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The News Today (currently 1875 views) |
Don |
Posted: January 15th, 2006, 11:05am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16448 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
The News Today by J.P.S. - Short - This is what happens when a mom holds on to her sensitive daughter for too long. - doc, format |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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I_M |
Posted: January 15th, 2006, 11:43am |
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LocationCalifornia Posts131 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
My second short.
The title has nothing to do with the story, I spaced out when I was writing this.
Well...I hope you like it. |
| Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon. |
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Reply: 1 - 15 |
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Helio |
Posted: January 15th, 2006, 12:43pm |
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Old Timer Better to die with vodka than with tedium!
Posts1284 Posts Per Day 0.19 |
Hey JPS, it is a nice and funny piece, but without Cut to -zoom in etc. Rewrite it and place it again, before others buddies see it.
Good work anyway.
Helio |
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Reply: 2 - 15 |
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I_M |
Posted: January 15th, 2006, 1:23pm |
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LocationCalifornia Posts131 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Thanks...OK, I'm gonna take out the cut to and zoom stuff. |
| Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon. |
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Reply: 3 - 15 |
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Jonathan Terry |
Posted: January 15th, 2006, 1:25pm |
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New Co-Founder of The ImagiNation
LocationSpartanburg, SC Posts149 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Also, take out the "We see"'s. I personally don't have a problem with it but I know other people ont his site who refuse to read scripts if that's in there. |
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Reply: 4 - 15 |
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Helio |
Posted: January 15th, 2006, 1:33pm |
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Old Timer Better to die with vodka than with tedium!
Posts1284 Posts Per Day 0.19 |
Could you see Nadine talking about these camera-moving-direction problems? |
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Reply: 5 - 15 |
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I_M |
Posted: January 15th, 2006, 1:34pm |
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LocationCalifornia Posts131 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Yep. OK, changing right away. |
| Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon. |
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Reply: 6 - 15 |
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I_M |
Posted: January 15th, 2006, 1:42pm |
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LocationCalifornia Posts131 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Could you see Nadine talking about these camera-moving-direction problems? |
Lol, yep. |
| Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon. |
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Reply: 7 - 15 |
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I_M |
Posted: January 16th, 2006, 12:53am |
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LocationCalifornia Posts131 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Any other suggestions? |
| Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon. |
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Reply: 8 - 15 |
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I_M |
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 2:21am |
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LocationCalifornia Posts131 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
I've taken out the cut to's and zoom to's and we see's. |
| Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon. |
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Reply: 9 - 15 |
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Gaara |
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 8:38am |
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New I had an itch on my face...so I scratched it
LocationSunderland, England Posts161 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Pretty good script, the formatting seems okay and the story flows well. But why put their exact age. Unless they all introduce themselves as 16 you could just has easily put that they were in their 'mid-teens'. Also at the start you say that
Quoted Text The year is 1990 |
How do we know this? Give a way for the year to appear on screen such as a subtitle or maybe show someone writing in a diary with the year 1990 on it. Something to show what year it is. |
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Reply: 10 - 15 |
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I_M |
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 7:41pm |
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LocationCalifornia Posts131 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Thanks for the feedback. I guess I'll put a subtitle. |
| Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon. |
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Reply: 11 - 15 |
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Antemasque |
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 8:00pm |
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Been Around the ocean floor is hidden from your viewing lens
LocationBaltimore, MD Posts558 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
Jeez. You should see the stuff i write when i space out. Some of it is pretty crazy. Anyway funny little script you got here E.T. I enjoyed it. |
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Reply: 12 - 15 |
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I_M |
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 8:05pm |
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LocationCalifornia Posts131 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Thanks...I'm going to search for one of your scripts and reveiw. I'll be searching...lol.
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| Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon. |
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Reply: 13 - 15 |
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Shelton |
Posted: February 13th, 2006, 4:47pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationChicago Posts3292 Posts Per Day 0.49 |
E.T,
Don't know what to say here, except I can't classify this script.
Is it a comedy? Is it some "Mommie Dearest" type script with the goofy mother? At first I thought it was a comedy, and you were just overusing the "My daughter is a retard" bit, until she jammed a spoon in her mouth. Then I was lost.
In terms of the retard thing. In the classroom, why not make Tammy do something that would really give off that impression instead of drawing a picture of them going to Food 4 Less, how about she's eating paste or gluing her fingers together or something?
There's so much potential funny here that I think was missed. |
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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin |
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Reply: 14 - 15 |
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I_M |
Posted: February 15th, 2006, 1:32am |
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LocationCalifornia Posts131 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Oh...I'm going to try to rewrite the script and make my script more clearer. I think I pushed my script to much with the "My daughter is a retard" thing, so I'm going to fix that. It is a comedy and I guess it is a "Mommie-Dearest" type script, but the mother is to over protective.
Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it. |
| Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon. |
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Reply: 15 - 15 |
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