I'm planning on expanding this over time. I took the suggestions and switch some things around.

The revised draft is now up.

gone (gun?)

would of (would have?)

no one like (likes?)

I'm a little confused Sophia doesn't know who John is when Paul mentions it, but states a bit later she knew John.

you loose (lose?)


There's a moment in the hallway where Paul asks for Sophia's name.  I would suggest striking it. I don't think he'd be interested in getting to know people if he's about to commit this horrible act.

I liked it, it gave the goosebumps with what happened with Columbine.  It made me think, well done.

A suggestion, what if when we open on Paul for the first time he's giving the eulogy for John's funeral and saying the same things, about all those ugly terms just dicks being dicks.  I might add some depth to the moment.

I've read the reviews and agree that the police should mistake Sophia as the shooter at first, but I'd have the police shoot Sophia and either injure her badly and maybe even kill her.  With the recent deadly violence in high schools I would think that the police would take forceful action when they walk into the library.

I agree with the ending. The new ending is something a tad more abrupt.
I guess he's making small talk to ease his tension and she strikes him, he a blatant sense as a teenager he's falling for her.
Albeit it's useless crush.

I'm fixing up the dialogue and trying to tighten the story by the end of next week.

I agree with Phil, my style often comes from my desire in writing shorts not to sacrifice detail.

I do intend to have this expanded into a feature length script. Which will take me some time and for the most part it may take an upward of three years before a rough draft is completed. I intend to keep people updated with each draft so it's not like this is the only thing that'll be posted until the feature is.

I'm agree with Chris, the ending is a tad predictable. I mean yes, this is a tragic drama, but in later drafts maybe he doesn't shoot more then one person. I mean I want to keep the Russian Roulette scene. For me it stands as a high moment of emotional tension.

However, I think him randomly opening fire the first few minutes seems unbeleivable. Well he's unbalanced he still is just a teen. Someone who feels betrayed, lost and unsure. And well he's resorting to violence, I think he'd hesitate.

Throughout the script it'll be a lot of taunt hold ups. I want to keep the interraction between the outside world stark. Perhaps going so far to keep the script soley in the library after he takes them hostage.

Given that this is my first drama I'm pleased to see people have responded well, albeit it does need a lot of work. My main concern is to tell a compelling story and attempt to avoid the cliches that have become a stigma of the "angry teenager" genre.

Truth is I wrote this as my creative response to films like "Elephant" and "Thirteen" both of which I felt offered potential for good drama then too often fell drastically short. I wanted to see if I could write a better screenplay.


*Possible New Ending Spoiler*


I think it'd be better if in a sense he did find redemption yet still end on a tragic downbeat note.  In that Paul finds redemption within himself. But not before having done the russian roulette game. So we have Paul, this scared kid. Knowing that his life has just ended. Knowing that either he'll die or that he'll spend his life in jail.
And keeping with the mixup - perhaps Sophia tries to stop him and the police burst in and mistake her.