The Bench by Matt Layden (TheUsualSuspect) - Short - A man in white and a homeless man meet on a bench in the park. The have a conversation that could change the fate of humanity. 4 pages - html, format

This was a nice short, i found it quite intriquing.

I would have liked for the Homeless man(the devil, right?) to elaborate more on how he was the one who supossedly created the world(for me it was an intriquing concept).

Overall, good job

*MINOR SPOILERS*

I have to agree with Bates.

This script was highly intriquing, but it does share a good point. I found it (forgive me if I'm wrong) a contract for the differences and similarities that God and (sorry for anyone with religion beliefs), The Devil.

The most intresting part, for me anyway, was how the word "Devil" was also the word for "God" in latin. But, also, the homeless man should have told us more on how he supposedly created the world.

A spotted a few minor errors, just spelling mistakes really.

Anyway, it was a nice, short read. I also learned something new - which is great. =]

Curse!

Thanks for the advice guys and thanks for reading.

Yeah this short was, again, intriquing. It was really short though. Maybe you should expand it with what Curse and Bates agreed on (and I agree on too). Elaborating on the "how he was the one who supossedly created the world" discussion. Really cool though.

I too found it intriquing to think that the homeless man(the devil) created the world.

I too, however, agree with Bates and curse. You could have elaborated more on how he created the world but it was still a good short.

I loved this short, however I see potential for an entire film. I love the metaphorical "man in white" and "homeless man." It is very clever. It needs to be more than a short though, it needs to be a story. I love it and I hope you make more of a story for it. Very good though.

I never proof read my shorts....it's my flaw.

Since my computer is fully functioning on the net again I decided to read something short to get back into the flow of things.

SPOILERS AND STUFF

Echoing everyone else, this was a pretty interesting idea and I liked the metaphor of the homeless man being Satan and the man in white being God.

Your opening descriptions can use some work.  You open with three paragraphs with at least 4 lines each when they can all be chizzled down.  The opening paragraph you start with "It's summer" etc etc.  You can't exactly convert that to film where people know it's summer.  You can just say "It's a nice day, kids playing" etc etc.

And honestly I didn't understand the ending with the apple.  Is this supposed to a reference to Snow White(I think) or something?  Like, evil offers the apple to good...kind of going with the metaphor...I dunno.

And you should proofread your stuff in the future if you want people to take you seriously...just FYI.  But nicely written!

The traditional interpretation of the story of Adam and Eve is that they disobeyed God by eating the forbidden apple, which is the origin of Original Sin.

Great short!  I do wish it was a little longer though.  A few typos but nothing major.  I gotta ask, the blue ball - is that a metaphor for earth?  Meh I dunno lol  

I just know that I enjoyed reading it.

Brion

Nice catch there brion...  

This was a well written script that you have here, dude. There were only a few spelling errors here and there, but other than that I found it a nice short read that was entertaining!!! Keep up the good work.

Sorry that I don't have such a large review, but there isn't much wrong with it to give it criticism.

Yeah, I agree with James, there isn't much to say since everyone else has mentioned it, but I will just say that it was an interesting short and I liked the ending.

Sean

I just read this is, like Sean said, an interesting short. Nothing THAT great, and it's very short. But it's length is perfect for the story.

Not much I can say. It goes against my beliefs, that's for sure, but I won't bring those into this.

And when the devil says that he's already made $10 bucks, that was awesome! At Wal-mart here in my town, there was three homeless people scattered out through the parking lot with signs saying that they had no money. When we drove around one of them, the woman had a nice radio and was talking to other people with it. lol. Homeless people probably make more money than some police officers do. lol.

-Chris

-Chris

Thanks Rapture. Just to clear things up, the short also goes against my beliefs. I believe in God and that he created everything, but I wrote this just because it's a story. No one should take offense to it, in any kind of way.

Not saying that you did, it's just a reminder for anyone who is offended.

Ok... so my review comes a little bit late... jeje Well What can I say... I totally loved the ending... I find that it has the right amount of vagueness and it is completely amazing. I'm something of a religious person and I think that this point of view that you present by saying that the Divil himself created God is mindblowing... I mean who knows right? And that ending... was just magnificent, and leaving aside the grammar or spelling mistakes, the escense of your short story is just wonderful. The thing with the red apple and the little boy gave your short just what it needed.. actual evidence and facts... I had a a great time reading it

It's a nice little short you've got here. A clever concept filled with good visual methapors.

Nothing important to pick you on. The only detail I think could be improved is this little bit at the beginning:

'It's summer, there's a slight breeze'

As Greg already mentioned, the camera can't record it's summer. And if you really want to keep the slight breeze, do it visually (i.e. tree leaves moving).

I really enjoyed this one, good job.

Wow, more positive feed back then I thought, thanks for reading it guys and thanks for the comments.

I really enjoyed this short, I thought it was excellent.

Not been religious myself, i still found it powerful.  My only small opinion is that i prefer stories that lead the reader/viewer to make their own conclusions.  By this i mean you divulge the homeless man's and business man's true identity, when i would just suggest who the two men are.

This is completely my own opinion and don't want to distract from the fact that this is one of the best shorts i've read here.

Good work.

My original intention was to have the reader believe that the homeless man was the devil the whole time until the ending, which would reveal him to be God.

It was hard to convey that in a believable way, so I scratched it and made it clear who was who.

Great short!  I wish it was a little longer though.  A few typos but who am to talk abou it?  

Nice metaphor for the evil, God and Earth?  

I enjoyed reading it reading a clever script.

Michel

I like this film. A lot. Like to see it come to real life.

Well since this was bumped up I thought I'd take a look. I hope you're still around.

This script is probably the most original short I've ever read. Very entertaining read. I loved all the metaphors too, and I liked the two characters, God and the Devil (right?).  

On the downside, it was way too short, even for a, well, short. Try extending it to at least ten or fifteen pages. And even with its 4 page length, I think this little piece of work wouldn't even fill up 2 minutes of screen time. Your descritpions are overly long and you should definitely shorten them. Try and make them more compact.

I also noticed several instances where you wrote things like "Kids are playing" instead of "kids play". From what I've heard this is a big no no,  you should write everything actively.

Don't let that get you down though. You have some great stuff on your hands and you should be very proud of yourself, man. I've still not managed to come up with something as good as this. Good Job


--Julio



  

Thanks for the comments. I'm thinking of dusting off the old notebook and writing a bit more to the story, like you said, making it ten or more pages.