Hi Bert.
Nice story. Here are some misspellings i found IMO.
p-3 Dannie's dialog in the bottom reads: you gets to wake up. Is S extra there?
p-6 Description reads: and makes it way around. I think you missed a S after it.
Thats all from my Point of view.
By the way. I see you are writing in microsoft word. Do you like it that way or you can't find any tools? Because it is little bit hard to read that way. If you want, give me your adress and I will send you my Final draft. Downloaded it then send it back to me. You can also download Celtx for free.

Hope I helped.
Jahongir.

Bumping up an old one -- so old it wasn't even in PDF.  It's from the very first OWC, but now revised somewhat.

It has been cleaned up a bit -- incorporated some feedback -- added a bit and cut a bit, as might be expected when returning to a script after 5 years or so.

It never got too many looks -- the Word format probably had something to do with that.

I do reciprocate reads for those who are interested in that.

Bert...

This is a great little short! It was well thought out. I had no problems with the visuals. I loved your characters. I couldn't find anything I'd even think to change. It's really a fantastic piece of work.

All I can say is great job!

d

Thanks, Dena.

I had hoped that it was a stronger piece after revisions, so I am pleased to hear that you liked it.

Hey Bert,

Had to check an oldie of your that has been given the once over.

SPOLIERS

As usual very well written, nice pace and flow. The intercut flashbacks are rightly timed and balanced.

I have to say you really did paint one nasty piece of work in Austin, I felt an evil streak running through him, yet the crimes were in some way minimal (those that we saw), or should I say violent. The degrading nature of what he did, how he liked it, the anger that ran through, all came across.

The end though was a mixed bag for me. When he steals the body he doesn't have a reason at that time. He just goes and talks to the wife, why take the body for that. Yes, it filters into the Viking burial event but that is decided afterwards.

One option would be for him to visit the wife, talk and then decide to steal the body. Cause and effect flowing a little more for my liking.

The final VO, again I'm mixed on that. I like the essence of acceptance, a sense of resolution but I don't feel I needed to be told this, them holding hands would have said enough, for me. Maybe chip could have a twich or something that disappears or changes as they hold hands.

Lovely writing and a decent tale.

All the best.

Hello, Bill.  Thank you for looking over the rewrite.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer When he steals the body he doesn't have a reason at that time. He just goes and talks to the wife, why take the body for that?

Ha...I guess that does seem a little weird.  An interesting thought on the progression of the story.  The van is just his ride at the time, and the passenger a matter of circumstance.  I never really thought of it like that.

That certainly could make for an interesting scene when Chip reveals to Mira what is in the back of his van.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer The final VO, again I'm mixed on that. I like the essence of acceptance, a sense of resolution but I don't feel I needed to be told this...Maybe chip could have a twitch or something that disappears...

Ah, this comment disappoints me -- as it tells me I did not make it clear enough that we are not really talking about resolution at all.  Acceptance, yes, but not resolution.

Chip is not "better" after this.  He never will be.  And he knows it.  But now he knows that is OK.

A twitch, if he had one, would still be there.

That final VO -- bookending the first VO -- is my attempt at going deep.  And now you see why I do it so seldom haha.  

Thank you for your comments, Bill, and for a few items to think about.

Hey Bert,

Had a quick re read of the last part as I am also interested in the themes of acceptance, resolution and in some cases the benefits of normalisation, which for many are key to the first two.

After a re read I see you point about it being acceptance rather than resolution, after all he talks about scars that remain, but I suppose the tone and image is that of someone who has found "a" peace and in a physical action has turned his back on the past.

I find it a shame in some ways that scripts can't be a little more deep but having said that it is hard for this not to turn into an essay, not that yours did.

In respect of the twitch that isn't, and I'm not saying it would be better for one, but as written with it's tone and with the actions, it does come across as any affliction would be at least mellowed but the events. Symbolically he has buried/burnt/disposed of his tormentor.

As always a great read, I hope you bump other scripts in due course.

Hey Bert,

Good job on another revision.

Good misdirection. For a second there, I thought Chip was still responsible for "it".  

Other than that, I enjoyed the story.

Gabe

Hey Bert,

It’s always a pleasure to check out old scripts from some of the veterans of SS.

Good story here, well executed.

The dialogue was the highlight for me and it read very well. Sometimes these pieces can become confusing with the flashbacks and all but this was very clear and direct.

The characters were also well developed and they all had personality, even Donnie in his short appearance was appealing.

The writing was good and it read fast, there were a few instances where I feel the writing could be tighter though.

Overall this is a solid piece with some fantastic characters and dialogue. I’m interested to know how many revisions this script has been through, I see it was originally posted in ’05?

Good job.

Steve

Hey Bert old pal!

I'd never read this one.
So, it'll be a treat to visit this tale with fresh eyes.

P. 1
Processed cheese food. Love it.
Right off the wrapper and still reads funny.

P. 3
Pretty fluid move from prologue to present day.
Though I think Austin's unnamed line doesn't add much.

P. 5
Dig the cigarette burn image.

Finished.
I enjoyed the read.
You continue to have a good eye for detail and turns of emotion.
Perhaps we went to the flashback well one time too many.
The prolonged locker rescue didn't do anything for me.

The characters click, though I didn't get the bad seed vibe from Austin.
I was a little unclear why it was so important to Chip to take the body.
I would've liked a more ironclad reason for the theft.  
Or perhaps meeting Mira when she IDs the body or something.
Something passive like that to initiate things suits Chip's personality better for me.

Still, these are quibbles in an otherwise stout tale. Nice stuff.

Regards,
E.D.

Absolutley loved this one.  Instantly recognized Austin's character.  Not only a bully but also blames his problems on everyone else.

The Viking pyre and the ending V.O. were both excellent.  Dialog was incredibly smooth and you also have one of the best loglines I've read in a very long time.

Thanks for the read!

Bert

This turned out to be a rather provoking meditation on revenge and lingering psychological and physical trauma. It must be your unassuming style of writing but the issues are dealt with such a light, deft touch that I was almost lulled into believing this was sweet tale where the bad guy pays his due and the possibility of hope and redemption springs forth...when actually its quite a dark, vindictive tale of sinister implications.

I couldn’t help thinking that their conversation in the van on pages 4-5 would have happened before then. Could this take place as they are loading him or perhaps on arrival? Maybe Donnie could fill him on the victim’s background details en route before Chip realises the stiff is who he thinks it is.

You could still have the cool transition from the face of young, laughing Austin to a dead, mid forties Austin because I know you’d like to keep that and should. Just maybe have the ensuing conversation that takes place in the van as you’ve written it going on before or during Chip’s realisation.

I had a bit of trouble believing Chip and Mira would talk so openly like that considering they don’t know each other and the sheer gravity of the situation. I realise that’s the situation is what has brought them together but the likelihood of this meeting I found suspect. However, the strength of your dialogue and the conversation’s natural progression gives it credence and gets you back on board with the story.

I thought about what word to describe the conclusion and “controversial” is the best I can come up with. We are rooting for these two victims and it’s a great dramatic canvas to finish the piece on, two wronged people walking away from the floating, blazing wreck of the wrong doer. The lonely fishing vessel languidly carrying its burning, expired goods out to sea is undoubtedly an arresting image but I couldn’t help felling a bit of a sour aftertaste. Mira’s reasons I can understand more so since Andrew’s mistreatment is still fresh and visible through her injuries but this rash act is surely not going to help her case. Chip, meanwhile, probably needed to let sleeping dogs lie, this happened over two decades ago, man, you need to move...yet who am I judge, bullying has noted long term effects on the bullied and this was a particularly nasty if short lived case.

Either way, these two have a helluva lot of explaining to do!
Good read.

Col.

Sorry about the delayed response, guys.

As mentioned elsewhere, life finds me in a busy place these days, with little time for the boards and my comfortable status quo still a month or two away.

This weekend, however, finds me with a little breathing room -- a glass of New Zealand Sauvignon in hand.  Grapefruity.  Yum.  

All comments have been appreciated, enjoyed, and fully absorbed -- with somewhat abbreviated responses below in the interests of brevity and time.

Quoted from Reef After a re-read I see you point about it being acceptance rather than resolution, after all he talks about scars that remain, but I suppose the tone and image is that of someone who has found "a" peace and in a physical action has turned his back on the past.

Thanks for the second look, and damned if you haven't convinced me that you may be correct. Perhaps those final images do imply too much -- and while it is splitting fine hairs, I do see that now and will certainly think on some possible rearrangements.

Quoted from Ripley For a second there, I thought Chip was still responsible for "it".

Ripley, sometimes I think you are from another planet.  You certainly have your own prism on the world, at any rate.  Nobody has ever said that before -- and it never even occurred to me -- but I can definitely see where you are coming from, too.

What an interesting take on this piece, and I wonder if there is anything to be done with that...?

Quoted from Coop I’m interested to know how many revisions this script has been through, I see it was originally posted in ’05?

Thanks, Coop.  2005 -- I know, right?  Time does get away somehow.  This is actually the first rewrite, as I was mostly happy with the one-week draft, even though it was in Word and looked like crap.  But I did spend about two weeks off-and-on with revisions before sending it back to Don.

Quoted from ED Dig the cigarette burn image.

That is new to the rewrite.  I dig it, too.  Thanks.

Quoted from ED The prolonged locker rescue didn't do anything for me.

Dammit -- that's the linchpin to the whole story, Brett.  If you revisit this thread, please try to elaborate a bit on your problems here.

Quoted from Asteroid ...you also have one of the best loglines I've read in a very long time.

Thanks for all of your thoughts, A.J.  As to the logline, Dogglebe (Phil) liked the logline, too -- and he doesn't like anything -- so you are in good company.

Quoted from Kurtz This turned out to be a rather provoking meditation on revenge and lingering psychological and physical trauma. It must be your unassuming style of writing but the issues are dealt with such a light, deft touch that I was almost lulled into believing this was sweet tale where the bad guy pays his due and the possibility of hope and redemption springs forth...when actually its quite a dark, vindictive tale of sinister implications.

Kurtz with the frickin' treatise haha!  Always a pleasure for you to drop by, Col, and in all seriousness I want you to know -- as the author -- I loved this paragraph.

McClung will do that, too, sometimes -- where you just tap into my head and extract everything I wanted the reader to take away.  Thanks, man.  Really.

Quoted from Kurtz Either way, these two have a helluva lot of explaining to do!

Indeed they do.  But the point is they do not care.  Not a whit.

Thanks again, guys.  All of it is appreciated so much.  I will try to find some time this weekend for some payback reads around here.

Yes I am crazy. In this type of business, you have to be crazy to create stories. lol.

Hope everything's going good for you.

Gabe

Hey Bert.

I haven't been around too much these past couple months, and my heart kind of skipped a beat and I had to do a double take when I saw your name attached to something new being posted.  If I had been drinking water at that exact moment, I probably would've fried my keyboard.

Well, I guess it isn't exactly new, but... it still came as a shock.  I was excited.

Another great story.  A lot of emotion.  Great descriptions.  (Again, some will say overwritten, but ya-di-da-da, we've had this conversation more than once.  If you lose some of those descriptions, you'll lose some of the atmosphere and character of the story.)

(All right, ass-kissing time's over.)

However, this one has a couple too many holes from you than I'm used to, which I'll get to in a moment.  I've browsed through a couple of others' responses and saw that one of the holes hadn't been brought up before, so maybe it's just me and something I missed in the read.

(Slight ass-kissing time again.)  This story is powerful and deserves to be made.  I really recommend Trelby for you for proper formatting.

Remember when we talked before and we both liked how Microsoft Word allowed us some of the freedom that screenwriting software didn't allow?  The times have changed.  Microsoft is way off now.  Trelby's free and just as good as Final Draft, if not better, and a lot cleaner .pdf transfer.

My guess is you'll have about a twelve or thirteen page script here.  A lot of your 3 and 4 line dialogue blocks will be 2 and 3 lines.

Of course, I didn't let the margins and what not detract me from the story.  Now onto some of the trappings in the story.  I mean, holes.

First off, Brett brought up the prolongued rescue locker scene.  From what I've seen, he hasn't answered yet, but I think what he was talking about was:  How does that scene move the story along?  It seems like it's just a transition-filler to put in before the 'Viking send off' scene.

I guess you could make the argument that seeing him on the floor in a fetal position and him puking highlights how he won't easily forget what happened throughout his life, but we kind of already got that feeling anyway.

But I'm not going to argue about this scene.  You know I love seeing body fluids in stories.  :-)

I loved the ending and the fact that Mira doesn't have to pay for Austin's funeral or coffin or gravesite or gravestone anymore.  (It's actually giving me an idea on how I can save my family a couple bucks when I kick the bucket.)

But I don't like how Chip is going to have to do the inevitable prison time afterwards.  (Stealing a fresh body and mutilating a corpse might not be a heavy offense any other time, (I believe it's only a hefty fine and a couple months in jail), but trust me, that punishment gets a lot worse when that destroyed body is evidence in a murder trial and you add on an obstruction of justice charge to boot.)  Having our hero have to pay that kind of price for someone who caused him so much hard ache just didn't sit well with me.

And, while we're on the topic of charges, why isn't Mira in jail?  She confessed to shooting him in the head.  True, it may have been a crime of passion, but it's still a crime.  They wouldn't just let her walk around like that.

You can say that it was in self-defense, but she still has to prove that in a court of law for a bullet between the eyes.

You can say that she made bond, but where did she get the money?  Austin wasn't well off.  (Lol.  Eventhough he had a boat.)  And if he was well off, then I guess 'Chip' must not have really messed his life up that bad enough to have to complain about it to his wife day in and day out.

Well, maybe I'm just looking into it too much, or I missed something during my read and you already covered those points.  If so, I'm sorry.

Otherwise, this is still a great tale that, like I said, is powerful enough and deserves to be filmed.  Promise me that you'll at least tinker with Trelby whenever you get the chance.  You might be surprised how short a lot of your longer stories will end up being after properly formatted and marginalized.

This was a great story that makes me wish you had a lot more free time on your hands for writing, Bert.

- Mark

P.S.  -  Lol.  After thinking about it, I realized I have a story where someone gets into a scuffle with someone and a gun goes off and one of them dies.  The police never arrested the person who lived, either.  The circumstances are different, of course, but I might have to go back over that scene and see if they should actually get arrested.

Thanks, Bert.  I was hoping to just sit back and read other people's stories today and take a break from mine.