Trappings by Robert G. Newcomer (bert) - Short, Drama - The body in the back of Chip's van is about to change his life.  Again. 17 pages - pdf, format

Thanks for putting up with us, Don.  You're the king.

Sorry about the whacked out page breaks on this.  I gotta get PDF, man...

Wow, other than a few problems in the format like bunched together and too many spaces in other places this was really well written. For 12 pages it leaves you wanting more.

Since theirs not much to say, I'll just say good job.

Good job, Bert. I wasn't sure where this was going when Chip took off in the van but you managed to surprise me with a nice little pay-off.

The dialogue between Chip and Donnie was good, as was Chip's little monologue at the end.

It left me wondering, which is always a good thing.

Not much else to say. I liked it.

Bert,

Well at least u didn't use my name. haha

This short starts off great and gets right to the point. I think you described it all very well. I didn't like Donnie. He seemed like pushed in there. I don't know. Maybe his dialouge or something.

I liked how you made Chip meet Mira. It was very dramatic and very well done. I enjoyed every bit of it.

Great story man, great story.

Hey there Bert!

Really great script!!



SPOILERS - >>



FIrst off, the description in this script was really good. I enjoyed it immensely, totally set the scenes up nicely!! Well done! Wow, another voice over script - I liked the way you used it here.

Loved the opening scene in the lunchroom - especially the little banter with the lunch lady. I like those kinds of details in a script.

Really liked the way you went from Austin's face at school to the shot of his face.. with the bullet shot! I think that would have a lot of impact on screen. Gross, but great.

I loved Donnie's line about the doctor he had to pick up. Really strong sense of circle of life sort of thing. I think that the scene in the van is a tad too long. I like Donnie, just think it could be tighter overall here.

I totally did not see the ending coming, was almost surreal you know?! I liked it though, it surprised me and that's always a great thing. I liked Mira too. I like the way you described her beauty and the injuries too.

Last voiceover was fantastic.

I think you write extremely well. Great job Bert!  

Andy xxx

Very well done!

I will have to go about this one in reverse order.

The closing voiceover was brilliant, and very well layed out.

The flashback sequences are very descript and well written.

I enjoyed the beginning and was pleasantly suprised as to where the story went with Mira and Chip.

Overall, very good short with alot of interesting dialogue.

Not too bad, Bert. I think the only complaint I would have is that we don't really get a sense of who Chip IS today. The story flowed along real well. The only description hiccup came when Chip went up to Mira's door (wasn't sure if we were here or in the past), but I figured it out pretty quickly.

The only other odd thing to me was that one day made such an impact in this guy's life that he would remember this guy so many years later. It may have been a major trauma, but would he be compelled to risk his job over it?

That's just me, though. All in all, good job.

I don't know how everyone else approached the bully situation(considering this is the first I read), but the flashback sequences with Chip and Austin were fantastic!  They were written very strongly and really made the ending all the more satisfying.  I also enjoyed some of the sharp dialogue such as Chip's opening V.O. on how parents say things about the move to make you feel better.  

Donnie's precense I found a bit annoying but some of his dialogue was sharp too, such as the "he brings me in and I take him out" passage.  Overall, very well done, especially the bully sequences

Well Done Bert!

I especially liked the dialogue between Chip and Mira. Overall, good story...way different than mine!

Congrats!

Bert,

Hey guy. Chip was a VERY interesting character, but toward the end he seemed to change. He wasn't as developed later on as he was in the beginning. I really liked how the effect on Austin's life was greater than Chip's life. Real good stuff here, you've done it again!

-ONEY

For starters, Bert, you have the best logline I've read for this game.  I enjoyed reading that in itself.

The story was well written.  It wasn't just a bully and several different instances of him being the bully.  Writing it as one long series of realted events gave it depth.  You showed how their one-day relationship snowballed

I also enjoyed how Chip's entire life was affected by Austin, rather than Chip seemingly forgetting about him until they 'met' again.  Austin hating Chip through his entire life and Chip thinking that Austin ruined his life said a lot about their lives and how much you developed them.  You thought it through real well.


Phil


Phil

A.W.E.S.O.M.E!!

Bert, this was really really good.

In the Toilet flashback, I actually felt I was there, I was actually shaking!

I loved the dialouge, the format was brillant, and the Voice Overs were so cool!

Good twistie thingie bob at the end - always like them!

9.4/10 - Best screenplay I have read - seriously.

The 0.6 points were because of Austin - I hated him - I guess everyone did, but that's why. Dunno. xD

Curse!

Quoted from CurseScripts Good twistie thingie bob

That sounds like some kind of a snack food...

Glad you liked it, Curse.  You should check out some of the other entries in this little excercise.  We only had a week to write them, and they all turned out so different.  It was pretty cool.

I would recommend you try "Requiem".  Good, creepy stuff.  That was my personal favorite of the lot...even more than mine!

Hey Bert,

I finally have enough time to read all the screenwriting exercise shorts, and I decided to start with yours. Regarding the description, it was great. Usually I have to fill in details with my mind but not here. Also in this script the flashback sequences were written very well. Good job.

-Zavier

TRAPPINGS


Im only a few lines in to this but the way you write is so good it deserves a mention. You're descriptions are acurate and detailed but with a good sense of humour aswell.
The way you switch from the past to the present was really well done.

This really whizzed by very quickly and all in all, it was a great read.

I think you're characters were all good, Donnie had a couple of good lines particularly about the doctor.
I think you also outlined Chip's character really well. It seems he's been stuck with this persona ever since he was a kid and the finale means he is now free to get on with a life. Mira, too.

Dialouge is spot on and you're writing is ace. The only shame is that this is so short!

Great job, Bert.

Hey Bert,

I read this. Very good. Description was above average as usual. I really like your descriptive style. You have your own voice. I’m not quite able to recognize your writing without knowing the author, as I’ve learned from the writing challenges, but I still think your writing is very distinct. Though there didn’t seem to be as many Bertisms in this, which I’ll chalk up to having been on a deadline.

Format is fairly impeccable, as usual. And you have excellent word choice. I think you’re one of the best technicians I’ve read around here.

I printed this off because I didn’t feel like sitting at the computer for a while. My printer informed me that your bottom margin was .5. I don’t know if you realized that.

****SPOILERS****

The story was fine, in large part thanks to the writing. Only two things really stretched the boundaries of credibility as far as I thought:

1) I’m not sure that the police would have let Mira go home so soon after killing her husband. I would think they would arrest her for murder. The abuse from her husband would have been part of her defense. I wouldn’t think she would be out on bail before the body went to the morgue.

Of course, her being free is crucial to the plot. I was, however, willing to believe it. I just assumed the clear bruises were meant to sort of make her abuse obvious even to the police, who would surely want to make an arrest. Also, it’s obvious that Austin has a past of troubles which would surely include legal ones. So I bought it. But I had to think about it.

2) I was at odds as to whether Austin’s actions were horrid enough for Chip to be fixated on him his entire life. Being stuck in a locker all night is pretty gruesome, I think. But I wasn’t sure that one night at school would constitute so much agony for someone as to ruin his career by destroying a corpse.

I was willing to accept it but the hardest thing to accept was how Chip’s actions could have been perceived to cause so much trouble for Austin. I think maybe the Mira character could fill in the blanks a little and tell us a little more about the chain reaction the locker incident set off. He was sent to reform school, he never graduated, etc.

Just some thoughts. Overall, I thought it was pretty good.

Brea

Hey Brea!  What are you doing here?  I thought I told Ben to read this one.

Thanks for looking, though.  Not too many Bertisms here.  It's an early work, and one's style is continually evolving, you know?  Or it should be.  That's what I think.

And a technician, huh?  You make it sound like plumbing or something.

As to the plot points in question, I have no idea how realistic it is that Mira would be free at home.  You just gotta' buy into that one, I guess.

But you don't think you would remember that locker, huh?  How about if I made it over the entire weekend?  In fact, I like that.  It's already going in the "someday" rewrite.

And you are quite right about making it more clear what happened to Austin in the aftermath of this little event.  Chalk that one up to the short deadline.

Thanks again, Brea.  Looking forward to your new one -- even if it does sound like some old guy clearing his throat haha.

Quoted from bert Hey Brea!  What are you doing here?  I thought I told Ben to read this one.

Well, you got me instead.

Quoted from bert But you don't think you would remember that locker, huh?

****SPOILERS****

I would probably remember the locker incident for a long time. But I’m not sure if it would become such a focal point in my life. The lockers in my school weren’t so strong that someone couldn’t have mangled them by morning though. But, mainly, I just wasn’t sure if it was so bad as to throw your life away as an adult, which is essentially what Chip did. You steal a corpse (especially one involved in a murder investigation) and burn it, you’re going to lose your job and go to jail.

Chip said he only knew this guy one day. So the gum incident, the bathroom incident, and the locker incident were the only times they ever met. This wasn’t a bully who picked on him all through high school. It was a punk he had one (albeit horrible) experience with. I didn’t see why Austin would even remember Chip. He probably picked on so many kids.

Quoted from bert Looking forward to your new one -- even if it does sound like some old guy clearing his throat haha.

Wow. That’s exactly what it’s about. Some old guy clears his throat for a hundred pages.

You’re just upset because Starr Jones got fired from The View and you’re taking it out on me. -- hahaha!

Hey Bert,

This one was pretty cool, the opening V.O by Chip was dead on, I remember when I got sent away and had to go to another school in another country, that's totally how I felt, so good job there.

I thought the story flowed quite nice between the flashback and present day and I had no idea where this was going, which was good.

One thing that gets me, it always gets me when I hear of spousal abuse, if Mira hated Austin so much why did she stay with him, by the sounds of it it seemed she never really liked him, I never get stuff like that.

Loved the ending on the boat, that was a great surprise.

I think on the last page when Chip says "But that’s a lot of shit" he should say "but that's a load of shit"  sounds better I think.

anyways this was another good one.

PS: Are Chip and Mira gonna hook up now?

Hey, thanks for resurrecting this one, Jordan.  This was one of those "one-week" stories, and I've always been pretty fond of the way this one turned out, as it is so different from the type of stuff I usually put out there.

Martin's "Requiem" that you also read today was part of the same exercise -- a completely different take on the same theme -- and I agree with you that one is just a fantastic effort.

So you think it should be "load of shit", huh?  Well, I suppose if Jordan gives you advice on proper cursing techinique you ought to take it  

I'll make the change whenever I go back into this one for renovations.  Thanks for your thoughts on this one.

(And yeah -- they hook up.)

Bert,

Since I haven't had time to read anything real long lately, I've explored some of the Shorts. I like to finish with one writer's pieces, before moving to another's work. This way, it gives me more of a feel for their style and recurring themes.

Settling the bully is one of my pet themes, and you've done a good show of that here.

From your logline, I thought it referred to a body he'd recently killed. Thus, I was surprised how it really was. That didn't hurt the enjoyment of the story.

I love voice overs, and the thoughts in yours are penetrating. I do think it would have helped to put PAST and PRESENT in the time jumps, but it's not a major flaw in a shortie.

I liked the sardonic tone Donnie had. It worked for me. Austin is so totally mean, there might be some danger of one-sidedness here. Abusive people usually have interludes of some decency, to keep people under power to them.

The hurts of youth are a wellspring of material for stories. It seems you have a real strength in this area.

Being stuffed in a locker and almost suffocated is plenty of reason for lifelong trauma. I don't think he could survive over a weekend. Think hard about that.

Hi Monette.  You must have been in a real reading mood haha.

This is another one-week challenge story -- a drama in which a funeral home worker is confronted by the body of an old bully.

Since I just discussed "Requiem" with Jordan a few posts back, I'll give the link:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1121874780/

Try that story for a completely different -- and powerful -- take on the same theme.

You make an excellent point with the "past" and "present" designations.  A few people got confused about that, it it could be made more clear.

I went back and read this one again this morning for the first time in a long time -- and was surprised nobody caught my little inside joke --

"Kroehner Funeral Home", where Chip works, is the competing funeral home on "Six Feet Under".  I had forgotten I put that in there haha.

Thanks again, Monette!

Quoted from bert I went back and read this one again this morning for the first time in a long time -- and was surprised nobody caught my little inside joke -- "Kroehner Funeral Home", where Chip works, is the competing funeral home on "Six Feet Under".  I had forgotten I put that in there haha.

What if "Six Feet Under" makes a stink that you used something of theirs? I'd use a made up name to be on the safe side. Why risk their wrath, eh?

Can't help but feel like popping in here and not reading anything makes me look like something of a lazy bastard. So I thought I'd take a look at this. Somehow your older scripts always disappear only to get bumped months later. Anyway...

I liked this one a good deal. I liked the transitions between the past and present. The past had action and the present had reflection. I thought the contrast was very good and made reading this much more satisfying. Chip is a likeable character as well. Everyone can feel for the kid who finds himself in trouble when he was only minding his own business.

I did however feel the first half of the story was a bit repetitive. A lot of the present scenes involved Chip's partner telling him he didn't look good. Once is enough. We get the idea. We also know that Austin died from a bullet to the head from the introduction of his dead self. No need to reiterate.

Other than that, pretty solid story. I was a bit afraid at the beginning that the V.O. would go overboard but that wasn't the case. The conclusion was also something I didn't expect and I liked that. Things don't always have a happy ending and I felt that was very appropriate here.

Anyway, good job, Bert. Always a pleasure.

Hey, James.  I also get worried when stories start off with a long V.O.  I intentionally kept that minimal here -- as a bookend kinda' thing -- and I was really just playing with it, as it is not a technique I use very often.

I am going to look for that repetitive stuff right now and see if I can find it.  Thanks for jumping into one of this story's cyclic re-emergences haha.  I appreciate your thoughts on it.

Quoted from MonetteBooks What if "Six Feet Under" makes a stink that you used something of theirs?

That would fall under "no PR is bad PR".  I would be so completely amazed they had even seen the story that I would gleefully accept whatever stink they wanted to raise.

Hey Bert, im just reading through some of your scripts as you seem to have good idea of what makes a good script and i decided to read this first.

I must say that i really liked this and how it went from the past to the present. It showed how things that affected us when we were younger can still affect us when were older. I liked that the two people that Austin had treated the worst in his life could banish their demons of him together.

Great story and look forward to reading more of your scripts.

Hey, there Fish.  Boy, you really dug up a relic here haha.

Looking back through this one, I really need to update this file into a PDF don't I?  Lord, what a mess it is.

I am glad you enjoyed it, though.  I really like this one, too, as it is quite different from most of my work.  I really had to step out of my comfort zone for this OWC -- and if memory serves, I think this might have been the very first OWC.

Quoted from TheBigFish It showed how things that affected us when we were younger can still affect us when were older.

Yes, that was the takeaway message.  Not an earth-shattering message, really, but I suspect all of us have been both Chip and Austin and different times in our lives.  This is perhaps one of the most personal pieces I've ever posted.

Welcome to the boards, Fish, and thanks for reminding me of this one.  It is due for a reformatting, if nothing else.

Hey Bert,

You've got any more great shorts hidden away here? Don't know how I managed to miss this one but I'm glad I found it. What a special story this was, very emotional. It hooked me from the start and kept my eyes peeled from start to finish. A real pageturner.

Nice work with the flashbacks - they worked really smooth. I skipped over the one instance of "DISSOLVE TO" you used, cos' your writing had already told me that the one scene dissolved into the next. Your descriptions worked really well. The way you laid out the visuals here made this script such an easy read. I was really impressed with how well you build the atmosphere in this piece.

Now, onto the nitpicks.

I didn't find it plausible that Mira would be at home since she was the one who blew Austin's brains out. Yes, I know that she could probably be out on bail, and I guess a case could be made that she shot him in self-defense, but it would help (at least me) if you would touch upon that.

Another thing, why burn the boat? I can understand why they both would want to burn Chip's body, but unless the boat symbolizes something for Mira (and that is not how I read it) then it doesn't make much sense to me to burn the boat. I mean she could sell it and rack in some much needed cash.

All in all a damn fine script, one that you should be very proud of.

Cheers
Rob

PS: What was the theme for this OWC? I'm guessing something about being trapped?

Hey, thanks you guys.  It is nice to have some new looks on this one after so much time, as I always felt it had been a bit overlooked.

It is a shame the file is in such bad shape, though.  I am in the process of cleaning it up now, and fiddling around with some of the rough patches of dialogue now that I can work on this at my leisure outside of the one-week deadline.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I loved your descriptions and the sense of liberty, lack of restraint you have in your writing here.

Thanks, "me".  I will be sure to keep that aspect intact on this one.

Quoted from Grandma Bear ... everything , except for the cheesy'ish ending.

Hmm...are you referring to the boat, or the closing V.O., or both?

Quoted from Sniper You've got any more great shorts hidden away here?

Yeah.  Got some crappy ones, too haha.

I will take your thoughts on board since I am cleaning this one up, Rob, but will probably keep the end, as most readers seemed to like it pretty well.  But I can probably give it a little more meaning, too, as it is meant to symbolize them putting some old demons to rest.

Quoted from Sniper What was the theme for this OWC? I'm guessing something about being trapped?

It was a drama about a funeral home worker confronting the corpse of an old bully.  "Rest in Peace" by MacDuff is another that has been floating around the first page of the shorts board lately, and Martin wrote a helluva script for it called "Requeum".  Seek that one out -- I recommend it highly.

Hi Bert.
Nice story. Here are some misspellings i found IMO.
p-3 Dannie's dialog in the bottom reads: you gets to wake up. Is S extra there?
p-6 Description reads: and makes it way around. I think you missed a S after it.
Thats all from my Point of view.
By the way. I see you are writing in microsoft word. Do you like it that way or you can't find any tools? Because it is little bit hard to read that way. If you want, give me your adress and I will send you my Final draft. Downloaded it then send it back to me. You can also download Celtx for free.

Hope I helped.
Jahongir.

Bumping up an old one -- so old it wasn't even in PDF.  It's from the very first OWC, but now revised somewhat.

It has been cleaned up a bit -- incorporated some feedback -- added a bit and cut a bit, as might be expected when returning to a script after 5 years or so.

It never got too many looks -- the Word format probably had something to do with that.

I do reciprocate reads for those who are interested in that.

Bert...

This is a great little short! It was well thought out. I had no problems with the visuals. I loved your characters. I couldn't find anything I'd even think to change. It's really a fantastic piece of work.

All I can say is great job!

d

Thanks, Dena.

I had hoped that it was a stronger piece after revisions, so I am pleased to hear that you liked it.

Hey Bert,

Had to check an oldie of your that has been given the once over.

SPOLIERS

As usual very well written, nice pace and flow. The intercut flashbacks are rightly timed and balanced.

I have to say you really did paint one nasty piece of work in Austin, I felt an evil streak running through him, yet the crimes were in some way minimal (those that we saw), or should I say violent. The degrading nature of what he did, how he liked it, the anger that ran through, all came across.

The end though was a mixed bag for me. When he steals the body he doesn't have a reason at that time. He just goes and talks to the wife, why take the body for that. Yes, it filters into the Viking burial event but that is decided afterwards.

One option would be for him to visit the wife, talk and then decide to steal the body. Cause and effect flowing a little more for my liking.

The final VO, again I'm mixed on that. I like the essence of acceptance, a sense of resolution but I don't feel I needed to be told this, them holding hands would have said enough, for me. Maybe chip could have a twich or something that disappears or changes as they hold hands.

Lovely writing and a decent tale.

All the best.

Hello, Bill.  Thank you for looking over the rewrite.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer When he steals the body he doesn't have a reason at that time. He just goes and talks to the wife, why take the body for that?

Ha...I guess that does seem a little weird.  An interesting thought on the progression of the story.  The van is just his ride at the time, and the passenger a matter of circumstance.  I never really thought of it like that.

That certainly could make for an interesting scene when Chip reveals to Mira what is in the back of his van.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer The final VO, again I'm mixed on that. I like the essence of acceptance, a sense of resolution but I don't feel I needed to be told this...Maybe chip could have a twitch or something that disappears...

Ah, this comment disappoints me -- as it tells me I did not make it clear enough that we are not really talking about resolution at all.  Acceptance, yes, but not resolution.

Chip is not "better" after this.  He never will be.  And he knows it.  But now he knows that is OK.

A twitch, if he had one, would still be there.

That final VO -- bookending the first VO -- is my attempt at going deep.  And now you see why I do it so seldom haha.  

Thank you for your comments, Bill, and for a few items to think about.

Hey Bert,

Had a quick re read of the last part as I am also interested in the themes of acceptance, resolution and in some cases the benefits of normalisation, which for many are key to the first two.

After a re read I see you point about it being acceptance rather than resolution, after all he talks about scars that remain, but I suppose the tone and image is that of someone who has found "a" peace and in a physical action has turned his back on the past.

I find it a shame in some ways that scripts can't be a little more deep but having said that it is hard for this not to turn into an essay, not that yours did.

In respect of the twitch that isn't, and I'm not saying it would be better for one, but as written with it's tone and with the actions, it does come across as any affliction would be at least mellowed but the events. Symbolically he has buried/burnt/disposed of his tormentor.

As always a great read, I hope you bump other scripts in due course.

Hey Bert,

Good job on another revision.

Good misdirection. For a second there, I thought Chip was still responsible for "it".  

Other than that, I enjoyed the story.

Gabe

Hey Bert,

It’s always a pleasure to check out old scripts from some of the veterans of SS.

Good story here, well executed.

The dialogue was the highlight for me and it read very well. Sometimes these pieces can become confusing with the flashbacks and all but this was very clear and direct.

The characters were also well developed and they all had personality, even Donnie in his short appearance was appealing.

The writing was good and it read fast, there were a few instances where I feel the writing could be tighter though.

Overall this is a solid piece with some fantastic characters and dialogue. I’m interested to know how many revisions this script has been through, I see it was originally posted in ’05?

Good job.

Steve

Hey Bert old pal!

I'd never read this one.
So, it'll be a treat to visit this tale with fresh eyes.

P. 1
Processed cheese food. Love it.
Right off the wrapper and still reads funny.

P. 3
Pretty fluid move from prologue to present day.
Though I think Austin's unnamed line doesn't add much.

P. 5
Dig the cigarette burn image.

Finished.
I enjoyed the read.
You continue to have a good eye for detail and turns of emotion.
Perhaps we went to the flashback well one time too many.
The prolonged locker rescue didn't do anything for me.

The characters click, though I didn't get the bad seed vibe from Austin.
I was a little unclear why it was so important to Chip to take the body.
I would've liked a more ironclad reason for the theft.  
Or perhaps meeting Mira when she IDs the body or something.
Something passive like that to initiate things suits Chip's personality better for me.

Still, these are quibbles in an otherwise stout tale. Nice stuff.

Regards,
E.D.

Absolutley loved this one.  Instantly recognized Austin's character.  Not only a bully but also blames his problems on everyone else.

The Viking pyre and the ending V.O. were both excellent.  Dialog was incredibly smooth and you also have one of the best loglines I've read in a very long time.

Thanks for the read!

Bert

This turned out to be a rather provoking meditation on revenge and lingering psychological and physical trauma. It must be your unassuming style of writing but the issues are dealt with such a light, deft touch that I was almost lulled into believing this was sweet tale where the bad guy pays his due and the possibility of hope and redemption springs forth...when actually its quite a dark, vindictive tale of sinister implications.

I couldn’t help thinking that their conversation in the van on pages 4-5 would have happened before then. Could this take place as they are loading him or perhaps on arrival? Maybe Donnie could fill him on the victim’s background details en route before Chip realises the stiff is who he thinks it is.

You could still have the cool transition from the face of young, laughing Austin to a dead, mid forties Austin because I know you’d like to keep that and should. Just maybe have the ensuing conversation that takes place in the van as you’ve written it going on before or during Chip’s realisation.

I had a bit of trouble believing Chip and Mira would talk so openly like that considering they don’t know each other and the sheer gravity of the situation. I realise that’s the situation is what has brought them together but the likelihood of this meeting I found suspect. However, the strength of your dialogue and the conversation’s natural progression gives it credence and gets you back on board with the story.

I thought about what word to describe the conclusion and “controversial” is the best I can come up with. We are rooting for these two victims and it’s a great dramatic canvas to finish the piece on, two wronged people walking away from the floating, blazing wreck of the wrong doer. The lonely fishing vessel languidly carrying its burning, expired goods out to sea is undoubtedly an arresting image but I couldn’t help felling a bit of a sour aftertaste. Mira’s reasons I can understand more so since Andrew’s mistreatment is still fresh and visible through her injuries but this rash act is surely not going to help her case. Chip, meanwhile, probably needed to let sleeping dogs lie, this happened over two decades ago, man, you need to move...yet who am I judge, bullying has noted long term effects on the bullied and this was a particularly nasty if short lived case.

Either way, these two have a helluva lot of explaining to do!
Good read.

Col.

Sorry about the delayed response, guys.

As mentioned elsewhere, life finds me in a busy place these days, with little time for the boards and my comfortable status quo still a month or two away.

This weekend, however, finds me with a little breathing room -- a glass of New Zealand Sauvignon in hand.  Grapefruity.  Yum.  

All comments have been appreciated, enjoyed, and fully absorbed -- with somewhat abbreviated responses below in the interests of brevity and time.

Quoted from Reef After a re-read I see you point about it being acceptance rather than resolution, after all he talks about scars that remain, but I suppose the tone and image is that of someone who has found "a" peace and in a physical action has turned his back on the past.

Thanks for the second look, and damned if you haven't convinced me that you may be correct. Perhaps those final images do imply too much -- and while it is splitting fine hairs, I do see that now and will certainly think on some possible rearrangements.

Quoted from Ripley For a second there, I thought Chip was still responsible for "it".

Ripley, sometimes I think you are from another planet.  You certainly have your own prism on the world, at any rate.  Nobody has ever said that before -- and it never even occurred to me -- but I can definitely see where you are coming from, too.

What an interesting take on this piece, and I wonder if there is anything to be done with that...?

Quoted from Coop I’m interested to know how many revisions this script has been through, I see it was originally posted in ’05?

Thanks, Coop.  2005 -- I know, right?  Time does get away somehow.  This is actually the first rewrite, as I was mostly happy with the one-week draft, even though it was in Word and looked like crap.  But I did spend about two weeks off-and-on with revisions before sending it back to Don.

Quoted from ED Dig the cigarette burn image.

That is new to the rewrite.  I dig it, too.  Thanks.

Quoted from ED The prolonged locker rescue didn't do anything for me.

Dammit -- that's the linchpin to the whole story, Brett.  If you revisit this thread, please try to elaborate a bit on your problems here.

Quoted from Asteroid ...you also have one of the best loglines I've read in a very long time.

Thanks for all of your thoughts, A.J.  As to the logline, Dogglebe (Phil) liked the logline, too -- and he doesn't like anything -- so you are in good company.

Quoted from Kurtz This turned out to be a rather provoking meditation on revenge and lingering psychological and physical trauma. It must be your unassuming style of writing but the issues are dealt with such a light, deft touch that I was almost lulled into believing this was sweet tale where the bad guy pays his due and the possibility of hope and redemption springs forth...when actually its quite a dark, vindictive tale of sinister implications.

Kurtz with the frickin' treatise haha!  Always a pleasure for you to drop by, Col, and in all seriousness I want you to know -- as the author -- I loved this paragraph.

McClung will do that, too, sometimes -- where you just tap into my head and extract everything I wanted the reader to take away.  Thanks, man.  Really.

Quoted from Kurtz Either way, these two have a helluva lot of explaining to do!

Indeed they do.  But the point is they do not care.  Not a whit.

Thanks again, guys.  All of it is appreciated so much.  I will try to find some time this weekend for some payback reads around here.

Yes I am crazy. In this type of business, you have to be crazy to create stories. lol.

Hope everything's going good for you.

Gabe

Hey Bert.

I haven't been around too much these past couple months, and my heart kind of skipped a beat and I had to do a double take when I saw your name attached to something new being posted.  If I had been drinking water at that exact moment, I probably would've fried my keyboard.

Well, I guess it isn't exactly new, but... it still came as a shock.  I was excited.

Another great story.  A lot of emotion.  Great descriptions.  (Again, some will say overwritten, but ya-di-da-da, we've had this conversation more than once.  If you lose some of those descriptions, you'll lose some of the atmosphere and character of the story.)

(All right, ass-kissing time's over.)

However, this one has a couple too many holes from you than I'm used to, which I'll get to in a moment.  I've browsed through a couple of others' responses and saw that one of the holes hadn't been brought up before, so maybe it's just me and something I missed in the read.

(Slight ass-kissing time again.)  This story is powerful and deserves to be made.  I really recommend Trelby for you for proper formatting.

Remember when we talked before and we both liked how Microsoft Word allowed us some of the freedom that screenwriting software didn't allow?  The times have changed.  Microsoft is way off now.  Trelby's free and just as good as Final Draft, if not better, and a lot cleaner .pdf transfer.

My guess is you'll have about a twelve or thirteen page script here.  A lot of your 3 and 4 line dialogue blocks will be 2 and 3 lines.

Of course, I didn't let the margins and what not detract me from the story.  Now onto some of the trappings in the story.  I mean, holes.

First off, Brett brought up the prolongued rescue locker scene.  From what I've seen, he hasn't answered yet, but I think what he was talking about was:  How does that scene move the story along?  It seems like it's just a transition-filler to put in before the 'Viking send off' scene.

I guess you could make the argument that seeing him on the floor in a fetal position and him puking highlights how he won't easily forget what happened throughout his life, but we kind of already got that feeling anyway.

But I'm not going to argue about this scene.  You know I love seeing body fluids in stories.  :-)

I loved the ending and the fact that Mira doesn't have to pay for Austin's funeral or coffin or gravesite or gravestone anymore.  (It's actually giving me an idea on how I can save my family a couple bucks when I kick the bucket.)

But I don't like how Chip is going to have to do the inevitable prison time afterwards.  (Stealing a fresh body and mutilating a corpse might not be a heavy offense any other time, (I believe it's only a hefty fine and a couple months in jail), but trust me, that punishment gets a lot worse when that destroyed body is evidence in a murder trial and you add on an obstruction of justice charge to boot.)  Having our hero have to pay that kind of price for someone who caused him so much hard ache just didn't sit well with me.

And, while we're on the topic of charges, why isn't Mira in jail?  She confessed to shooting him in the head.  True, it may have been a crime of passion, but it's still a crime.  They wouldn't just let her walk around like that.

You can say that it was in self-defense, but she still has to prove that in a court of law for a bullet between the eyes.

You can say that she made bond, but where did she get the money?  Austin wasn't well off.  (Lol.  Eventhough he had a boat.)  And if he was well off, then I guess 'Chip' must not have really messed his life up that bad enough to have to complain about it to his wife day in and day out.

Well, maybe I'm just looking into it too much, or I missed something during my read and you already covered those points.  If so, I'm sorry.

Otherwise, this is still a great tale that, like I said, is powerful enough and deserves to be filmed.  Promise me that you'll at least tinker with Trelby whenever you get the chance.  You might be surprised how short a lot of your longer stories will end up being after properly formatted and marginalized.

This was a great story that makes me wish you had a lot more free time on your hands for writing, Bert.

- Mark

P.S.  -  Lol.  After thinking about it, I realized I have a story where someone gets into a scuffle with someone and a gun goes off and one of them dies.  The police never arrested the person who lived, either.  The circumstances are different, of course, but I might have to go back over that scene and see if they should actually get arrested.

Thanks, Bert.  I was hoping to just sit back and read other people's stories today and take a break from mine.

Hey Mark.  Good to see you around.  The board misses you when you go into hiding.

Quoted from Mark First off, Brett brought up the prolonged rescue locker scene.  How does that scene move the story along?  It seems like it's just a transition-filler.

What bothers me is that the "rescue" scene is supposed to be the key pay-off to the whole young Chip/Austin story line.  He shoves him in the locker...and what next?

It is supposed to be traumatic and horrible -- but the message I am getting is that it is mostly drawn-out haha.  I suppose I just need to let the story ferment again with those comments in mind.  

Quoted from Mark But I don't like how Chip is going to have to do the inevitable prison time afterwards.  And, while we're on the topic of charges, why isn't Mira in jail?

The easy answer for Chip is that he doesn't really care.  He lives in an empty sort of space where consequences are not an issue anymore.

The issue with Mira is a bit larger, of course.  The short (honest) answer is that it just needed to be that way for the story I wanted to tell.

I am no expert in legal processes, so I have no idea how realistic or unrealistic the scenario might be -- and I guess I am just hoping that most readers are equally ignorant.  If the hardened criminals who read this frown at those fine details, for now it is just a price I am willing to pay.

Quoted from Mark Remember when we talked before and we both liked how Microsoft Word allowed us some of the freedom that screenwriting software didn't allow?  The times have changed.  Microsoft is way off now.

I do recall that conversation -- and I still kind of feel the same way -- but to be honest I have not tried any of that new stuff so it is quite possible that I have no idea what I am talking about.  Wouldn't be the first time.  I tend to be a Luddite who is always amongst the last to move on to whatever is next.

I will remain a tough-sell, but I will also try to go in with an open mind.  One day soon.  Thanks for the nudge in that direction.  I suspect you are right that it probably is time.

Thanks for your thoughts and the kind words.  It is always entertaining to read notes from you, and I am always left with something to think about.

the segue from the first flashback to the present day, the way you worked it into the scene - that's some real awesome storying, it really made me sit up and take notice.

...also the dialogue in the van - sounded totally natural, intro'd Chip's dilemma, and consistent with the themes as well. i thought this was really impressive.

... only a couple of queries: present day chip's character. he seems to have been traumatised by what happened more than i expected... austin is a bully, will always be looking for someone else to blame and so ends up a loser naturally, but chip's the kid who fought back.

... and the ending was pleasant, but not quite as strong as i'd have hoped for. it feels like mira mentions a boat because you already had the final image in mind, and when she talks about the money problems and chip has an idea - i thought it was going to solve the money problems.

..but they're minor gripes. the narrative voice makes for an enjoyable read on its own, and the visuals are great - the cigarette burn in the picture is spot on for eg. most importantly, the characters and their relationships felt genuine - especially the spark between chip and mira. the best sort of twist - we can't see it coming, but when it does it seems 'right'.

w00t... as they say.