Hey Mike, just finished with this one. I’ll be honest and tell you right away that what kept me reading till the last page, were your characters, not your story.

*SPOILERS*

Good dialogue, as usual, delivered by characters that had a funny/tense relation between them spiced with a little of dark humour. These bunch were quite interesting to look at for most of the 20 pages. Teddy’s scene with the security guard was specially good, clearly my favourite.

The plot didn’t interested me that much and I think your logline (while interesting) was kind of misleading. I don’t recall watching a movie about kidnapping someone who was already kidnapped, so the logline came up as something quite fresh to my eyes. It kept me wondering about many dramatic possibilities. Will the new kidnappers ask a ransom to the original kidnappers? Or to the victim’s parents? How will the original kidnappers deal with the fact that their victim was kidnapped? Would they pay the ransom to the new kidnappers in order to ask for a higher one to the victim’s parents?

But your characters were not planning a kidnapping actually, since they were working for the mayor. I understood that their job was more like a rescue mission than a kidnap. Did I get this right? Was the mayor paying them to retrieve his son? Sorry if I got this wrong, but I didn’t felt they were about to kidnap the mayor’s son.

The rescue storyline was ok to get your characters moving, but far less intriguing that the concept implied in the logline.

The werewolf thing was unexpected, didn’t see it coming. But a werewolf isn’t something shocking anymore (at least for me). Like zombies, or vampires, I think that werewolves could add value to a script if the author finds the way to make them part of a fresh twist to the story. You hint an interesting aspect: What if you kidnap a guy who turns up to be a werewolf?

But this angle (or any original one) isn’t developed. In this particular script, the werewolf just chews up some guys, and then chews up some more who (silly of them) captured him without taking any security measures, except for some duct tape.

I think this plot has some potential buried in there. Some interesting angles are hinted, but sadly the storyline ends up ignoring them and heads to a monster-eats-everyone ending, which I believe is below the average quality you showed in other scripts I read from you.

Format and writing style were quite good. My only problem was in the first page of your script.

You’ve got 21 lines of description with no action. Static description. We get to see what do your characters look like, and where they are, but not what they’re doing. The first part of this script doesn’t create moving images in my mind, just a static picture. The mental movie that your words project on my mind starts while being “paused” and it remains that way for about twenty lines till Isaac starts speaking.

No matter how well you describe things, the reader could never pick things on the page as fast as the audience do at the theatre. But you got to do your best to keep things moving in the reader’s mind. If you use Final Draft, you’ll notice that the element to describe things it’s not called “description”, it’s called “action”.

Some suggestions for your first scene:

-Avoid redundancies. If your first slugline is “INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE – DAY” it’s clear that all the descriptions below it will apply to said warehouse. There’s no need to begin the scene with “The warehouse is dimly lit with the exception of a few fluorescent lights overhead.”

For a shorter description, you could write: “Dimly lit except for a few fluorescent lights overhead”. We know you’re talking about the warehouse.  This is quite nitpicky, I know, but I believe these little things contribute to a faster and better read.

-Do you really need Haig in this story? Seems he has a less relevant part to play here than the others. If you cut him out, the story won’t fall apart, and the reader will find easier to remember the others (notice you’re introducing four characters at a time). You’ll save some description, and get earlier to the action. Oh, and less characters mean smaller budget, which will matter if you try to shop this one around.

-If you keep Haig, by telling us he’s dressed business casual we get a clear picture of him. Let the costume designer worry about his polo shirt and khaki pants. Furthermore, it’s very likely he’ll choose Haig’s exact clothes without following what the script says about his job.

-“His style of dress is similar to Isaac’s.” could be reduced to “dressed in a suit” for a shorter description.

-Try to mix action with description. You could describe Isaac, tell us what he’s saying to the men in front of him and save their description for later. For example, you could describe Renton once he stands up to talk.

P.5 Did Isaac mean “He comes with (us)”?

No more suggestions to add. Hope this helps.

Z,

Thanks a lot for the feedback.

I can see your beef with the logline, it's definitely a bit misleading, but I was afraid if I REALLY put on there what the script was about, it would spoil the twist.  Just sacrificing one thing for another, although I may have come up with a different story to write in terms of kidnapping the kidnapped....haha.

Also, I appreciate you taking the time to give me some feedback on descriptions/action.  I'm still working on making these more concise, and any input is much appreciated.

On pg. 5 - Technically it does me, he comes with us, but in speaking terms just saying "he comes with" would be acceptable.

Thanks again.

Quoted from Shelton On pg. 5 - Technically it does me, he comes with us, but in speaking terms just saying "he comes with" would be acceptable.

Oops, sorry about that one Mike. Should think twice before commenting on these particular things (I guess you know by now that I'm not a native english speaker).

I'm glad I helped

Mike,

I printed this one out yesterday as part of my weekend reading. It was a nice quick little short.

I really liked the premise of kidnapping someone who’s already kidnapped, but like Mr. Z said, it’s more of a rescue mission.

Your dialogue to me is always great and so easy to follow. Seldom, if ever does it slow down the reading. Personally I liked all the talking in the beginning and the bickering and banter between the characters.

“I’m here for the Van Halen concert.”  That was funny!

I’m not big on monsters, any type of monster (except the human ones) so it was to me a little bit disappointing about the werewolf part. Pay no attention to me though, I know a lot of people do love them.

Your writing was nice as usual, dialogue especially, technically and the story itself too. I just would’ve preferred that there had not been a monster there.

Good job!  

BTW, nice avatar!

How come when I do something like hurt an old man in a script, people call it extreme, unpleasant and disturbing, but you have a moving picture of a man kicking an old lady in the head and people think it’s funny? Just me wondering.

Quoted from tomson Mike, BTW, nice avatar! How come when I do something like hurt an old man in a script, people call it extreme, unpleasant and disturbing, but you have a moving picture of a man kicking an old lady in the head and people think it’s funny? Just me wondering.

Because my avatar has Don Chico in it, and Don Chico is awesome.

Thanks for checking out the script, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Mike,

Oh Yeah.  I gotta admit it, I read the Spoilers in the reviews and couldn’t resist taking the bait.  

This was a pretty wild ride, a rescue script in comedic dressing with a horror underbelly.  

I think Cindy and Mr. Z kinda hit it on the head.  **** Spoilers *****

The intro of the crew runs long and as Z mentions, there is a lot of description of these guys sitting around the chalkboard before there is any action.  I’m also of the opinion that you could do with at least one less character.

I kind of got confused between Isaac and Renton, since they are both take charge types.

Ever think about making one of the members a woman?  Just to keep their Ids separate. Two of the guys are in their 20s, and two in their 30s.  How about an older guy (Isaac), who might be viewed by Renton as over the hill?

On P. 6,   Isaac says: “S*** could get hairy.”  Heehee.  I had to laugh out loud.

There is a Tarantino-esque feel to the banter.  I enjoyed it but thought it either ran a bit long or maybe stayed too long with matters that didn’t drive the story.

• Instead of so much talk of who should be in charge, maybe  Isaac and Renton could argue about money first.  Maybe Renton wants to know what the ransom was and maybe he thinks they are getting short-changed.  How about Renton having a formula of what the job is worth based on a percentage of the ransom price?
Arguing over money is a good segue into who should be in charge.

Renton might also be rankled if he thinks (initially) that Gilley is in on the cut.  A lesser split for him.

Cindy mentioned showing the kidnapped son early on.  That’s a possibility.  
Would be funny if the hoods grabbed the wrong kidnapped boy, as if there were a bunch to choose from.

On P 12, when the wounded goon yells out “Don’t open the door,” I wanted  Renton to shoot the guy in the foot or arm,  just to make the guy even more immobile for what's to come.

What if the guys found the goons in a horrible, half-eaten state?  

The pivotal character in this story is Dr. Gilley.

Ever consider playing him more serious, more business-like?  Smarter.
Perhaps his brand of humor is dry and on a higher plane.  The things he says could go right over the hoods’ heads, so to speak.
Such as, he tells them how they got the job:   “****** budget cuts.”
Maybe they had the “lowest  bid” for the job.  Haha.
You could tie in bureaucratic some b.s.

The doctor represents the mayor and his family, and should know exactly what they are up against.
Maybe he’s there to ensure the kid gets his daily injection.  To control his affliction (aka lycanthropic curse).

When the job gets botched, it’s clearly because of the incompetence of the crew.

Gilley and not Isaac should make the rules clear.

• Tranquilize the boy.
• Keep him restrained with duct tape.
• And last --  well he never gets that far, because he gets cut off by the arguing Isaac and Teddy.

My gut feel is that:

Gilley should show up on time.
Gilley should have that tranq gun ready when that door is opened.
Gilley should have extra tranq darts.
Now maybe one of those dumb crew guys could destroy the darts by accident.
Or maybe the darts get shot to smithereens, as well as the doc, due to “friendly fire.”
See what happens when you hire cheap labor.

With your comedy skills, Mike, I just see some great opportunities to capitalize on the Gilley character.  He’s the straight man stuck working with C-list thugs.
Maybe he spends the whole time before the rescue making condescending remarks about the crew.

On P 19, I think Gilley talks too much after he says “Problem guys.”  
What if he can’t finish what he wants to say, because when  Isaac and Haig turn, Gilley is already beef jerky.

Love this ending, however.  But I didn’t want that werewolf snarling.  Just drooling and eyeing his next victims.  Then CUT to black.  Ouch.

You could put a ticking clock on this from the get-go.  Like the injection has to be performed by 2 p.m.  Not a minute sooner, not a minute later.  Or else…

Fun read, Mike.  No matter what, I enjoyed following the crew.   Yeah, the logline is misleading.  You could say that a rescue of the mayor’s son leads to horrific consequences.  Something to suggest horror, without saying what specifically.

Nice job.

Abe

I read this yesterday but never got round to writing a review, seems like Abe just about covered everything lol.

So i'll just keep it brief.  First act a tad long, closing a tad short.  

I thought the dialogue was very good but I think this started out as though it was goning to be a feature, with the extensive introductions, but then died away a little to quickly.  Expanding this would improve it.

Overall, I liked this short.

Abe,

You never cease to amaze me.  Thanks for checking this out, and for the in-depth feedback.

Quoted from Abe from LA **** Spoilers ***** The intro of the crew runs long and as Z mentions, there is a lot of description of these guys sitting around the chalkboard before there is any action.  I’m also of the opinion that you could do with at least one less character.

I have been toying with the idea of getting rid of Haig.  You're right (as everyone else is), he just doesn't do a whole lot.

Quoted from Abe from LA I kind of got confused between Isaac and Renton, since they are both take charge types.

I wanted both of them to be take charge types to help establish the conflict, but I do need to do more to seperate their personalities.

Quoted from Abe from LA Ever think about making one of the members a woman?  Just to keep their Ids separate. Two of the guys are in their 20s, and two in their 30s.  How about an older guy (Isaac), who might be viewed by Renton as over the hill?

I hadn't thought about making one of the characters a woman, although I really did want to make a couple of them older.  Unfortunately, I had to stick to certain typecasting on this one, and was unable to do it.

Quoted from Abe from LA On P. 6,   Isaac says: “S*** could get hairy.”  Heehee.  I had to laugh out loud.

Hahaha...you're the first one to comment on that.  I think it's a funny piece of foreshadowing, although easily forgotten if you don't know what's coming.

Quoted from Abe from LA • Instead of so much talk of who should be in charge, maybe  Isaac and Renton could argue about money first.  Maybe Renton wants to know what the ransom was and maybe he thinks they are getting short-changed.  How about Renton having a formula of what the job is worth based on a percentage of the ransom price? Arguing over money is a good segue into who should be in charge.

That's a good idea.  It will help to keep things flowing.

Quoted from Abe from LA Cindy mentioned showing the kidnapped son early on.  That’s a possibility.   Would be funny if the hoods grabbed the wrong kidnapped boy, as if there were a bunch to choose from.

You mean that they grab a kid who is not the mayor's son, but instead turns into a werewolf?  Interesting.  It would eliminate the need for Gilley though.

Quoted from Abe from LA Ever consider playing him [Gilley] more serious, more business-like?  Smarter. Perhaps his brand of humor is dry and on a higher plane.  The things he says could go right over the hoods’ heads, so to speak. Such as, he tells them how they got the job:   “****** budget cuts.” Maybe they had the “lowest  bid” for the job.  Haha. You could tie in bureaucratic some b.s.

I wrote Gilley in a way where it would seem that he has some level of intelligence, but doesn't show it so much because he's really a fish out of water.  A line I had in the original version was that "He can find someone's liver, but he can't find a damn warehouse."  He's nervous, out of his element, and not his true self right away.

Quoted from Abe from LA Gilley and not Isaac should make the rules clear.

Another instance of Isaac's take charge attitude, even if he isn't the most knowledgable.

Quoted from Abe from LA My gut feel is that: Gilley should show up on time. Gilley should have that tranq gun ready when that door is opened. Gilley should have extra tranq darts. Now maybe one of those dumb crew guys could destroy the darts by accident. Or maybe the darts get shot to smithereens, as well as the doc, due to “friendly fire.” See what happens when you hire cheap labor.

All very good and interesting points and ideas.

Quoted from Abe from LA With your comedy skills, Mike, I just see some great opportunities to capitalize on the Gilley character.  He’s the straight man stuck working with C-list thugs. Maybe he spends the whole time before the rescue making condescending remarks about the crew.

Seems like I always end up somewhat comical even if I don't intend to, for the most part anyway.  It's a blessing and a curse.

Quoted from Abe from LA On P 19, I think Gilley talks too much after he says “Problem guys.”   What if he can’t finish what he wants to say, because when  Isaac and Haig turn, Gilley is already beef jerky.

Shit, I kinda worried about that myself. I know if I were in that position, I'd be telling everybody to shut the hell up so I could talk and let them know they were about to be savagely eaten.

Quoted from Abe from LA Love this ending, however.  But I didn’t want that werewolf snarling.  Just drooling and eyeing his next victims.  Then CUT to black.  Ouch.

I liked the ending as well.  True, it's a little abrupt, but I think it works in this case.

Quoted from Abe from LA You could put a ticking clock on this from the get-go.  Like the injection has to be performed by 2 p.m.  Not a minute sooner, not a minute later.  Or else…

Do you mean at the very beginning?  Maybe reveal a little more of what they're in for?

Quoted from Abe from LA Fun read, Mike.  No matter what, I enjoyed following the crew.   Yeah, the logline is misleading.  You could say that a rescue of the mayor’s son leads to horrific consequences.  Something to suggest horror, without saying what specifically. Nice job. Abe

Thanks again for checking it out.  The logline will definitely be changed at some point.  I think lately, I've been falling victim to wanting a twist in my scripts, something that will throw even the readers off.  I did something along those lines in the short I submitted before this one as well.  It's much shorter, but I think it came out pretty well.  I wanted to something like that again, but also extend it a little bit.

In this case, I may have extended it a little bit too much.

Awesome feedback, Abe.  I've got Neck of the Woods on my list of things to check out, and I'll try to get you something as soon as I finish the next phase of a project I'm working on at the latest.

I like your writing Mike. There's a vibe to it, that's very 'feel-good', this was a tad different then the other scripts I've read by you.

I was a little disappointed with this one.

I agree with others about the misleading logline. It's an entertaining concept but you didn't build on it. And as suprising as the twist was, it was short lived with such an abrupt ending.

I felt like I read the first 21 pages to a feature leangth script and abruptly stopped.
A bit of  a let down...Especially since they talk for a bit after the werewolf is knocked out. All of that dialogue between the time Teddy leaves and the werewolf woke up I felt to be useless, since we didn't go anywhere with it.

But you did manage to catch that 'feel good' vibe with a few whitty one-liners.
This could be either comedy or horror. I could imagine the scene were the were-wolf first appears scary or very funny.

Tony,

I hear ya on the disappointment.  Some things just turn out better at first than others I guess, but I've got some good feedback here to work with on a future rewrite.

I'll have to mark the day, since I think this may be the only time I'll ever see a crime/werewolf script tagged as feelgood...lol

Dammit!  I'm too happy.

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from Shelton You mean that they grab a kid who is not the mayor's son, but instead turns into a werewolf?  Interesting.  It would eliminate the need for Gilley though.

Actually I was thinking that the kidnappers grabbing more than one kid.  Multiple kidnaps, if you will.  And then our crew goes in and comes out with the wrong kid and has to return him and get the Mayor's son.

The main thing that has me smiling is that they have to go into this warehouse and rescue Mayor junior.  Now that presents all kinds of interesting possibilities.  That warehouse could be a maze of spooky turns and spooky traps.

In rethinking this story,you might have already hit the right chord if nobody knows about the kid's affliction.  Wow, what a kick.  They're trying to find the kid and don't know he's the enemy they've been fighting.  Cool.  Has that been done before?

Maybe the kidnappers are already dead.  Unbeknownst to everybody.

Now that I think of it, there is a film coming out  in which kidnappers grab a kid and the kid turns out to be something other than a kid.  Can't recall where I read that, perhaps in CS or Script mag.  I'll have to track it down.

No matter.  I love the direction of this story.  I can see you turning this into a great comedy-horror piece.  I'd definitely go see it.  And buy the DVD.

Your comedy skills are an asset, believe me.  I love comedy mixed with horror.  Not over-the-top comedy, but natural humor.  

Keep it going.  I'll be among the first to read the feature version of Caper.

Abe

Mike,

Nice script. People on the board say they didn't like the beginning, I actually loved the beginning. You had a Reservoir Dog thing going on there. Kept the story mysterious. I also liked the office heist. After that you lost me. I was a little dissapointed in the werewolf thing. You were setting things up nicely for a film filled with twist and turns (Those are my favorite), and then they kidnap their target, but it was a werewolf? It's your story, just wish you kept this one on the reality plain and kept expanding it outward. That's just me though.

Your excellent at dialogue and format, no problems there. I think I may check out some more of your work.

Doug

Doug,

Thanks for taking a look at it, and I'm glad you enjoyed the beginning...The end?  Yeah, it's probably not for everybody, but thanks for sticking with it anyway.

Abe's got me thinking about that feature now...maybe I'll get to it at some point.

Mike,

As everyone, I did like your short. The subject is quite original, twisted, vivid, and could definitely be the basis for a feature one.

unfortunately, almost everything have been said upon it. To resume my thoughts, I found the beginning a little longer for a short (aha) and a bit talky. Otherwise dialogs are crackling and the characters exist. Maybe you should dig a bit Gilley's character as he's different from the others.

Good job Mike


Michel

I agree with whoever said that this had a "From Dusk Till Dawn" feel to it.

Again, just echoing what others have said, good dialogue and a nice twist mid way through the short. Keep up the good work. I always look forward to reading your stuff.