Enganches Feet by Ben - Short, Horror - Jovita is young girl, out at the annual halloween fair in Spain, 1975. SHe departs from her firends and meets a man, about her age, and very handsome. She begins to like him, and dances with him at the Costume dance for that fair. But this man isn't all he seems.... 8 pages - rtf, format

SPOILERS!

Hey, this is an interesting story you have here. Nevertheless, it went quickly by. Try extending some scenes such as the dialgoue between Jovita and the mysterious man. I think you should also give the man's name since everyone else did. Also, I feel that you could delete a few scenes out since they are plainly used as establishing shots(those are wide screen shots in movies that shows a whole town or city). For instance,  

EXT. COSTUME DANCE HALL

The hall is decorated with a bannar: BE HERE OR BE SCARED. Cardboard bats are stuck to the door, and fake spider hang from the bannar.

The extra space will help you in adding more depth to the characters and story. I hope this helps.

Gabriel

Nice!

* SPOILERS *

* I spotted a few typos in your short.  Mostly easy stuff like "hsi" instead of "his."
* I agree with TWCB, it did seem to speed along pretty quick, almost like you were in a hurry to get to the big reveal at the end.
* The ending...I dunno.  How did she know that what she saw wasn't part of a costume?  Maybe if he did something else creepy as well?

Overall a fun little short!    

This was inspired by an urban legend, look it up on Snopes.

Thanks for the reviews. Anything you'd like me to review Darthbrion?  

SPOILERS!!! YARGH!

Quoted Text I think you should also give the man's name since everyone else did.

According to the urban legend, the man is the devil. Giving him a name is personalizing the devil.

I understand that the relationship between him and Jovita develops too quickly, I'm not to good with stuff like that. That's why I cut to them leaving the restaurant, laughnig, suggesting that they "bonded", instead of having a long, akward scene showing it.

I think I remember that urban legend.  Here in Oklahoma it's called the "Deer Lady" or something to that effect.  

I have a short on here called "Refuge" you can read it if you get bored or something.  

  

I rather thought about a satyr than the Devil himself. You could him a name (try to find him a joke name as Louis Cyphre in "Angel Heart")

As everyone said you're going too fast. Develop our relationship. Why did he chose Jovita? What does he want from her ?

Michel

Start with errors

Walking towards

Turnstile . (period)

JOVITA
You guys are lucky.

which also works as a bar. Show don’t, tell

her is A Man, Capitalize MAN

ther’es. There’s

The Man wlaks up to the costume, WALKS

he turns around. HE

He ahs fake devil. HAS

, mainly children, wlak around. WALK

dnace to the music. DANCE


ANNOUNCER
(O.C)
All couples to the dance floor.
Should be

                         ANOUNCER (O.S.)

Horatio steppnig on Tammy’s foot alot. STEPPING

who is grimacing, and runs, her mouth open in a long yelp, and”  This is unclear to me.

The MAn, who is now leaving the dnace. Man, dance

CUT TO BLACK. Should be FADE OUT.

Story**

It was going good til, Jovita just goes off with a stranger, to dance. really unbelievable to me. When you create a world, it must be understood, once a reader questions it..you turn them off. Thing. I know you wa trying to hide the name, but honestly. It falls flat, because who introduces people to friends WITHOUT saying who you are?

You could call him Lou or something. I can't buy her friends not asking who he was either. Once You fix these issues, story will flow better. Dialog was good. I like the concept/basic plot of your short. keep writing!

I just realised how similar this script was to Wendigo, but anyway...

A big problem that I see with most of the shorts I read is that the writer takes a feature length story and condenses it down into a short.  This is one of them.

I felt rushed in reading this.  Details were sparing and you jumped from one scene to another.  I could see this as a much longer tale.  Develop the story and the characters a little better.  You'll have a much more enjoyable tale this way.


Phil

That's a great point Phil, I've seen it here and in many other places, people have grand ideas for stories but are too lazy to flesh them out into full length scripts or novels/novellas (not saying this writer here is lazy, but others can be).

A good short should be about something in the moment.