland, boring and one dimensional.

I enjoyed this episode very much.



Episode 3

These flashbacks should be more in ep's 1 and 2 to build her character better. You should read through these very closely and you'll see the small tiny spelling problems that spell check cannot see.

This episode was pretty good as well as you can tell by the shorter review ha-ha. Other than the same gripes as the other two I must say I'm looking forward to some more. Although you should never end episode, well every one in a cliffhanger but I guess it makes people want to read on.

All in all this seems like a very good start to something big, you should watch the same things happening over and over and they'll get boring if you don't find new ways to have people dead ha-ha.

Good job and I'll look forward to Episode 4

Hey, I read episode 3, and skipped 1 and 2 to see what it was like.

I think your very descriptive, and you write really well, although some of the dialouge needs some work.
Ex. The town could not find them. I could not find them.
I read it aloud, and it sounded kinda tacky, do you know what I mean?

The flashbacks were really good, and George is a good character that I like, even if he's a ghost or whatever I'm assuming.

All, in all, I liked this episode, and I'll read ep.s 1 and 2 later.

Yeah, I look forward to ep. 4, with chris and allison.
Great way to end the episode.

Joey

Writing for episode four has started today. So the middle/end of next month i should have this done. The events of this episode are going to be hard to write which is why it is taking a little longer. Anyone else plan on reading this?

Andrew

Episode four will leave off where the last episode left off. This one is grittier and more gruesome then any of the episodes you will read.

Plot For Episode Four (Some Spoilers)










After the events in Episode Three. Allison wakes up in a basement chained to a sink. In the basement she is forced to watch people get murdered as the story starts to unfold piece by piece.

Andrew made a mistake. There will only be 5 episodes. I counting wrong somehow haha. Episode four will be out soon. So be prepared haha

Wait did you just talk in the first person when you said "Andrew made a mistake." ..?

haha. yeah. i tend to do that a lot now.

Episode four will be full of twists. should be out end of next week.

Episode four will be the most exciting of all. It has the first out of two huge twists and you should like it.