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The Payphone Chronicles (currently 1805 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 7:53am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16449 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
The Payphone Chronicles by Andrew Roby - Short, Comedy - Jack is not a man you wanna talk to on the phone. 3 pages - doc, format |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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dogglebe |
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 8:12am |
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Andrew, I got the impression that you wrote this just to shock us. That's the only thing I could say about this.
Phil |
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Reply: 1 - 19 |
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Antemasque |
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 8:31am |
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Been Around the ocean floor is hidden from your viewing lens
LocationBaltimore, MD Posts558 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
Actually, it was only meant to get a laugh at the end. Sorry if it did not make you laugh. |
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Reply: 2 - 19 |
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Shelton |
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 9:54am |
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Of The Ancients
LocationChicago Posts3292 Posts Per Day 0.48 |
Andrew,
As I was reading this I kept thinking of another movie, "Just One Of The Guys" to be exact, when her brother answers the phone and says...
COULD BE A SPOILER I SUPPOSE
"Hey yo, scumbag" "Yeah, suck your own" "Same to you buttface".
He hangs up the phone, looks at his sister, and says "Mom says hi", as he walks out of the room.
END POSSIBLE SPOILER
This was kind of the feeling I got from this, although amplified a little more on the dirty side. |
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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin |
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Reply: 3 - 19 |
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George Willson |
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 11:36am |
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Of The Ancients Doctor who? Yes, quite right.
LocationBroken Arrow Posts3591 Posts Per Day 0.51 |
Hm, that was weird. I'll give you that the end was a bit of a punchline, and I did chuckle. But dude, you kiss your momma with that mouth?
You call this a "chronicles." Does this mean we get graced with more tales of that payphone in the future? Might be amusing, actually. |
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Reply: 4 - 19 |
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alvarado-films |
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 3:57pm |
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All I can say is LOL.
Bravo.
Not everyones taste but I love it.
Totally unexpected.
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Reply: 5 - 19 |
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Mr.Z |
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 4:25pm |
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Been Around
LocationBuenos Aires - Argentina Posts743 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
Hahaha, it felt more than the dirty kind of joke I usually hear from my friends than a comedy short, but yeah I admit I chuckled during some bits. |
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Reply: 6 - 19 |
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Abe from LA |
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 5:25pm |
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Been Around
LocationDowney, California Posts556 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
Pretty potent stuff, Andrew. I think I met that guy, Jack Meoff, right?
* SPOILER *
I didn't see mom coming at the end. Haha. I didn't see her come at all. I wasn't one of the 7. I had to laugh.
*End of Spoiler*
I think you could have done more with the kid. Maybe he's trying to get into the phone booth to retrieve his skateboard or something.
Man, I've got a warped sense of humor. |
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Reply: 7 - 19 |
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thegardenstate89 |
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 6:10pm |
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It was almost a drag having to read through all of the stuff Jack was saying. But that punch at the end made it worthwhile. Now I hope you don't talk to your elders that way.... |
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Reply: 8 - 19 |
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Antemasque |
Posted: April 27th, 2006, 3:14pm |
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Been Around the ocean floor is hidden from your viewing lens
LocationBaltimore, MD Posts558 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
Haha. I'm glad you all liked this little number. |
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Reply: 9 - 19 |
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TheUsualSuspect |
Posted: April 28th, 2006, 1:01am |
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LocationCanada Posts351 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
I did have a small smile at the end of this one. Good job...I guess, |
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Reply: 10 - 19 |
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The boy who could fly |
Posted: April 28th, 2006, 1:05am |
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Old Timer
LocationBritish Columbia, Canada Posts1387 Posts Per Day 0.21 |
I thought I was the only one who talked to their mother like that |
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Reply: 11 - 19 |
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leanordjenkis |
Posted: April 28th, 2006, 1:28am |
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New
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Um...YIKES is probably the word. If it was an exercise then you performed admirably. If this was a serious attempt at anything with substance then you failed horribly. I'm hoping it was the first.
What can I say? Good job? I don't know how to critique this. The punchline didn't get me because I figured he was talking to his mother.
The cursing, well, I can tell you do it well. If you can only hide it a little bit more that it may not be his mother then I guess you can kill it a winner.
Actually, it would be better if it was his grandmother. No one, I mean, NO ONE would talk to their grandmother like that so that would be even funnier. |
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Reply: 12 - 19 |
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The boy who could fly |
Posted: April 28th, 2006, 1:34am |
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Old Timer
LocationBritish Columbia, Canada Posts1387 Posts Per Day 0.21 |
Actually, it would be better if it was his grandmother. No one, I mean, NO ONE would talk to their grandmother like that .
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um, I do |
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Reply: 13 - 19 |
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Breanne Mattson |
Posted: April 28th, 2006, 8:13am |
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Old Timer
Posts1347 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
The language is just preposterous. This is a tired old joke (as Mike pointed out) and it was only ever mildly amusing at best. The language is a very transparent attempt to go to an extreme to put a new spin on this very tired and worn cliché of a joke.
It didn’t make sense to me that a child would run away crying just because some punk had a foul mouth. The guy wasn’t shocking. He was just pathetic.
Sorry. I wish I could be more positive but this is pointless.
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Reply: 14 - 19 |
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spencerforhire |
Posted: April 28th, 2006, 9:46am |
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New Write NOW! Perfect LATER!
LocationSnohomish, WA Posts206 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Andrew
I too was appalled all the way to the end... then I found myself laughing my ass off. Good job. Writing with a raw emotion can be abrasive and get people talking.. then who knows it may propel you to new hights, like maybe the top of your phone booth.
I am looking forward to more chronicles. Maybe one where he is talking to the suidice prevention line... then he suddenly gets some chewing gum in his mouth that was stuck to the reciever. Yuck! In the end he kills himself because of one last straw (the gum) that spun him out. He smashed the phone handle over his head until he crushes his skull and lays bleeding to death at the bottom of the phone booth. Have the kid see this and scream.
Spencer |
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Reply: 15 - 19 |
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MacDuff |
Posted: April 28th, 2006, 12:21pm |
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Been Around I should be writing...
LocationBeautiful BC Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.10 |
I'm afraid I have to go with Breanne here. It's like a running gag, but unfortunately I knew what was going on before after the initial hello. It's an old joke.
Sorry! |
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Reply: 16 - 19 |
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Chris_MacGuffin |
Posted: April 30th, 2006, 7:05pm |
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Been Around Check out The Last Days Of The Desert Dogs
LocationWherever I may be Posts998 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
Haha this reminds me of a script I wrote called "The End" the premise was it was the end of the world and it was a couple who were spending their last few moments again.
The entire script was written as a drama, and it ended with the two embraced and the boyfriend leans in and says "I missed your sister." I wrote it for a creative writing course.
This was alright, kind of dragged out, but I got a kick out of it. |
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James McClung |
Posted: April 30th, 2006, 9:33pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationWashington, D.C. Posts3293 Posts Per Day 0.48 |
I'm not a big fan of these shorter scripts that have been popping up lately. They aren't stories, just situations and this one is no exception. I think this would fit better on eBaumsworld than it does here because it's really rather pointless. |
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
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Reply: 18 - 19 |
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: April 30th, 2006, 9:53pm |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
O...Oh wow...Andrew...
*dials psychiatrist number*
Just kidding, but wow, I did get a laught at the end, but seriously, you did get me. The first time I thought he was talking to his friend who was a guy, and then I thought it was his girlfriend, and then, I finally knew who he was talking too and that was the end of the film.
Bra...Bravo, Andrew
Sean |
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