Contagium- Episode 001 by Andrew Roby - Series, Horror - Part 001- We explore Allison, an ordinary girl with an ordinary life. But things are not so ordinary as strange things start to happen. Including disturbing visions and voices. As all of this leads up to some of the most shocking things she will ever see in her whole life.  Rated R for- A scene of strong violence, Disturbing Images, Thematic Material, Language, Nudity and Gore. - doc, format

Contagium- Episode 002 by Andrew Roby - Series, Horror - After a near death experience, Allison heads down the dark lonely road to find help. Down the road she finds an abandoned town with many dark secrets. - doc, format

Contagium- Episode 003 by Andrew Roby - Series, Horror - Starts off where Episode Two left off. Allison follows George and discovers some of the most frightening things ever. - doc, format


Contagium- Episode 004 by Andrew Roby - Series, Horror - After the events in Episode Three. Allison finds out Chris is not the man she thought he was. - doc, format

This is a very easy read so please read it. Me and my friends are gonna record this as a movie which should be interesting.

Andrew

*Spoilers*

Thought this was a pretty interesting opening episode, very short though?

Just a couple of things I noticed - in your first description of Allison you tell us what sports she likes, how would the viewer know that (unless there is some evidence around the room)? I did like the analogy between her messed up room and her messed up life. The dialougue between her and Mark flowed quite realistically (though surely it should be flew rather than flu) and introduced both characters nicely.

When she arrives at work, the dialogue between her and her boss was very stilted - I understand it needs to be quite formal, but to me it just doesn't have the natural rhythm of speech. The Ambience Museum for Ancient Artefacts (I didn't understand how it could be a museum for lost artefacts?) is a great setting for a horror story.

I absolutely loved the spooky incident with the camera/monitors. That is actually genuinely unsettling without being in your face.

When the paranormal investigator arrives, again the dialogue needs a little work, but more importantly I just didn't buy it. She has worked there long enough to be late several times but she has never heard anything about the building being haunted? In the 1800's it was reputed to be the place lucifer fell? Just a bit too over the top for me, and so it didn't surprise me when it turned out to be a dream. Saying that, the line 'you should do, because your there' and then the lights going off would probably make me jump out of my skin in a cinema.

In the restuarant 'they are at a dinner for two tables', I assume that should be a table for two diners? I liked the fact we join them in a middle of an interesting conversation and don't find out what its about, but her line about the people being strange seems to come out of nowhere.

Would they really go to a drive in to ignore the film and make out if she has her own apartment? Not a greatly important point, and it does allow  the opportunity for Mark to act oddly which is significant in the next scene.

The short cut - I was starting to suspect Mark was a bit sinister at this point. The car coming out of nowhere and crashing into them, not particularly original, but I thought you handled it very effectively. You do say that Mark is covered in gashes after being thrown from the cars, and he is obviously  unconscious, but I wasn't sure how badly injured he actually was, other than Alisons reaction. I liked her finding the engagement ring at that point. What has happened to the other car? Kirsten appearing, and what she says to Alison, is obviously scarier if the other car has disappeared, but does that may give too obvious a clue that there is something supernatural going on.

I think you need to go into more detail about Alisons state of mind as she walks away - my reaction if I had been in a crash which had potentially killed two people, including the man I loved, and I was unable to get a signal on my phone, and I had to walk for help down an endless pitch black road, would be slightly stronger than saying "shit" then taking a deep breath. Is she in shock, or am I just a wuss?

Fantastic hook to end on though, I definintely want to know what happens next.

In the words of Columbo, 'just one more thing'... The car crash  tears off her clothes? Give me a break, on this evidence youre a better writer than that.

Thanks! That was a good review and was very helpful. This originally was 20 pages long but i cut some parts out so when i am done the whole series i will release it as one with like 50 more pages of newly added scenes. So you can look forward to that in the future.

Can anyone else give this a read and review?

Thanks,
      Andrew

So is it going to be feature length when its finished?

yes. after the series there will be about 20-50 added pages of stuff i cut out.

Andrew

Any particular reason why you cut it out? I'm just curious, if its good enough to go in the finished article.

How many episodes are there going to be then?

10 episodes. I cut scenes out because they needed work and i wanted to have some extra stuff for the full script
so this will probably end up being 100 pages or so

Fair enough, I'll keep my eye out for the next installment.

Episode two will be out sometime next month.

Andrew

Anyone else gonna read this? I would apprichiate it.

Shonagh said a lot of what I was going to say. This was a good script, reading it through the first time (I read scripts twice, once straight through to see how I like it, and again to pick it apart like a ravenous monkey) I really enjoyed it.

The "You're there" line and the lights going reminded me of the intro at the Haunted Mansion in Disney land (with the hanging body in the lobby). That always creeped me out as a kid (still kind of does). Really liked that moment, probably by favorite in the script.

One of the problems I had was the demonic creature. The lights coming on and revealing it just didn't click with me. Since it's a dream you can go pretty much anywhere. Maybe have the lights flash on and burn out, revealing it for a split second, then have one or two lights spark and flash so we can see it walking towards her. Then she wakes up.

Other than that, a few grammer errors (dinner for two tables, flu back from Florida, the other car the swerves, etc.). Nothing major, but something to look at if you do another draft. The good scenes far outweigh the bad, and those that are 'bad' aren't bad, they just need some tweaking which is to be expected with the best of scripts. I'll be sure to read the next episode(s).

woohoo after about 10 (really bad) scripts i write a decent one. thanks a lot freak and i will re-do every part when i submit them all as 1

thanks again
     andrew

i really love the series so far.

thanks
Anyone else?

Andrew

Also part 2 will have more scare scenes including one that will really discomfert you. emm i like it haha

Andrew

I just got done writing a scene in part 2 that is rather shocking and scary. I believe i wrote this part pretty dang good. Part two i would classify as more of an adventure and it is longer then part one becuase more things are taking place.

Andrew

Official release date for episode two will be: April 17th.

Andrew

i posted a part of part 2 in the work in progress section. PLEASE read it and comment i really need it. I want to know if its okay.

No. Post it all or e-mail me the first draft and I will read it, I'm not reading five pages then waiting til three weeks to see the rest!

hahaha. im not done writing it. lol ill email u when it comes up tho.

Andrew

Hi Andrew,
I just got done reading this, and I want to echo the other's reviews.
For the dialogue, read it out loud to hear what it sounds like. You'll find the places where it needs a little work.

I enjoyed the scares you had here. They were good.   Would be great on screen. The ending needs a little TLC. I know if I'd been in an auto accident where my boyfriend had died, I would be trying to revive him, shake him, ya know. And when that girl showed up like that and did what she did, I wouldn't just stand there then walk off. I'd try my boyfriend again. She got hurt, so maybe she would walk off staggering with her arms wrapped up around her head or something ...

Are you going to post the rewrite?

I am rewriting all 10 episodes and adding more scenes then putting it all together and release it as a full length script.

Andrew

What i would like to call the 'unrated' version will come out shortly after part two. It will have all the mistakes (hopefully) corrected with about 5-10 extra pages. Including an extended scene at the Ambience Muesuem.

Thanks,
  Andrew

Episode Two should be up soon and i just started work on part 3. I am also fixing up and adding scenes to part 1. I found some mistakes and i added some more lines and scenes. I also made the hallway scene like 30 seconds longer. Please tell me if this is better then what i already have up:



Allison and Tom are walking down a dimly lit hallway.


Allison
So what exactly brings you here?


Tom
I have been told Ambience Inc. is one of the top haunted places ever.


Allison
Haunted? How come I have never heard of this?


Tom
Well back in the 1800’s this building was said to be the place where Lucifer fell from Heaven.


Allison
Lucifer fell? I’m sorry but I don’t believe in Heaven and Hell.


Tom
Maybe you should… cause your there.


Suddenly all the lights go out.


Allison
What the fuck? Tom?


Tom does not answer.


Allison
Tom where the hell are you?


Allison looks around even though she can’t see anything. She swings her hands around hoping to feel Tom. She can not feel anything.


Allison
Tom please answer me!


No answer from anyone. Suddenly drips start hitting the floor. They echo down the hallway. Allison starts breathing even harder signaling that she is scared.

Suddenly the lights flicker on and off for a brief second. A demonic creature is shown standing about 10 feet away from her. Allison screams. The lights flicker on and off as it gets about 10 feet closer. The lights then stay off.


Allison
Oh my god.

Suddenly the lights come back on for a brief second reveling the creature that is standing right in front of her.




I know this is only a little bit added. I am still working on it. I am also adding some more suspense to the script and extending the scene in the restaurant. After i read it, it seemed a little rushed so on that note i will probably re-do the whole scene.
And this is my rating for the whole series in case you are interested:
RATED R FOR: Strong Violence/Gore, Terror, Disturbing Images, Thematic Material, Language and Sexuality/Nudity.


Thanks

Andrew

I will post Contagium Episode Three in the work in progress section about 2 days after this is up.

Andrew

FADE IN:

Allison is walking down a dark road. No life is around.

Allison (V.O.)

These last few days... has been hell.


A flash of images occur.
IMAGE ONE- a little boy standing in the middle of the street. Blood is all over his shirt.
IMAGE TWO- Allison standing in a hallway as the light suddenly go out.

BLACK SCREEN

Allison (V.O.)

There is no way to fight the evil


IMAGE THREE- Blood pooring from walls inside some kind of building.

Allison (V.O.)

All i know, is i am alone.


FADE IN:
CONTAGIUM EPISODE TWO

COMING SOON TO A SERIES BOARD NEAR YOU.

Thanks for getting episode two up Don. Everyone please read if you read episode one. Thanks again.

Andrew

I plan on reading this also sometime in the next few days.

As will I, looking forward to this one Andrew.

I liked this, it has a lot of potential, you know.

The opening works, though there's a bit to much discription about her that you couldn't. I like how you build up the opening as a typical day, the dialogue between her and her boyfriend works well.

It has a nice atmosphere, too. I take it the Ambiance company she works for is the same one from "The Unknown", right?

The ending left me wanting to read the second episode.


** 1/2/**** since it still needs a rewrite...

yup its the same from the unknown and i am working on the rewrite now. it has more scenes and extended scenes and different dialouge. its bigger, longer and uncut! And i hope you like it when i submit it. Prolly sometime next week.

Scary stuff Andrew! I'll post a proper review tomorrow, if I have nightmares tonight I'm holding you personally responsible...

I like the sound of that. haha and i hope you do. lol. I am working on episode three now...this one will be rather longer because it mostly deals with flashbacks. And one is rather important and long. But not boring lol.

Ok I really enjoyed the latest installment Andrew. The first one was eerie/unsettling, this was pure hide behind the sofa horror.

Just thinking ahead, as a reader/viewer I will expect each episode to get progressively more frightening, so I'd just be wary of doing or showing too much too soon. Thats not a criticism of this episode as it stands, but if you carry on at this rate by 5 or 6 it will either have to be so extreme it crosses the line from terrifying to funny, or the audience will just get blase - 'another demon? another bloody corpse?'.

You have written some fantastically visual fright scenes in this episode but I do think you have gone a bit over the top with all the blood (in my experience, the more fake blood in a horror film the more likely I am to laugh when I am supposed to be cowering in terror). The blood works really well in the scene in the Church, but I would lose it from when she is running through the forest (I'm not 100% certain but at night, in the fog, I don't think blood would show up red on trees on or on the ground). Maybe she could just trip and fall in a puddle, and its only when she looks at her hands she realises its actually blood?

From the beginning:

When you say she hears voices in her head, do you mean we can hear them as well?

'She has a feeling she is not alone' - you can't show this, you can show her looking over her shoulder and hearing strange noises around her.

I'm not sure what you mean by a 'big bang', I think you just need a bit more description there. You don't need to say 'she starts seeing things', we have seen her fall to the floor unconscious and then you cut to the three visions. Which I liked by the way, intriguing and spooky without giving anything away.

She wakes up and her eyes are bleeding - weird, but it doesnt freak her out? In fact she seems ridiculously calm about everything that has happened so far, she should be jumping in front of the oncoming car and hammering on the bonnet for it to stop. 'My car crashed down the road a little bit. Do you have a cell phone? - how laidback is this woman!

The man telling her to get in the car was one of the scariest moments in this episode in my opinion, but rather than shouting 'Oh my god etc etc' I reckon he should say it quietly and very slowly (trying not to make any sudden movements).

Why does Allison appear dead in the car? It switches the action from her to the unknown man and it just didn't seem to fit - in all the other scenes it is Allison alone with corpses/ghosts/demons but for these few minutes he almost becomes the main character.

When the dead man blinks - scary!

'There is no more gas left in the car' - who cares, the important thing is it won't start.

I didn't get the way you described the fog - 'It is very light and rather easy to see through. Only parts are hard to see and not a lot of those parts have showed up.' It would make more sense if you described it as unnaturally light and eerie.

"she knows something is going to scare the shit out of her" - are you trying to say that she is scared? This just seemed an odd way to put it.

I liked the idea of the wind trying to drive her back but you didn't go into much detail on it. Does the sun come up as she makes her way through the forest or has the light come out of nowhere?

I love the scene in the Church. I think you need to emphasise that she gets out just in time - the danger almost seems to have stopped when everything goes quiet.  

The little girl - very scary. There is something about horror films featuring children (the Ring films, The Shining, Dawn of the Dead) that is just guaranteed to send shivers down my spine.

Allison has a 'puzzled' look on her face? 'F*** this town'?, 'What the hell is going on here?'. Again, this seems like a bit of a underreaction!

The couple arguing, bit predictable this bit but it kinda worked because it leads up to the reveal at the end of the episode.

The school - how can the viewer possibly know 'this is the most damage Allison has ever seen in her life'? The scene in the principals office is great, very frightening. I'm not sure I would have picked up that the name on the certificate was her name if you hadn't mentioned it in the description - maybe there could be a photograph?

Great ending/ cliffhanger. I liked George.

There are a couple of typos here and there, but nothing you can't sort when you pull all the episodes together at the end.

Thanks a lot. The fifth episode will be the scariest indeed. Also the next episode will have scary scenes and also will be the most dramatic episode of them all. And the fog scene with the blood. I meant to change that but i forgot. What i meant to write was that Allison saw a puddle of blood and the wind pushed her into it. And when she got up she saw a reflection of somekind of thing in the blood. Sorry i forgot to change it. And im glad you liked it. I was hoping each episode would not get worse and worse ya know? Thanks again for the helpful review.

Allison has a 'puzzled' look on her face? 'F*** this town'?, 'What the hell is going on here?'. Again, this seems like a bit of a underreaction!

I am still working on that. I just wanted her tio say something to tell the reader/viewer that she wanted to leave the town.

Andrew

Anyone else planning on reading episode two?

I'll read it later on today, right now I'm at school and the servers pretty slow.

You know Andrew this epsiode reminded me of a particular film and I have spent all day trying to remember its name - Sam Neill is an insurance investigater who goes looking for a horror writer that has disappeared just as his latest book is due to be delivered to the publishers - I'm sure the title is something to do with 'madness' - can anyone help me out here?

In the Mouth of Madness by John Carpenter. I searched for it. I never seen it so i cant relate to it now.

I am working on episode three now. I'm on page 5 and there will be about 20 pages to this episode. I am also rewriting episode one so u can find that on here in about a week or two.

Hi Andrew,
You do have some scary stuff here and it is very good for a first draft.
The parts where I see could use improvement are with telling instead of showing, but hey it's a first draft. I would use montages instead of just visions,  would let us hear the voices that she keeps hearing, too.
Allison does seem very calm, too calm for what is going on around her, unless she has a brain injury from the accident, but then again, we don't know this. She seems as if nothing really bothers her that much, except when she threw up, and then she just went on about her own way again. With her bleeding from her eyes and after being in an auto accident she should show that she is hurt either by limping, holding onto her head or something. She seems normal and numb.
I think you should develop her character. What I've found that works for me is to think of someone you know or used to know and base the character SOMEWHAT like that person. How would that person react?  
All in all though it was an entertaining read. I loved the scares. I just think you need to work on Allison, and showing us what she sees and hears.
With some work I believe this would be a really great film. You're on the right tract. I be waiting to read the next episode.    

Quoted from Antemasque In the Mouth of Madness by John Carpenter. I searched for it. I never seen it so i cant relate to it now.

Thank you, that has been driving me mad.

I loved In The Mouth Of Madness; my favourite Carpenter movie.

Thanks for your review Cindy and i am going to develop her character. I am taking all ur comments and writing them down so i dont forget them. Then i will decide on what to add/take out and such in my final draft. Thanks for the review and im glad u liked it,

You're welcome.
I will be looking forward to reading the next episode and the rewrite when you have them done.
I think you've got something here.

Anyone else read this?

Also Contagium Episode Three will be released next week because i wrote a lot today. So you wont have a very long wait for ir.

I will submit Episode Three on Monday. So it should be up for you to read sometime next week. I will start writing Episode Four next wednesday. I think episode three has one of the best scare scenes out of the whole series so far. So i hope you like it.

Okay i did a lot more writing and i just submitted it today. It should be up soon.

Contagium Episode 2

I liked this one, so far it's better then the first episode. Her wandering up the road reminds me a bit of "Dead End."
The dialogue between Allison and the Man in the car plays off nicely, though the demon appearing is a bit too abrupt, you may want to keep the monsters in the shadows, you know. I think had you made that scene one where the reader holds their breathe the pay off would be a lot scarier.
I like the fog, it works, and it adds atmosphere, I think you should add more of it since it seems to go by too quickly.
The episode worked and again shows a lot of promise, I like the ending for this, you have a knack for cliffhangers.
The main thing is you have to keep certain things in the shadows.

I like the characters and this has a lot of promise, but I still see this working better as a feature script then a series.

***/*****

thanks. this will be put in a feature script once its all done. about 120 pages cuz i am gonna add some stuff also.

and wait until you see the ending for episode three. your gonna yell at me cuz u are gonna want to know what is going to happen. trust me you will be mad. haha.

Just a few question for everyone.

1) What do you think of Allison?
2) Do you actually enjoy the series?
3) What could i do to make it better?
4) On a scale from 1-10 how good is this so far.

Thank for reading this and thanks 'if' you answer.

Andrew

1: I like her, though she needs to be developed a bit more, you know.

2: I like the series, though again I think it'd work better as a film.

3: When you convert it to a film mix the episodes together, perhaps you could even start off with her walking down the road.

4: 6 or 7 as of now, it still needs work but is quite good.

Episode Three is now up. I hope you all like it.

Episode Four will be about a month wait because i am gonna try and write a lot of The Recluse. I hope you all enjoy episode three.

So episode 3... You can tell you rushed this one a bit Andrew because the dialogue is nowhere near up to your usual standards. Don't get me wrong, I'm still loving the story and it is still scary as hell, but I don't think there was one line of dialogue that you could say aloud exactly as its written. Its nothing that can't be fixed anyway (if you ever need an eagle eyed pedant to edit it I'd be happy to help).

Back to the story, I think you've done a good job of calming it down from the quick fire scares of the last one without it losing the fear factor. The first episode was a good introduction, the second was bang bang bang scary s**t, this one actually starts to fill in the story, so far I think your pacing has been spot on.

The only disappointment is that three episodes in, I'm still not sure I know or relate to Allison as a character, she doesn't seem to have much of a role other than running around being terrified. Which is pretty normal for a horror film, but in this particular story she is the only constant, everything (and everyone) else is turned on its head, as a reader/viewer I don't know what is real or what is fake so it's Allison, and her reaction, that keeps the whole thing grounded and therefore scary. What I am trying to say, in a very round about way, is that you need to flesh the character out a bit. Even if you just give her one really obvious personality trait - sarcastic, cool, practical, dumb, girly, insane - that then informs and explains her reaction to everything she sees, because at the moment I'm not buying it.

Very scary moment when she sees George hanging, but then it happens again? Loses shock value the second time. I must admit though the whole thing with George freaks me out - like I said before, there is just something about children in horror films that is guaranteed to terrify me.

I got a bit confused by the guy in the woods - he says he can't find the town, but he also says he went back and found it empty? He can't leave the woods, but he  can call the police to help him search for the town? I'm not sure if you have done this on purpose, if so wouldn't Allison pick up on it?

Excellent cliffhanger by the way, you were right!    

Thanks for the review. I will change the dialoge without a doubt. And i episode four will explain Allison more because the episode will have her biggest part/shock ever. (Besides the ending) I'm glad you like the series. Also i forgot to add a conversation about the man. I forgot to add that he explains to Allison that he lived in the town and when he went back everyone was gone and he had some kinda panic attack and he got chased in the woods. While he was in the town he called the police. Sorry i forgot to add that everyone .   Thanks again

Yeah the ending is a nice cliffhanger, though the story does lag in parts and the dialogue did feel stilted.

**1/2/*****

Er. thanks lol. This is where the actual story starts to unfold and everything starts to get thrilling and shit. thanks.

Anyone else planning on reading this?

The thing that worries me is that it took over my series... No, i'm just kidding. It's only 15 pages and you've taken some pages out to add in later. So, the series is cut short, why not put 2 episodes together to make it longer than?

Anyway I'll try and read the episodes and post some thoughts sometime within the next day depending on what I'm doing.

hmm. well the next episode is planned to be 20 pages and i will release it May 20th. I might be able to get more in tho. Haha, I am actually suprised that this series is doing good. I mean if you read my other scripts you know they sucked and admit it, they did. But now like these are good. I am actually getting good at writing. The lesson learned here is practice makes perfect. Never quit what you like to do even if you sick becuase eventually you will get better.

Well i hope you come along to reading this and i hope you enjoy it, Oh and sorry about taking over Better Days? I think that is the one lol. C-ya.

I think some people are better with less room to fill, you are good (Going by other comments) at a series than in longer screenplays (Which you just said, kinda) So, maybe this is your calling, series.

Worked for me 3 times and a half. Works for the other series in this thread but when more come along we'll both be so far down the chain we'll be forgotten like my older series has become.

Hopefully not though, I'll probably enjoy these 3 episodes. I rarely hate anything.

haha. that is true. i am writing a full length now and see if your theory is true. maybe i cant write full lengths. but in the end this will become a full length. so far the first half is going steady. the latest episode was rushed because i wanted to get it out quick and i now see why i shouldnt rush. After reading it over the dialoge is not as good as my others. therefore i will re-do this before or after episode four is released. Come on Wes. We gotta keep our series going. We can do it!.... hopefully.

I don't know about you but I've been sitting here looking at episode 8 for 2 weeks now I believe, I'm lazy. But nonetheless I'll try and read them tonight and post my review, I'll try to be nice in my review as I've noticed as of late some people may or may not have taken my reviews as mean.

I doubt your full length will fail now that people know who you are and what you can do when you want to.

I want you to be totally honest. if your reviews are harsh i accept it. its your opinion and i can always make changes. if you hate it tell me. if u like it tell me. ya know? i admire you wes. my fav. writers on here is you, freak, goose and cindy (i liked ur poems cindy) and that is all. you guys are the ones who helped me from the very beginning. so this is where i say thanks. you help. i wish everyone was like you guys. and everyone that reviews my scripts thank you also. shoganah (something like that haha) and ziggy. if i left you out sorry.

Probably some major spoilers contained within so don't read on...




You've been warned.




All 3 episodes are in this review, hope it's helpful...


Episode 1

So you know, I haven't read the other reviews so if I mention similar things well just ignore them or something.

The first few things are a montage I�m guessing, right? You should add after INT.  BEDROOM - MONTAGE just so we know that's what is going on. Maybe that's not the intent or what's supposed to happen, it works either way just I don't think anyone would want to watch someone take a shower... On average that's like 10 minutes and well unless  it's a dirty film I'd say you mean that as like a cut to 10 minutes later and she gets out, works better as a montage for me.

You are telling us it's Mark and what she likes to do, on purpose instead of finding a way to show it? Usually I'd complain like others will but I'm just going to say it's not conventional but it makes it better in certain scenarios.

         Mark
Nothing I just flu back in from Florida. - I believe that would be flew and not flu as in he's sick

Read the first conversation between Mark and Allison and see if you catch some of the dialogue mistakes, nothing big just small things. Remember to capitalize the names of characters when we first meet them.

Here's an idea for you, instead of that scene with Kelly and Allison the way it is, make Kelly kinda joking with her. I mean it would be better but if you don't want to change it that much, just make the scene longer, because they seem to be talking direct and it doesn't flow well. Add some pauses if you want it to be serious, add a parenthetical that tells us she's angry.

Allison wakes up. Her head was in her arms with her head down.  - Here you added a was which isn't right, because this is happening as we read so she has her head in her arms.

The synopsis says she hears voices but there were no voices being heard, unless you meant in her dream but that doesn't count.

So, I liked the first episode. It was interesting compared to other shows it's very original so far. Here's my main problem with it thought, Allison comes of as kinda an easy slutty girl who as a Main Character should never come off this way.



Episode 2

Are you obsessed with blood? Nah, that's just a joke. The blood is I guess made for this series but there is a line where you add too much.

You should never have action say "scared shitless" just scared is enough.  Allison says SHIT! A lot and it hurts her character a little. You're not really developing her which hurts her a little. The story is there but not explained very well yet. Story and character development are key and you're building to something but you're not spending time on the characters.

The way Allison's 1 liners are she might as well be a man; you need some dialogue especially for Allison because it is key that we like her and not find her speech the worst part of the experience.

The arguing couple, for some reason when women swear like that I just find it hard to believe. Maybe I like mine nice and proper instead of sounding like I would on a daily basis.

Okay I think you made an error in the school...

Here you write - The windows are broken and the door is broken off. It is the most damage she has ever seen. And than - The front doors then suddenly shut.

How can they shut if they're broken off?

I liked the ending to this episode, very creepy and leave you wondering what next... But maybe you should have added another character or add one eventually because by her self Allison is a little bland, boring and one dimensional.

I enjoyed this episode very much.



Episode 3

These flashbacks should be more in ep's 1 and 2 to build her character better. You should read through these very closely and you'll see the small tiny spelling problems that spell check cannot see.

This episode was pretty good as well as you can tell by the shorter review ha-ha. Other than the same gripes as the other two I must say I'm looking forward to some more. Although you should never end episode, well every one in a cliffhanger but I guess it makes people want to read on.

All in all this seems like a very good start to something big, you should watch the same things happening over and over and they'll get boring if you don't find new ways to have people dead ha-ha.

Good job and I'll look forward to Episode 4

Hey, I read episode 3, and skipped 1 and 2 to see what it was like.

I think your very descriptive, and you write really well, although some of the dialouge needs some work.
Ex. The town could not find them. I could not find them.
I read it aloud, and it sounded kinda tacky, do you know what I mean?

The flashbacks were really good, and George is a good character that I like, even if he's a ghost or whatever I'm assuming.

All, in all, I liked this episode, and I'll read ep.s 1 and 2 later.

Yeah, I look forward to ep. 4, with chris and allison.
Great way to end the episode.

Joey

Writing for episode four has started today. So the middle/end of next month i should have this done. The events of this episode are going to be hard to write which is why it is taking a little longer. Anyone else plan on reading this?

Andrew

Episode four will leave off where the last episode left off. This one is grittier and more gruesome then any of the episodes you will read.

Plot For Episode Four (Some Spoilers)










After the events in Episode Three. Allison wakes up in a basement chained to a sink. In the basement she is forced to watch people get murdered as the story starts to unfold piece by piece.

Andrew made a mistake. There will only be 5 episodes. I counting wrong somehow haha. Episode four will be out soon. So be prepared haha

Wait did you just talk in the first person when you said "Andrew made a mistake." ..?

haha. yeah. i tend to do that a lot now.

Episode four will be full of twists. should be out end of next week.

Episode four will be the most exciting of all. It has the first out of two huge twists and you should like it.

I just read the first part and have decided not to read everyone else's comments on it.

First of all, it's way too short to mean anything.  What is this a series for?  You can't build suspense suspense in twelve page chapters (especially when you space everything out the way you do).

You tend to describe things in ways that can't be shown on the camera.  On page one, you have that description of Allison, which shouldn't be there for any reason.  Being a sports fan doesn't mean anything here.  If you film this, how are the viewers going to know that she likes sports?

A messed up room does not indicate a messed up life.  If you're trying to convey this, find another way (like having her run around the house looking for her keys).

'It's her boyfriend Mark' is another example of this.

'Ambience Museum is a museum for lost and ancient artifacts' is another example.

Your dialogue is very condensed, which results in it being forced and you not being able to develop the characters.

Don't use abbreviations in a script.  Save 'C-YA' for text messaging your friends.  Spell everything out in script writing.

I had a problem with Mark's death.  He's lying in the road, at night, dying (or dead), and her curiousity gets the better of her where she looks at a box on the ground?

Your chapter ender leaves a little to be desired.  It was more of a scene ender than an episode ender.

Over all, you should extend the episode.  Remove some of the scenes that don't pertain to the story and flesh everything else out.

I'll get to the second chapter soon.


Phil

Thank you for the review and i apprichiate you doing so. In the end it will be 60 pages. BUT i have pages and pages i cut out. This episode you read was orginally 20 pages. I cut the pages because they were not complete and i want the reader to have more to read once they read the whole 120 page version.

I am working on Episode Two and making it better and fixing mistakes and such. So i would like to say everything you have mentioned has been changed and is a much better read. The complete Episode One is 19 pages, I hope you read on and enjoy the story.

I just completed episode 4. It is shorter like 11 pages. That is because in the extended full version there is a backstory and all.

Thanks again for the review and it helped.

I read episode two and I have problems with it.

Contagium is not a story, but rather a series of scene (and images) that are faintly tied together through Allison.  There's no cohesion to the weirdness and nothing is happening.  Everything comes down to:  something scared Allison; she runs; something e;se scares Allison, she runs; something else scares Allison; she runs....

I find problems with your scene descriptions.  You describe things that can't be recorded.  At the very beginning, you write that 'she keeps hearing voices in her,' and 'she has a feeling that she is not alone and that something is following her.'

How does the camera show voices in her head?  How does the camera show her feelings?

Every other line you write involves blood and gore and veins in my teeth.  You write so much of it that the reader becomes desensitized (and bored) to it.  It seems that all you're doing is seeing how much gore you could fit on a page and, that by itself, doesn't make it scary.


Phil

hm. never really thought of it that way. well this episode leads to the main place the story takes place. there is where the storys starts to unfold. i am changing this episode around a lot at this moment.

The story doesn't start until episode three?  You have to start it at episode one.


Phil

The first two episodes is the set up for the real story. Of course the first 2 have somewhat a story but  it is all set up.

Do you think that people are going to sit through two episodes of setting up?  No one's attention span is that long.  Allison should know a little of what's going on, or atleast have met her adversary by the end of part one.

Right it, it just seems like she's in a dream.


Phil

there are things to keep the reader entertained in episode 1 & 2.

If you are entertained by simple blood and gore, then there are things to keep you entertained.  But that's all you have.  There's no character development and there's no real story.

There are other ways to scare people than gallons of blood.  Rent 'Silence of the Lambs.'  The scariest scene consisted of conversation between Hannibal Lector and Agent Starling.  'The Blair Witch Doctor' was scary not because of blood and gore but because of suspense and not knowing what was chasing the three fiilmmakers.

Something to think about...

I read part three, Andrew, and I don't think I'll be reading four.  You're essentially repeating yourself with every scene.  The more blood you use, the less of an impact it has.  The same with gore.  I was actually surprised when I saw that Mark didn't die a bloody death.

I'm under the impression that you've been playing Silent Hill 2 while you were playing this.

Write a scary story and add the blood later.  If you can't, then you don't have a story.


Phil

i never played silent hill in my life.
and im sorry you didnt like it. every1 else did.
i am working on the recluse right now. summary can be found in work in progress.
this will be more in depth and you will like it.

The submit a script has been being mean to me lately and there will be a little delay on the next episode. So ima read it over again and make some changes if necessary. What does everything think of this so far? Could you see this made as a movie?

Episode 4 is now up. Please read and i hope you enjoy it.

Andrew

Andy, I don't see the point of any of this.  Much like the previous parts, all you're writing is gory scenes with a faint thread of a storyline.  If you want to shock anyone at this point, write a scene without blood or violence.


Phil

After reading over i do understand what you mean. The blood everywhere will be changed. And the violence in the beginning was used to tell the story. That actually has a meaning. Lol. Thanks for you review and i was wondering after this is all done and i re wrote it. Could you read it and tell me how it is then?

Write your story and then take away all the blood and gore.  If you don't have a recognizable story after this, you never did.


Phil

hmm. i like that idea. i will most certainly do that once i am all done. thank you

Here is what is going down.

I am not releasing any more parts. Only the rough draft of the whole script. Which will be done in a month or two. I have 65 pages written with many added/changed scenes. I cut back on some of the blood and gore and put more scares and more suspense in it. I fixed all the scenes that are telling you things. Instead i showed them. I took out all of the cheesy things and lines. I am going to fix all the dialouge soon and much more. I am extending the scene when Allison first enters the town. So this version will be MUCH MUCH better then what you have already read.

The reason i am doing this is so you have new things to read. If i put part 5 out i believe no one would want to read the final script. Yes there are over 40 new pages and what not. Including a sub plot which is added. So you will be reading the rough draft in about 2 months and i hope you enjoy it.

Andrew

Anyone else gonna read this?

Andrew, I read it. I think I'm going to go back and read all of them together.
This episode was scary. The bang, your dead, and the torture part, really freaky.
I think I know what you are doing here., but I can't figure out if Alison is only half dead or if she is dead yet.
Doggleby brought up some issues that make sense.
Tell me if I'm right or not okay? Is Alison doomed to live out eternity in this town when she dies? Is it Hell? Why would it be so?
Maybe you should go back to the beginning and show us what she did there to make this thing happen.
Your scenes are really creepy, I really enjoy them, but remember: beginning, middle, end. I'll be looking forward to reading the whole script.
Cindy
 

You just proved i am doing all of this right. The twist's that u mentioned are NOT used. My twist is totally different. And in case you didn't know. My next release will be the full version rough draft so i advise you not to read the episodes now and just wait for the full rough draft in a month or two. Added scenes, extended scenes, less cheesy things and everything will be different in this.

Thanks for giving me your opinion and i apprichiate it

I am submitting the rough draft today. There are no extended scenes so it is about 60 pages. I added some stuff here and there and edited some stuff. The full version should be released in a month or two.

This also includes the twist ending. The one you will be reading is the one i am using. But in the final version this ending will be extended.

I'll wait to read it then.
Cindy

UPDATE

The 80 page rough draft was just submitted. I have two endings for this and the one i submitted is the one i like the most. After everyone has read and found out the ending i will post the other ending and you guys can choose which one you like more.

THINGS THAT ARE/WILL BE ADDED:

Two different endings
Extended scene in the hallway of Ambience
Extended talk scene with Allison and Chris
Extended scene with Mark and Allison in restaurant
Extened scene with Allison and Kelly
NEW interrogation room interviews in beginning and end
Extened School scenes.
NEW elevator scene in Ambience Museum
Extended beginning rescue scene in street
MANY extended scenes with Allison and Chris


THINGS TAKEN OUT:
Blood in foggy trail
Blood all over trees and ground
The second 'scare' scene with george (the boy)
Some more blood here and there that is not important


Discussion moved to New Thread

-Don