what you mean wasting your time?

I have to say i enjoyed it. But i remember getting pulled over once on the highway and when i asked the cop if i could strech my legs he said sit tight. But who knows my cop must of been assh@le of something. Maybe i missed it but what happen to George, if the man on the plateform would of said that he had to kill him i would of enjoyed it more. but that's the only thing i didnt like

I'm glad you liked it. I have made a revision and the audience get insight into how the man followed the trail, and what happens is the man is in a convenience store when George tries to hold it up, and things follow from there.
                              
You really didn't like the ending? What would you suggest?

Thanx, Robert.

Quoted from Shogun I have to say i enjoyed it. But i remember getting pulled over once on the highway and when i asked the cop if i could strech my legs he said sit tight. But who knows my cop must of been assh@le of something. Maybe i missed it but what happen to George, if the man on the plateform would of said that he had to kill him i would of enjoyed it more. but that's the only thing i didnt like

The cop would not have let George out of the car.  Doing so would mean that he has divide his attention between to the two, which is never good.

I thought the script was a little rushed.  It was like I was being force-fed the script.  The whole idea of The Man (who you should have named) starting out his conversation with religion was interesting but, in the end, just fell flat for me.  Maybe if you ended the conversation with a religious reference.  I'm not sure.


Phil

Phil,
       Thanks for the cririsism but what i was trying to achieve was a surreal script, and also a bit light heartedness which mayb was the impression until the very end. Can you elaborate on your force fed comment? And i have updated the script but the changes arent on the site yet.
                                                              Thanx Robert.

You rushed everything.  The man narrated the entire story to George (and us).  YOu should take your time with it.


Phil

I don't think the Man needs a name, the main character doesn't need to know who is and niether do we. In my opinion. But if you did give him a name make it something like Mr. X or something that show that his name isn't important to the story...

The ending was defiantly rushed, it's been a while since i read it but i remember the man just walking away. If this was my story i would have the man kill the main character, to show he aint nothing to fuck with

but i just saw the departed i thinking all the blood in it has made me blood hungry..

the man did kill the main character lol.

I saw The Departed the other day. Was amazing.

Ok people, now a receent update has been added to the script so it is improved. Would appreciate it if you guys gave it a read.

This was okay.  It moved at a nice pace but let me see if I get this straight.  So, James is in the bathroom, then George bursts in and holds him up.  They both get into James' car.   Cop pulls car over, James sees his chance and exits and for whatever reason takes the briefcase with him.  Moments before getting James, George "robbed" a convenience store and took this briefcase, and The Man followed George, then followed James after he exited the car.  

What I don't understand is--well a couple things.  How did The Man know where to find James?  I see that he followed the car for a bit, but how The Man found him at the train station baffles me.  Why did James take the briefcase?  What was in it?  See, I think you have a good idea and it's got a couple of inter-"connecting" stories, but theyr'e not yet fully connected, which is why I put it in quotes.  Say what's in the briefcase, show how The Man found James, stuff like that.

Technical stuff: There's some pointless description in here.  The Man pulls a gun on James.  All you need to say is that he's in a panic and cut out the "fact a gun is pointed at him" or whatever it was.  Same with the opening paragraphs.  You mention twice that he's constantly looking at his watch when you can really get away with simply using the second one.

*P5: "Common man don't shoot!"  haha.  I used to do the "common" all the time.  C'mon or Come on.
*8: It sounds like "George" just voluntarily gave the cop his name, which you don't want to happen.  Show him handing over his license or something.  Actually, cops usually ask for license and registration(which is in James' name).  So...that's up to you.
*I'd also take the "cunts" out.  It's such a short piece and you barely know the characters, so having them use derogatory words as such doesn't really build their appeal.
*And I have no idea what platform 22 has to do with anything...was that just the location or what's happening?  Cause you use ironically in the last sentence but..I don't see the irony =S

I think you became to anxious to repost a revision, because there are still holes.  The first was posted on October 6--it's only the 12th today.  Take your time with it.  Let the ideas freely flow.  Read it, make sure you can answer all the questions, then read it again.  It's a nice piece for what it is, but it can be alot better.

Best of luck to ya.

Ok, giving this a quick read and typing my observations as I go.

First off, a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, and jeans that give him an air of normality.  Yeah, if he's Fonzie.  I don't know anybody that dresses like that.

Your flashback in the bank.  That dialogue should be voiceovers since the characters are not in the scene.

On the whole, the banter between the characters was ok, but when I finished reading this, I felt it was kind of uneventful.  I mean realistically, the Man more than likely knew how this whole scenario was going to end right from the get go, and that cocking his gun would intimidate James enough to release all of that pertinent info, without listening to his story about how he got his hands on the briefcase, and where it currently is.

To a character like the Man, it shouldn't matter.  All he should be concerned with is where it is now, not how it got there.

Greg - Lol yes you got the plot right, and they were ment to intertwine. You have raised a couple of points i hadn't thought about so will give that a look over As for the George thing, he is stupid and a "fuck up" character as i would call him, so he is stupid enough to give away his name. I have never driven in America so being pulled over is different than in Britain. As for what is in the briefcase, you will never know lolol. Thanx for the advice.

Mike - I have only ever been to the US once and that was Florida so i wouldn't know what would convey an air of normality. I went for a surreal setting for the script but i can understand the question's raised.

Lol it is not a very good irony but would be the locker being number 22 aswell as the train platform.

Quoted from RobertSpence Lol it is not a very good irony but would be the locker being number 22 aswell as the train platform.

Ahhhh yes, I get it now!  If you really want to complex this up, you could have a part where James simply looks up and sees platform 22 and says that the briefcase is in locker 22...essentially lying to the guy...so that leaves us with an ending to decipher for ourselves.  I dunno, just my thoughts.

Nice job.

Where's the updated script at?

Here's the updated script coffee http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/PLATFORM1.pdf hope ya like it.