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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Mister D. Moderators: bert
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  Author    Mister D.  (currently 4502 views)
Don
Posted: September 7th, 2007, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mister D. by Darren Higham - Short - While Mister D. waits for his latest client to show up for his appointment he contemplates his life and work.  6 pages - pdf, format

Mister D's Conundrum by Darren Higham - Short - Mister D. is asked a question that even he doesn't know the answer to. 9 pages - pdf, format

Mister D. Makes a Stand by Darren Higham - Short, Drama - Mister D. does something unexpected. 8 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  April 11th, 2010, 2:23pm
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ABennettWriter
Posted: September 7th, 2007, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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Darren, that was a cute script. Who knew Mr Death could be so witty?

A few punctuation errors, though. A period would be nice after "door" on the first page. An ellipsis could be used on the bottom of page 2, just so the readers know that there's more to the sentence. Another ellipsis is needed on the last page too.

You probably know this, but there isn't a character arc. Nothing changes from the first page to the last. It feels a little flat. Maybe if he felt remorse for it. I know, ten trillion people have died since he started working, but it might be nice if he didn't want to do it. Or were you influenced by Dexter?

I expected a dinosaur joke and was disappointed I didn't get one.

I think you're a good writer and I'll be keeping my eye out for more of your scripts.
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: September 7th, 2007, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren;
I liked this short. The conversation with Mister D seemed very relaxed and natural. Dialogue was nicely broken with
little actions...The biting of the apple, the apple falling to the ground, he sighs...Funny! I also like the fact that it works in real time, following the one minute per page rule. Liked the line of him being late for his becoming late.
Good ending, although the fact that he was a serial killer (assumedly from his collection) wasn't really critical to the story, as anyone else could have been (and will be, I suppose) in the same situation. Nice Job!



Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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James McClung
Posted: September 7th, 2007, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this one a lot. It's a simple premise but I think you pulled it off quite nicely. I enjoyed the casualness and the mockumentary feel about it. Death always makes for good satire. Even though this is definitely an audience conscious piece, I think Mister D. should be talking to someone. Perhaps someone could be interviewing him throughout? That should tie into the mockumentary feel nicely. Also, I'd like to see Mr. Shelton (not you, Mike :p) die in the end. This script is basically all talk and for the most part, it works. But if there's going to be any action, and I think there should be, you might as well stick it in at the end. You can even throw in an extra punchline afterwards. I think it'd make for a good closer.
Just some thoughts.

Anyway, this was definitely an entertaining read. I just think it needs a little more pizazz. Emphasis on a little more. I think this is pretty fun already.


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mcornetto
Posted: September 8th, 2007, 12:46am Report to Moderator
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Cute story Darren.

I know this is your first short and you did a very good job with it. I hope you do more.

A couple of suggestions.  

Cut down on the set descriptions.  You don't really need to tell us anything about the set unless it is important to the story.

Avoid mentioning the camera. It didn't really bother me in the context you used it but it really bothers lots of other people.

I liked the banter of Mr D but I didn't really get the impression that a mythic semi-godlike being was addressing me until the end.  If you can bring some of the menacing tone from the end to the begining.

Well done.
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Gaara
Posted: September 8th, 2007, 5:06am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reads and I am glad that you basically enjoyed it despite its flaws.

Well I am happy to reveal that I have just submitted a new version of Mister D. in which there is an interviewer asking questions and we get to see the death of Mister Shelton.

Oh and as for Mister Shelton being a serial killer...good bit of spotting. Tho I can reveal that the next client of Mister D. will not be.

(^ very subtle hint to a sequel   ^)


check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.
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tomson
Posted: September 8th, 2007, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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Darren,

I liked this short of yours. Quite a bit even.

I know your a Brit as soon as I read the washing machine in the kitchen! Haha.

I found myself chuckling through this script. Not LOL, but I had a smile on my face throughout reading it. It was like a mockumentary, nice and relaxed. Never felt like you were trying to be funny. It just was anyway. Loved the apple part!

I like how he has to sit around and wait for people to show up for their deaths.

I liked how it ended too with Mr. Shelton dying because he sees Mr. D.

Good Job!!

Pia
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Gaara
Posted: September 8th, 2007, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Pia. I guess we are even now.

You are right about the fact that I was never trying to be deliberately funny. I merely wrote the kind of things I thought death would rant about (in a relaxed style) if he was actually asked what he felt.


check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.
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Gaara
Posted: September 8th, 2007, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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revised draft is up


check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.
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ABennettWriter
Posted: September 8th, 2007, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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I like it better, but there are a few errors.

I got tired of noting every mistake. I see a lot of small errors, like missing commas and such.
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Gaara
Posted: September 9th, 2007, 7:40am Report to Moderator
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Yeah I have fixed those little things Abs, thanks for telling me about them

But before I resubmit it, is there anything else, story wise, that people think I should add, change or omit altogether?


check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.
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ReaperCreeper
Posted: September 9th, 2007, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren. This was a pretty light-hearted short. I never stopped smiling as I read it. The only thing I didn't like was the ending. I didn't feel like it closed the book appropiately. Maybe a bit more emphasis on the Reaper's words would be nice.

Work a little bit on your punctuation. I could see a few missing periods. But it was nothing big, really. The script was good for the most part.

I thought of Final Destination when the Reaper mentioned sometimes people came late to their deaths. It was pretty funny.

I really enjoyed this. There really wasn't a conflict, a character change, or anything, but it stands on its own two feet without any of that stuff anyway, and that takes talent. Pretty decent.

---Julio


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Gaara
Posted: September 9th, 2007, 9:47pm Report to Moderator
Purple


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Fortunate then that the book is not closed...it is merely the end of the first chapter.

Funny others complained about the lack of conflict or character change.  Well part 2 does have a bit of that in, which you can all see just as soon as Don puts it up.

Oh and i will be resubmitting this one with the punctuation fixed just as soon as I'm sure that no more changes are needed to the story. I would prefer to do it all at once instead of resubmitting new versions every two seconds.


check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.
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sniper
Posted: September 10th, 2007, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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Haha - nice one, Darren.

Forget about Joe Black, Mister D's da man! I loved the casual way he refers to his job, like he's just some average Joe with an average job. I think you build the story just right, you didn't reveal too much from the start and I liked that.

I loved that there are "Rules" to dying. Brilliant.

I thought the writing was tight and and to the point. There were a couple of wrong punctuations (should have been commas), but it's nothing a read through won't spot. Also, you might want to keep the words active. instead of writing: Mister D. is sat on the edge of the bed, you should write Mister D sits on the edge of the bed. Stuff like that.

Is Mister Shelton in any way related to Mike?

I liked how it ended, that Mister D was the actual cause of Shelton's death, but thinking about it, doesn't that kinda go against the rules? I mean if Mister D hadn't shown up, Shelton wouldn't have died of a heart attack (presumably).

Anyways, this was a good, short and fast read.

Keep it up.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Gaara
Posted: September 10th, 2007, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read. I named the character Mr Shelton as a thank you to Mike for the help he gave me with this script in the chat room.

Oh and Mister D. being the cause of death is not against the rules as Mr. Shelton was supposed to die that way...it said so in Mr D's black book.


check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.
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