Okay hey guys, i submitted this script a while back and have made changes which i feel makes this an overall better read so would appreciate it if you give this a look at.

Also letting you know, it is not in spec script format.

Hey Robert thought I'd give this a read as you were kind enough to read mine.

I'll review this as I go...

Don't think you need the comment about being an average Boston guy, how do we know he's in Boston.  Unless you super 'Boston'.

Oh yeah James, should be JAMES when you first introduce him.

Not sure about parentheticals, thought they were to desribe the characters voice rather than actions?  Could be wrong though.

Bottom of page 2 typo... should be while he takes out his handkerchief and not where.

When you write James's, you just need James'.

Typo top of page 3.  Man's dialogue reads 'do you think I'm a stupid James'.  I think you need to lose the 'a'.

'rent-a-fuck', loves this line. lol

I think you could tighten up your action.  Like this...
'The Man hits him across the head with the gun.  Blood drips fom his head'.
I think you could just write...'The Man hits him across the head with the gun, it begins to bleed.

(O.S.)'s should be (V.O.)'s.  Plus I'd lose the CONT' in the dialogues, they're not really needed.

Typo bottom of page 4... you have 'a a'.

Erm...'taking a dump'.  Nice but not in a script lol.

Some of your action seems a bit too novel like.

You say the man in the mask gives his name but you don't write it as a dialogue?

I don't get some of the cops dialogue?

Doesn't the man pull back the hammer on the gun twice?

You wait till near the end to describe the gun, maybe this should be done when we first see it.  Although i don't think it is relevant.

I liked this but not really sure what the main story was, maybe there isn't one.  I think it maybe needs something more, like a hint as to what could be in the briefcase.

Anyway good job mate.

Hi Robert,

This was certainly a fun and weird read. Though I found the story somewhat unbelievable and unconvincing it went by really fast. I like the man/killer in the train. The way he starts off, very threatening, and then turns into an intentive listener that was quite funny. I could almost picture sitting like an impatient kid just yearning to know more. That was good.

This story feels like a cross between Pulp Fiction (the briefcase) and Lock, Stock...so you get no points for originality here.

The characters were pretty bland, I don't think you managed to develop them to their fullest.

Even though I think the characters sound alike, I thought the dialog was very funny and it flowed nicely.

Remember not to tell more than is needed (action vs dialog) and remember not to write what can't be shown on the screen. You told us that this takes place in Boston but you didn't show us.

Cheers
Rob  

Hey Robert,

I love story-lines like this.  And I liked this one, too.  However, there were a few too many loose ends left untied for me to actually love it.

The pacing was great.  Nice and quick.  I loved the dialogue (although the Man and James both sounded like the same character.  More on this later.)  There was a lot of suspense.

However, that was kind of a problem, too.  The suspense never really gets answered.  The questions that you brought up in the story, the who, what, and why are never explained.  I was into the story because I couldn't wait to find out who was after the suitcase, why they were after it, and what was in it.

I understand you wanted to keep the briefcase a mystery, but in that sense, it comes off way too much like Pulp Fiction.  (And just to let you know.  As much as I love Pulp Fiction, I was ticked when Tarantino never revealed what was in that case, too.)

Other than that, though, like I had said, you did push the story forward at a very nice pace.

I did like the characters, especially the Man, but something really threw me off about James.

At first, he comes off as a quiet, awkward, gentle person.  For instance, you have him say "Um..Well I am Christian so therefor I must believe in religion."  Then, he becomes almost sniveling.  "I'm sorry man, please don't hurt me. I didn't mean to do anything!...Don't shoot!"  So he comes off as a (to quote the Man) a whiny little bitch.

But then,, as soon as he starts his story, he begins talking like he's a goon just like the Man.  He swears and phrases his sentences in a 'cool' way, totally different from how he was in the first few pages of the script.  (In fact, he all of a sudden reminded me of Mr. Orange in 'Reservoir Dogs'.  This is where the two characters seem to melt together and James and the Man begin to act and sound like the same character.

I think the only other thing I thought about that didn't fit is what somebody had mentioned already to you.  It doesn't seem like the Man is naive enough to shoot James without finding the suitcase first.  It was an interesting twist you put in, with the locker 22, but the Man just doesn't seem like that much of a shmuck not to bring James with him to be sure he's not lying.  Now, what if the Man gets there and the briefcase isn't in 22?  He's out of options now.

There were quite a few typo's I've noticed, too.  I don't know if you plan on going back and working onthis again, but if you would like me to go through and edit the typo's I see for you, let me know and I'll be more than happy.  I like fresh eyes looking over my scripts because there's always a few that get by the all-too familiar eye.

I did really like this a lot and it is a very interesting idea.  It just seems that the story needs to be panned out a little bit more and a little bit of the mystery brought to light.

Good show and I will check out 'Spilled Milk'.  Probably tomorrow night.

I thought I had read something from yours before, but it was Spenceforhire that I was thinking of.  The 'spence' part was what threw me off.  :-)

- Mark