Hey Bert,

I just finished reading this and also SALVAGE last night, and here is my review.

*SPOILERS*

First of all I'd like to say that I share a similarity with this boy. I hate going shopping with my parents - because they are somewhere, and if I look away for one second, by the time I look back - they're already at the other end of the store! And then I recieve the 'silent tense car' ride home.

Anyway, this script was very fun indeed. I enjoyed it - it was sort of a ultra dark comedy, and it works really well in this instance.

The characters are well planned through, and have their own personalitys to them. Even though the little boy doesn't say much, his personality still shines through his character.

All the characters are nicely written. The characters are all different! And when this boy gets lost - I know how he feels - which in my opinion is superb!

The storyline and plot are tense, and well-written. The dialouge is fantastic, but there was just one line that I didn't like. That line was one announced by the Mother at the end "...now I’m gonna have to kill ya’!" It just didn't seem right. I like the sight of her face though.

Anyway, this was great. Everything fits in where it should be. This screenplay is-- in a very good way, absolutely crazy. It was fun.

Now, onto my review of Salvage! Good job with this.

Curse!

Hey, thanks for checking this one out, Curse (and Salvage, too -- I'll just thank you here for both).

Nice to have you back.

And don't feel bad about not liking the very end.  Nobody seems to like the way this ends  

I was so pleased with the end when I wrote it -- I thought it was great -- open to several different interpretations -- but the overwhelming consensus seems to be that a change is in order.

And the reader comments on this one have given me tons to work with -- almost too much, frankly -- it will be a real challenge deciding what to do...  

I've been meaning to review this one for a while.

FORMAT
No problems.

STORY
Original. Taking an old premise (paranoia) and putting it in a new place. All the characters had a distinct voice, and everything I could see in my head.

WRITING
You didn't describe the actual All MArt too much, so I could put it into anythiong - I imagined it as the local supermarket, haha. that's a good thing. You described the "horror" scenes very well. The person hiding in the clothes rack seemed very creepy, and so was the sticker part.

OVERALL
Like I said, original. I liked it. That said, it probably wouldn't work as a feature, but i don't think it was ever intended.

7.5/10

Thanks for digging this one up, Ben -- and for your comments.

The store doesn't need much description, as (most) everybody should know exactly what I am talking about -- and exactly what it looks like.

You are in Austrailia, right?  If Wal-Mart isn't there yet, they will be soon -- so look out!!

You are right that this idea would probably not support a feature -- this was intended to be something that could be shot on the cheap, at a single location.

Thanks again for the look.

Hey,

One twisted, wild eyed few for a child.  

I'm not even going to talk about format. (Which was great.)  Your story made me wonder if the kid was using his imagination. But towards the end I don't think he was.  While he was hiding in the clothes rack, It seemed like the movie it. But when they looked in there was nothing but the spiderman doll.

Weird... Was he using his imagination? or was it real?

Talk to you soon,

Dan

your a sick man Bert.... but this was great. not much to say that hasnt been said... Stephen King meets The Twilight Zone.

5/5

Quoted from Daniel_Robinson Was he using his imagination? or was it real?

Well, hello Dan.  Thanks for taking a look.  As to your question, I wanted this to be the type of story where you could read either of those options into it.

But if pressed -- I think I would have to say the child is insane -- and his life is one terrifying episode after another.  That's my favorite scenario anyway, with the highest creep factor, you know?

Thanks to you, too, S.J.  I make no bones about King's influence -- I grew up on that stuff.  Cheers, guys!

Hey Bert, another one of your abnormal, disturbing, and spotless supernatural scripts that I loved. There's not much to say, because there's nothing wrong with it. The ending is great, leaving the reader a POV on if it was his imagination, or if it was reality.

Formatting doesn't need any criticism, because it's top notch.

A good story, but it was very simplistic. Which is much different than most of your other scripts.

I enjoyed it, and I'm no surprised this thread is on fire, just like all of your other scripts.



-James

A very good script Bert. Well written with a child's eyes. I could perfectly figure out Calvin from "Calvin and Hobbes" comics book, especially at the end in the car with his mum. I don't think we have to dig deep to see some weird explanation. As the others kids, Gerald has a lot of imagination.

I really enjoyed it. Thank you for that excellent piece.


Michel

Thanks Michel (and James -- sorry -- I missed you looking before).  Nice to know that not everybody has a problem with the ending to this one.

And I could very easily see Calvin running through this store (and story) Michel -- that's pretty funny.

But couldn't it just as easily have been Titeuf?  (Did I spell that right?)

The difference between Calvin and Titeuf (you did spell well) must be the age. As Calvin lives in his own world of fantasy, Titeuf has every earthly problem of his age (13 I think) and one of his only goal is to get married with his "girlfriend" later (if someday she wants him) (LOL)

PS: by the way, just let you know I'll be missing for the next three weeks --> holidays

Hey Bert, I had to take a look at this. I love anything weird and weirder and... well, I wasn't disappointed reading this. I learn a lot from these sort of scripts. The way you've described certain things like the lights that sting the eye and the store having it's own horizon is brilliant. There were a few words I didn't understand in the descriptions I must admit. I need to work on my vocabulary a little. Still, very freaky and as others say it has a Stephen King and Twilight Zone-y feel to it, which is great.

So thanks for writing this I guess, I did learn a few things from it that'll help my writing a great deal. A very good read indeed.

GBM

This one had a combination Steven Spielberg and Mad Magazine feel.

I've always liked the scary toys and scary objects idea. You crafted it well, and pulled a surprise that Mom didn't save the day, for sure.

I'd say the short says it all with no need to expand the story. Unless the boy has some kind of mental condition or possession problem to be explored.

Nicely done.

Hey Monette.  I don't know where you get Mad Magazine from, but I'll just assume you had a unique vision going on in your head as you read this.  Glad you liked it, and thank you for your thoughts.

And yes, my personal take on the story is that the kid has problems.  Serious problems.

Interesting that you should bump this now.  Someone from the boards has told me he is going to grab his camera and give this one a go.  I just told 'em they could go for it like, a day or two ago.

We'll be sure to put it up should they succeed.

Bert, I thought this was.... strange....creepy and really good, how he heard the voices and everyone was talking to him in an oddly way, good job, but it was a little too short. but who cares,I liked it