Thanks Rapture. Just to clear things up, the short also goes against my beliefs. I believe in God and that he created everything, but I wrote this just because it's a story. No one should take offense to it, in any kind of way.

Not saying that you did, it's just a reminder for anyone who is offended.

Ok... so my review comes a little bit late... jeje Well What can I say... I totally loved the ending... I find that it has the right amount of vagueness and it is completely amazing. I'm something of a religious person and I think that this point of view that you present by saying that the Divil himself created God is mindblowing... I mean who knows right? And that ending... was just magnificent, and leaving aside the grammar or spelling mistakes, the escense of your short story is just wonderful. The thing with the red apple and the little boy gave your short just what it needed.. actual evidence and facts... I had a a great time reading it

It's a nice little short you've got here. A clever concept filled with good visual methapors.

Nothing important to pick you on. The only detail I think could be improved is this little bit at the beginning:

'It's summer, there's a slight breeze'

As Greg already mentioned, the camera can't record it's summer. And if you really want to keep the slight breeze, do it visually (i.e. tree leaves moving).

I really enjoyed this one, good job.

Wow, more positive feed back then I thought, thanks for reading it guys and thanks for the comments.

I really enjoyed this short, I thought it was excellent.

Not been religious myself, i still found it powerful.  My only small opinion is that i prefer stories that lead the reader/viewer to make their own conclusions.  By this i mean you divulge the homeless man's and business man's true identity, when i would just suggest who the two men are.

This is completely my own opinion and don't want to distract from the fact that this is one of the best shorts i've read here.

Good work.

My original intention was to have the reader believe that the homeless man was the devil the whole time until the ending, which would reveal him to be God.

It was hard to convey that in a believable way, so I scratched it and made it clear who was who.

Great short!  I wish it was a little longer though.  A few typos but who am to talk abou it?  

Nice metaphor for the evil, God and Earth?  

I enjoyed reading it reading a clever script.

Michel

I like this film. A lot. Like to see it come to real life.

Well since this was bumped up I thought I'd take a look. I hope you're still around.

This script is probably the most original short I've ever read. Very entertaining read. I loved all the metaphors too, and I liked the two characters, God and the Devil (right?).  

On the downside, it was way too short, even for a, well, short. Try extending it to at least ten or fifteen pages. And even with its 4 page length, I think this little piece of work wouldn't even fill up 2 minutes of screen time. Your descritpions are overly long and you should definitely shorten them. Try and make them more compact.

I also noticed several instances where you wrote things like "Kids are playing" instead of "kids play". From what I've heard this is a big no no,  you should write everything actively.

Don't let that get you down though. You have some great stuff on your hands and you should be very proud of yourself, man. I've still not managed to come up with something as good as this. Good Job


--Julio



  

Thanks for the comments. I'm thinking of dusting off the old notebook and writing a bit more to the story, like you said, making it ten or more pages.